domestic abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental health blog, mental illness, mental illness blog, narcissistic abuse

Meet Yourself Again! The Aftermath of Abusive, Manipulative Relationships

If you have been manipulated and controlled by other people, or in an abusive relationship with someone for a while, then we have to find our true selves again.  You have been catering to the feelings and moods of another person for a long time, and you may have lost touch with our own feelings and thoughts.

 Your true personality and values can become buried within you,  in the middle of constantly trying to read another person,  in order to keep them happy or to keep them from becoming angry or retaliating against you in some way.

You can become so conditioned to prioritizing someone else,  that you forget that you have a unique personality, individual needs and individual opinions.

Not only do you have them, they are important !

You can begin to reintroduce yourself to yourself. Think about the things that you value and what you want to prioritize, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. Think about what your dreams are, if you were not going to be punished for expressing them.

If you are still in an abusive relationship, you can think about these things, and it will help to reorient you. You may have to keep them to yourself, and think about them in silence. There is value in beginning to identify your own desires and dreams again. They do matter.

If someone is telling you what to think, what to value, and what to prioritize, then they are stealing away your right to be your own adult person.

If you have gotten out of an abusive or highly manipulative situation, then it is time to find out who you are again. It felt like you lost yourself in the relationship. The dominator made you an extension of themselves, in order to have their way all the time.

They may have used you to fulfill their dreams, or just have abused you in order to make you suffer. Yes, there are really people like that in the world. If you were suffering all the time, and they were  not listening to you when you asked them to stop, then clearly they had no problem watching you in pain.

 Make lists of things you like to do.  Then make time for yourself  to do some of the things on your list.

You can start with very simple things. Pick something that you used to do, or wanted to do, but were not “allowed” to do that during the relationship. It may be just watching Netflix and eating popcorn for 4 hours. It may be going for a walk on the beach.

hello self

The other person, or people, may have controlled what you watched on tv, what music you were allowed to listen to, what books you were allowed to read, or who you were allowed to talk to. Make a list and then try to allow yourself time to do one or more of these things each day.

This is a simple step to beginning to feel that you have the right to make your own decisions. The dominating or abusive person. made all of their own choices about what they wanted to do. Now you are free from them and can do things that you choose to do.

Taking the first step of making simple choices, will help you get to where you can trust yourself to make bigger choices about your life. You should be able to work where and how you want to. You should be able to live the way you want to.

Think about your opinions and your thoughts about things. What thoughts were controlled, or fed to you by the someone else?

 What thoughts and opinions are actually your own?

If you have thoughts that you are a failure, or that you are stupid, they may have been fed to you, through behavioral modification tactics.

 If you feel that you overreact to your own pain and feelings, that also may have been conditioned into you.

Toxic personalities will minimize your pain and your feelings. They want you to focus on them.

Meet yourself,  as if you were getting to know a new person, or someone you had not seen in a long time. Ask yourself what you think and feel about everything you do throughout the day.

Get into the habit of thinking for yourself again, and for realizing that your feelings and opinions are just as valid as anyone else’s.

Blessings for Peace of Mind, and Individual Uniqueness,

Annie

5 thoughts on “Meet Yourself Again! The Aftermath of Abusive, Manipulative Relationships”

  1. I have found myself trying to replace items I lost in fleeing my abuser. It has been helping me to see what is really important to me. I am sure there are many things I don’t miss at all and cannot remember, but anything to do with baking or natural stone or fabric has been nagging at me. I should make a concentrated effort, as you suggest. It has taken me years to recall former interests. My abuser had me get rid of every nice piece of furniture I had. Not that I could have brought it with me, but when I look back it seems so deliberate. As always, thanks for the advice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It probably was deliberate. If he knew it was important to you, then he had you get rid of it, in order to devalue you and your feelings.
      I am sorry for the things you lost.
      Another thing that helps me, is go through and get rid of things that remind me of past abusive situations. Then get things that represent you and your choices.

      Even the little things they did, were added causes to mental trauma.

      I once had gotten two outdoor play toys for my little daughter. He thought they were in the way, on the back porch, although it was a huge porch and they were off to the side. He moved them and told me they were in the garage.

      I did not think anything of it until I went to look for them a few weeks later and they were not there. He had lied about putting them in the garage and had disposed of them.

      This kind of abuse is mental and works to lower our self esteem and make us feel that nothing we want matters at all. There is a general feeling of unsafety that your things are not protected in your house. It feels invasive, like a thief came in and stole things, but the thief sleeps in the bed right next to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, as you can see, I am still incredulous about it. It is easier to believe it was not deliberate and suspect it was, than to admit it was deliberate. I suppose acceptance would go a long way.. I might be focusing on objects instead of incidents.. That avoidance is always there for me.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I am really glad you have taken the step of opening a dialogue about this. You have not really done that before, and it shows growth and healing.

      Just a thought….I am in the process of training to do Life Coach work and I need to get a few people to do free coaching with, in order to practice.

      Would you be interested in talking this out with me over Skype? Or any other things that are on your mind about the aftermath of an abusive relationship.

      I want to specialize in abuse survivors, because it is close to my heart. I want to help people and I need to make money, so I thought that this type of work would be good for both.

      As I said, I am doing free coaching for the next week or so. Also, I follow the same rules as therapists so, as far as confidentiality. Nothing that is said during a coaching session will ever be repeated to anyone. It is completely confidential.

      I just need to practice coaching over Skype or Google chat. It is for practical experience for me and I do think that I can help you think through some of these issues. I can definitely validate and understand your feelings.

      If you are interested , you can email me at michelemimimish@gmail.com

      If not, maybe you can pass this info into someone who might want to do free life coaching for abuse or C-PTSD from childhood abuse. Coaching is similar but different from therapy. It is more informal, has the same privacy rights, but as a coach I do not have to sit there and not give my own feelings and opinions. It is good way to really have a conversation., rather than the one sided therapy session.

      Let me know. Otherwise. feel free to keep talking to me one here. I am always happy to connect with you. I feel you are growing.

      Much love.
      Annie ❤ 🙂

      Like

      1. Thanks for the offer, but I don’t think I would make for good practice. I am reluctant to address anything, my avoidance is too profound. I can move forward and get things done just fine, but I cannot sort the past out properly. I have had the same therapist for two years and still have not shared an incident with her. I think my next step is going to be EMDR.

        Liked by 1 person

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