anxiety, anxiety attack, dark poetry, mental disorders, mental health blog, mental illness, mental illness blog, poetry

NOiSy CLocK…Spoken word Poetry

The clock ticks on

tick tick

The hands

go round

round and round

The time elapses

tick tock

‘Till I feel drowned

That heartless clock

Tick tick

I turn away

tick tick

To make it stop

Stop. STOP!

I want to rest


what  I want


for time to stop!

Just for an hour

Let me catch up

I need to rest…

I have  become

tick tick

Simply exhausted

tick tock

This linear time

tick tick

Torments my mind

tock tick

I want to change

tock tick

 I know it’s strange

tick tock tick tock tick tock

For god’s sake! , Enough already, with the tick tick tock tock

Tock tick tock tick NOW STOP!






Be very quiet






s  o   f   t   l   y

Be very still

Untie your mind

Just turn away

Pretend you’re blind

Pretend you’re deaf

Become oblivious

and now…

you will find…

The clock has stopped


I made it so

(I think I did)

It needed a “time out”

(time out)

to save my soul…

(my tortured soul)

Just let me rest…

I’m very tired

No tick , no tock

No tock , no tick

no tick tock tick tock tock tick tock tick

Universal silence

Universal bliss

Be very still


Don’t wake up

the clock

Don’t wake him up

I don’t want to hear


anxiety, anxiety attack, depression, life, mental health, mental illness, mental illness blog

Sunshine is a Free Helper for Depression

The sun is beginning to shine again. We have been cooped up indoors for many months now. The lack of sunshine had probably made you feel more depressed.  Being cooped up indoors,  has probably caused your body to go into a sort of hibernation state.

It is common for us to gain weight during the winter and to develop more pain in the joints and less agility in the muscles.

Even if we do not really feel like going outside, especially if we are struggling with depression, the sunshine is good for you. The lack of sunshine increases depression and it also depletes the body of much needed vitamin D.

“The most natural way to get vitamin D is by exposing your bare skin to sunlight (ultraviolet B rays). This can happen very quickly, particularly in the summer. You don’t need to tan or burn your skin to get vitamin D. You only need to expose your skin for around half the time it takes for your skin to turn pink and begin to burn. How much vitamin D is produced from sunlight depends on the time of day, where you live in the world and the color of your skin. The more skin you expose the more vitamin D is produced.”

Vitamin D Council  see the full article HERE

Getting in the sun for 15 minutes is very good for you. You can make it tolerable for yourself by choosing the “where, what to do, how long, ” etc. You can go for a short walk or just sit on the porch. You can do an activity, like visiting a per store and bring a snack to eat on a bench outside of the store.

You can sit outside of your house, and bring your laptop to watch something, or write your blog. You can drive somewhere that you like to go to, or somewhere new to check out.

I know that when we are in depression, the energy needed to go out anywhere, is no where to be found.  Adding one more thing onto our plates feels like an impossible task. If this is the case, then you can add your “sunshine task” by incorporating into things that you already have to do.

If you have to go to a dr appt or a mental health appt.,  go a little early and just sit outside in the sun for 5 or 10 minutes. If you have to go to the grocery store, you can just take your time walking back and forth from the car to the store. Walk slowly and enjoy the feeling of the sunshine on your skin, as you are walking.

Take your time loading the grocery bags into the car and stand for a few minutes, allowing your skin to feel the warmth of the sun and the feeling of the breeze on your skin. This sensory stimulation is good for making you feel better and it also assists with making your brain think better.

The brain responds to any sensory stimulation and it also responds to any change in activities. The small alteration in your autopilot schedule will help to wake up your brain a bit.

Sunshine also regulates serotonin and melatonin.

“Researchers from the Baker Heart Research Institute in Melbourne found that levels of serotonin—a neurotransmitter that regulates appetite, sleep, memory, and mood—are lower during the winter than the summer…

The research team noted that the only factor that affected participants’ moods was the amount of sunlight they were exposed to on any given day. More sunlight meant better moods; less sunlight lead to symptoms of depression.

The study suggests that low levels of serotonin directly correlate with seasonal affective disorder, which most often occurs during winter months.” article  view full article HERE

These are little things, but it is the little things that count. When we suffer from mental illness, we cannot easily make big changes. The little alterations in activity and schedule are what is needed, for our brains to open to new possibilities.

