How can we avoid ending up in an abuse situation again? This is the question that you are asking yourself, if you have recently gotten out of an abusive relationship, or if you have been discarded by a narcissist.
You may still have this question haunting you, even if the abusive relationship that broke you, was years ago.
The other scenario that some readers are in, is that of still being in an abusive relationship. Maybe you are in the process of summoning up the courage to leave him or her. Maybe you are wondering that if you leave, you will never have any kind of love again.
There is a tremendous fear of not being loved and never having love in your life. For many people, love is the main reason for being human. Love is the main driving force for most everything we do.
The thought that we will never be loved, makes us feel that our lives have been… are … and will continue to be ….a waste of time and energy.
What is the point of life, it we will never know love? How can we ever be able to trust another person with our deepest emotions and with our intimacy again?
More importantly…What is wrong with me?…What is wrong with me that no one has ever loved me, in the way I needed to be loved?
What is wrong with me that makes me unlovable? Why have I been abused and why do I feel like I am drawing abuser into my life?
If you have been abused by a narcissist, then I am pretty sure that you will recognize many, if not all, of these thoughts from your own brain.
Where are these fears coming from ?
Some of these thoughts have been with you since childhood. If you stayed with an abuser, as an adult, then you were most likely put through abuse as a child.
There were patterns of abuse that you became conditioned to . This kept you from picking up on the red flags. Looking back over the relationship you can see that there were red flags very early in the relationship.
Please let go of the shame that you are carrying. Please let go of the feelings of guilt that your abuser fed into your brain. Let go of the feeling that you are to blame because you tolerated the abuse.
Clearly you did not recognize any abusive behaviors early on. You were trying to make the relationship work, because you truly valued the person and cared about them.
Let go of the shame that you feel about being abused as a child. Let go of your feelings of guilt, about feeling that you have done something wrong, that makes you deserve to be abused. You did not deserve to be damaged as a child. NO child does.
You did not deserve to be manipulated and used as someone’s narcissistic “supply.” You are a person, NOT an object. Your life is important and NOT the playground for another person, who is crossing your most intimate boundaries.
Stunted Development During Childhood
Your normal social development was interrupted or denied to you. You had a right to go through the proper developmental stages as a child. Most children are allowed and supported, as they go through the stages of social development, that are designed to prepare them to deal with others as an adult.
You were supposed to be taught by your parents, about personal boundaries.Personal boundaries are necessary, in order to deal with other people, without being mistreated, taken advantage of, and stalked by predators.
Why do I Feel Like Something is Wrong with Me?
Children have the need to be externally validated. When people treat their children with love and respect, they teach them that they are loved. When children feel loved, they develope boundaries about what kinds of treatment are acceptable and what is unacceptable from intimate partners.
How do we teach our children that they are lovable? When children are loved, then they learn to feel loved and to feel that they are worthy of being loved. Your parents are the main source of love for you as a child. You do not have the freedom to go outside of the family to get love.
If your parents did not treat you with love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness, then you did not learn what healthy love is. We are taught by default, by our parents , that we are not worthy of love.
When our parents are constantly impatient, critical, and harsh , then that is how they teach us to treat ourselves.
We will grow up to be impatient and judgmental of ourselves. We are overly critical of ourselves and we tolerate people’s accusations of behaviors that we may not have even done.
If we are impatient and judgmental of ourselves, then we accept other people being the same way with us.
We allow them to overblow our small transgressions and inflict unreasonable punishment upon us. This is not love, but how could we have known that?
If we are taught to feel guilt and shame, then we are used to feeling these things about ourselves. It is easy for a narcissistic person to use our feelings of toxic shame against us.
We tolerate the treatment from others, that we give ourselves. Whatever we are used to hearing in our own heads, will be familiar to us, and we accept it as the truth. This is how narcissists manipulate people with C-PTSD.
Your narcissist found out that you have these “defects” early on in the relationship. It was during the “Idealization” phase, when they seemed to be such a wonderful listener. They asked about your past and they took notes about your weaknesses.
When we can learn to be patient with ourselves, then we will draw boundaries around ourselves. We will not tolerate being treated in abusive ways by others. We should not allow other people to get away with being impatient, disrespectful, rude, thoughtless or abusive to us, in any way.
**Once you have had a chance to read this post, I will post the second part, which has already been written. You can feel free to leave comments for this one, or you can wait for the second part, until you have the whole thing in your head to consider. I am wishing peacefulness for you.