Happy Day After

Good morning and happy Day After Christmas. Some people feel disappointed that it is over, while others are relieved. Personally I feel relieved but also sad that I feel that way.

If I lived in my own place, Christmas could have felt more normal. I did the best I could to decorate my small part of the house as cheerfully as possible, for the sake of the kids, but it is not the same.

I feel constantly home sick for any place that I could have to myself with my daughters. I have never been one to like staying away from home. Now I have been living in this house with my ex in-laws for a few years and I have felt homesick and out of place the entire time.

It wears on you more and more over time. I feel like I am being sytematically broken down by their manipulation and undermining. The worst part of it is that it is invisible to others, including my older daughter who they have been able to pull towards their side.

The concept of “sides” is bizzarre in the framework of a supposedly “caring” family, I know. Even that part is invisible because they put on a whole facade when others come over, or when they talk about the family.

The truth is I am lost here and I feel forced to act like someone I am not. Other times I speak my mind and try to be authentic but that is always met with retaliaton.

I am homesick for anyplace where I can truly be alone when I want to be. Someplace where my things are my things, and not the property of someone else because those things happen to be under someone else’s roof.

You would think the 1,000 dollars I pay a month would qualify me to have solitude and peace in the space that I pay for. You would also think that a reasonable amount of repairs would be included with that.

As it is, the shower has been broken for years and the oven / stove is non existant. The paint is pealing and other things are broken or inadequate.

When I used to live with them rent free, several years ago, I was told that people who do not pay rent cannot expect the world. Apparently “the world” included a toilet seat that was not cracked and falling off.

I had some silly notion that the repair rules would change after I was paying rent but the money was not the root of the issue, even though it seemed that way.

It was the part about “not deserving” and “not expecting” and basically “not mentioning and not speaking up.” That was the message at that time and it is still the message.

There are people who see you as non deserving, and those people will never change. Your only hope is to choose not to believe them and try to move in.

If it were not for the extreme financial undermining by these people, I would have already moved on and never looked back. But they created a complex, tangled situation that will take all of my brains and energy to get myself out of.

Christmas here felt depressing but I dealt with the plasticity of it, for the sake of my kids. They did enjoy their cousinscousins, even though there is a limit to “childish” fun permitted in the house as well.

There is a dark presense, that is felt but not seen. It is a heavy cloud of despair and oppression. The effect can be psychlogically detrimental and mentally wearing.

Next year I will be someplace else. I will find a way to at least get myself and my younger daughter out.  I have to find home because I have lived with the sick feeling of homesickness longer than I can.

17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Army of Angels
    Dec 26, 2015 @ 13:24:23

    That’s a tough situation. I felt “homeless”, moving between my parents house and an apartment for two years while the divorce was in progress. I had sold my own home to marry and build a family with a man I loved….lost it all-everything….had to re-build from nothing. I pray that you build more and more of the world of peace, as you find the way out from under the ex in-laws. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Dec 27, 2015 @ 20:23:51

      Thank you. I am trying to find a plan to stablize my finances without them knowing my money situation has changed.
      If I make more money and they find out, they will find a way to disable me. It makes it trickier to have to make money without people you live with realizing you have that income.

      I could do life coaching and tell the people here I am volunteering and not being paid. I hate having to lie but I really have no choice. They will find a way to take any extra money I would try to save to move out.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  2. samlobos
    Dec 26, 2015 @ 17:11:07

    I hope you find your own place soon. Surely there are places where you’ll feel more welcome, especially if you are paying that much every month. I’m thinking that even renting from strangers would be more comfortable… Here’s to hope in a better year❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Dec 26, 2015 @ 20:34:13

      I wish I could be sure that I would get that 1000 in child support to put towards the rent someplace else. Now the child support goes to the rent. If I moved the chances are the child support would not be accessible to me to put towards a different place. There is more control going on than I can explain. It is very complex.

