Good morning and happy Day After Christmas. Some people feel disappointed that it is over, while others are relieved. Personally I feel relieved but also sad that I feel that way.
If I lived in my own place, Christmas could have felt more normal. I did the best I could to decorate my small part of the house as cheerfully as possible, for the sake of the kids, but it is not the same.
I feel constantly home sick for any place that I could have to myself with my daughters. I have never been one to like staying away from home. Now I have been living in this house with my ex in-laws for a few years and I have felt homesick and out of place the entire time.
It wears on you more and more over time. I feel like I am being sytematically broken down by their manipulation and undermining. The worst part of it is that it is invisible to others, including my older daughter who they have been able to pull towards their side.
The concept of “sides” is bizzarre in the framework of a supposedly “caring” family, I know. Even that part is invisible because they put on a whole facade when others come over, or when they talk about the family.
The truth is I am lost here and I feel forced to act like someone I am not. Other times I speak my mind and try to be authentic but that is always met with retaliaton.
I am homesick for anyplace where I can truly be alone when I want to be. Someplace where my things are my things, and not the property of someone else because those things happen to be under someone else’s roof.
You would think the 1,000 dollars I pay a month would qualify me to have solitude and peace in the space that I pay for. You would also think that a reasonable amount of repairs would be included with that.
As it is, the shower has been broken for years and the oven / stove is non existant. The paint is pealing and other things are broken or inadequate.
When I used to live with them rent free, several years ago, I was told that people who do not pay rent cannot expect the world. Apparently “the world” included a toilet seat that was not cracked and falling off.
I had some silly notion that the repair rules would change after I was paying rent but the money was not the root of the issue, even though it seemed that way.
It was the part about “not deserving” and “not expecting” and basically “not mentioning and not speaking up.” That was the message at that time and it is still the message.
There are people who see you as non deserving, and those people will never change. Your only hope is to choose not to believe them and try to move in.
If it were not for the extreme financial undermining by these people, I would have already moved on and never looked back. But they created a complex, tangled situation that will take all of my brains and energy to get myself out of.
Christmas here felt depressing but I dealt with the plasticity of it, for the sake of my kids. They did enjoy their cousinscousins, even though there is a limit to “childish” fun permitted in the house as well.
There is a dark presense, that is felt but not seen. It is a heavy cloud of despair and oppression. The effect can be psychlogically detrimental and mentally wearing.
Next year I will be someplace else. I will find a way to at least get myself and my younger daughter out. I have to find home because I have lived with the sick feeling of homesickness longer than I can.