Buddhist Meditation Poem

Quiet peace

Silent mind

Still body

Calm breath

Self Acceptance

Self Forgiveness

No guilt

No debt

No attachment

No bereavement

No fear

No remorse

No regret

No torment

No violence

No pain

No depression

No anxiety

No confusion

No shame

Just quiet

Just peace

Simply Being

Pure Existence

4:03 am … Insomnia Wins Again but Now it is Time…zzzzz ..to sleep..

Good night my friends. It is time to sleep.

Good night

Good night

It is time to sleep

Good night

Sleep tight

Your anxiety will keep

It’s time to rest

Our tired brains

We’ve done our best

Now our minds are drained

The daylight will come

A few hours from now

Sometime after noon

I’ll get up somehow

I fear the morning trauma

Of the first realization

That I’m still in this reality

This tormenting situation

It’s worse than I say

Maybe worse than I know

I don’t process each part

Only what my brain lets me know

My morning mind is foggy

My memory is slow

It will take a few hours

To be get moving and go

Then slowly I’ll recover

By nighttime I’ll be Annie

My brain will be clear

For a few precious hours

When the chemistry is ok

And the nervous system is regulated

I won’t want to sleep

because I won’t want to wake

And I’ll fear the morning anxiety

So much that

I’ll stay up too late

I’ll force myself beyond limits

My poor body can take

Because my brain and my body

Will wake up in torment

Just like before

And before

and before and before

The night is my ally

The morning my enemy

I’ll hold on to Annie

As long as I can

Till it’s 3 am and 4am…

Tomorrow night will get here

I will be so thankful

To connect with all of you

But the morning attacks

Like a tidal wave of fear

Of going out into the world

Without anyone near

So goodnight for now

I might survive tomorrow’s day

And hopefully you will too

If together we all pray

3:46 am Time for all Good Little Insomniacs to go to Sleep

Well it is time. I am tired now. I had terrible pain from the arthritis today. There were points where it was a little less than horrible, when the meds kicked in and then it would come back worse each time, It was very hard to get through work.

I came home and I read a blog I came across about suicide. The person was planning their suicide and posting their near to last post. Lots of compassionate bloggers reached out to this person. I read through so many comments by various bloggers who were each reaching out to this person , in their own way.

By the end of the page of comments, the person felt enveloped by all these strangers who took time to talk to talk back and forth with them. They decided to get help for their depression and they are still posting weeks later.

I felt very proud of all the bloggers that reached out to this person.

I was inspired to write a blog about suicide and see where it lead. I thought doing research would be good for me anyway, because it  tends to take my mind off the chronic pain.

I ended up spending about an hour and a half doing research on suicide and suicide prevention. Also on survivors of suicide. I took another 45 minutes or so writing the post.

People started reblogging it within 5 minutes of my posting it. I felt very good that I had done a small part to help to create awareness of this problem.

I had also been able to distract myself from my own pain.

I liked it that in thinking of others, I was able to take the focus of my brain off of my own pain and torment. I think there is a positive energy that comes from connecting with others and that positive energy is healing to both sides.

I will see you all tomorrow. My head and neck need to rest on the pillow now.

Namaste,

Anniw

Suicide , Suicide Attempts and Self Harm

I feel that I should start this post with the following information.

Lifeline, the national suicide prevention hotline for USA

Phone: If you are in crisis you can call anytime  1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Website: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention http://www.afsp.org/

Below is a link for the National Institute for Mental health , section on suicide prevention

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml

If you are not in the USA then there are international suicide hotlines to call. The responders to the calls are trained in suicide prevention and know about mental illness.

Suicide is in the top ten list for causes of death in the United States. Unfortunately, it claims more lives each year than the year before. This is an epidemic which deserves attention and research to find solutions.

There are about 1 million suicide attempts each year in the US and the numbers continue to rise. If you feel alone in considering suicide, you are not. There are people right now, like you, that feel alone and do not know how to reach out to for help.

