anxiety, c-ptsd, depression, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness

Fear of Abandonment

Many people who came from mentally abusive childhoods have a severe fear that people will abandon them. They carry toxic shame from their childhood that they are the cause of the abuse which occurred and deserved what happened to them.

People who experienced years and years of various kinds of emotional abuse and / or trauma  during their childhood often develop C-PTSD. This is complex post traumatic stress disorder. There were so many incidents of stress, feelings of threat and no ability to get any help, that the mental trauma just kept piling on and on.

Children have no way to know that they are being abused. If they are punished for “being bad” then they believe they must have been bad. How can you know any different?

If you were made to feel your parents’ divorce was your fault or that your parent’s drinking was your fault, then there is a feeling of shame that is carried with you into adulthood.

If a parent abandoned you as a child, then you had no way to know that it was not your fault. You were made to feel worthless and unloveable.

All kinds of varieties of childhood stress, trauma and mental abuse piled on top of one another causes the child to feel like they are very different than other people. There is a constant nagging feeling that there is something about them that makes people want to punish them and leave them.

If you are carrying this kind of toxic shame then you will have the feeling that people will eventually realize that you are bad and not want to stay with you. This is fear of abandonment.

In my opinion,  is possible to develop borderline personality disorder from this kind of ongoing abuse. It is possible to develop bipolar disorder if your moods were constantly affected by a mood dis-regulated parent. There are a variety of mental disorders, including depressive disorders and anxiety disorders that can come out of chronic stress and a feeling of of being safe as a child.

If you feel that you have the signs of one or more of these disorders, there is treatment for them. The mental health system is not as good some places as other places though. Hopefully you live somewhere that you can get the help that will work for you. It is good if you realize that some of your anxiety and fears are based on things that happened during your childhood.

If the therapist is trained in dealing with people that have C-PTSD from childhood abuse then they will understand better how to help you. Unfortunately the current manual that therapists use (the DSM) does not recognize C-PTSD as a disorder. Hopefully that will change in the future, but for now it is best to find someone that personally feels that C-PTSD is a legitimate disorder from ongoing childhood emotional and mental trauma.

It is not surprising for someone to have a fear that people will leave them, if their early experiences were that people leave, people fail to take care of you, people do not love you, people show their love by abusing you, and all of the other traumas which may have happened to you.

The severe fear of abandonment can cause many problems in adult relationships.

It is hard to trust people. It is hard to have a good perception about your value and your self worth. It is just hard to feel like a normal person that should be loved.

Some people that develop borderline personality disorder become so afraid that their partner will leave them that they will unconsciously cause damage to the relationship so that it will cause the other person to leave. Then when the other person leaves, this confirms their reality that people are not to be trusted to love them enough to stay or that they are not good enough for people to love them.

The reality that a person is taught is hard to change. The brain sees reality the way is was taught to see it. The process of changing your entire perception of yourself and of reality itself is a huge process that takes time. It cannot be done overnight and usually cannot be done without help.

The reality is that you are worthy of love. You are valuable. You did not deserve to be abused as a child and you were worthy of being loved unconditionally.

The other thing that can occur with people who fear abandonment is that they will develop People Pleaser Syndrome and go overboard about pleasing other people. There is a fear of making people angry, or disagreeing with people because in the reality of the C-PTSD suffered,  the displeased person may punish them or leave them, simply for expressing a difference in opinion.

Reality is a tricky thing. People do not see reality the same way. The reality of life for an abused child is very different from others. The reality of a person that grew up with an alcoholic parent is that there is always a threat looming just around the corner. Things can seem fine but the adult child of an alcoholic feels like it is the silence before the storm and there is an explosion or a catastrophe about to occur.

This constant anxiety causes stress in the body that is unhealthy. It causes the brain to be on alert for danger too often. Clearly this kind of condition makes relationships very stressful for the person with C-PTSD.

If this is you, and you feel fearful of people leaving you, then you are not alone. There may be a disorder which was inflicted upon you during developmental stages of your childhood. When you were supposed to be learning that people will care for you, that is not what you learned. Your brain was taught that it should always be on the look out, in order to protect itself.

Be kind and gentle with yourself.

I like the Ajahn Brahm talks on youtube, when he talks about being gentle with yourself. If you can be gentle and forgiving of others, why not with yourself. The less you judge and punish yourself, the better you will be able to work things out in relationships.

If you feel like there is something wrong with you, then just understand that you were abused and something caused you to feel that way. It is not real. You are not less worthy than other people.

You are ok the way you are, with the exception of needing healing. You have just as much right to love and kindness as anyone else.

10 thoughts on “Fear of Abandonment”

    1. Thank you. It takes quite a bit of proactive re-wiring of the brain to overcome these things.

      The neurons in the brain can be rewired. I have been studying methods and am still looking for more ways to do this.

      I have found some things that seem to be working with some of the Life Coaching clients that I have.

      Annie

      Liked by 1 person

    1. There are many things that abusive parents can do to cause us to end up with an extreme fear of being left and also a fear of being alone. If your own brain talks all the time and sends messages of fear to you then you will not want to be alone with your own thoughts. Sometimes this can make us go with someone or stay with someone who is not the right one for us….it is just to have someone else there,,,so that we do not have to listen to our own thoughts scaring us.

      If one parent was left the house, or was emotionally unavailable to us then that is another situation that can cause fear of abandonment. We did not have the feeling of emotional safety and emotional comfort that children need for proper development.

      But the biggest reason. in my experience with myself and others, is that there is a tremendous feeling in our subconscious that we are not worthy of love …or that people cannot understand us well enough to see that we are worthy of ;love.

      We have to actually re wire our brains to begin to see things differently because the feelings of fear can dominate our decisions.

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I think I will write another post about this topic. It seems to be something that a lot of the readers are relating to. I have lots of likes on this one. It is good to begin to identify what is going on in our brains and then tell our brains “NO. I am in charge of you. You are my brain and I am the BOSS !” LOL I know it sounds silly but it is true 🙂

      Much love,
      Annie ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. In my situation, both parents were emotionally unavailable. I took care of myself at a young age because they were unable to provide a babysitter for myself. It was extremely scary being alone in a house all by myself. I remember I cried for a week or so everyday because I would walk home from school to an empty house. I would purposely stay at school awhile longer to prolong the stay. The love I definitely have trouble with us both parents did not express their emotions. For them love meant provide shelter and food. The verbal and mental abuse was added on by my mother. Which in effect caused to think I would never be attractive enough, desired, wanted, etc. I still have trouble with fear. I battle fear on a daily basis.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I understand. Our brains are not designed to be in ongoing stress situations where we feel threat of our own safety. It causes us to grow up with post traumatic stress or C-PTSD Complex post traumatic stress disorder. That is why your brain will not turn off the frontal cortex which keeps searching your environment for threats.

      I will talk to you again. 🙂
      Annie ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    3. Narcissistic parents do not see their children the same way other people do. Their children belong to them like property. They feel entitled to treat them any way they want to. To use them for their own devices.

      They make pull the child into their false reality. They cause the children to feel that they are responsible for the feelings of the parent. They want the child to be easy to manipulate and control. They make you feel like it is your fault when they feel bad.

      Then you learn to focus on the feelings of other people and ignore your own feelings and thoughts.

      This is a really excellent video. You should watch this one..

      Like

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