codependence, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health

People Pleaser Tendency to Reason with the Unreasonable

If someone has consistently shown you that they do not have a desire to care about how you feel, then stop expecting to find kindness and caring from them.

They may not want to care about your feelings. They may not have the capacity to empathize with you. Either way, you cannot force people or convert people to the side of kindness and compassion.

If someone never listens to your thoughts and feelings then they possibly never will. Communication goes two directions. If you always listen to their side, and they never listen to your side, then see it for what it is.

If your communication is consistently not being heard, no matter what the circumstance, then most likely this person has no intention to hear you.

Holding onto beliefs that you can “make them” care about you, is not productive. Find alternative ways to deal with conflicts and situations with them.

Evaluate what they do with information you give them. What has happened in the past, when you explained your reasons, and your thoughts to them?

Do they end up using it against you?

Do they completely disregard it?

Do they hear and remember what you say?

Do they claim later on, not to remember what you said?

Do they make fun of what you say and belittle you?

Do they laugh at you?

Do they become angry when you present your side of a situation?

Do they give you equal time to explain yourself or do they cut you off?

Do they bring other people, who seem inappropriate, into your conversations?

Look at the history and make observations in present time. See if they are the same way with other people.

Learn what their usual tactics are, in order to get their way.

Observe their responses to situations where you or others try to stand up for an opposing or alternative opinion.

Making these observations will help you to learn things about this person’s behavior, attitude and patterns.

Often people that are rigid, unbending, and always right, have observable, predictable response patterns.

If you can learn this about them, then you can use it in order to find ways to deal with their rigidity.

You have to work around people sometimes. Most importantly you have to protect your mental state and not allow people to cross into your emotional boundaries.

You cannot make them care. You cannot logically or rationally convince them that they should care about the feelings of others, or your feelings in particular.

But you may notice that you have been doing things to put yourself in their line of fire. You are giving them the advantage, by assuming that deep down they are really a caring person.

The more you believe that an uncompassionate person really wants to care , the more advantage they have over you.

Not only that. They are probably fully aware that you want them to care and that you believe they want to.

There are people that will use your kind beliefs about them really being a caring person inside, against you in situations.

Observe people like this with an objective, scientific like mindset. Take notes on each situation and how they respond.

If you are dealing with a rigid person that never has empathy, then you need to know their response patterns. It should not blindside you, when they respond with a completely narcissistic attitude.

Dealing with these kinds of people can be stressful and crush your self esteem and feelings of self worth.

Situations where people like this are harmful to you are: as bosses, supervisors, neighbors, therapists, doctors, landlords and other positions where they can affect you.

Intimate relationships with anyone who has no empathy or compassion for you are even more dangerous.

People will not always believe what you have experienced with someone who lacks compassion. You cannot always get your opinions and observations about them validated.

Also be careful talking about this person to others.

You do not know who they have manipulated into doing what, including reporting what you say about them.

That is why it will help you to take personal notes. Write down what you said and exactly what they said in response.

If you are on the phone, you can do this with a pen and paper during the conversation. If the interaction is in person, then take notes when you have privacy to write them

Keep your notes as “word for word” as possible. Do not change their wording to what you think they must have meant.

The exact wordings will help you later on, when you look over lots of interactions on paper. You can find inconsistencies and gaslighting tactics this way.

There are compassionate people, but all people are not compassionate. There are people who care about what happens to you and there are people who never will.

Your Peace of Mind matters,

6 thoughts on “People Pleaser Tendency to Reason with the Unreasonable”

  1. Many of the questions listed at the beginning of this post are things my mother does. 😦 I really appreciate all your writing about these subjects, it is making me feel more secure in the belief that I am not crazy, and that my mother really is doing something wrong. Even if I can’t fix it (as I clearly can’t) at least I know that it isn’t something I have done – I know it is her own flawed view of the world and of me.
    Thanks again,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so happy to get your comment. Yes I do think your mother is being unreasonable and abusive. I can tell from how you are feeling about yourself and the fact that your reality is in question.
      One of the worst things that toxic people do is to interfere with our reality and make us feel like we are the crazy one.

      They also are very good at making other people see them as the victim and see us as the cause of the problems. No one will believe you, once the narcissistic person gets to them first. They are great at acting like the victim.

      I am giving free coaching for the next couple of weeks. You can see at the top of this site that there is a Free Coaching button to click.

      i can do it all by email for people that are not comfortable on the phone or skype. Or I can start by emails and then do some phone or skype. I have one client at this time and room for another.

      If you want to email me and talk about this problem with your mother please do so.

      I am working on some techniques of coaching and practicing the art of individualizing workable plans for people. I am very focused on listening and then finding ways to help you build self esteem and establish your reality as the real one.

      You do not have to. but email me if you want to try some emailing. Otherwise feel free to talk to me in the comments sections any time 🙂

      Annie ❤


  2. This hit close to home for me. I am going through a very rough and confusing time in my life right now. I have become aware that I have been emotionally abused by some people in my life. Thank you for sharing. 🙂


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