If all else fails, you can purchase a HappyLight Natural Spectrum Light that sits on your table,  on Amazon, that is designed to add artificial sunshine for you. You would have to follow the instructions about length of time to be under the light. There are some other similar lights on amazon and other stores.

This indoor light is designed  for you to be able to get the amount of natural light that you need, without having to sit in the sun. I have not tried this, but I do know people that use them. If you have any feedback about this light, and you have tried them, please leave us some opinion about the light in the comments below.

I am thinking about buying one. I have some dollars left on an amazon gift card and I could use them to buy this. So, feel free to let the readers and myself know what your experiences have been with this kind of light.

So, good luck and try some of these ideas. Anything that helps, is worth taking a few minutes to try out. Enjoy the change in the weather. I love the spring because all of the beautiful flowers and plants grow and flourish. The baby ducks will be swimming around in the pond soon.

anxiety, anxiety attack, life, ptsd

Fire Alarms Galore ! My PTSD Cannot Tolerate This…

Okay, it is 8:26 am here and my alarm clock is set for noon. I would not be awake, if it were not for the fire alarm having gone off. The one in this house goes off with an alarm and a recorder female, business like voice saying “FIRE FIRE FIRE….FIRE FIRE FIRE…”

So, even though someone apparently burned popcorn in the microwave, it is still a bit disconcerting. But more so, because of the fact that it is the 3rd time I have heard a fire alarm in the past 2 days.

The day before yesterday, this alarm went off for a similar reason to now. But 2 nights ago, at work at the nursing home, the fire alarm went off for real. The incident extremely frightening, being as I was in the dementia unit on the 2nd floor of a building and there are no ramps to get the residents down!

There is a lot more to the story and I will write it up later on today. I had so much anxiety for the first 24 hours after that, I could not even write about it here, I had been planning to write it out, when I got home from work that night, but the anxiety over the experience was incapacitating to do that.

Anyway, as I was still recovering from actually evacuating residents in a less than safe, less than ideal, situation of real fire, this fire alarm at 8 ish in the morning, was not pleasant to wake up to. Holy crap!

Not only that, I get ptsd symptoms about fire. Other stories from my past …to tell another day…

I felt extremely nauseated when I began writing this post and now it has passed. I actually thought for a minute that I was getting the stomach flu, on top of everything else. But it must have been a PTSD symptom that I have not experienced before.

Fire is a terrible fear for me. Which reminds me of the time that I explained about my fear of fire to my ex, when we were newly dating. We were going to spend the weekend together and we went to check in at a hotel in Manhattan.

I told him that I do not feel safe above the 7th floor of any hotel. I watched a fire documentary once, and it said that firemen do not stay above the 7th floor, when they go to hotels.

The reason for this, is that the ladder on a firetruck is not designed to reach above the 7th floor. They cannot get you out by ladder, if you are above the 7th. The fire chief in the documentary, said that he would never stay that high in a hotel.

When I heard him say that I thought to myself… “If the fire chief isn’t staying above the 7th floor, then neither am I.”  Ever after that, I always have preferred the 1st and 2nd floors of a hotel, and never above the 7th.

Back to the hotel story…I told my ex all of this and that I was afraid of being trapped in a fire. I have had some terrifying past experiences with fire and I feel safer on a floor that the fire chief would deem safer. How can I sleep, if I am worried about this kind of thing?

I was already scared because I had never been to Manhattan, NY before. The city is really big, scary and full of people everywhere. I was having anxiety, just walking through all the people on the sidewalks.

But he was worried about the street noise.

He lived in an apt. that was on the street in NY and he was tired of hearing street noise every night. He wanted the hotel night to be a break from the street noise. The person at the front desk told him that we had to get a room at least 20 floors up, in order to not hear any street noise.

The 20th floor ! I had never (and still have never since then) even been in a building that had 20 floors! I could not even imagine 20 floors. I am afraid of heights that high, in addition to the whole fire thing. Just looking out of a window that high, will give me an anxiety attack.

So, what was the compromise?

