Manipulators,Trolls and Narcissists and Harassment Online

I received the following message via Personal Messages , on one of the sites I post poetry on, called the Writer’s Cafe.  This is a great example of a few manipulative techniques that people use, to elicit an emotional response from you. 

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I am not saying this person is a narcissist, because this is the only communication I have ever had from them, and I do not have any other information or interactions with them.  (actually I have had more communication with them after I wrote this post…it just gets ruder)

 

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But it is such a perfect example of  manipulative tactics, that I wanted to break it down sentence by sentence for you, in order to teach you how to recognize when someone is doing this to you. 

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Here is the entire message…

In light of the message in your poem about not knowing the inner machinations and thoughts of one another, it did not surprise me to see that the illustration for each of your poems is a photo of you. I believe you are fighting for recognition and validation. Perhaps you have been denied this all of your life.

All I wish to say is that you have a gift. In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people say about you, or to you, when it comes to this gift.
Stop talking abut the superficial of Self. There is a depth in you that is never expressed. If you find it, you will be a great poet.
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The very first red flag to me personally. was the use of, and the way they used the word “machinations”
This is a very detached kind of, cerebral word, that indicates someone is analyzing something from a psychological. yet mechanical kind of viewpoint. Yet contradicts her later very personal comments about me. 
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I have only ever heard narcissists use this word, in the context of analyzing cognitive behavior in a non-empathetic manner. 
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So we start with the analytical style, which uses a narcissistic tactic….too much familiarity with a total stranger by choosing to analyze them   but beginning  by saying….
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“I cannot really analyze you because I do not know you well enough” and then turning around and doing exactly the thing that they said they would not do. 
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I have experienced this many times with narcissists. They will make a statement that they will..or will not…behave in a certain way because it would be wrong…and then proceed to act in the very way that they just told you they would not do. 
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Then if you question them about their behavior, they will go back to what they said. and deny what they actually did. 
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They will say “Oh no, I would never do that. Did I not tell you that I would not do that? Don’t you remember that I said I would not interfere in that relationship. because it is not my place, and I respect your right to have an adult relationship without my interfering….”  (That is just an example.)
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Then the communication said that they were “not surprised that each of the poem had an illustration of me” 
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Now, I am new to this particular site. I took a look at what other poets had put, as a small photo to go along with the poem. I saw that they use a photo of themselves because it is what shows up very small , at the side of the poem, when people read it. 
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So, this person saying “I am not surprised that you put an illustration  of yourself.” uses more than one manipulative tactic. 
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One of them is using the word “illustration” rather than the word “picture” .
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An illustration of you would be  a drawing of some kind.. If I had lots of drawings of myself, then I would have either drawn them myself or paid someone to draw them. That is implying covertly that I am very narcissistic and trying to get attention. Which is not true….but the person is trying to elicit an emotional reaction from me. 
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Now let us take this line of the message. Keep in mind this is a complete stranger to me, who is deciding to send me a Personal Message. 
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I believe you are fighting for recognition and validation. Perhaps you have been denied this all of your life.
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Now keep in mind that at the very beginning of their message. they said that they did not know me, therefore did not know my inner “machinations”  But now they are saying how they think I am struggling with needing validation and recognition. 
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They even suggest that they can know things about my entire life. This is all from reading one of my poems. which happened to have a picture of me, to show the reader who the author is.
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The picture shows up very very small in the upper corner of the poem. You can barely make it out unless you choose to enlarge it. It is not like  wordpress when you post  picture, and it is large on the post. This just a small photo of the author , very small in the corner. 
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Now here comes the underhanded complement. And then yet another contradiction. 
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All I wish to say is that you have a gift. In the end, it doesn’t matter what other people say about you, or to you, when it comes to this gift.
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Then , immediately after saying that it does not matter what other people think,…here comes a command….
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Stop talking abut the superficial of Self.
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So basically she has said...”Do what you want to do”.followed by ...
“Do what I tell you to do.”
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So this is a manipulative tactic of telling you that they respect your rights as an individual…and then manipulating you into doing what they tell you to do. So it does not matter what other people tell you…but it definitely matters what they tell you to do…because they are God.
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Then she closes with one more underhanded complement…
(again keep in mind, this is from her reading ONE poem I wrote, whcih by the way, is not lacking depth. It is also none of her business…
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There is a depth in you that is never expressed. If you find it, you will be a great poet.
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So this is supposed to sound like  complement , but also confuse the person that is receiving the complement. 
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It essentially says that  “You are not a great poet….but if you listen to me then you will be a great poet one day”
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This is clearly an insult but it is supposed to sound like concerned advice. ….Unsolicited advice !
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Now we also have the 
“there is a depth in you which is never expressed”
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This particular sentence probably bothers me the most. It is presupposing that she can know whether or not I express “MY DEPTH” in other writings, based on one poem.  She can tell all about me from reading one poem. She knows that I never express my “true inner self” and she has decided this from reading the following poem .
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Here is the real kicker. THIS is the poem which she is referring to, which apparently is superficial and lacking expression . It is apparently superficial. 
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This is a poem, which I described in the description, which recounts the times my ex abuser threw a glass plate at my head, because he did not like the sauce too thin. He was screaming at me that I did not make the spaghetti sauce the way he liked it. 
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Then he threw the plate at me. and made me crawl on the floor cleaning up the glass, as he stood over top of  me gloating. 
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So if this is “SUPERFICIAL” then I am not sure what to say about that.
My poem…the one she was referring to…..
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The Rules 

