Life Coaching – When you Get a narcissist for a Client

When you are a Life Coach for victims of narcissistic psychopath abuse, most of the time you get clients who are broken and suffering from the effects of abuse. They are looking for validation and help to reduce the anxiety. The client wants to heal and be able to move forward with their life.

You assume before you get onto a Skype call that the person you will be talking to has been victimized and they are probably going to be a state of trauma. Depending in what stage they are in, there will be signs of psychological abuse, emotional / verbal abuse and cognitive interference.

But every now and then you get a client that does not exhibit any of the usual signs of abuse. You do not see any signs of trauma, C-PTSD, or narcissistic victim abuse syndrome.

The longer you talk to them the more you see that they are disinterested in healing. They are not only disinterested in healing. they are disinterested in considering that anything is wrong with them at all. The longer you are in the conversation the more you realize that they are dominating the entire conversation.

They do not feel that there is anything wrong with them. In fact they are perfect just the way they are and everything that is wrong with their lives has been caused by someone else.

The reason that people do not like them is the fault of the other people. There is nothing that could possible be doing that other people may be responding negatively to. Other people are to blame. In fact everyone in their life in actively trying to interfere with their life.

You try to interject a question or a comment here and there in order to slow down their incessant talking about how people have caused them to become angry and how people have caused them to treat others they way they do. They carry extreme anger towards everyone and everyone around them is against them.

At this point I pay attention to the pronoun density. This is how many times someone used the word “I” Β while they are talking. particularly where they could have easily used a different word.

They are talking as if they are on a stage. It is a monologue that sounds pretentious and grandios. I take my pencil and begin to make a tally of how many times they say “I” per minute.

If you are getting 15 to 20 “I” words per minute, then this should be a red flag to you. You may be dealing with a narcissist. Keep tallying for a few more minutes. You get 14 times per minute of them saying “I”. Then you get 17. Then you get 19.

The entire conversation is about how they are better than everyone else and how the people around them are plotting against them in order to ruin them. When you ask what reasons the people have to plot against them, there is no rational answer.

You ask them what they think all these people are getting out of undermining them and they have no answer. You ask them what particular tactics these people are using against them and they cannot answer you. But they are sure that the reason they are in a bad job, have no girlfriend, and are in bad health, is a direct result of these people undermining them.

You ask them what their goal is for the life coaching, so that you can help them with healing. But they are not interesting in healing. They have an ulterior motive for the Skype call. There is an agenda underneath that begins to show itself as you go along.

Dealing with a psychopath on the phone or Skype can be disconcerting. The good thing is that you can recognize them in a reasonable amount of time before they begin luring you in to their tactics. As they are claiming to be the victim of this abuse which they cannot give any real examples of, they are playing games with your mental state.

The best thing to do is to try to detach from any emotional feelings about things they say. Do not be emotionally manipulated by them. Think of this as practice for you, in order that you will be better prepared to teach others. Once they can begin to manipulate your emotions, they have a hook in you.

What is the agenda? Maybe they want you to make a video that will discredit their supposed abusers. Maybe they want to lure you into a sexual agenda. Keep in mind that if a client says something of a sexual nature and it makes you really uncomfortable then it was probably inappropriate.

If they talk about something sexual and it is not related to their abuse, then you should put up one red flag. Try to redirect the conversation onto a non-sexual topic. Preferable back to the abuse they say they experienced. If they refuse to allow you to redirect them and continue to talk about sexual things that are unrelated to their abuse, then you are being manipulated.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic psychopath for a client then you need to make the decisions that you need to make, in order to protect yourself. You can end the call if you need to. You can refund their payment.

Another option is to juts let them finish talking for the rest of the session and act disinterested in any topics that you feel are inappropriate to what the session is supposed to be for. Try to get them back on the topic of the session. Ask them what their goals are for the session.

If they refuse to discuss goals. or tell you what they set up the session for, or if the reason they give you is inappropriate then you can finish the session and then not schedule another one with them. You have every right to refuse a client based on the reason that you do not feel that your skills are suited to their particular goals.