Many suicides are people who had a mental illness that was not being treated. It is possible that treatment could have saved their lives.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, someone commits suicide about every 14 minutes, in the United States. This is about  40,000 lives lost every year.

Adolescent suicide is a reality that many people want to ignore and pretend that it does not exist.

According to the National Institute for Mental Health,

” Suicide is the second leading cause of death among teens aged 12-17, accounting for about 1,000 deaths in 2011 . A 2013 survey indicated that as many as 2.7 percent of high school students nationwide made a suicide attempt”

It is difficult to gather exact statistics about self harm because many people, including teens and preteens , do not tell anyone about their self harm behaviors. It is their way of feeling some power over their circumstances, when they otherwise feel powerless. It is often a secret kept from family and friends.

There is research that estimates that 14-24 percent of adolescents have self harmed at least once. Many of them have done it many times and continue to do so.

Make no mistake, self harm is a big red flag! If someone you know is injuring themselves then they are at risk for suicide.

A recent study by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration found that one in five Americans is living with some type of mental health condition. Mental illness like depression, severe anxiety, PTSD , bipolar disorder and many others can be a risk factor for self harm or suicide.

The stress response known as fight-or-flight is driven by the stress hormone cortisol, which is regulated by a part of the neuroendocrine system called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis.

There is research that shows that there can be a genetic predisposition to suicide and suicide attempts. There is a great article which gives all the specifics in the link below.

http://www.afsp.org/research/research-connection/stress-and-genes-linked-to-suicide-attempts

If you are wondering about the symptoms of yourself or someone else, there are some suicide warning signs that are critical to know.

Someone who talks about the following things, is a possible suicide risk:

  • Killing themselves.
  • Having no reason to live.
  • Being a burden to others.
  • Feeling trapped.
  • Unbearable pain.

Other behaviors that should alert your attention include:

loss of interest in activities they love, self-isolation from family and friends, giving away important possessions and making phone calls to people that sound like they are saying goodbye to them.

Each of those people leaves an average of 6 family members and close friends who are traumatized by the suicide. So if you are a survivor of the suicide of a loves one, you are not alone. There is help for you.

Suicide  of a loved one is extremely traumatizing and can cause PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), depression, and severe anxiety. In another words, you may be suffering from mental illness now, if you survived the suicide of a family member or a friend.

The links below will give you a beginning to finding ways to get help for your trauma. Find a way to seek help if you feel like you need it.

http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss

http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support

http://www.afsp.org/coping-with-suicide-loss/find-support/join-the-survivor-e-network

There are medications for depression and other mental illnesses. There are many kinds of  therapists. For some people , therapy is very helpful.

There are many people on wordpress.com that really care about you. We are the “wounded healers”  The wounded healers have experienced severe trauma, mental illness and abuse. We are compassionate about the suffering of others that we can relate to.

You can search by tags for suicide, mental illness, depression, ptsd, bipolar disorder, and other mental illness related tags.

Read people’s stories. Comment on their posts. Keep reading and searching until you find someone that will understand and will reach out to you. There are many in this community.

I have seen people become suicidal and post their feelings and even their plans for suicide on wordpress. It was their only outlet because at this point they had cut off family and friends.

So many bloggers responded to these suicidal posts that the people felt enveloped in care and concern from strangers who really reached out to them. Many people had a change of heart after reading all the comments that other bloggers wrote.

The same goes for survivors of suicide. There are wounded healers that are survivors of suicide here as well. If you search the tags and keep trying, you will find someone that will listen and understand. Sometimes the best first step to healing is to find someone that will understand and validate your suffering.

I hope this post has provided some helpful information for you. If anyone wants to put a link to their mental illness blog in the comments , as a way of adding that information to this post, feel free to do do.

If you are reaching out for help, please also feel free to put a link to your blog in the comments below.  If you are viewing wordpress from a google search and do not have a wordpress blog, it is very easy to set up a wordpress account. You do not have to post a picture in your profile. You can always use an avatar.