He took the 20th floor room. I wonder if I should have considered this a red flag ?

anxiety, anxiety attack, avoidant personality disorder, depression, kindness, mental health, mental illness, panic attack, ptsd

Making Changes for Better Brain Function in Avoidant Personality Disorder and Severe Anxiety

Avoidant Personality disorder comes out of a severe fear and anxiety of the consequences. There is a projection into the future of self destruction or of being destroyed by others.

We avoid doing things that other people just do without thinking so much about them. With avoidant personality disorder there is obsessive thinking.

These fearful obsessive thoughts run through the mind around and around. Pictures of horrible things that will happen to us in the future, dominate our entire brain. They override logical thinking and reduce our ability to function properly.

One of the things that makes avoidant personality symptoms worse, is walking through life in autopilot. If we do the same things over and over it is bad our brains.

If we just go through the motions of repetitive tasks and then get up an repeat the same patterns again the next day, we are shutting down the parts of our brain, that we need to be rational.

All parts of the brain cannot be active at the same time. If the fear centers are on overload, then the rational functional parts of the brain is reduced. If we do not use the creativity and ingenuity that we have, then those skills become weaker.

We need to make changes in our behaviors. Not necessarily dramatic changes, but tiny little changes. Just do something that is different during your day.

Read something new, take a different route to work. eat somewhere different, research something new. Anything that we like, but we do not usually make time for.

If we create variation each day, then our brain will learn that it is needed for learning and problem solving. Once the brain begins to work better, then we can approach the tasks that we always avoid, with a new perspective.

Perception and perspective is everything. If we can see situation from a completely different point of view, it will force our brains to wake up. Our ability to deal with problems and complex situations will become higher.



anxiety attack, bipolar, bipolar disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, mental disorders, mental health, mental illness

Derealization / Depersonalization Disorder Part 2 / Memory Failure


“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

This post is has been submitted to the Blog for mental health. The link to the blog is above, and I encourage you to check out this blog which is dedicated to raising awareness about mental health.

This is the second part of my posts on derealization / depersonalization disorder. Part 1 can be viewed here.

One thing that I have experienced is a major lack of disorganization of my thoughts.

The thoughts become disorganized, meaning that they do not flow in a logical order. There are pieces of thoughts here and there, that come and then go, and then come back again.

I try to begin with a train of thought and then quickly do not remember where I was going with it. A little later it comes back to me and I can continue on with it for a minute or two, before it is lost again.

Last night I wrote a post from the state of derealization and I will post it next. I had to pause completely in places, to figure out what I was thinking and in those cases I put a “dot dot dot”  … or …Uhg …or something like that and that is where I was stopping to get my brain back together.


The memory fails to function properly. Once in a while I get into a severe anxiety state, that goes into some level of derealization and then my memory just fails. I cannot even remember a simple direction given to me by a coworker.

They will tell me to do something and when I walk down the hall, the memory of what they told me leaves. I don’t just mean that I forget what they told me. I will will actually forget “that” they told me.

I wonder why I am walking that direction down the hall. I make an educated guess as to what I may have been going in that direction for, but I completely have lost the fact that someone gave me a specific task to do.

The harder I try to keep on track, the more nervous I get over the fact that I am not remembering simple directions, the worse my ability to keep track of things gets.

As I mentioned most people that have episodes of the derealization state have trauma of some kind in their past or present. Sometimes situations occur that are too overwhelming and trigger post traumatic stress.

In the case that you are still living with some kind of mental or other abuse, the actual abuse can cause the derealization and / or the depersonalization mode to kick in. Actually, it is more like parts of the grounded brain function are shutting off, than it is like something is kicking in.

out of mind

This can occur to perfectly intelligent and logical people. It is not a sign of lack of intelligence. In fact, the more intelligent, sensitive and creative a person is, the more severely their brain is sometimes affected by mental types of abuse.

The brain keeps attempting to put the abuse into some category of ration and logic. Since it cannot do that, the brain becomes more and more traumatized , as it tried to organize the information surrounding the abuse.

Derealization and depersonalization often goes with another disorder such as bipolar disorder, PTSD, dissociative disorder or a severe anxiety disorder.

Later this afternoon, I will post the writing from the night I was still in the derealization state. I had begun to come out of it enough to be able to write. I talk about what it had been like for me earlier that day.

The worst part of the day had been in the early afternoon. The post was written late that night, while I was still struggling with the symptoms, but I was better than the time of the day that I describe in the post.

