Do Not Set Yourself on Fire to Keep Your Partner Warm and Comfortable

save yourself memeYou do not have to tolerate unfair treatment and unreasonable demands from your partner. If you are not being listened to and your needs are not being heard then you will begin to lose your feeling of worthiness.

Your thoughts and feelings matter. You should have a partner that listens and cares about your needs. Your needs are as important in a relationship as the other person’s are.

The longer you stay in a relationship where someone else’s needs are always the priority the more you will become invisible. The more invisible you feel , the lower your self esteem will get. The lower your self esteem gets, the more you will become dependent on the toxic partner.

The more dependent you feel on them, the harder it will be to leave them. The more they realize that they have been successful in their efforts to make you become dependent, the more manipulative and abusive they will be to you.

no contact ribbon

If you have gotten out of the abusive relationship then keep the No Contact rule. The only reason for having to have contact is by court orders due to mutual children with the abuser.

If you must have minimal contact due to court order, keep the contact through email where you can keep documentation of everything they say and also what you say. That way they cannot make up lies about you.

Taking a phone call from a past narcissistic abuser will open you up to further abuse. They will try to hoover you back in with promises and lies. You are only being used and manipulated.

My ex contacted me 4 months after discarding me in a cruel way. He sent two dozen red roses. He put a note in the flowers about my being a wonderful person and that he misses me.

He wanted me to do something for him. It was the only reason he would contact me

Part of me wanted to believe that he missed me. I cried when I was arranging the beautiful roses in the vase. I wished he did really love me. I remembered his false promises of us working together and buying a house together. He even showed me pictures of properties he was considering in various states. Hours of looking at beautiful houses only to keep me doing work for him. I cried as I wished the flowers were from someone who meant them in an honest way.

He emailed me about how I was doing and said he hoped that I was okay. He said he missed me.

I emailed him back …breaking the No Contact rule…which was bad. I did tell him that I would not talk to him on the phone though.

I did however implement the Grey Rock Technique with him. If you do not know what this is, I will give a brief description.

When you are faced with interaction from a past abuser, who seems interested in seeing you again, you do not fight back. You act neutral and non emotional. You can say something vague to them, like you hope their life is good and that you are busy right now with your own. Act disinterested and unemotional, rather than angry at them or hurt by them.

Even negative “supply”  like your feeling angry at them, counts as “narcissistic supply”  to them and they feed off of that. They will like to see that they were able to make such an impact on you as to hurt you.

So, I did not say anything emotional in the email, but I told him that I had been very ill , which I had , and I was still very ill. I let him know that I was too sick to do things.

If he cared about me then he would have responded to that email about my being in the hospital and being sick. But he never responded. He could care less if I died in the hospital due to my immune system crashing over the stress of the abuse. It might even make him feel victorious. But I did  not suggest that I had been sick since he left me.

I merely let him know that I was not well enough to any work for him. I assumed that he needed some work done for his company. That is what he always used me for in the past. Marketing, web design, making phone calls, etc

But when I told him I was ill, he never contacted me again. I was Broken Narcissistic Supply. I was no good to him because I could not work.

You see the lack of empathy that any normal person would have here? Any ex that contacted you and they found out you had been ill, would at least respond with  “I am sorry to hear that you have been sick”

If they approached you in the first place, sent you flowers, and told you great you are, why would they not respond to you telling them you had been in the hospital?

Because they do not care. They were only lying to get something out of you. If you appear to be disinterested in them, then you are not good narcissistic supply. If you appear to be sick then you are also not good narcissistic supply.

They reduced you to an object, a property they are entitled to, a tool to be used. There is no emotion like kindness or compassion.

All interacting with will do is get you ending up being used again, or being hurt again when you see how there is absolutely no compassion for you at all. You will only be retraumatized by their lack of humanity. You will get hit in the face with all the lies they told you in the past and the false promises of a future with them.

Do what I say, not what I do…..

I made a mistake to respond to him. It only hurt me. But at least I did not let him manipulate me into working for him. If I had taken a phone call from him, he would have had a better chance to get my sympathy by crying and telling me how the business is crashing and I am the only one who can save it.

These were only games before. I have heard the You are the Only one who can save me before. Then I was replaced by others who he said were better than me at this and that. He suddenly criticized and demeaned my work that was previously amazing.

Lest we forget….narcissists  are all about the games,,,they will beat you if you play.

Why?

Because it is their  game and they have played it a lot longer than you have. They know they rules and they make up new rules as they go along.

They will always win because they have no feelings like the ones you have of compassion, guilt, remorse. They can do things and not carry remorse for them. How can you compete with that.

Just do not play. Trust me.

Self Isolating During Depression

self isoalting

Seek Compassion from People Who Have Empathy for You

compassion

Reading Random Various Blogs for Inspiration

GentleKindness

I was reading through random blogs today and enjoying hearing other people’s ideas. I came across one particular blog and there were some very interesting ideas that spoke to me.

The main thing I am thinking right now, that I want to share with you, is the value of reading other people’s blogs. Not just other blogs, but blogs that are outside of your usual routine.