That is about all I can think of to say at this time. We were brought into the world needing the community of others. There are people in the world that will understand you. Don’t give up until you find them.

3:18 …Time for Annie to send you off to sleep with a funny story..

It is time to go to sleep for those of us that stay up too late.. One way I can sometimes help myself let go of some of the anxiety, depending on how bad it is, is to think of a funny story from work.

As some of you know, I work with elderly dementia patients. They have various levels of Alzheimer’s Disease or other forms of dementia. (I will do a post about types of dementia and the stages of dementia sometime. )

So, now for my story. ..This is about a feisty old lady, let’s call her Marla. So, Marla never wants to go to bed and if she does go to bed before 11 pm, she always gets up again, She is not allowed to walk by herself because she is very shaky and could easily fall.

She does not understand this and we often find her walking without her walker or wheelchair . So far, someone has managed to catch her before she falls.

So, tonight , she was half way up the hallway, no walker, sliding herself along the wall. I got to her in time and had someone else bring a wheelchair to put under her. We brought her into the living room and wanted to keep an eye on her there for a while.

She decided that  she wanted to leave and she to walk back to her room. She stood  up from hr seated position in the wheelchair, still holding onto the armrests. Holding tightly to the chair , she began walking and trying to drag the 40 pound, wheelchair along with her.

I looked at her with great curiosity, as I had never seen anyone try to walk and drag the wheelchair along behind them.

She was fairly safe because if she lost her balance, she was going to land in the seat, which was just behind her. But I stayed as close as she would allow, just in case the chair would roll back as she was landing.

She gave me a disgusted look and announced  , “This chair is too heavy!  Why did you give me one that is so heavy!  How am I supposed to carry this?”

I smiled at  her, “Well, Marla, most people do not carry their wheelchair. I’m fact I am certain that the wheelchair company does not take that into account, when they decide on the weight of the chair. They are not expecting you to carry it”

Even more disgusted than before, Marla furrows her brow and says, “Well how else am I supposed to get this thing to my room?!”

“Marla,” I am trying not to laugh at this point “you can sit in the chair and roll in it.”

“How do other people carry this chair?” she demanded.

I said , ” Other people sit in the chair and roll it with their feet. That  is what other people do.”

“NO!  ” She said. They should not make things so heavy that I can’t carry them. I do not want to leave it here.

She continues  standing, walking and holding onto that wheelchair , to drag it along behind her.  She is making about one millimeter of progress every couple of seconds.

I tried to reason with her. I tried to get her to sit. But she just kept on at it… mumbling… “These damn wheelchair makers! They don’t know what they are doing. How the hell do they expect a woman to carry this damn heavy thing all that way…”

Other people came in to assist at that point. It was late and the girl who works midnight shift said she would take over. I think they got her to sit just before I left. Or her legs gave out and she sat kn her own.

I still can see her in my mind, dragging that damn chair. It is a good thing she did not actually try to pick it up. I was half expecting her to try that next. Well…tomorrow is another day…

You’ve got to give her credit though. She doesn’t give up easy! She probably has more determination that most of us.

Good night. I am thinking of all of you and hope you sleep well. I am also thinking of Marla and hoping she is not up at 3am trying to drag that damn chair from her room, out to the living room.

🙂

3:11 am … I Have Written you all a Wondrous Poem …please don’t reblog LOL

The time has come

It’s 3 o’clock

Throw out the gum

I lost my sock

I think I’m done

With all this fun

A poem here 

A comment there

I found my sock

I brushed my hair

This poem rocks

I set the clocks

Please don’t judge

This terrible sludge

I’m overtired

My brain expired

Two posts ago

Thoughts are slow

Sometimes I write funny

Sometimes  I write sad

Sometimes I feel torment

Sometimes I feel glad

This is my good night

I don’t know if it’s right

To torture my victims

With  horrible lines

If someone reblogs this

I might lose my mind

They’ll say

This is an example

of Annie’s best work

I would have to hunt them

And wipe off their smirk

I don’t really know

Why bad poetry flows

From my fingers right now

Where is my stuffed cow?