Hopefully this will shed some light on this less understood disorder and be of help to people who feel very alone about having this disorder.

I think that most people that experience this, keep it to themselves, for fear of sounding crazy or not being understood. This is also true for me and this is really the first time I have decided to be truthful and transparent about these experiences.

anxiety, anxiety attack, depression, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, ocd, panic attack, poem, poetry, post traumatic stress disorder, ptsd

Snow Plows in the Night

I should have gone to sleep already. 

I don’t know why my brain is so wide awake

Too much excitement and anxiety

All thundering  through my brain

My chest is tight with pressure

breath is shallow like gasping for air

Nerves on fire like electricity is streaming 

through every single part of my spine 

Sounds of the snow plows

Back and forth and back and forth

Used to lull me to sleep, long ago

But what used to be my comfort is now a trigger

that locks my mind and won’t let go

anxiety, anxiety attack, bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia, life, memory issues, mental health, mental illness

Drive safely, Don’t Fall on the Ice, Unplug the Toaster, Pet Your Animals, Love your Children and Say Good Night to Annie

Ten Random Thoughts

1. I am so very tired, I want to stay in bed for a week.

2. I started this list and had no idea what I was going to write.

3. I wish I could work less and spend more time with my kids.

4. I feel sad that my daughter is 18 now. I wish I could go back and have done some things better.

5. Tomorrow I want to let the bunny out to play in my room. I miss him hopping around.

6. I am isolated and alienated by this living situation. I have no friends.

7. My daughter’s new therapist does not care if she retraumatizes me.

8. Retraumatizes comes up in red on my computer. Isn’t is a real word?

9. I learned how to make ❤ on the computer today. This made me happy. Someone on wordpress taught me and they are probably smiling as they read this now and these hearts or for her ❤ ❤ ❤

10. Sadly, that ❤  thing was the only happy thing that happened today

11. This is more than 10 things

12. I am getting more tired

13. My boyfriend has not called and he has always called me every night for 10 months so far. I am used to sleeping with him on the phone

14. I  guess that is why I feel like I have no friends now

15. Maybe he fell asleep and he is still my friend

16. Obsessive thoughts cause severe anxiety

17. More tired now. I was trying to keep going until I could fall asleep

18. I wonder of this top 10 list will make it to 20

19. That’s nineteen

20. I have to take the battery out of my work pager or it will keep making that BEEP noise every 15 minutes all night and drive me  crazy…not that it would be too far to have to drive me

21. My post on the kindness blog did well this week. I think I still have to give you guys the link. One of you found it on your own. Thank you. And now you are smiling because you know who you are 🙂

22. This too shall pass ……..

23. Good Night to all my fellow insomniacs and good morning to whoever wakes up and reads this at 6am, which is going to be an hour after I fall asleep this time

24. We passed 10 and we passed 20

25. Drive safely, don’t fall on the ice, unplug the toaster, pet your animals, love your children and say good night to Annie

26 ❤  🙂  ❤  🙂  ❤

acoa, addiction, adult children of abuse, adult children of alcoholics, alcoholism, anxiety, anxiety attack, battered women, bipolar, bipolar disorder, child abuse, depression, domestic abuse, domestic violence, therapy for mental disorders

Being Able to Speak About Our Mental Illness or History of Abuse

Some people with mental illness speak freely about it and others are afraid to speak. Many of us have issues of mental illness because we were traumatized and mentally abused. It may have occurred during early childhood and is so far back that we do not really remember. There may be clear memories of some type of trauma or abuse during childhood.

We may have sustained psychological injury at the hands of an abusive partner during adulthood. Often times people are abused in childhood and then end up choosing partners who abuse them also. Not that we know that in the beginning. NO one hooks up with an abusive partner on purpose. They are often very charming and seemingly sweet at the beginning of the relationship.

If we were psychologically injured as children, then we were also probably conditioned that we do not speak of such things. There is secrecy and guilt built into those early relationships. We were taught that we do not talk about abuse, feelings about what goes on on our homes and to keep everything inside.

I remember Pat Benatar’s song “Hell is for Children” and she sings “Be Daddy’s good girl and don’t tell Mommy a thing. Be a good little boy and you’ll get a new toy. Tell Grandma you fell off the swing”

Very powerful lyrics and a great song. This is where the secrecy begins. We are taught that to be “good” means keeping your torment to yourself. Do not involve other people into the situation. Do not talk to people about your problems. Keep everything bottled up.

