anxiety, bipolar, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, suicude

Enter My Brain at Your Own Risk…Depression and bad thoughts

riskEnter my brain at your own risk

It’s not for the faint of heart

Thoughts that you should never think

And circuits just coming apart

Enter my world if you dare

No one would fault you for not

The ones who have entered before you

Did not always come back to stop

Sometimes we hesitate to reach out for real help from people because we do not feel that they will be able to handle helping us. If we were to be truly transparent to them, it would be too much of a burden. Especially when we are very depressed and thinking thoughts that are dark and disturbing.

It is true that there are many people in our lives that could not handle entering into the world of our minds, at the times when our thoughts are the darkest. There are also people that would not understand,  because the kinds of thought patterns that can occur during severe depression, can be so unusual and unbelievable,  to people that have never had them.

Thoughts of why we should still be living. Thoughts about the worthlessness of our lives, and the pain that feels too much to continue. There many people who are so uncomfortable with hearing thoughts about life and death, that they would ask us not to speak of such things.

Working in healthcare, I have had patients that were suicidal or at least not wanting to live anymore. When they mentioned anything along those lines, the other workers would say the very things that should not be said to someone who is in that state of mind.

1. You don’t really mean that

2. Don’t talk like that

3. You are just trying to get attention

4. Everyone feels depressed sometimes and we don’t go around saying things like that

5. It can’t be that bad

6. It is not that bad

7. You have a good life

8. You would not really do that

9. Don’t say things you don’t mean

The list goes on, but you get the idea. People are so uncomfortable when people say they do not really want to be here anymore, that they say the very things that will shut them down, or worse.

Numbers 8 and 9 above, are almost challenges, to someone who already feels like they no longer want to live. The speaker is not realizing that the person may already have formulated a plan for suicide. The plan may have been acted out in their minds so many times that it would only take a “challenge” like one of those statements, to shift the person from thinking about suicide into the mode of acting upon the already formulated plan.

Suicide can be done quickly and on an impulse. Or it can be carefully planned. All people with depression are certainly not suicidal, but either way, people do not always know how to respond to dark thoughts of any kind, when they hear them.

Some people may react to your opening up to them, in a way that makes you feel shamed. It is like the thought of being worthless, and having no purpose to be here, is a bad behavior. It is an unwanted, outside the norm, unacceptable behavior. Family members may tell you that your saying things like that embarrasses them and not to ever speak of it again.

The problem is there. Sometimes you need to talk to someone about your depression, and no one wants to listen. People want to walk through life and pretend that bad things do not exist. They also do not understand much else than their own particular world will allow.

Severe depression is something that a person needs to talk about with another human. It needs to be heard and the thoughts need to be outside of the person’s head for once.  The longer the dark thoughts go around and around, the more alone the person feels. The lack of anyone to talk to, only increases the feeling that “I do not belong here in the world”

If you already feel alone and afraid then being rejected by someone about your thoughts, makes you feel more alone and more afraid. This is a very sad and lonely place to be. All alone inside your head, with frightening darkness. This is not the way it should be.

. I think that some people are not going to listen to it, no matter what. But everyone is not the same, and there are some people that can handle listening to someone in a deep depression.

I hope that if you are feeling the darkness of depression, that you can find someone who can handle listening to you, better yet sitting with you and listening in a personal way. When there is no one, then we have to find other ways of reaching out, like on wordpress or other online sources.

Depression can be very dark, and being alone in the darkness is  terrible place to be. My thoughts are with anyone who is feeling very depressed now. I wish for you that you can find a safe space to express the thoughts in your mind.

Blessings

Annie

16 thoughts on “Enter My Brain at Your Own Risk…Depression and bad thoughts”

    1. Yes I have heard that one. I forgot about that one. Why does there have to a logical reason to cry? And how does someone know that you have no reason to cry. They do not know what things are going on in your head or why you are crying. Many people do not understand that we cry when something brings thoughts to our mind that are frustrating, sad, angering or hopeless. The things we are thinking about may have been brought about by the current situation, but it does not mean that we are crying about the current happenings directly.
      I usually am crying about things the situation reminds me of in the past or more often what I am picturing happening in the future that is terrifying me. Even thoughts of havng to continue living surrounded by people that lack compassion makes me cry. So someone acting without compassion about my crying only proves my point to myself and makes me feel worse.
      Wordpress has ended up showing me that there are still compassionate people in the world. I am blessed to be a part of this community. It has given me hope again. But the world out there at work and interacting with people in this house is lacking compassion. I do not cry in those places because I fear it would work against me.
      It is always good to hear from you. I wish you lived closer so I could visit you with my guitar.
      Have a peaceful day
      Annie

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I’ve been in that dark place and it is so difficult to speak about it when people shut you down. I’ve learned who I can speak to and will be listened to and validated. This person is there when I need to talk. I’ve also learned to just listen and care when someone is experiencing their dark place.Thankfully, I don’t go to my dark place often. Thanks for speaking about this, Annie. 🙂

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  2. This is really true. I have been in a situation that I have been scared to tell someone what I was thinking that it ate me whole and needed to find an outlet to get through everyday life and that was writing stories.