Every now and then, just type some tags in and see what pops up. Read some random blogs that you know nothing about. Even type in a tag that you would normally not type in. There are actually a lot of interesting things that come up when you type in the tag  “blogging”

Tonight I was looking at various blogs and I came across this young man’s blog about his struggle with mental illness. I really likes the way he described things. There was…

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Annie …on writing…

GentleKindness

Writers can touch the humanity of their readers.

Humanity is Messy, Lonely, Complex, Sad, Magical, Mystical, Beautiful, Sensual and Deeply Poetic

As a writer, be as human as you are. As a human, pour your inner longing into your writing.

Writing is the naked task of bearing your soul for all to see…Pouring out your heart for all to feel…Allowing elements of your own perceptions to be perceived by another person’s mind and sent into the universe.

It is not for the faint of heart. True, meaningful, writing is for the courageous of spirit and mind.

If you are feeling fear, then it is fear that  should be spilled upon the pages.

 If you are feeling passion, that passion should ignite a spark that could set your pages ablaze !

If you are feeling sad, then let the pages of your writing catch your tears.

Writing that comes from…

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Where are You, Soul Mate ?

Soul mate

Where are you?

Are you in my home town?

Are you in New York?

Are you in California?

Are you old or are you young?

Are you looking for me?

or are you done?

Are you black or are you white?

Are you Into video games….

Or having sex all night 

Maybe you are far away

In England or in France

Maybe you are just next door

But tell me, what’s the chance?

I think that there are many of you

Some nearer and some far

That makes the chance much better

That I’ll find out where you are

Doesn’t that make more sense

Than to think there’s only one?

That makes a lot of pressure on my brain

and that pressure is no fun  

Maybe I’ll find all of you

and pencil you all in

Would I be such a angel?

Or would that be a sin?

LOL 🙂

Annie has so many voices in her head…Can each voice have one soul mate?  Would that be polygamy? Would that be angelic , sinful , or psychotic? The voices say they want all the men … haha . No, they don’t . I am just kidding. ….or am I? ……………..mmmmmm……….

Soul Mates

I ended up in a conversation a couple of weeks ago about the possibility of the existence of one soul mate for each person. Personally  this concept does not make sense in the way that people usually mean it.

But I do believe that I have been with  soul mates of mine, twice in my life. They were people that saw me for who I truly was and understood my intent behind things. They got to know me very well and could usually predict how things would make me feel. They were there for me when and in the way I needed them to be. They were each of them, my best friend, at the time I was with them.

The concept of a soul mate is usually that there is one true perfect match for each person. No other person other than the soul mate could be the right one for you.

If there is one soul mate on the entire earth, then what are the chances you would ever run into them? What are the chances they even live in your country, never mind your city? If there is only one match per person, I would say we are all doomed to me lonely forever.

But what if there are many possible soul mates for each of us? I am not saying that there are 200 guys in your town that would be a great match for you. But there is probably one in France, one in Alaska, one in California and one in your state somewhere, maybe….or maybe not. Maybe they are farther away.

Before the internet, people married their high school sweethearts. Being that I work with elderly people, I have run into many old people that did , in fact , marry their high school sweetheart or at least someone from their city or town.

People did not have the ability to search high and low, all over the country for a mate.  There was no Match,com or E-Harmony,com or Dharma Match,com They did not have social media and al this  stuff.

If their soul mate was not right nearby, then they would likely never meet them. This whole way of meeting people that live in other states, across the country around the world,, is all new.  There have been many  more matches made between local people over all the years people have been dating, than there have been online matches.

So where does that leave us, with the question? If there is only one soul mate per person, how does it make any sense that they have been finding each other all these many years? Is this the only generation that has been able to find their soul mates, due to the social media?

Even the internet dating is a long shot! Do you know how many dating sites there are? Everyone does not even use them. How could you end up finding this one person? (on a side note…Dharma Match is a good one)

The high school sweetheart stories I have heard, often had happy endings. The old people I talk to tell me that they liked this person, they thought they were handsome or pretty and they decided to make it work.  They decided to make it work by deciding to love each other and respect each other. They turned each other into their soul mate, with an intent to do so.

Let’s say you have been looking for a match in your town and suddenly you have to move to another state for a better job…Are you now doomed to not find your match? Was he in your home town and now you have left him?

No, come on. There is surely someone that you can have a soul mate match with, in the new city. It is more of matter of the intent of both people. If you find someone who you like to be with, they listen to you and understand you, they laugh and cry with you…Then I think it is possible that you can connect with them It matters what the intent is in their heart and in yours.

Relationships  are built. They are built with friendship. They are built on trust and having each other’s back. They are built on reliability, compassion and kindness and understanding.  There are likely to be multiple people around the world that you could build a relationship with and feel like soul mates with each other.

It is a matter of intent and creation. You create the relationship together over time.

have fun on your adventure. I do not believe “the ends justifies the means”.  Quality of life and quality of character is all about the  “means”. It is what you do along the path that truly matters.

Namaste,

Annie

Good Morning

good morning

Upside Down and Sideways Poem

visual poem

Music

Hi. You all should check out the artwork of Robert Goldstein.

He has lots of great pieces. I chose this one to reblog but it was hard to pick one. Being a musician who plays the instruments in this painting, I thought I would choose this one.

Pop on over to Robert Goldstein’s blog to see his other work. You will be glad you did.

Annie ❤

Art by Rob Goldstein

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