These behavioral patterns continue into adulthood. They are imprinted onto our brains with big “DON’T TELL” stampers. It is very hard to  break out of the patterns of not talking about things and keeping our “shame” to ourselves. We feel ashamed about what happened to us as children. We feel shame for having chosen an abusive partner.

We do not see other people around us, ending up in these situations. We feel ashamed and guilty. We feel like people will not believe us or that they will judge us. There is a feeling of not wanting to burden another person with our problems. No one wants to hear about MY problems, They are busy with their own problems.

Some of us even have trouble opening up to the family doctor or primary care physician. It can even go so far as not wanting to go to a therapist because we do not think they will  want to listen to. We may not think the therapist or psychiatrist will believe us. Maybe we will not explain our problems properly , in a way that they will understand.

Maybe the psychiatrist will think that his other patients have “real” mental health problems and we are just “faking it” or maybe we are afraid to tell the psychiatrist the whole truth because he never would have met anyone that bad before. Maybe we are the worst one ever and they will decide to commit us to a psychiatric facility.

These feelings have been conditioned into us by abusive people who did not want us to tell on them. They wanted to control us and they did not want to be revealed. Once their game is exposed, they can no longer play.

It is hard to change how we feel, We have ingrained reactions to things. Emotions are associated with anything that triggers memories from past trauma. Even the voice of the therapist sounding like your abusive father’s voice, could send you into post traumatic stress and immediately shut down your ability to communicate with them.

The solution is complex and it takes time to be able to open up to other people about mental illness. Sometimes people will respond in ways that are horrifying to us. Some people treat the mentally ill, the psychologically injured, like they are third class citizens. Like we are not competent , not reliable, not truthful and not worthy.

We already feel a low self esteem and a feeling that we are not as good as other people, if we endured years of mental abuse. If we had to hide things as a child then it is easy to go into that “safety mode” of hiding again.  I put “safety mode” in quotes because it is our old belief system. It was how we survived for years. It was the way we knew that we had to be, in order to avoid further trauma. Not that it kept the abuse from continuing.

It is necessary at some point, for us to open up and speak about our mental illness. We need to speak about our abuse during childhood or our abuse from our ex husband. It is not shameful. Anyone who makes you feel ashamed is not doing the right thing. You should be able to have feelings and thoughts like any other person.

You may have had experiences that are unique and that are so unusual that many people just cannot deal with them and they do not want to hear them. I am not suggesting frightening people or distressing them with your story.

The point is to reach out and find the right people to tell your story to. WordPress is great because we can tell our story here, with an avatar as our picture if we wish. We can be truthful and transparent. It is a healing thing to write about out thoughts and feelings about what has happened to damage us mentally and emotionally.

We are not designed to sustain trauma and keep it locked up inside of us. We are people that need the community of others, We need to be listened to and understood. We must have our feelings validated or we will become more mentally ill.

It is very tricky sometimes to know who is a safe person to talk to and who is not. It is hard to know what part of our story to tell someone and what part to leave out. We are so much in the middle of what is going on in our obsessive, constantly running brains, that we cannot always see the forest through the trees.

Reach out anyway and try to find other humans to talk to. Therapy works for many people, but it is very common for someone to have to try out 2, 3 or even 5 therapists before finding the right one. It is a scary thing to tell a therapist your story, if you are not in the habit of talking about it at all.

I am writing this post in order to validate anyone that has a behavior pattern of never talking about their mental illness or their history of abuse. It may have been the rule of the abusers in our lives that we were not “allowed” to speak of these things, but the times have changed to new times.

If you are, however, still in an abusive situation, please be careful. You do need to be careful who you talk to about the abuser. Call a women’s shelter (or a men’s shelter). Talk to people on wordpress, but be careful to protect your identity.

If we can not speak then we have no voice. If we have no voice then who are we? We lose our identity.

Blessings to all and to all a good night 🙂


anxiety, anxiety attack, bipolar, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental health, mental illness, poem, poetry


Why do they target me,

Because I am different?