I need my soft blankets

To cuddle myself

The laptop must go

Back up on the shelf

The bunny was fed

 My words were all said

Till tomorrow again

I’ll pick up my pen

And write something fun

To make up for this one

Good night all my friends

Please come back again

🙂

Good night,

sorry about that poem LOL

Annie

Avoiding Triggers …PTSD… trauma poetry

Don’t open the envelope…

There might be

numbers

in  black and white

showing

a negative balance in your account

Don’t turn on the radio…

there might be

that song…

that reminds you of

that person

who abused your tortured brain

Don’t leave the house…

there might be

people

that are judgemental

and will trigger you

into post traumatic stress

Don’t dial the phone…

There might be

a computerized voice

that will tell you

your health insurance is cancelled

Don’t text your family…

they might respond

about how they

never hear from you

even though

they

have your number too

Don’t stop by the job…

to check the schedule

They might see you,

(really see you…)

and decide to..

replace you

with someone saner

Don’t call ahead to the pharmacy…

to check on the refill

for your pain medication

they might hear it…

in your voice

and tell your doctor

you’re an addict

Don’t open the door…

it might be someone

wanting to visit

and

ask you

how you are

Don’t close your eyes..

There might be

your brain…

just waiting for you

with something terrifying

a whole  new

mental torture

4:42 am time for all overtired good little insomniac girls to go to bed

Wow, I was so tired around 5pm, I almost fell asleep. Then I slowly got more awake. So now it is very very late , even for me.

I had lots of fun today on wordpress. It saved me from falling into a depression. I could feel myself spiraling down around 4 or 5pm. Then I had interaction with cool people on here and I got my mental energy back. It is very nice and amazing that some of the bloggers on here will have each other’s back, so to speak. We support each other, laugh with each other and support each other when the world tries to beat us down with a baseball bat.

There are some amazing “wounded healers” on here . People that understand other people’s left over trauma because we have been there ourselves. I read that term on silver girl’s about page today.

Let the wounded healers unite. We can do amazing things to heal the world if we are able to keep each other from falling into the dark valleys too far.

My thoughts are with the couple of wounded healers that I wrote to because they are suffering today.

My amazement is with the person that spent so much time helping me today to think of ways to help me change my living situation,

My laughter is with the one who always laughs at my jokes and always makes me laugh. Besides we both have to wake up to pee in the middle of the night. Damn overactive bladder!

My joy is with the newest followers of my blog who have said encouraging things to me.

I feel supported and I am glad I can be myself somewhere.

Good night

Annie

Good night and merry christmas

Annie

You Will Always Be My Child

Annie's Poetry

I brought you into the world

For my own reasons

I wanted a friend

A playmate

A confidant

I taught you the things that I thought

Would inspire you

to learn

to create 

to love

I never thought of the pain

The world inflicts

On everyone

Even you

my creation

my child

I never meant to see you feel

The pain that I have had

From the others

So callous

So Cruel

I hope you can forgive me

For not being able to protect

Your heart

Your body

Your mind

I brought you into this world

To love you

Protect you

I tried

I tried

My heart breaks every time

I see your heart break

From those

Unworthy

Of you

You will always be the child

I  wanted by my side

To care for

to protect

to love

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Where in the World are our SoulMates?

Soul mate

Where are you?

Are you in my home town?

Are you in New York?

Are you in Oregon?

Are you old or are you young?

Are you looking for me?

or are you done?

Are you black or are you white?

Are you Into video games….

Or having sex all night 🙂

Maybe you are far away

In England or in France

Maybe you are just next door

But tell me, what’s the chance?

I think that there are many of you

Some nearer and some far

That makes the chance much better

That I’ll find out where you are

Doesn’t that make more sense

Than to think there’s only one?

That makes a lot of pressure on my brain

and that pressure is no fun  

Maybe I’ll find all of you

and pencil you all in

Would I be such a angel?

Or would that be a sin?

LOL Smile

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