domestic abuse, domestic violence, health, health and wellness, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, ptsd, PTSD from domestic abuse, wellness

Contradictions, Flexible Truth and Lies of a Narcissist …in mental domestic abuse

When you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, you will wonder if you are losing your grip on reality. There are constant contradictions.  Reality is malleable to the narcissist.

Truth is what they decide it is. Truth is what they say it is. Truth and reality are constantly changing. They explain the fact to you as they want you to perceive them, in order to get what they want.

They will say one thing on Friday and then say the complete opposite thing on Sunday…

FRIDAY …They will complain that the house is messy and that you are not as good as other women about taking care of your “home.” Other women do it better. The house is deplorable and any “good” woman would be embarrassed if she was so lazy about keeping her home organized and clean.

Not only that..Here is the kicker ..they will say “If you really loved me then you would keep the house clean and organized. A man needs a clean house to come home to.”

SUNDAY…They tell you that you are spending way too much time attending to the house. You care more about the “damn house” being clean than you do about them. You are insensitive and have your priorities screwed up. You should be spending time having sex with them… or helping them with finding a job… or whatever they want at the time.

Here is the kicker…they say “If you really loved me, you would spend more time with me and less time cleaning!  The house is clean enough. You are being selfish by spending so much time making the house just the way YOU want it.”

You are lazy about taking care of their home, yet you are too ambitious about your job. You are slutty when you wear make-up out of the house, but you are a prude when you are not in the mood to have sex with them  (after they have been raging at you.) You are too demanding of their time when you need something but you are too unavailable when they want you.

My ex used to demand that I be extra quiet in the morning so he could sleep. He needed to sleep so that he would not be tired at work. I agreed and said I would like the same courtesy so that I would not be tired at work.

In the morning he would get a cell phone call and answer it, in the bed. He would face directly towards the back of my head and yell into my ear. He was as loud as anyone you have heard drunk and bellowing in a local bar.

I asked him to please take the call into the other room because he was yelling into my ear. He said he would only be another minute and he did not feel like getting out of bed. Fifteen minutes later he would still be facing his mouth right into my ear and talking much too loud for any normal telephone conversation.

I would bed him not to talk so loudly in my ear in the morning. I had only had 4 hours of sleep at the point that he would get these calls, because I worked the 3-11 shift and did not get to sleep until 3am on most nights. I begged him to take the morning calls in the kitchen. I asked him to at least face away from the back of my head.

NO. NO. and….NO. My requests were not reasonable to him. He was too tired in the morning and should not have to get out of bed just because he had a phone call.

I mentioned to him that if h was so tired , he could let the voice mail pick up the call and not answer it at all. For someone that was too tired to drag himself out of bed, or turn his body the other direction, he seemed to have an awful lot of energy to talk so loudly on the phone.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, what is fair for them does not apply to you. The fact that they need certain basic things does not mean you are entitled to them.

If they are tired when they get home from work, it does not mean that you are allowed to be tired also. They can make mistakes and expect to be forgiven, but God forbid you make a “mistake” like being too tired when you got home from work to prepare their bag lunch for work.

It is in this sea of unending contradictions that er lose our self esteem and our basic right to take care of ourselves. We become so conditioned that our needs do not matter, that it can take months to years, after leaving the abuser, to be able to prioritize our most basic needs.

Time and connection with others who have experienced this type of abuse, will help. Stay on your path to healing. Keep reading and keep writing 🙂

Blessings,

Annie

15 thoughts on “Contradictions, Flexible Truth and Lies of a Narcissist …in mental domestic abuse”

    1. I was totally going to do the same thing you’ve done: Reblog this. I know this personality type so well. This makes my teeth grind but I’ve never got as far as the marrying or relationship phase so I have that to be grateful for. Goodness gracious. What an accurate description.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That makes two of us. I think we’re fortunate for that! Imagine spending the rest of your life with such a person? That would be a nightmare!

        Liked by 3 people

  1. Thank you for this post! Let me tell you a little insignificant story that I just recently remembered.

    I was studying to become a Registered Nurse. It is hard work. I was in school all day and studying all night to be able to pass my exams. I was tired! My ex never had a job. We lived on my student loans and I was working some weekends.

    One night I was sitting in our sofa, relaxing. I had just finished studying and needed some time to relax before bedtime, it was already quite late. My ex called, he was in a garage working on his new motorcycle. He wanted me to get him a wrench. He was 1,5 hours away by public transport. (I don’t have a license.) I said no. He got so angry. I was then selfish, lazy and a bad girlfriend. I remember my beating heart and was scared of the fighting I knew would happen when he decided to come home. I knew I was going to feel the aftermath of that “no”.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is a sad story. I remember the feeling of anxiety and terror when I would hear the car pull into the driveway. The feeling of being afraid to say or do the wrong thing was terrible. It got to where it was a constant thing all day, from the minute I woke up in the morning.

      The main goal of my day, every day, was to keep him from getting angry. When you spend your entire day trying to keep someone from getting angry, then you lose yourself and your identity in the process.

      I am getting to know myself again and there was never anything wrong with me that was so bad as my ex made me out to be.
      Hopefully other people will find themselves again too, You did great sharing this with us. Thank you for connecting with me.
      Annie

      Like

    1. Thank you so much 🙂 I really appreciate the reblog! I want to validate people with this post. There are many people still living in these situations and they have no idea why they feel so bad. They are not aware of the insidiousness of this type of abuse and the fact that is can be so convincing that you don’t even realize it. I do this blog on my own time and my purpose is to help the victims and to stop the abusers.
      There are also many people that have left these relationships behind, only to continue to have PTSD and low self esteem. Becoming aware of what happened to them, will help them to gain some perspective and then they can heal.
      I love your blog and would like to write a post for you sometime.
      Thank you for reading and supporting my blog. I have started a new blog designed for women who have experienced domestic abuse (including mental abuse) and I would like to give you the link to check it out. It is a safe haven for victims to tell their stories and connect with each other. I explain it in the first post.
      https://lovelywoundedlady.wordpress.com/2015/02/17/the-wounded-lady-wants-to-meet-the-other-women-of-domestic-abuse/

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The warm support in reblogs you’ve received here says something positive about the world. Thank you for this post. Thank you for just saying this. Sometimes we need a jolt of “don’t you see what’s happening right in front of you?”

        Like

      2. You need to get help. Is there a women’s shelter nearby? They could speak with you about options.

        I think it would also be helpful to see a psychiatrist and a counselor. Maybe there is a clinic near you that has mental health treatment.

        The hospital can also give you someone to evaluate your condition if you go to the ER.

        It sounds like your years of living with a monster have caused you a severe level of mental disturbance and mental / emotional torment.

        No one should have to live with constant anxiety and fear . An ongoing situation of hypervigilance means the amygdala ( the fear center of your brain) is switched on all the time. This would cause mental disturbance in anyone.

        No one could continue to survive in the type of severe stress situation that you are living in.

        You have to get help to plan to move away. You also need help to heal from the severe trauma of this.

        This is a very severe situation. You need to be careful how to detach from a dangerous person. That is why the womens shelter should be aware. They should be trained to guide you and advise you.

        My heart is with you and my prayers for your safety and your recovery.

        You should make a therapist or psychiatrist aware of your suicide attempts and any feelings of harming yourself or the kids.

        You can have a peaceful life in your future, but you have to be completely seperated from the monster.

        Much love,
        Annie

        Like

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