I am trying to make a difference

I am trying to create magic

To try something new

To make things  better

To change the

Same old,

Same old ways

that are…




I want to light up

The eyes and the hearts

Of the ones who are suffering

They need a new start


the drones

feel so threatened

They reject anything new,



They want to hush me

Put me in the corner

Threaten me

punish me

scold me

humiliate me


I can’t conform

To the ways

that are

Boring !


Lacking spark

I can’t make magic

I can’t make art

Not around them

No, not around them

They don’t like that I’m different

And try to innovate

They just want…

boring drones

boring drones

that repeat

that repeat



and reenact

The same old,

same old play

With the same old,

Same old lines

Drones who

do the minimum…

Just slide by

Collect their pay

That’s the conformist way

Watch what you wear

and watch what you say

It must match their

Damn  formula

Etched in stone

As if it were

The ten commandments

Brought down by Moses

Follow the social laws

Repeat and review them

Don’t try to add to them

Or subtract

what is…




What is most important

to them

Is that

We are all the same

anxiety, anxiety attack, depression, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, panic attack, self-esteem

Anxiety Attacks and the Mental Doors that Open in Our Minds

Why do I get such severe anxiety when I have to be somewhere on time, even if I am not really running late? 

This was a question someone posed to me the other day. The first thing I told them was that I do the same thing. Then I tried to picture what happens to me in the same circumstance.

What happens is that we go through a series of “mental doors.” These are doors that will open to something bad on the other side of them. The doors are in succession; if the first one opens, then it is very likely the next door will open. Once that door opens, the next will open and so on.

In the scenario that plays out in our minds, the worst possible thing will happen behind each and every door, ultimately ending in a catastrophic event.  Each of the events  will cause us severe  mental torment and pain and put us in a situation we have no way to save ourselves from.

We are very sure these things will happen basically in the order we picture them. Sometimes we have a very clear picture of the succession of events in our minds, and other times it is more subconscious. If we stopped to write down what is behind each door, we probably could.

Usually what awaits behind the doors are things we have a general fear of happening. They are things that haunt us and control our behavior. We are so afraid of these things happening, that our lives are ruled by these fears.

What am I really afraid of ?

The fears are different for different people. Personally the things I fear are as follows:

losing my job

the house burning down

having my children taken away from me

fear of abandonment

being homeless

losing my mind

You can make your own list. You may share some with me and you may have many of your own. The fear of losing the job is probably the easiest one to use for an example. This one begins with running late for work and has many other nasty doors after it.

I am running late for work.

I will arrive late and the worst possible  supervisor will be there

I will be scolded and humiliated

The confrontation between the supervisor and myself will be overwhelming

I will not be able to deal with the anxiety of it

I will either quit, be fired…  OR …

be too upset to work and screw something up at work to get myself fired… OR ..

.the result of the confrontation will be an unbearable increase in the anxiety level at work from now on that will make me physically ill, more mentally ill, and will end in my losing lob soon

What is the worst thing that could happen?

The loss of my job will be devastating

I will not have enough money to eat or feed my kids, or pay the rent

I will be thrown out of the house by my ex in-laws either with my children or they will keep my children

Any hope for a future will be lost

I will not recover

Where did these fears come from and why do I constantly feel in danger of them?

Most likely these fears have root in our past. There is something about ourselves or things we have experienced that make us believe that these things are chasing us. We are in constant danger of these things happening to us. If we are not careful and always worrying about them, then they will sneak up on us and destroy us.

It could be that some of these fears are due to our present living situation. If we are in a mentally abusive situation, then the fears that other people would consider made up, are actually part of our lives. If we actually have to fear things that other people do not, because of who we are living with, then we are being manipulated by others with fear, which is mental abuse.

Once we think we might be running late for work, our minds go into the mode of opening all of these mental doors. It is not a clear thing in our minds. There are just flashes of thoughts, pictures, scenarios and overwhelming emotion.  We actually experience the feelings of fear , as if these situations were occuring right now.

We suffer the mental torment of the bad experiences we fear, even though they are not actually happening to us at this time. This is part of the anxiety disorder and we cannot just shut it off. The brain goes into this mode on its own.

The obsessive thoughts running through our heads when we are afraid of being late for work, are all about these doors, we fear opening against our will. It is a fear of the future and our mental / emotional inability to handle it. The thing that would help would be strengthening our general mental state. But we are in the lace we are in at this time.