Should you be Asking “How can I Get my Narcissist Back?” – Going Back with an Abusive Partner

I frequently check my statistics page and it tells me what search terms landed people on my blog. I was sad and concerned to see that one of the search terms was “How to get a Narcissist Back”

If you are considering getting your narcissist back or you know someone who is… please note the following truths. It is very hard to know the truth. In fact coming to terms with the truth is one of the hardest parts of overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Going No Contact is hard for all of us. Β Many of us have been through it and others are still suffering with the chemical addiction and the nightmares from narcissistic abuse.

There are factors that contribute to the difficulty of a break up with a narcissist that are above and beyond normal break-up suffering. There are chemical reactions and reactive behavior to the sympathetic nervous system that make going NO Contact torturous.

You will feel lonely and you will go through tremendous emotional pain. This is all in addition to mental pain and confusion that comes from having your reality manipulated. There can be a brain fog and even feelings of depersonalization and derealization.

You may feel lost and that you can not find a way to go on without them. You will remember the “nice” things they did for you and your memories will trick you into thinking this was real.

Here is a list of reasons why you should hang on and hold your No Contact position. Have faith that the addiction will calm down with time. I know the feelings are like going through a drug withdrawal and it seems like it will go on forever. But it doesn’t.

Here is the list I came up with. If anyone has additions that I have not thought of, please leave them in the comments section here.

  1. Any “nice” things the narcissist did for you was to manipulate you.
  2. They did not love you.
  3. They lied……all the time.
  4. If they were showing any signs of violence, the violence will only get worse if you go back with them because they will respect you even less and feel all powerful over you because they were allowed to abuse you and you still took them back.
  5. If they never showed any signs of violence they Β might this time. Abuse always escalates when you are on a second round with them.
  6. They do not deserve a second chance. You gave them many second chances while you were in the relationship with them.
  7. They were grooming their next target while you were with them and you did not know it.
  8. They had already decided when they were leaving you while they were still saying “I love you”
  9. If you have kids, they are in danger of psychological and possibly physical damage if you go back to the narcissist
  10. They will put you through the idealization phase all over again. You will fall for them harder and believe that they have changed. Then they will hit you harder than ever with the devaluation phase and the abuse.
  11. Narcissists tend to live a double life. It is likely that they will stay with their current victim and not tell you they are still with them.
  12. Your financial situation will be in danger. You could lose everything you own.
  13. Your reputation will be danger. They will launch a major smear campaign against you and you won’t know about it until it is too late.
  14. They will either deny you sex and make you feel cheep for wanting it or they will use you like a sex toy that is something they bought in the Adam and Eve catalogue
  15. You are not a person to the narcissist. You are just a prop, a tool and something for them to use and abuse
  16. You can have a better life without them and every time you take them back it will be more difficult to recover your life back
  17. There are people that are real and honest that would be good to you in a relationship
  18. You matter and your purpose in the world matters. Your skills and gifts are being wasted on the narcissist
  19. They are not helpless but they lie to get you to do everything for them any neglect your life.
  20. You will become less and less secure about who you are as a person . Your entire identity is at stake.
  21. They might be a psychopath and are far more dangerous than you know
  22. They are likely to have alternate identities that you know nothing about
  23. You could end up in court with them accusing you of abuse and you will be in such a bad mental state that the system is likely to prosecute you and side with the abuser
  24. You could become sick or disabled from abuse or other reasons and you would be at the mercy of the abuser to care for you
  25. You will be isolated from the people who love you and could help you
  26. You could become pregnant and your child would have an abusive father / You could get her pregnant and your child would have an abusive mother…and she would probably win the children in court
  27. You job , career and any future dreams will be in danger if being interfered with by the narcissist
  28. Your friends and family members will be in danger of abuse from the narcissist

Now we have 28…let’s see if you guys can add at least 2 more to the list. We need to warn people not to go back if they are searching this term. I intentionally used this search term in the title to this post so that it will come up when they search this.

Blessings,

Annie

14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. OLED PHAT nu glee
    Sep 13, 2015 @ 11:19:07

    I’m not fond of telling people what to do or not to do. You have done a wonderful job of laying out the reasons I would never go back. Hopefully they will read and make a wise choice for their life.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. jasminehoneyadams
    Sep 13, 2015 @ 12:15:54

    Reblogged this on How To Get Up From An All-Time Low? and commented:
    Should you be trying to get back with a narcissist? Oh hells to the NO! Look, guys, I know some people need a relationship dynamic where the other partner has all the control but there is a HUGE difference between a consenting power exchange relationship and narcissistic abuse. I will write an article outlining these differences very soon but it boils down to consent. If you have not consented (like, genuinely, not like, you got tricked into it – that’s not consent), then it is abuse, and you should be avoiding ANY abuser like the plague, no matter how they tell you they’ve changed. Abusers don’t change. They don’t take your concerns on board. And narcissistic abuse differs from a 24/7 total power exchange relationship because abusers don’t care about your wellbeing in any way shape or form. That’s why it’s called abuse.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  3. jennwasfrench
    Sep 13, 2015 @ 18:43:46

