anxiety, anxiety attack, life, ptsd

Fire Alarms Galore ! My PTSD Cannot Tolerate This…

Okay, it is 8:26 am here and my alarm clock is set for noon. I would not be awake, if it were not for the fire alarm having gone off. The one in this house goes off with an alarm and a recorder female, business like voice saying “FIRE FIRE FIRE….FIRE FIRE FIRE…”

So, even though someone apparently burned popcorn in the microwave, it is still a bit disconcerting. But more so, because of the fact that it is the 3rd time I have heard a fire alarm in the past 2 days.

The day before yesterday, this alarm went off for a similar reason to now. But 2 nights ago, at work at the nursing home, the fire alarm went off for real. The incident extremely frightening, being as I was in the dementia unit on the 2nd floor of a building and there are no ramps to get the residents down!

There is a lot more to the story and I will write it up later on today. I had so much anxiety for the first 24 hours after that, I could not even write about it here, I had been planning to write it out, when I got home from work that night, but the anxiety over the experience was incapacitating to do that.

Anyway, as I was still recovering from actually evacuating residents in a less than safe, less than ideal, situation of real fire, this fire alarm at 8 ish in the morning, was not pleasant to wake up to. Holy crap!

Not only that, I get ptsd symptoms about fire. Other stories from my past …to tell another day…

I felt extremely nauseated when I began writing this post and now it has passed. I actually thought for a minute that I was getting the stomach flu, on top of everything else. But it must have been a PTSD symptom that I have not experienced before.

Fire is a terrible fear for me. Which reminds me of the time that I explained about my fear of fire to my ex, when we were newly dating. We were going to spend the weekend together and we went to check in at a hotel in Manhattan.

I told him that I do not feel safe above the 7th floor of any hotel. I watched a fire documentary once, and it said that firemen do not stay above the 7th floor, when they go to hotels.

The reason for this, is that the ladder on a firetruck is not designed to reach above the 7th floor. They cannot get you out by ladder, if you are above the 7th. The fire chief in the documentary, said that he would never stay that high in a hotel.

When I heard him say that I thought to myself… “If the fire chief isn’t staying above the 7th floor, then neither am I.”  Ever after that, I always have preferred the 1st and 2nd floors of a hotel, and never above the 7th.

Back to the hotel story…I told my ex all of this and that I was afraid of being trapped in a fire. I have had some terrifying past experiences with fire and I feel safer on a floor that the fire chief would deem safer. How can I sleep, if I am worried about this kind of thing?

I was already scared because I had never been to Manhattan, NY before. The city is really big, scary and full of people everywhere. I was having anxiety, just walking through all the people on the sidewalks.

But he was worried about the street noise.

He lived in an apt. that was on the street in NY and he was tired of hearing street noise every night. He wanted the hotel night to be a break from the street noise. The person at the front desk told him that we had to get a room at least 20 floors up, in order to not hear any street noise.

The 20th floor ! I had never (and still have never since then) even been in a building that had 20 floors! I could not even imagine 20 floors. I am afraid of heights that high, in addition to the whole fire thing. Just looking out of a window that high, will give me an anxiety attack.

So, what was the compromise?

He took the 20th floor room. I wonder if I should have considered this a red flag ?

domestic abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissist

Fictitious Tales of the Passive Aggressive Ex Girlfriend…

Random Thoughts about what might Happen to a narcissistic guy, who thought his girlfriend’s passive aggressive tendencies were cute useful while he was dating using her.

*disclaimer.. This is historical fiction…Not to be taken as suggestions…

**disclaimer 2 …if you do not have a passive aggressive bone in  your body, do not read…it will not be funny…

Other random safety notes...Also, please remove your frozen pizza from the box, prior to placing in the oven. Do not use your curling iron while sleeping. Soup may be very hot when removing glass bowl from microwave. And McDonald’s Coffee should not placed in between your legs while driving…

Enough stupid disclaimers, although I love to read safety instructions when I buy new appliances! On with the post…

An angry ex girlfriend, who has passive aggressive tendencies might…

6. Mail his new girlfriend an ad for Viagra with a note that says, “Good Luck!”

5. Take his mom out to lunch. Tell her the new girlfriend is a real family gal. She just loves family popping by unexpectedly.

4. Remind Mom that her son still can’t do his own laundry. Poor thing! And the new girlfriend needs some pointers on how and when to do his laundry for him.

3. Tell Mom that you really like the new girlfriend and you want to be the bigger person. Tell her to let the new girlfriend know that she can “tag along” with us, the next time we have lunch. Just us three girls !