    More than that, I resulted to journaling what I was feeling and decided that if I get through a particularly rough day, I would treat myself with rewards.

    When people say “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission” I really want to through a huge ass rock to thier face because that’s not true, anyone can make you feel inferior when severe depression and anxiety are clouding over your head every second of the day.

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    1. Yes I agree. People that say that “you are responsible for your feelings and no one can make you feel bad, if you do not allow it” is bul%$*Lsht. People can hurt you, crush down your self esteem and make you feel inferior by their actions, their intent or their words. Writing is my outlet as well.

      I am glad we were able to discover wordpress and that there are people here who know how to connect as humans.
      It is like people are robots and go through the world to make their money, take care of themselves, and do not want to bothered with meaningful human connection. Maybe those of us that value emotional connection are in the minority. It is hard to fit in and relate at work and other places. My ideas are considered disruptive to the status quo system.

      They tell me “just do your Job Description” like it is written in the handbook. The handbook says nothing about taking time to listen to depressed old patients or coming up with creative, cognitively stimulating activities for the old people. When I do that I am being defiant. Weird isn’t it?

      I think that people like us write because it is the way to authentic and true to ourselves, in the midst of a world where being our authentic selves is not wanted.

      Thank you for reading and for connecting with me and the other readers here.
      Annie

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. Some things need to be said, that are not usually spoken about. These topics are “taboo” in our society.
      Thank you for taking the time to comment and to read my blog,
      Annie

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  3. How about “that’s a very selfish thing to do”. I do not understand why anyone would think that would help a person who is already feeling bad about themselves and everything. You are right. Most people cannot understand how another can want to not live anymore. The only people who have understood me when I voiced that were the other patients in the ward (I have been hospitalized twice). Thank you for this beautiful post. it validates why I don’t bother trying to talk to anyone anymore.

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    1. Yes I can believe that the other patients were much more compassionate to you that the healthcare workers. I tried to talk to the other workers where I was working before and I ended up frustrated and just asking them to please call me when someone was talking like this. They only made the person feel worse.
      I had a suicidal elderly patient last year, at a nursing home. When I went to her and listened, I said “yes, I understand that you feel that way” she looked at me said “no one else believes me”
      When I listened to her reasons, they were really quite understandable, not that I wanted her to be suicidal. But I could understand why she felt that she had no reason to still be here. She missed her husband who had died and she wanted to go be with him in heaven. She felt useless because she was old and had to rely on others to take care of her. She could no longer sing in the choir, go to church, or write music, which were the things she loved. She had pain all the time from her condition. No one had actually taken time ti hear her reasons and actually think “how would I feel if it were me?”
      She did feel better to talk about it and I think that people need to be listened to and validated. When people say things (like I heard them say to her) like “you don’t really mean that” and “don’t talk that way” it is like shaming them into feeling like they are doing something offensive and wrong.

      If you have to feel like your own feelings and thoughts are offensive to others then doesn’t that make you more alienated from people and feel less like you belong here” That is how I would feel, if people told me to stop talking because my thoughts were bothering them. Worse yet, that they did not believe me.

      Many people do not realize that people do not say these things because they are lying or exaggerating. Usually it is more the case that someone is feeling even worse than they are saying to someone. They are never exaggerating.

      One problem in the facilities, like where you were, and also the nursing homes, is that they are not set up for the workers to be compassionate. The owners want the work done and they do not count listening to people and being human, as part of the work, even though it should be. I will write more posts in the future about healthcare facilities and the lack of compassion, and why.
      I am sorry for your experience. It must be very lonely to be stuck somewhere away from home, be in a dark painful place and have no one that cares out of the workers who are supposed to be taking care of you.

      The world is becoming less compassionate. It is one of the reasons for my blog. Without kindness and compassion, what are we?

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. Nice to hear from you.
      Annie

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Love this entire post…love the poem in the beginning. I absolutely hate when people belittle my feelings either physical or mental pain, and I just don’t take it anymore. If they do not want to hear about my feelings then, then guess what? They don’t get to enjoy me or benefit from me when I am feeling “good” either.
    I will absolutely not stand to watch others treated this way. Never have. I am only recently learning to stand up for myself. It is very lonely, though. I love your posts, Annie. Remember to also keep writing about yourself. Everyone is here for you as well.
    Much love,
    CC

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  5. Thanks for the blog. When I was in my depression I was lucky enough to have 2 very special people in my life who let me share my darkness with them. It is one of the gifts that have brought me to this place of living in bliss and with pain. My life is awesome now. I am truly blest.

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  6. Wow! As I was reading, an incident from my job during last week came to mind. One of the workers felt as though one of the residents would not act on a threat to commit suicide and voiced it. She said that she knew the young lady from the community and knew that “it was all talk.” We had to pull out the young lady’s chart to show where she had many an attempt on several occasions before. The look on the worker’s face was of shock and disbelief.

    It doesn’t matter how well we may think we know someone. Unless they invite us into their inner world and thoughts, we have no idea of what is going on inside of their minds.

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