Since they have no life coaching goals at all and are just playing games with you, then you can use this reason. Just email them that during the first session you felt that you were not a good match for them. You felt that their particular issues and their goals would be better met by another life coach.

Or you can tell them that their problems are out of your scope and you recommend that they see a mental health professional. Tell them that you are obligated not to take clients that seem to be out of your scope or what you can legally do as a life coach.

That’s it. If they do not accept your reasons or want to argue with them, that is very narcissistic and you have your final evidence that you are dealing with a narcissist. If someone was in a state of trauma from abuse, they would not be arguing with you about whether you should continue to keep them in order to discuss their sexual life or to help them find ways to destroy their targets.

A narcissist may use you to help them to conspire against their targets. The reason for this is that they know you are empathic and you have skills that they do not have. They can manipuate you into thinking you are being helpful be explaining to them how someone might be thinking and feeling and what they might respond to. Be very careful disussing the thoughts and feelings of other people during a session,

Remember you are there to discuss the thoughts and feelings of the client , not other people that you have not met. Do not them lure you into getting into the heads of other people. These people may be targets of theirs. I let someone do this to me once and I still feel bad that I helped him to manipulate other people.

I had no idea that he was using my skills and knowledge for evil and not for good. He told me he had good intentions towards the people and he needed my help because he did not understand how to talk to people. I ended up helping him lure people into situations that were not good for them.

You don’t want to go there, so be careful.

When you are working with a client, you need to have control to guide the conversation. You should allow them a safe space to talk and you should validate their experiences. This is the first step to healing from narcissistic abuse.

But if you feel that they are taking over the conversation and dominating over you in a pretentious way, then you might be dealing with a narcissist. Be careful and remember to protect your own psychological and spiritual state.

Remember someone saying “I I I I ” 20 times per minute is not really open to hearing any suggestions from you about ways they can change. Change is required to heal from narcissistic abuse. If someone thinks they are perfect then you cannot help them.

Blessings,

Annie gentlekindnesscoaching.com

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lovelimess
    Oct 23, 2015 @ 20:55:27

    So, this would be relevant to life coaches that are dealing with clients?
    And clients would be aware of the services they are seeking, correct?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Oct 24, 2015 @ 04:18:22

      I always have email correspondence with the client before I schedule anything. I try to find out a little about what their goals are, a little about the situation and what they are expecting from coaching. This way if someone would be better suited with a different kind of coach then I let them know that.

      Then I do a free 30 minute google chat with them in order to let them become familiar with my style and so we can begin to develop a rapport, so that they can decide whether they feel it is a good match for them.

      I hope this answers your question. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer you. Each person and each relationship is a little bit different but that is the way that I try to make sure that the client gets what they are paying for and does not end up mismatched.

      Sometimes if it is a narcissist you are dealing with then they will mislead you during the emails and sometimes during the free session also. Then when they get into session they change. Basically they tell you that they need to talk about an abusive situation where they are the victim but when you get into the first session they begin talking about their justification for abusing people, why they have the right to be violent with their partner etc.

      Like

      Reply

  2. threekidsandi
    Oct 24, 2015 @ 03:07:19

    Wow. So sorry that this happened to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Oct 24, 2015 @ 04:27:06

      Thank you. I think it is a good learning experience because when you are not expecting a narcissist in a scenario then they are harder to recognize. But at some point during this conversation the guy was talking about feeling justified to be violent…even with people who he did not know.
      Then there was some very inappropriate sexual talk which was not related to anything about a past of abuse. His examples of how he felt he was abused sounded like they were made up. They did not make any sense at all. Completely unrelated things like ….They broke their finger last week and it must be related to someone probably poisoning them when they were 3…just non sensical.

      They were trying to “teach me” how to make my YouTube channel better and tell what topics to cover in the vidoes. They wanted me to use their information for a video. I think they were trying to “get at ” someone by having me make the video so they could show them. They kept stressing that they “did not mind” how detailed from their information that I used in the video.,

      It was very creepy so I will not do any more sessions with them Mainly due to the sexual things. But there was also a lot of gross detailed information about health issues that was also inappropriate.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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