Parents with narcissistic personality disorder never think of their adult children as adults. There is no respect for boundaries or your right to make your own decisions.
While other parents guide their children to become independent adults, narcissistic parents attempt to condition their children to serve their agenda.
Whether you are the golden child or the scapegoat is dependent on a variety of factors. Usually one child is chosen to be the golden child. If they comply with the wishes of the narcissistic parent, then they will probably retain that role. Otherwise they are in danger of being knocked off of the pedestal.
The scapegoat child is often the one that insisted on being authentic and questioned or exposed the methods of the narcissistic parent. Other times the scapegoated child just got that role because there was already a golden child in place.
The narcissistic parent projects the qualities of their grandios false self onto the chosen one…the golden child. There is unreasonable pressure put onto this child to live up to what the parent demands.
Scapegoated children can be subjected to mobbing by the family members. The narcissist creates the narrative for the family. Anyone who does not follow blindly is usually punished.
As part of this shared psychosis, created by the narcissist, the blame for any faults, failures or shortcomings of the narcissist will be put onto the scapegoat.
Different families have somewhat different dynamics, since there can be more than two children. Some children may be ignored completely because they do not fill the role of either the golden child or the scapegoat.
Anyone can be knocked off the pedestal at any time. Narcissists can be vindictive and quick to punish with emotional or other means.
Adult children of narcissistic parents carry trauma from their childhood. How they interact with the narcissistic parent may keep them in a childish lifestyle, or they may divorce the narcissistic parent and break contact with them.
Other adult children struggle to maintain independence while the narcissist makes their lives a living hell.
Learning about narcissism and pathological liars, can help you to understand why your relationship with your parents is like other people’s. Malignant narcissists are master deceivers and manipulators.
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent then you may be suffering from C-PTSD from emotional, mental or other abuses. Finding out more about emotional trauma and C-PTSD can help you to find freedom from the narcissistic chains that bind you.
Even if you have gone No Contact, or have limited contact, the emotional trauma and emotional flashbacks can still permeate your life.
🌷Check out the gentlekindness facebook page and gentlekindnesscoaching.com site for more information and help with Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse
The people that try to make you feel guilt or shame over not doing what they want you to do, are just serving their own agenda.
If they continue to try to emotionally manipulate you, they have no concern for your reality. They do not respect your right to see things from your own point of view.
People will claim to know what you should start doing…or stop doing..that will make you a better person. But take a closer look and see that they are trying to get you to fit into their own agenda.
You do not have to change your core beliefs to make someone else’s reality more comfortable. They are clearly not changing their beliefs to suit you.
If you are not trying to guilt and shame them, then what right do they have to do it to you. What gives one person, or one group of people, exclusive rights to know everything that everyone “should” and “should not” be doing?
Shaming people is not loving. Any group or individual that is making you feel bad about yourself, or trying to make you question your own truth to support theirs, is more concerned with serving their own agenda than wanting you to be your authentic self.
People that claim to care about your best interest, but try to shame and guilt you into changing for them, do not have your best interest at heart….but they have their own best interest at heart.
So let them continue to follow their own path and do what they feel best supports them…..while you follow your own path and do what best supports you.
Why is it okay for them to want an environment they feel safe and supported in….but you are selfish because you also want to feel safe and supported?
What is “untherapy”? Untherapy is what I am calling one of the types of life coaching that I do. It is basically compassionate two-way dialogue between the coach and the client, in order to provide validation and kindness, which the client is in desperate need of in their lives.
Although untherapy is absolutely not a replacement for treatment by a mental health professional, untherapy can provide a complement to traditional, clinical therapy.
While clinical therapists are licensed to delve into past trauma and use CBT to deal with those traumas, the life coaching practitioner is able to talk to the client about current issues and mental blocks that are inhibited them from moving forward with their lives.
We can often get into times where we feel like we are carrying a weight our shoulders and we just cannot get traction to move forward with our lives. While life coaches cannot diagnose any mental illness, we can help with issues like perfectionism and anxiety that are inhibiting you from doing things you need to do in life.
Life coaching can help you with things like feeling stuck, lack of motivational energy and lack of clarity due to brain fog from anxiety.
We are trained to guide the client to find the best path for them, by listening and identifying key issues that are creating problems for you. When you are in the midst of a dark reality tunnel, it can be very difficult to see clearly enough to be able to identify these things on your own.