2. Make sure she asks her in front of your ex.

1. Helpful Hints for the New Girlfriend…Send the new girfriend a list of things that your ex will EXPECT her to do for him. Including…

  • pack his lunch
  • answer his text messages immediately
  • but wait patiently for 5 or 6 hours for any response from him
  • never ask why he did not respond to your text
  • accept the blame for every misunderstanding
  • apologize when you do not live up to his requirements
  • never ask him for an apology. He will say “I am always apologizing to you!”  (however you will never hear one apology EVER)
  • always apologize profusely for not answering his text or voicemail, fast enough
  • let him choose all of the restaurants
  • let him decide if, when and where you go out on a date
  • give him business advice
  • do his accounting 
  • wash his socks
  • be his morning, wake up service  (even if it means you have to wake up 3 hours early just to call him)
  • stay up until 3am, the night before the wake-up service (to do secretarial work for his business)
  • go on 5 hours a sleep a night, when he is in a crisis
  • neglect your own career and job, to help him with his
  • make his doctor appointments for him
  • make sure you have other plans for your birthday, because he will be working
  • call back and change the doctor appointments (when he schedules a business meeting for the same time he told you to schedule the appt for)
  • call back and change his dr. appt. back to the original time (when he changes his business meeting on a whim)
  •  be prepared to request off  from your job, for his birthday
  • always be respectful to him in public, but understand that he has to act the way he wants to, even if it embarrasses you
  • sit in the car crying, after an argument, while he goes into the diner to eat lunch

Top 10 Things That are Likely to Occur on the Holidays if you Have OCD or Germophobia


10. When you go for holiday dinner, there will be one hand towel in the bathroom for 20 people.

9. You are eating the food that Grandma brought when you see her cough and sneeze, and then wipe it on the back of her hand.

8. You go to the hostess’s fridge to get more milk for your kids and you notice the expiration date was 4 days ago.

7. The host is feeding the dog meat from the table and then he passes you the cranberry sauce.

6. The cashier at the grocery store is coughing like she has bronchitis as she is bagging your groceries. When you offer to bag it yourself, she says “I don’t mind

5. Someone stuffed their used, snotty tissues back into the tissue box.

4. Your daughter comes and hands you back the hairbrush…

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Top Ten Things You Cannot Do About Annoying Relatives !


We might like to, but we cannot…

10. Drop them off at a random bus station and say “good luck!”

9. Change our phone number, but keep telling them they are dialing the number  wrong.

8. Turn out the lights and hide behind the door, like they do in “What About Raymond?” tv show

7. List them on Craig’s List under the “Please Take … Free…you haul”   section

6. Send a postcard from where you go on vacation and tell them you moved there

5. Have a remote control that plays the CD Player really loud, and hit the button every time they start to criticize you or give you annoying advice

4. Fake a doctor’s note that you have suddenly become deaf and cannot talk on the phone or even hear them when they are speaking directly to you

3. Take them back for a refund !


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anxiety, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness

Triggers from Domestic Abuse and PTSD

Trauma never really goes away. It is a part of us that we have to live with every day. How that trauma affects us, depends on the person and the level of healing you we are currently at.

Domestic abuse trauma is severe and can impact our lives negatively for a very long time. The attack on our self-esteem by our abuser was deliberate and insidious. Our abuser attempted to control our thoughts and behaviors by making us feel inadequate and ashamed.

The feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness are carried with us, until we are able to acknowledge that we were truly traumatized and accept the fact that we sustained psychological injury from the abuse.

Once we can accept that we were not at fault,  and did nothing to deserve to be abused, then we can begin to grow and learn how to cope with the mental  injuries.

The scars of abuse will always be with us, but we can work towards reducing the open wounds in our emotions and our minds. When we have gaping, painful wounds, our everyday lives tend to revolve around them.

We try to avoid being “bumped into” in an emotional or mental way. Our brains cannot tolerate even the slightest thing that might retraumatize us. 

Anything that reminds us of the abuser, the circumstances surrounding the abuse, or how we felt during the abuse, may be  intolerable. This may cause us to organize our lives around avoiding anything that might trigger a state of post traumatic stress. We will develop behavior patterns of avoidance and may be in a state of hyperarousal almost all of the time.

The  hyperarousal state is when all of our guards are up. We are constantly scanning our environment for possible threats. These may be physical threat or mental / emotional threats. Because of the damage our brains have already sustained, we cannot risk any more damage.

This is something we instinctively know. We know that we cannot tolerate any more trauma or any more retraumatization.

When we are newly out of the traumatic situation, our ability to feel relaxed and feel safe has been compromised. There seem to be threats all around us. This is true for some victims, but every individual is unique.

Some people may go several  months or more,  without any noticeable symptoms, and then suddenly begin to show signs of post traumatic stress.

We lose our ability to trust our own judgement and may avoid any situation we are not sure of. We ended up in abuse one time and we are afraid to experience that again. We are also afraid to be triggered into having traumatic memories flooding back into our brains.

The memories of the abuse can be overwhelming and painful to us. We want to get away from them. There are people that remind us of our abuser in some way.

There are situations that remind us of situations we were in. There are also other things like locations, songs, sounds, sensations and objects that can remind us of the original trauma.

The individual triggers are different for different people. It is good to pay attention to what triggers you and be mindful of your reactions and feelings.

The more you understand about your own responses, be them behavioral or internal, the further along the path to healing you will be.

life, mental abuse, poetry

Pillars of Gold

You built me a house with pillars of gold

You made me a bed filled with feathers of down

You laid me down softly and brushed away my tears

You wanted to protect me from the world

You made us a castle to live in as one

Away from the world of reality and pain

I asked you to take me there and show me in person

But you only said “someday” and “soon”

I waited for “someday” with patience and faith

In the mean time I wasted much of my own life away

I waited for “soon” but it got farther away

Your lies were so real they became what was true

But the person you were was not the person I knew