(A non-humorous short piece describing one of the many incidents I experienced in my past. This is an incident which other domestic abuse survivor’s should find familiar. When the abuser is displeased)

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The glass plate flew across the room

Crashing to the floor

Barely missing her head on the way

Spaghetti splattered all over the wall

Broken glass surrounding her bare feet

Two things he did not allow

her to do

Wear shoes in the kitchen

Or to make the pasta sauce too thick

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Other  messages have come from her, which get much more personal and have more blatant insults and also twist my words around. So I have blocked her now. I just wanted to show you the techniques that people use, so that you can deal with them, in case you run into this.

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Here are a few…

Me _ Anyway, I would love to be able to use other photos. I see the other people use them. I am just not sure how they get them, or how they pay for them. 

I would love to learn this. I think it would my wordpress blog and my poetry here, look so much better. 
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Her – I understand but you should perhaps know that unless a photo has a watermark and specific usage block, any photo in cyberspace is up for use, even photos of children, so be careful about social profiles as well.

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Me  – I have no social profiles that have any information about my children and I never use facebook because it is boring and a waste of my time

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Her – I see. Well that was not my point. My point was that you can use any photography you wish that does not specifically prohibit reproduction. 

It is decidedly not boring nor a waste of time to learn to find and use photos to highlight your poetry.

 

****If you notice her choice of the word  “decidedly” ..This is a “presupposition ” technique. It implies that this is not an opinion, as to what is boring, but actually has been  “decided. ”  By whom, I wonder.

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Also, I clearly stated that I was interested in learning about posting pictures. It was facebook that I referred to as boring to me. 

 ***by the way,the picture she uses is also of her…but it is a sexy pic of her lips licking her finger

 

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kelly
    Jan 08, 2016 @ 22:27:49

    Bravo. 👏🏻
    Brilliantly explained. Well done for disecting the words to reveal the truth.
    Loved this X

    Like

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Jan 08, 2016 @ 23:05:53

      When you get a communication like this, it will upset and confuse you, unless you take it apart line by line. That is why it is very effective in person. more than in writing. In person. they just keep twisting things around and it is very hard to keep up. I usually have to disect it later. Then I see the contradictions and bull shit in the communication.