Validation is an extrememly important need for people these days. Especially people who are carrying C-PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, need validation about their reality. Years of bad programming by care givers can cause disorientation, low self esteem and lack of the ability to self generate feelings of self worth.
Life coaches are able to deal with self esteem, and self confidence issues, as they relate to present time situations.
So whereas therapists deal with the past situations which caused mental health problems, life coaches can offer compassionate conversation about your feelings and thoughts in the present time, in order to help you get some traction to move forward onto the path you want to create as you walk it.
I am calling my particular flavor of life coaching “untherapy” because I feel it is different, yet can be complementary, to traditional therapy.
I can speak with you in a less climical and more equal kind of way. The traditional therapist is trained to keep an emotional distance from the client wheras I am under no rules to keep emotionally distanced from you.
I am allowed to share any personal stories of mine that may help to validate and guide you. Life coaches are not restrcted to stay at arms length from the client and make you feel like a “sick” patient.
Just because someone has experienced a traumatic past does not mean there is something innately wrong with them.
There are just natural reactions of the brain to put up blocks, in order to protect you from further injury. These blocks sometimes served us in the past and are now inhibiting our ability to move forward and blossom.
The spiritual side of you is just as important as the mental and emotional sides.
Spiritual coaching is a branch of life coaching that deals with helping you find your inner spiritual voice, and to overcome any vibrational blocks to your spiritual healing of yourself. This is another option of untherapy. We will call it Spiritual Untherapy or Vibrational Untherapy.
I will be posting future posts about this new concept of coaching. I feel the word “coaching” sounds like something to do with sports, and that is why I wanted a different way of communicating the new compassionate based life coaching, by using the term untherapy.
I am interested to get comments on this post to see if I have fully explained this, in a way everyone can understand and relate to. I believe there is a distinct lack of compassion and validation for people that suffer from certain issues, such as C-PTSD and PTSD.
There are holistic methods to help with PTSD, that fall outside of traditional therapy. I can guide you through NLP imagery and hypnosis, for anxiety reduction and even physical pain management.
If you are interested in finding out more about my services, please visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com
I am thinking of doing some promotional “freebe” kinds of things coming up at that web site, so please add your name to the emailing list, in order to be sent any new promotions that you may enjoy participating in.
Many blessings for peace and happiness,
Only partially illuminates the room
All else is silent but the wind
And the sound of the tiny clicks
that sound out loud
each time a letter is typed
The writing keeps me thinking
The writing stops me from thinking too much
About the darkness
The writing keeps me feeling
The writing keeps me from feeling too much
Of the darkness
The resonating echo of the clicks
Filling the emptiness of the room
Makes me feel some safety …
Something to frighten
the darkness away
To ward it off
To block it’s path
To distract my mind
To pretend it cannot reach me
But it’s all around
I can feel it rising
From the floors of the bedroom
To the top of the mattress
But I just keep typing
To hear the clicking
Of the cell phone keys in the dark
Because it isn’t the darkness
From the lack of light
That frightens me the very most
But the other darkness that rises
And closes all around me
That no one thinks is there
And no one else can see
© 2016 gentlekindness
Black and white thinking
is simple and rigid
Stale and predictable
Solid and stagnant
It does not allow
for exceptions and alterations
changes mid stream
Doors that may open
right in front
that have blinders on
Black and white thinking
keeps out the possibilities
that we may be wrong
in the very place
where we need to see something new
Black and white thinking
keeps to the outside edge
Ignores the middle
where the colors flourish
twirl and blend
and create possibilities
I just finished giving a guitar lesson to my teenage niece. It is nice to spend time with her. I have been giving her lessons for a few months now, about every other week.
Before her father had asked me if I was interested in doing guitar lessons with her, I had not been doing much with guitar at all.
I used to play all the time. Depression has a way of making you lose interest in the things you once used to love to do. After back to back abusive situations with partners and family members, I lost my will to do anything that I liked to do.
Since I have started my life coaching business I have been feeling that life force coming back. Once people suck your will out of you, it takes time to be able to self generate that energy again.
It takes doing something that you are passionate about. Since I have been working with other abuse victim, I have felt a purpose in my life that means something special to me. So this is having the effect of generating some of that will power back again.
I still feel the weight of depression pressing down on me as I try to push it off. I am learning that you cannot push it off at all. It is more a matter of accepting without judgement of yourself.
Then allowing the feelings to come and sitting with them in a way that is nurturing. Showing yourself compassion when the people closest to you cannot show you any compassion is not easy. But you can do it once you learn that the perceptions others have about you do not have to frame your reality.
