anxiety attack, bipolar, bipolar disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, mental disorders, mental health, mental illness

Derealization / Depersonalization Disorder Part 2 / Memory Failure

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This is the second part of my posts on derealization / depersonalization disorder. Part 1 can be viewed here.

One thing that I have experienced is a major lack of disorganization of my thoughts.

The thoughts become disorganized, meaning that they do not flow in a logical order. There are pieces of thoughts here and there, that come and then go, and then come back again.

I try to begin with a train of thought and then quickly do not remember where I was going with it. A little later it comes back to me and I can continue on with it for a minute or two, before it is lost again.

Last night I wrote a post from the state of derealization and I will post it next. I had to pause completely in places, to figure out what I was thinking and in those cases I put a “dot dot dot”  … or …Uhg …or something like that and that is where I was stopping to get my brain back together.

risk

The memory fails to function properly. Once in a while I get into a severe anxiety state, that goes into some level of derealization and then my memory just fails. I cannot even remember a simple direction given to me by a coworker.

They will tell me to do something and when I walk down the hall, the memory of what they told me leaves. I don’t just mean that I forget what they told me. I will will actually forget “that” they told me.

I wonder why I am walking that direction down the hall. I make an educated guess as to what I may have been going in that direction for, but I completely have lost the fact that someone gave me a specific task to do.

The harder I try to keep on track, the more nervous I get over the fact that I am not remembering simple directions, the worse my ability to keep track of things gets.

As I mentioned most people that have episodes of the derealization state have trauma of some kind in their past or present. Sometimes situations occur that are too overwhelming and trigger post traumatic stress.

In the case that you are still living with some kind of mental or other abuse, the actual abuse can cause the derealization and / or the depersonalization mode to kick in. Actually, it is more like parts of the grounded brain function are shutting off, than it is like something is kicking in.

out of mind

This can occur to perfectly intelligent and logical people. It is not a sign of lack of intelligence. In fact, the more intelligent, sensitive and creative a person is, the more severely their brain is sometimes affected by mental types of abuse.

The brain keeps attempting to put the abuse into some category of ration and logic. Since it cannot do that, the brain becomes more and more traumatized , as it tried to organize the information surrounding the abuse.

Derealization and depersonalization often goes with another disorder such as bipolar disorder, PTSD, dissociative disorder or a severe anxiety disorder.

Later this afternoon, I will post the writing from the night I was still in the derealization state. I had begun to come out of it enough to be able to write. I talk about what it had been like for me earlier that day.

The worst part of the day had been in the early afternoon. The post was written late that night, while I was still struggling with the symptoms, but I was better than the time of the day that I describe in the post.

Hopefully this will shed some light on this less understood disorder and be of help to people who feel very alone about having this disorder.

I think that most people that experience this, keep it to themselves, for fear of sounding crazy or not being understood. This is also true for me and this is really the first time I have decided to be truthful and transparent about these experiences.

4 thoughts on “Derealization / Depersonalization Disorder Part 2 / Memory Failure”

    1. ❤ Thank you also. I feel less alone, now that I have met so many friends that understand the things I experience. I did not have anyone to validate the "insanity in my brain" before.

      There are reasons for these things. The brain and the body always try to protect themselves. The brain rearranges neurons to literally "wire our brains" for fear in order to protect us. Then when the level of fear and the length of time we feel it, becomes too much, the brain just shuts down to a kind of parking light mode.

      You know when the car is on just enough to listen to music, but it won't drive? What is that called? I never thought of this before but it might be a good analogy.

      LOL I am laughing now because I am able to think of these psychological analogies but I have no idea what that is called when the car does that.
      But I did duct tape the wiper blades last week LOL Did you read the duct tape post?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, I didn’t read the duct tape post, but I can only imagine! 😉 I don’t what it’s called when the car is on enough for music but not driving – at least I don’t think so – is it idling? Anyway, I’m so glad you feel less alone – that’s truly wonderful, Annie! (((hugs)))

        Like

  1. Reblogged this on Lovely Wounded Lady Says … and commented:

    This post was written 4 days prior to the narcissist I was with giving me the “Final Discard” in the cruel way that they like to do.

    I was still with him, when this was written. I was going through extreme derealization states and I actually drove the wrong direction to work , which is 10 minutes away from my house and in a straight line.
    I thought I was losing my mind and was close to having to be hospitalized.

    I never attributed this to the narcissistic abuse until now. Although I have been experiencing some derealization states since the discarding (i can’t say break up because he never broke up with me…I thought we were ok and then he simply disappeared and refused to take my calls) , I have not experienced anything as disconnected as what I was going through, near to the end of this relationship.

    If you know the pattern of narcissistic abuse, they devalue you at the end and make you feel abandoned by them emotionally. There is a strange and sudden alteration in the relationship, which they make you think is in your imagination, which is designed to make you believe you are severely mentally ill..or worse to cause you to become severely mentally ill.

    I was clearly becoming more and more out of touch with reality, as he played his twisted mind games against me.

    I have not experienced anything so severe, as to not know where I am when I am driving to work, since I have not been listening to his constant rattling on about all kind if nonsensical things.

    The quiet has been a blessing. I missed his voice so much at first, but now I feel like some loud disturbing , constant noise has finally stopped. I had become so used to this voice filling up my brain with darkness and mentally disturbed thoughts, that I did not even remember what “quiet” was like. I forgot the sound of my own inner voice, because it could not get a turn to interrupt him.

    Quiet and solitude can be better than being with someone, especially if they are filling your days and nights with thoughts and feelings of darkness.

    I remember listening to him screaming (not at me…just at the world…into the air of his room..) and telling me that he was going to stab his neck with a pair of scissors.

    Like

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