Insomnia from Narcissistic Abuse Sleep Meditation

Be WoW on Wednesday Post

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This is my #beWoW post which stands for be Wow on Wednesday, This is sponsored by Ronovanwrites blog

Please take a pop over and see what interesting things he is doing. And now for my post.

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October in New Jersey

October in New Jersey comes with various feelings, memories and triggers for me. I love Halloween, so that part of October is fun and exciting. I love the creativity of Halloween such as the costumes, the imagination of both children and adults coordinating together, the haunted houses and the decorations. 

October is also a reminder to me that I am not living the life of freedom and independence that I would like to be, I ended up having to move back in with my ex in-laws a few years ago.

This was following a situation that I had to exit rather quickly and the offer from the in-laws was a last resort, emergency measure for me, in order to keep my kids safe and make sure there was a warm place for them to be for the winter. 

Along with living here comes many restrictions, control, manipulation and boundary crossing, which is how I knew it would be from many years of past experience with them. There are always conditions and intentional miscommunication about things that are important to me. 

If you have ever been in a situation where you felt your freedom was restricted then you know what I mean. I am sure many of you have felt your creativity, self esteem and your efforts to follow your own dreams and values, restricted by situations and people before. 

The reason October reminds me of just how controlled and limited I feel is that the in laws do not like Halloween. In fact they see it as Satanic  Witchcraft Time, which if any of you has ever done research about these things, you know that people that call themselves witches do not worship Satan, and that Halloween is not al about witchcraft for most people anyway. 

But living here restricts the type and amount of decorating I can do. I have to try to sneak my kids out in their costumes for trick or treating, or just deal with the consequences. My ability to be a parent that makes my own decisions about my own kids is severely interfered with in all kinds of areas of their lives. Halloween is not the biggest one. 

Other things about my life are intentionally interfered with and monitored to the point where I have to keep certain goals, dreams, activities, and even mail and bank statements invisible. I am completely alone with my decisions to move forward in my life, my behaviors towards those goals, and there is no one I can discuss or share these things with at this time. At least not in the “real life” world.

I have to count on myself. I have to plan by myself. I have to keep everything to myself, in order not to have any of my plans undermined by people who would rather have me dependent upon them, and follow the role and identity that suits their agenda.

But herein lies the questions…

How can we follow our dreams and become the spiritual person that we want to be…contribute to the world in the way we feel lead…and blossom and bloom…when we are in locked down situations …even to the point of mental abuse in some cases? 

What happens after an abusive situation is over? Are we condemned to a life of post traumatic trauma that we can never get out from under? Can we still reach towards being the person we were meant to be? 

If we were meant to do certain things…contribute to humanity in a certain area…care and love others…then why has the universe restricted us?..punished us?…

Are we being tested? Are being strengthened? Are we being punished? Are we being educated somehow? Are we being prevented from reaching our full potential due some bad thing we did in our past?

Have we been forgotten…forsaken… by God or the universe ?

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I have been thinking about all of these questions lately and I have found that asking questions in a scientific, detached sort of way, rather than a reactive sort of way, can lead you to answers and possibilities.

There are always possibilities even when we do not see them. 

Even when we are able to see possibilities, there are even more possibilities and more potential within ourselves than we are able to see. 

One of the first steps to surviving the feeling of being controlled and imprisoned, is to consider the questions and to consider that there are possibilities that we cannot see.

Our minds allow us to see only that which we believe is possible. It has been proven by quantum physics that there are many things happening around us that our brains see but that our eyes do not see.

How can there be something in front of you that your brain sees but that does not get sent to your eyes? 

It has to do with the subconscious mind and how it interacts with your conscious mind. The subconscious mind has all of our associations stored in it. It holds our beliefs about reality, our biases, and associations between things and situations to what we think the meaning is of those things.

Our subconscious mind assigns meaning to what we see, what we hear, what other people do and everything else in our environment. Our subconscious mind decides the rules about what we can allow into our consciousness. This includes what we see with our eyes or what we do not see that another person right next to us, might easily see. 

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This does not just apply to seeing objects that are in our space of vision. This also includes seeing possibilities for us. It includes seeing what potential we have. It includes seeing reality in a completely different way than we are used to seeing it. 

If we can begin with questions about what we think and what we believe, we can open a connection to that subconscious part of the brain.

We can question the rules about how reality has to be. We can question our inner rules that dictate how we expect people to treat us, how we expect people to see us. 

We can question any beliefs we have about ourselves such as not being good enough, deserving to suffer, being  easy to control or manipulate and any beliefs we have about being inadequate to go after the things we want. 

Once we begin to question the beliefs that have been programmed into our subconscious minds, then we can question where those beliefs may have come from. 

If you think that you are destined to be controlled and manipulated for example, where do you think that belief came from? We did not put it there ourselves. 

If you have a belief that you will never find a partner that understands you, wants the best for you and really loves you…where do you think that belief came from? You did not put it there yourself.

These things were programmed by other people and situations that you were in…mostly during your childhood.

Once you begin to question your limitations and the beliefs that are behind those limitation,  people will find you much harder to control and to threaten. Once you can change the early programming from your childhood, you will not be stoppable by others.

You will begin to see possibilities where you did not see them before.

You will see ways around other people and situations that may have been right in front of you the entire time. But other people may have been redirecting your conscious mind so that you would not see them. 

You were meant to do great things in this world and in this reality. Begin with the questions…

Why do I feel stuck? Who do I think is controlling me? What authority do they really have over me? Why do I feel inferior or inadequate? Who told me that?

What agenda did it serve for them? Were they telling the truth? Did they know the truth about me?

Is this feeling of being stuck something new or is it a conditioned state that is familiar to us from our past? Maybe others are trying to control and manipulate us but do they have as much power over us of we refuse to react the way they expect us to?

Why do I want others to approve of me? Do I need everyone to approve of me? Is everyone looking out for my best interest? Does everyone tell me the truth?

Did the people who told me I was inadequate, non-compliant, undeserving or not worthy…have some agenda of their own? Did they really know me? Were they telling the truth? Were they lying? Did they even know what the truth was about me? 

Who knows me better than I know myself? Why should I live my life to please other people who will never be happy with me anyway? What am I trying to avoid?

Is avoiding the pain of conflict worth living for others? Is the fear of upsetting someone else worth giving my dreams away, my self esteem away, and my life purpose away…just to serve someone else’s agenda?

Begin with the questions and see what your subconscious mind in holding.

See what beliefs are no longer serving you. Anything negative about you is not serving you at all. Anything that is limiting your possibility to go after your dreams is also not serving you anymore. 

Let go of the early programming and other programming that other people forced onto you only to serve their own purposes.

Anyone that told you things like.You Can’t….You Don’t Deserve…You are not good enough…

You will fail…You should …You should not……. was probably thinking of their agenda and not about your happiness… or  “the Truth”  for that matter….

You have one life to live. You should live this life in order to fulfill  your happiness and your dreams. The people that really matter are the ones that will love you for being who you really are.

Blessings,

Annie   of gentlekindnesscoaching.com  and gentlekindness blog on WordPress

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