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Why I No Longer Eat Spaghetti with Bread

*trigger warning* potential trigger for ptsd sufferers*

I crawled on the kitchen floor
Cleaning up pieces of broken glass
With my bare hands

You felt powerful standing above me
Hopeful to see drops of blood
On my beautiful hands

You wanted to steal my beauty
So no one would ever see it
Not even you

You resented it
You were threatened by its power
Power was something reserved for you
And you alone

You shamed me
For the broken dishes
It was my fault you said
For forgetting the bread

You always have bread with spaghetti
I should know by now
How long have I known you ?
How many times have you told me?

I should have learned it by now
This was the only way
To teach the lesson
Once and for all

That spaghetti must be served with bread
And the sauce must be thin
Like your grandmother used to make it
When she ran the boarding house

There is no other acceptable way
To serve spaghetti
It is disrespectful to you
To serve it wrong

I said I was sorry
It was a mistake
I forgot
I meant no disrespect

But I was
Speaking Out Of Turn
Without being asked
I had to be taught
A proper lesson

You put your foot
On my back
To shame me
I had to learn

You were doing it to teach me
So I could be a better woman
A proper woman
Like your grandmother
Who ran the boarding house

And served spaghetti
With thin sauce
And the proper bread

I tried to explain
That she probably thinned the sauce
To make it go further
To feed so many people

But that was a violation
To have an opinion
Different from yours
It was disrespectful
To You

So now
Your foot was on my back
You made me clean the broken glass
On my hands and knees
While you watched
To shame me

You were doing the right thing
Because I had to learn
To be a proper woman
Who knows her place

To serve the men
Spaghetti with bread
Just like your grandmother
Who ran the boarding house

6 thoughts on “Why I No Longer Eat Spaghetti with Bread”

  1. I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
    I hope this isn’t triggering for you, but frankly I don’t serve bread with spaghetti on purpose because that’s carbs with more carbs. That’s probably not helpful to hear, though.

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  2. Annie, you’re a brave soul to share your pain. Takes guts to be vulnerable and “go there” again. I just picked up a book called “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are”. The author is BrenĂ© Brown. She’s done a lot of research on shame and vulnerability and living with courage. I can’t wait to read it. As someone with a bipolar II diagnosis with a strong teetering on the depression side I know what it’s like to live with shame and extreme vulnerability. I wish you all the best. Take good care.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have just written something so profound, so universal and it will touch every single person who is abused or has left the abuse and is healing…or those who just have faint memories of the abuse. Every abused woman has been on that floor, hands and knees with an array of broken items-dishes-glass scattered around them being demeaned. I was there 20 years ago. As I read this I could remember that day and the humiliation but I am no longer humiliated by a very spiritually sick man. I am FREE of that bondage. I am happy! I am healed! Keep writing! It is therapeutic! And remember that after you have released it…throw it out on garbage day! Replace it with an awesome memory!
    May God bless you with healing and peace. You are a beautiful woman.

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    1. Thank you so much. I feel very honored by your words. I am glad if I can help to validate people. The longer we do not feel that anyone can understand what we went throough, the longer it takes to heal. thank you for your support and encouragement.
      Annie

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