      My only way out is to be able make enough on my own to support myself and the kids. I have not been able to do that yet. There is a system in place that undermines my efforts to do so. I have not given up and I am still trying to be able to self generate enough to walk out and not need any child support, but it is very hard.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      • samlobos
        Dec 26, 2015 @ 23:34:31

        Well, I hope you make it out because it sounds like a toxic environment for you. Much love❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      • gentlekindness
        Dec 27, 2015 @ 20:19:34

        💕Thank you. I will make it out one way or another. I just want to be careful this time to be stable on my own this time.
        I have left or been thrown out of here several times over 20 years. When I have been talked into being partially dependent on my ex husband or on them, there is a way for them to knock the stool out from under my feet and force me back.

        I want to be more careful this time that they have no possible angle to undermine my stability in any way. Otherwise it is worse to leave and still be controlled and at risk for my finances being destroyed again.

        My credit is already ruined due to their tactics.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. christinadrh
    Dec 26, 2015 @ 17:46:33

    That sucks Annie, I will pray for your better living conditions because, get ready, YOU DESERVE TO LIVE IN A HAPPY HOME OF YOUR OWN MAKING! Also, start a “My New Home” file. Start actively planning what you will have in your new home. Go through magazines, clip pictures of items you would buy, stop in and take a look around at possible places for rent even if you are not ready yet, with a plan of sometime in 2016, it will make you feel you have an out and make it a reality. That sounds like a very uncomfortable and controlling situation, like you are being punished, ugh! They are projecting their own lack of deserving on you, hang in there, you are not who they see you as in their limited perception. xo, so glad the holidays are over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PS- I’m about 70% through the Pete Walker book, it’s amazing! Love it and learning so much new and useful info, a Godsend, it gets a huge thumbs up. Take care my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Dec 27, 2015 @ 21:03:17

      I like that idea of a My Home scrap book. I looked at some houses a while ago online and mentally walked through the pictures they showed of each room.

      I saved my favorite houses and emailed myself the links. I even looked at ones I knew I could not afford soon. It did give me some feeling of being able to kind of picture myself in a place of my own…but it was still kind of surreal.

      I was glad to hear you suggest looking online at houses for sale even though I could not afford it yet. I did not know if it were crazy that I had done that one day. I never went back to look again after the one time I did that but maybe I will now.

      The other thing you said I think , about going in person to walk through some places….I like that idea.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • christinadrh
        Dec 27, 2015 @ 21:28:18

        I’m so glad you did that! Yes, put your feet on the floor of some of these places and give the realtor or property manager your price, your real price and let them work for you. They always go with your max, plus, so give rock bottom and hopefully they won’t bug you unless they really have something that will work. It will make you feel like such a rebel with a secret! You go Annie! xo

        Like

  4. Naomi
    Dec 27, 2015 @ 13:47:12

    My heart breaks for you. I deeply know the pain your going threw. I hope things get better for you soon. I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.
    (((HUGS ♥♥♥)))

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. LaVancia Phoenix
    Dec 27, 2015 @ 18:51:46

    Prior to my psychosis, I had to live with my father for a while when he was still a preacher in a small town. I had my 3 year old son with us and eventually it came to the point that Dad made an ultimatum and said I had to be gone in two weeks. I considered moving into a woman’s shelter in the nearest large town. Have you checked into that possibility? I know most women’s shelters keep you safe and anonymous and well hidden from whoever has abused you. I will keep you in my heart and prayers. God does answer prayers and He hears the calling of our hearts weeping…May God bless you and your daughters this year…much love, LaVancia

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. raphaela99
    Dec 29, 2015 @ 05:16:19

    My heart goes out to you. I lived in a tiny, run-down cottage for 5 years. The neighbour was an older guy and extremely invasive. He would stand outside and watch me throughout the day. I felt as though I were under siege. I did put together a home book, and over time, visualized a lovely home, and believed I deserved it. The first place I looked at, I got! It is peaceful here, and I am amazed at what I endured in the other place. Keep believing, my friend. You will find a way out. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Dec 29, 2015 @ 08:25:30

      I like the idea of the home book. I will do that. Visualizing should help to make it come true. The law of attraction can work, if you focus on what you want.
      Thank you for your kindness,
      Annie

      Like

      Reply

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