You do not have to tolerate unfair treatment and unreasonable demands from your partner. If you are not being listened to and your needs are not being heard then you will begin to lose your feeling of worthiness.
Your thoughts and feelings matter. You should have a partner that listens and cares about your needs. Your needs are as important in a relationship as the other person’s are.
The longer you stay in a relationship where someone else’s needs are always the priority the more you will become invisible. The more invisible you feel , the lower your self esteem will get. The lower your self esteem gets, the more you will become dependent on the toxic partner.
The more dependent you feel on them, the harder it will be to leave them. The more they realize that they have been successful in their efforts to make you become dependent, the more manipulative and abusive they will be to you.
If you have gotten out of the abusive relationship then keep the No Contact rule. The only reason for having to have contact is by court orders due to mutual children with the abuser.
If you must have minimal contact due to court order, keep the contact through email where you can keep documentation of everything they say and also what you say. That way they cannot make up lies about you.
Taking a phone call from a past narcissistic abuser will open you up to further abuse. They will try to hoover you back in with promises and lies. You are only being used and manipulated.
My ex contacted me 4 months after discarding me in a cruel way. He sent two dozen red roses. He put a note in the flowers about my being a wonderful person and that he misses me.
He wanted me to do something for him. It was the only reason he would contact me
Part of me wanted to believe that he missed me. I cried when I was arranging the beautiful roses in the vase. I wished he did really love me. I remembered his false promises of us working together and buying a house together. He even showed me pictures of properties he was considering in various states. Hours of looking at beautiful houses only to keep me doing work for him. I cried as I wished the flowers were from someone who meant them in an honest way.
He emailed me about how I was doing and said he hoped that I was okay. He said he missed me.
I emailed him back …breaking the No Contact rule…which was bad. I did tell him that I would not talk to him on the phone though.
I did however implement the Grey Rock Technique with him. If you do not know what this is, I will give a brief description.
When you are faced with interaction from a past abuser, who seems interested in seeing you again, you do not fight back. You act neutral and non emotional. You can say something vague to them, like you hope their life is good and that you are busy right now with your own. Act disinterested and unemotional, rather than angry at them or hurt by them.
Even negative “supply” like your feeling angry at them, counts as “narcissistic supply” to them and they feed off of that. They will like to see that they were able to make such an impact on you as to hurt you.
So, I did not say anything emotional in the email, but I told him that I had been very ill , which I had , and I was still very ill. I let him know that I was too sick to do things.
If he cared about me then he would have responded to that email about my being in the hospital and being sick. But he never responded. He could care less if I died in the hospital due to my immune system crashing over the stress of the abuse. It might even make him feel victorious. But I did not suggest that I had been sick since he left me.
I merely let him know that I was not well enough to any work for him. I assumed that he needed some work done for his company. That is what he always used me for in the past. Marketing, web design, making phone calls, etc
But when I told him I was ill, he never contacted me again. I was Broken Narcissistic Supply. I was no good to him because I could not work.
You see the lack of empathy that any normal person would have here? Any ex that contacted you and they found out you had been ill, would at least respond with “I am sorry to hear that you have been sick”
If they approached you in the first place, sent you flowers, and told you great you are, why would they not respond to you telling them you had been in the hospital?
Because they do not care. They were only lying to get something out of you. If you appear to be disinterested in them, then you are not good narcissistic supply. If you appear to be sick then you are also not good narcissistic supply.
They reduced you to an object, a property they are entitled to, a tool to be used. There is no emotion like kindness or compassion.
All interacting with will do is get you ending up being used again, or being hurt again when you see how there is absolutely no compassion for you at all. You will only be retraumatized by their lack of humanity. You will get hit in the face with all the lies they told you in the past and the false promises of a future with them.
Do what I say, not what I do…..
I made a mistake to respond to him. It only hurt me. But at least I did not let him manipulate me into working for him. If I had taken a phone call from him, he would have had a better chance to get my sympathy by crying and telling me how the business is crashing and I am the only one who can save it.
These were only games before. I have heard the You are the Only one who can save me before. Then I was replaced by others who he said were better than me at this and that. He suddenly criticized and demeaned my work that was previously amazing.
Lest we forget….narcissists are all about the games,,,they will beat you if you play.
Why?
Because it is their game and they have played it a lot longer than you have. They know they rules and they make up new rules as they go along.
They will always win because they have no feelings like the ones you have of compassion, guilt, remorse. They can do things and not carry remorse for them. How can you compete with that.
Just do not play. Trust me.
GentleKindness 