    Going back with the Narcissist: Any more time you spend with a Narcissist or in any abusive relationship will make you sicker and sicker: Adrenal fatigue, sleep deprivation, heightened cortisol levels all take a HUGE toll. I know for myself I have spent a lot of time feeling ill and not really knowing why. Also the last several years I spent with my abuser, I got sick ALL THE TIME…. I chalked it up to living with kids but now I believe my immune system was just shot from all of the stress. I have a long way to go to (hopefully) get my health and vitality back. God Willing. Great post Annie. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Sep 14, 2015 @ 10:05:51

      The same thing happened to me. My immune system crashed. I was never sick like that before. After the discard I was in the hospital for a week with a colitis infection and then a few weeks later I was back at the ER with a severe kidney infection. The doctors did not understand how someone my age could get 2 completely different life threatening infections in the same month.

      Like

      Reply

  4. Michele Anderson
    Sep 14, 2015 @ 01:31:33

    If the narcissist is a very close family member such as your grown child then I think whoever said this is right: “Some people are best loved from afar.”

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  5. lifeinashes1979
    Sep 15, 2015 @ 05:49:07

    One thing that I experienced as particularly damaging, I’ll write it in the form of a point on a list, like you did πŸ™‚ 29: “You’ll risk becoming re-traumatized by initial fake apologies from the N, to get you back, and then it turns inte complete invalidation from The N about the abuse and your grief, once you’ve been lured back in. This will break down your sense of reality.” (My narcissist did this all the time, once I went back he started saying well it was both of our faults and he wouldn’t have made fake promises if I hadn’t been so “pushy”. This made me doubt myself a lot, although I knew with in me that I HAD in fact been abused. It also made me utterly sad that his apologies turned out to be fake. It meant he actually didn’t have empathy for me, and he wasn’t sorry. This was unfathomable to me and made me relive all the old abuse and pain all over again).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Sep 15, 2015 @ 06:29:09

      That is a good one for number 29. You are right they will give you fake apologies and lie about why you broke up. They might blame you, claim they were sick or they were manipulated by someone else. They might shift the blame back onto you.

      Their apologies are more lies. It is very sad and will retraumatize you when you get your hopes up again and then have your heart broken and your self esteem crushed.
      This problem of narcissism is no joke. The more awareness the better. People need to know what they are walking into.

      So many people are trying to pick up the broken pieces of their lives after narcissistic abuse. It is difficult to recover from.
      Thank you so much for adding your points to the post for everyone.

      Blessings,
      Annie<3

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  6. positivagirl
    Sep 15, 2015 @ 19:45:29

    Thank you for visiting my site! Eugh, no don’t take them back. If you do, its just setting yourself up for the merry go round of more abuse, drama, and pointless mind games. Oh, yes this is a narc, well having to massage their ego, and never being able to fill up the empty void that is inside of them.

    Duh, they rattle on empty, and expect you to be the parent, and undo the damage that was done in childhood. Always needy, always wanting, but it will never be enough.

    Jeeze you couldn’t make them happy the first time round. Why go back for more the second time? Ps – the ‘happy’ that they were in the first instance, was just a ruse to lure you in. That part NEVER comes back x

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    • gentlekindness
      Sep 15, 2015 @ 21:45:36

      I cannot take care of any more babies that are disguised as grown men. I have done too many years of it and it has just left me in financial devastation. It is unfair to me and to my daughters to always go without things. I have to get back on my feet and be able to make enough money not to have to rely on other people.

      That is one of the biggest reasons women get stuck not being able to leave an abuser. They have no way to financially survive. You have to a place to live and gas money and food. I will never allow for anyone to cause me to be stuck like that again once I get back on my feet.
      Thank you for reading,
      Annie

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • positivagirl
        Sep 15, 2015 @ 21:55:45

        Omg don’t you think that they are like a ‘financial tap’ I would feel the pressure like the tap was turned on. I couldn’t turn it off, and he cost more and more and more. it didn’t stop. Yes, it is good that you have learned from the experience. It takes time, I know, it has taken me time. Sometimes I still wonder how far forward I actually am. But they are selfish people, only looking out for themselves, hacking into other peoples lives, finances, and even your persona, family friends, hobbies and interests. If it makes you feel better, at least you have the ability to rebuild, and to build a better life. On your OWN – he cant do this he needs someone else to live off.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. D.G.Kaye
    Sep 19, 2015 @ 02:45:47

    All valid reasons. They brought back a lot of memories about how my mother treated my father.

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