health, insomnia, mental health, mental illness

Cleaning the kitchen at 2am

I am home. I got home at 11 pm from work and I cleaned the kitchen and the dishes. I took 2 bags of trash down 2 long flights of steps and the recycling. I fed the bunny who was stomping his feet and ringing his bell at me. I made some of the food for the kids for tomorrow.

This is typical for me to be doing between 11pm and 2 am. I have to do those things late at night.  The schedule of my brain and my body will not really allow me to do that stuff productively at any other time.

In the morning I have pain in my body and can hardly move. The arthritis is getting worse. The herniated discs in my cervical spine are bad.

Although I think there has been some improvement since i changed jobs. The nursing home job caused so many injuries on a regular basis that 3 doctors told me I had to change jobs – the primary care dr,. The physical therapist and the orthopedic specialist.

The degenerative disc disease in my spine was most likely caused by all the regular heavy lifting at the nursing home for 4 years. Probably the herniated disc also. I tore my rotator cuff at that job and had multiple back injuries and I would have to go back in and keep lifting on top of the injuries.

Nothing ever was allowed to heal. The job now is much less lifting and at least people are available and willing to help you lift. The other place couldn’t have cared less.

I sleep on this inexpensive air bed from Walmart. That is what I lie on every night when I do this blog. I can’t afford a mattress. Maybe when the tax refund comes, I can buy a mattress.

Anyway, in the morning all those injuries have been laying on the  air mattress all night. It is painful to move out of the bed. It takes hours of moving around slowly, in bits and pieces, to be able to move more freely.

I also have pain meds which were prescribed to me by the orthopedic / pain mgmt dr. By the morning the pain meds are worn off and that is part of the problem too.

So when I get up at noon, it takes me awhile to move. Then I make the kids food to leave for them while I am at work. I get my work stuff together and go to work at 3pm.

By the time I get home at 11 or 12 pm, I am moving ok and I still have some energy to clean and do the dishes. he trash is a nightmare because there are so many steps. I have to carry the bags down 2 flights. The laundry has to go down and up the same 2 flights of stairs when I do that. I try to do a load of laundry every few nights, in order to not have it all in one day.

I will tell you one day about the household of the entire house. It is a  long strange story. I would not have moved anywhere with 2 flights of steps to bring groceries up and laundry and trash down unless it was the lesser of 2 evils. It was the lesser of the evils at the time.

So I do this stuff late at night and then I get on the blog. Sometimes I get on here first ad go back and forth.

This is a much less than ideal living situation in this little attic with a few rooms and all the steps. There is no stove but I have electric cookers like an electric skillet and an electric griddle. I have a toaster oven for making frozen pizza.

I also regularly wake up and then go into post traumatic stress and anxiety. The pain sets it off I think. But also I open my eyes and look at where I am living.

It is sad for someone with the education I have to be living this way. I know I am not the only one who is underemployed and underpaid. I am sure it will get better.

The domestic abuse situation I was living in, before I moved here, was terrible. This was my only option  to get out.

I am still trying to recover mentally from that situation but I have hardly had time to do that. I had to jump right into trying to survive here and work to pay the rent.

Eventually I should be able to teach music lessons again and make more money.

It is a struggle to get through every day. I look forward to writing on this blog as an escape.

Thank you all for being there, wherever you are and whatever time zone you are in. I appreciate all of you.

I think that my good-night post will be at 3am tonight, I am very tired tonight.


Peace, love and harmony,


4 thoughts on “Cleaning the kitchen at 2am”

  1. I ended up in an unfinished basement when I first left my abuser. It was freezing cold, but the owners who lived in the rest of the house were nice, and the only people who would give me a place to stay with reasonable rent. I am sure the first place you get when you leave is never ideal. I hope you get a new mattress next month. I know I hate being in pain, it makes me so irritable and I feel incompetent when hobbling around.


  2. I left my husband because alcohol took over. At the time I was only 24 and had never taken care of myself; I didn’t have a job, car, or anywhere to go. I had just received my associates degree and was working on my bachelor when all this happened. I had to drop out of school to work full time in order for my kids and me to survive. The first 3 years were the worst. After that, it became easier. I didn’t have illness that plagued me every step of the way though, either, so I am very sorry you have that on top of normal stresses to deal with. My best advice to you is to keep moving forward. Karma is real, and if you live honestly and truthfully and with good intentions, things will slowly start to fall into place. I’ll blog about my divorce experience on Wednesday when my bf goes to work so I can freely speak about it. Just know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and like the butterfly effect, your actions will cause something else, and just from knowing what I do know about you from here, it will be good things. ((hugs))


    1. Thank you. It is better to get out of the bad situations sooner than later , even if the place you have to go to is not great. It is better to be in a situation that is safer.
      It will get better. I will be warm here for the winter. The one good thing about the attic floor is all the heat rises. I spent very cold winters at the other place and i am grateful to be warm. At least the heat is included and is not in danger of being turned off. They cant seperate my heat from the rest of the house and i am sure they will pay for their heat bill.
      Thank you for validating and connecting.
      Peace will come,

      Liked by 1 person

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