Living with a pathological narcissist means being forced into giving up your own identity, dreams, rights, and opinions. They are always right, , and anything you do that seems like you are trying to be an equal, will be shut down.
It is difficult for people who have not lived under the heavy weight, of the dark shadow, of a pathological narcissist to understand.
People will tell you that all you have to do is stand up to them, and assert your boundaries. But if you have lived with one of ….”the people that have no conscience” … then you know that the consequences that follow any attempt to assert your individuality, are met with severe punishment.
The malignant narcissist knows the weaknesses of their victim. If you love your children, they will threaten them, or turn them against you.
If you need your car to get to work, they will remove your car and refuse to return it until you submit. If you have friends, they will manipulate them, lie to them and ruin your relationships.
If you are seriously ill, they will tell people you are faking being sick to get out of seeing them. They will “accidentally” run into your employer and tell them you are pretending to be sick in order to get time off from work.
If you are struggling financially, due to repeated undermining behaviors by the narcissist, they will tell others how much they have helped you financially, and how ungrateful you are behaving to them.
If they humiliate you be spreading personal information they spied through your computer to discover, they will make it clear to you that they have more dirt on you. ….. Comply or suffer.
They will convince you to quit your job and then shame you. They will offer for you to move in with them, saying they need you there, only to send out Christmas card letters telling everyone how much you are imposing on them.
When you attempt to get a job, or start a business, to make enough money to move out, they will undermine you at every turn. …steal your keys and take your car out for an oil change, when you need to get to work.
When you complain that they took your car when you needed to get to work, they will tell you that since they are now helping with the maintenance of the vehicle ( the one oil change that it did not need, and you did not ask for) that the title to the car should actually be in their name… It’s only fair, right?
When you have a business appointment that you have to get to on time, they will block your car in with theirs, so you cannot get out.
When you ask them to move their car, they will demand all the information about your business, so that they can further undermine you.
When you get a pet for comfort, they steal the supplies you bought for it, and put them where you cannot reach them. Then they nail the cage to a table in their yard, so that you cannot take it.
If you purchase any property, like furniture, they will insist it was always theirs. If it becomes damaged they will demand that you pay for it.
If you live with a psychopathic narcissist, they will break your appliances and scream at you for breaking them. You will go without a shower or a stove….even when you rent (which is unreasonanly high) has always been paid on time to them.
When you tell them that these things are legally required to be working, they will tell you they have other projects to finish in the house first, such as new wall paper in their bedroom.
If you use their shower and the pipe behind the wall leaks, they will tell you the water damage was caused by you not knowing how to use the shower curtain. When you show them the floor next to the shower is dry, they ignore you and continue to explain how to properly pull the shower curtain closed, so that you do not damage their house again.
When you ask the plumber, right in front of the narcissist, if water from the shower curtain not being pulled tight could send water pouring through two floors of celings, he laughs and says no. When you remind the narcissist of this conversation the next time they tell you there was water damage due to your not pulling the shower curtain closed, they deny the plumber was ever there.
When the therapist tells you to bring the narcissist to therapy with you, because the therapist feels that everyone can live in harmony once the therapist teaches everone proper techniques for communication, DON’T DO IT!
The narcissist is not unaware of methods for communication. Their methods are intentional and not accidental.
Make no mistake. The narcissist is in full control of their communication methods.
They are able to behave during the idealization (honermoon) phase. They are not confused as to why everyone is not getting along… or about why all the relationships around them are in chaos.
They divide and conquer, with a Machiavellian philosophy.
The ends jusitifies the means.
They say one thing to you, and the opposite to someone else. They deny saying things, manipulating you, and threatening you.
They will never admit what they do, or what they say to you behind closed doors. They deny reality to discredit you, turn people against you, and to create chaos so that they can be on top.
They intentionally use techniques of brainwashing and creating a … “shared psychosis”…in order to to scapegoat certain people. The family members who seem to want to hold onto their identity, and will not let the narcissist make them bow down to their greatness.
The narcissist will retaliate against you when you try to shed light on the truth. Their secret identity is hidden under the mask, and they hate you for knowing who they really are.
They will stop at nothing to destroy you, financially, socially, and physically. Their tactics will cause deterioration of your physical and mental health.
Why don’t people simply just stand up to the narcissist they are living with and assert themselves?
Because often times you have a better chance escaping them without severe damage, if you let them think they have control, while you are secretly filling your bank account and packing boxes that you hide in the closet.
The retaliation by a psychopathic narcissist is so severe it has driven many victims to suicide. Unless you have lived with them, you cannot imagine what they are capable of.
7 thoughts on “Standing up to Your Pathological Narcissist?”
And they always do it for a ‘good cause’, and because they’love’ you, and because you’re ‘guilty’, and they kindly wish to put you on the straight road 😛
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Oh yes! Great point you make. I get that “I just want to help you” crap all the time.
“Annie is always soooo difficult! She is the most difficult person in the house…that is why we have to just do things behind her back….like enroll her children in the “proper” schools. Because she just cant see that our way is better and we know better how to parent her children than she does”
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You’re just too wrong and bad to know what is good for you, huh? 😛
Yes. I’ve known much of what you’ve written -unfortunately- by experience.
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My ex in – laws want the children ( all their many grandchildren, including my 2 daughters) to be brainwashed into their ” cult” of the family. It is something I tried to deny for years.
Even my father pointed it out to me once but I refused to believe something so ominous.
The children are their pawns. My sister in law and I are the “baby makers” like appliances. They planned all along to extract our children from us once we had nurtured them to about age 5 or 6.
Then the children are expected to attend their home school run very strictly by my ex mother in law. Every text book is carefully chosen for its repetitive brainwashing.
Every subject taught incorporates the “suggestions” the mother in law wants programmed into their brains. The girls are taught differently from the boys because it is different programming… different text books.
The girls are taught to submit to the family first, then their church second and prepare to be a perfect wife to make the husband “the king” of tbe house. I am quoting that from one of the text books…..i did not make it up.
I have tried to fight against my children being brainwashed but so sadly I am losing….😓😢
I try to teach them myself and teach them to think for themselves and be independent. Make their own spiritual path.
I have been retailated against in very cruel ways. They are systematically destroying me and turning my kids against me by telling them lies.. Like I am inadequate to Homeschool them. Even though my degree was in teaching and my mother in laws degree was in spanish.
It has been years of them slowly brainwashing all of the children and breaking the daughter in laws.
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I’ve had relatives turn against me too, after I dared to speak up against him… It seems such people spend half their lives %$#$@% others, and the other half they try to convince they are something like messiahs.
I personaly don’t mind about what happened. And it’s been long, anyway. But if I was under his influence still, I would be a rag.
I wish you all be free from this too.
I was raised, then abused by a narcissist. I was raised to never trust anyone but him. Getting away was never an option, until I had my child. Then I knew there was no option. I can spot a narcissist a mile away… I stay clear of them. (I wrote a piece about the narcissist in my life today) Thanks for the post, it hit home!
Thank You dear for this eye opening information and recommendations! Wow! You did a great job because I get a good glimpse of what it is like through your expression. And, I’m sure others can too.