      I had an incident yesterday like this. I was explaining that someone had gotten into my face very aggressively. This person told the person that I was talking to the following….
      Annie had no sense of space and she has bad spatial relations.
      Annie cannot tell if someone is close to her face because she has a bad sense of direction
      She turns right out of the house,because she cannot judge the car speed to turn left.
      She once had a painting and she could see depth in the picture like it was 3 dimensional. I could only see it as flat, But Annie is creative so she sees the depth in the painting.
      SO she cannot tell if someone is close to her…or in her face.,,because she sees everything as flat.

      Like

      Reply

      • gentlekindness
        Jan 08, 2016 @ 23:07:21

        As you can see none of that makes any sense. Especially that I see depth in artwork that he does not see…therefore I see the world as flat.
        These were his examples to prove that I did not know when someone was aggressive and had gotten to 2 inches from my nose yelling at me

        Like

  2. survivednarc
    Jan 08, 2016 @ 23:15:01

    This sounds very strange indeed in the way you explain it… maybe best that you blocked her.. it can never be good when people who are strangers, really start bossing you around.. sometimes people can give some good advice or a bit hard truth, but that doesn’t really seem to be what she was doing at all… I, like you, find her way of talking very manipulative. Am so glad you have such a good instinct for discovering red flags and sharing it here. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. christinadrh
    Jan 09, 2016 @ 00:07:53

    Excellent catch Annie! And, WTF?? Her comment makes me uncomfortable. She puts herself above you into an advisory position and the poem was pretty freakin’ clear as to what it described. It actually didn’t require an in depth feeling because it was like I was an observer watching this a-hole get upset over the consistency of his sauce, which by the way, whatever remained in the pot should have been thrown in his arrogant face and the rest saved for your comment person. This was a good post. I noted that I felt her aggression right off the bat. Trust the gut. What a creep. Kudos to you! But always, they are sicker than we are smart. It doesn’t mean we can’t catch them though. Good job. And, NOTHING wrong with posting a pic of yourself, especially when compared with her finger lickin’ good slutty post of herself. Ha! So many creeps out and about. Well done my friend and xlent poem as well, screw her.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. Bushka
    Jan 09, 2016 @ 11:47:21

    Critics come in all shapes, forms, guises etc…etc…More often than not, such folks as your ‘correspondent’ tell the more informed (analyst) a great deal about themselves. Your correspondent certainly does. 😉 Hugs!

    Like

    Reply

  5. Mary Cathleen Clark
    Jan 09, 2016 @ 14:37:54

    I would have been stunned to receive such a comment. You did well to pick it apart, see it for what it was, and not be upset. Awhile back, I was gifted with a scathing, rambling review of a book of short stories I published (under another name) on Amazon. It took a friend to point out that the reviewer was talking a lot more about himself than my stories. Reading your post and dissection, I now think he was a narcissist.

    Like

    Reply

  6. Linda Lee
    Jan 09, 2016 @ 15:26:11

    Before I read your poem, I thought the woman’s critique was pompous, snotty, and condescending. Know-it-alls can be so irritating. I usually try to ignore people like that, though, because I assume they are trying to compensate for a feeling of inferiority. To me, people who try so hard to appear deep and intellectual are to be pitied.

    But then I read the poem that this woman had so coldly picked apart, and I went from feeling irritation and pity for the critic, to being outraged.

    What. The. H????

    I can’t begin to fathom what would motivate a person to respond to your poem in this way…. unless SHE has treated someone the way your former abuser treated you.

    I have been there. I have been the young woman being abused by a physically much stronger, bigger “man” because something I cooked didn’t turn out the way he liked it. I have been screamed at, had things thrown at me, been slapped, punched, slammed into a wall, knocked to the floor, and kicked, for reasons like undercooking the beans or because the steak I grilled was too tough. This abuse happened many, countless times in my first marriage.

    I was 16 when I married that monster, and 19 when I finally took my child and ran. Today I am in my sixties and I still hate to cook, because of the trauma done to me almost five decades ago. The pain of being controlled and abused to that degree, by an intimate partner especially, runs very deep. And it never completely goes away.

