Abusive Relationships – Substandard Living Conditions

messy house

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Many cases of narcissistic abuse end up in the financial devastation of the victim. But long before the end of the relationship, some victims are living far below what is humane and healthy.

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Because the narcissist does not see you as an individual human being with rights and boundaries, your living conditions are often of no concern to them.

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Basic needs for healthcare, spending cash, healthy environment, and safe living environment are often refused by the narcissist. The victim lives behind closed doors is despicable, inhumane conditions, that they are too embarrassed and ashamed to speak of outside of the home.

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Even after the relationship has ended, and the victim begins to interact with other victims, this is a dark secret that is kept hidden. There is extreme shame about having to live in sub-human conditions and it is even hard to explain.

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Since the victim is so used to being doubted and gaslighted, this secret is never talked about for fear of re-traumatization. The victim just cannot take any more minimization or disbelief of their reality.

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They also cannot tolerate any more shaming than they have already endured from the narcissist, and from others who disbelieved any parts of their truth.

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This post is just to let you know that other victims have also lived in sub-human conditions at the hands of a narcissist. It may be one of the most powerful ways the narcissist controls you.

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When you are suffering just to exist, there is no energy for anything else. Your self esteem is completely crushed and you fear letting anyone into your home to see how you live.

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This has the effect of completely isolating you from potential helpers, friends and anyone who might try to bring any light of truth into the dark reality tunnel the narcissist makes you exist in.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mychildwithin
    Apr 21, 2016 @ 13:04:37

    Reblogged this on my child within.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  2. Lady Quixote/Linda Lee
    Apr 21, 2016 @ 13:50:35

    This has been my reality for too many years of my life. Even now that I am completely no contact with the abusers of my past, I still struggle with keeping my home neat and clean and liveable.

    It’s not due to depression and it’s definitely not because I am lazy or just don’t care. On the contrary, I care very much! Maybe too much — I used to be known as a neat freak, because I don’t feel relaxed and safe unless my home environment is completely tidy. But ever since my last abusive relationship, I have struggled greatly in this area, due to what I call “PTSD overwhelm.” Although I have healed a lot in so many ways since I got away from the abuse, it seems like my last trauma was the “final straw” that broke my executive function capability.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • gentlekindness
      Apr 23, 2016 @ 06:36:06

      Yes this is understandable. We can be functional in spite of the C-PTSD from childhood, and then an abusive relationship as an adult opens all the old emotional wounds…then we go into a kind of emotional shock ….and the executive function simply crashes,,,,and crashes hard.

      I have some free coaching times in my schedule. if you want to chat some evening. You can reach me at this email address…
      michelemimimish@gmail.com

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  3. DaisyWillows
    Apr 21, 2016 @ 16:53:04

    WOW! This touched a nerve. I can’t believe how numb and blind I became in my past relationship. That picture was what I lived in. I am far from that type of person in my mind and in my home but I lost hope and motivation to try – enlightening post xx

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. THRUSTUORTY
    Apr 21, 2016 @ 16:54:24

    😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. mystorian13
    Apr 21, 2016 @ 23:20:01

    In my last relationship my partner was obsessed with bills, he paid all if them and wouldn’t let me contribute. So as we lived in a huge flat with an enormous living room we relied on blankets to keep us warm. He moaned about me putting the heating on then when he came back one day to find me in a sleeping bag asked me why I didn’t put it on!
    The place was covered in unprepared fossils which were basically lumps of rock leading to everything being dusty and they took over the entrance hall to the flat, the kitchen, the living room and the hallway.

    Liked by 2 people

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  6. The Narcissist's Wife
    Apr 22, 2016 @ 07:30:57

    Reblogged this on The Narcissist's Wife and commented:
    This is such a sad aspect of this kind of abuse. Especially since, if anyone happens to find out…the victims are, too often, shamed, and- EVEN WORSE-in some cases, they’re actually ACCUSED of being the CAUSE of the shitty living conditions!

    The narcissist’s family, or friends, aren’t going to put the responsibility on him. Of course, not. It must OBVIOUSLY be the victim’s fault. Forget about the fact that she spends all day, every day, waking up at 4 AM, to try to do some freelance work from home to earn what little money she can, taking care of multiple small children, cleaning up after the narcissist (who treats the home like his personal trash can), doing all the housework, etc. while the narcissist lays around watching tv and yelling at her anytime she suggests, or encourages him to get motivated and make something better for himself.
    None of that matters…she is obviously to blame… It’s obviously her fault that the narc refuses to accomplish anything in life. She just wants to drag him down…She must just want to see him fail….

    Seriously….this is the shit that some victim seal with….and it’s disgusting, if you ask me.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  7. Army of Angels
    Apr 23, 2016 @ 13:18:07

    Wow…this had me reflecting on this aspect of life with the narc. I was overwhelmed-as the sole wage earner, I was gone everyday while he stayed home with one child. I would come home to hear him complain about this or that being messy. Every time….I would point out that he lived there too, and if something was messy, he had just as much right to clean it as I did. Outside, he kept cattle, and at times, a few goats. If an animal died, it would often stay put for a long time. People would pull into the driveway and pass a dead animal. Gross….

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

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