    What kind of a person could be so heartless as to respond to your painful, poignant verse in such a pompous assed way? Arrgh, it makes my blood boil.

    I’m sorry you went through that. First with your ex abuser, and now with heartless Miss know-it-all.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Jan 10, 2016 @ 10:41:22

      Thank you very much for sharing that. I think some people on the internet like to troll blogs to find certain kinds of people to attack. You may be right about your guess that she is abusive. For all we know it is not a woman at all….it could be a man using a female picture and name. The really weird thing is that she uses a picture of her also…unless it is a fake picture. Her picture shows just her lips and her finger posed in a sensual, come-hither, sort of a gesture. It is weird that she said my pictures were like I was looking for validation , when hers is so sexual…Isn’t hers trying to get attention?

      I read your story twice. I am so sorry you had to experience that darkness at such a young age. You should have been protected from that. I have a daughter who is 19, and I would hate to see that happen to her. These psychopaths are so dark. There is a darkness in them that no one understands, unless you slept with it in your bed.

      They have such contempt for their victims and with no reason. The victims of these people are usually catering to their every whim, just to keep them happy. I believe that you still hate cooking. I am still kind of afraid to use my coffee maker, because the psychopath I lived with would get so angry if I touched the coffee maker, even thought I bought it. He did not pay any of the bills, but ruled the objects and appliances in the house, like they were his and I had no right to touch them.

      I moved out 3 years ago, and I did not make coffee until a few months ago. My daughter would make coffee and I would drink some, but I was afraid to touch the machine. I slept in my clothes for months. I was afraid to take them off or sleep in pajamas. The last few months I lived with him, I slept on the couch with my clothes on. I was afraid to take a shower because I did not want to remove my clothes in the house.

      I still put off taking a shower because I feel uncomfortable taking off my clothes in the locked bathroom. I had to move in with my ex in laws(not from the guy I was talking about before) because they did things to undermine my financial situation. I hate living here. Things go on here that are very wrong but we are all supposed to act like everything is normal.

      They have been undermining me for years, so that they can control my children. As soon as I start to get on my feet, they find a way to crush me. I have been trying to get away for years and years. Now I am trying to make money that they know nothing about. I never talk about my business to them. If they think I am making any more money, then they will raise my rent again or decide I owe them. They will threaten to throw me out or take my car away.

      These narcissists are so evil. I do not care what these people say on the internet about the codependents and the narcissist being the same. It is bullshit.
      Please check out this video. I talk about this new trend of videos about how narcissists are not really so different from codependents. I aplologize ahead of time for the glare on my glasses. I did not know these new glasses were that bad until I had already made the video.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Linda Lee
        Jan 10, 2016 @ 15:55:59

        Your reply has moved me so deeply. I have much I want to say but… my tablet battery is down to 8% and I need to get ready for church, so it will have to wait. Also, thanks for the reblog! ((((HUG))))

        Liked by 1 person

    • gentlekindness
      Jan 10, 2016 @ 21:32:49

      I understand your battery is running low. It happens to me at the most imconvenient times.
      Feel free to email me if you have anything you do not want to post publicly in the comments here.

      I check my email several times a day, every day. Just let me know who you are in case I do not recognize you from the email address.

      Michelemimimish@gmail.com

      Annie (michele)

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. helentastic67
    Jan 10, 2016 @ 09:20:12

    To be blunt:what a dick! Not you of course. And I think it’s natural to feel the need to be validated. We all do, don’t we? And seriously, you unpacked that all so very well. Keep up the Good work!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • gentlekindness
      Jan 10, 2016 @ 09:39:28

      Thank you for your feelings about this. I am glad it was not just me that thought the comment was meant to provoke some kind of reaction for them to feed off of.
      Wishing you peace,
      Annie

      Like

      Reply

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