Anyway, I was thinking of putting new strings on my guitar so that it would sound better. The old strings have a very thumpy, dull sound. I know that I would be pleased to hear the sound of new strings and I would be more likely to play for enjoyment.
I might learn a new song or write one of my own. Baby steps are sometimes the way to make great changes in your perceptions. It is the change in perception that will create change in your behavior.
Perceptions control your emotions. Emotions are underneath of all behaviors. Once you can begin to change behaviors and have more control over getting some momentum, then you can begin to enjoy your path as you are creating it under your feet.
Being a serious, mature adult who works all the time is over-rated.
While you have to maintain responsibility for your survival by paying the bills, the perception that you have to “act like a grown up” all the time is simply that…a perception.
Who made the rule that adults cannot have fun?
You can buy some balloons and pat them up into the air . You can watch a goofy movie and roll on the floor laughing in your room. You can buy toys that you like and have them for your own amusement and comfort.
If the people in your life would ridicule you for acting like a kid, then maybe you need to meet some new people….ones that think kids are great. The old adage that children should be seen and not heard is ridiculous.
Who decides what an adult is? Other than keeping up with your responsibilities and not hurting anyone , what are the rules and who wrote them?
What things did you enjoy doing as a child? Are there really any rules against doing some of them…just for fun?
Is it childish or irresponsible to enjoy an activity …just because you want to? Why can’t you allow some time just to be silly or to use your imagination?
When did the word ” childish” come to have negative connotations?
Why is IMAGINATION considered a “childish thing?
Some of the most brilliant contributors to our world have been people will a great ability to IMAGINE. The imagination and playfulness of a child are valuable skills that are under-estimated by most adults.
Explore new possibilities and play them out in your imagination.
Using imagination and vision can be the way you will come up with very creative solutions to problems that are in your life. Thinking outside the box and being able to imagine possibilities will create new options for you.
Taking time to play, in some way which activates your imagination, can benefit you in ways you cannot perceive right now. There are possibilities all around you and new ways to do things that you have not tried because you are not used to them.
We tend to see what is familiar and what our subconscious brain has been conditioned to see.
There is a part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System.
It is the part of your brain that filters information from your environment. There is far more information around you at any given time than your conscious brain can process.
What you tend to think about and believe is what your reticular activating system scans for in the environment. Then what you see becomes proof of what you believe.
Your brain looks for proof of what you already think is true.
So basically even if you believe something negative about yourself, your brain will scan for proof in the environment that it is true.
If you believe that you are bad in social situations, then your brain looks for proof that people are not responding to you in the way you want them to. You may completely miss the parts of interactions where someone really likes you.
Take a break to do something fun.
Take some time to play and it will allow your brain and emotions to relax for a little while. When you get back to dealing with life problems again, you will be able to see things with some of your negative filters turned off.
Play is not just for kids.
Think of what you used to like to do as a kid. There is some activity that you loved then that you can still do now. Use your imagination and let go of preconceptions.
Imagination and creative thought will allow you to see new possibilities. Try something different like re-inventing yourself in a way that you picture you would feel more powerful.
What would you be like of you could start all over again as a child? How would you behave and how much confidence would you have? Go to a place where no one knows you and pretend you are that version of yourself.
You have nothing to lose. The more you can use your imagination, the more you can become more authentic to who you really are.
Let go of the negative labels that other people have put upon you.
Most of the negative beliefs you have about yourself were something that another person told you. If you have ever been exposed to emotionally abusive people then there were some viruses put into your system.
These viruses tell you that you are not going to be able to achieve great things. These viruses are controlling your feelings about yourself and your potential.
Start small and see what you can do. The future is written by you …and you control your own story. You can question any beliefs that are keeping you down.
You can change your mind about what you think is true.
Taking time to play can bring you back to that magic that children have to be able to explore new ideas. If your old beliefs and behaviors are not getting you where you want to be, then what will it hurt to try something new?
Low self esteem.
Lack of being able to self generate feelings of self worth.
Fear of doing things that make other people upset, angry or disappointed.
Difficulty prioritizing oneself.
Trouble feeling motivated to get ahead in life.
These are some of the symptoms of C-PTSD from growing up with a narcissistic parent. Your subconscious brain is programmed very early about your identity, and your role in the family and your place in the world.
Associations are deep in the subconscious.
If you do not comply with the other person, there will be consequences to pay. If you cause someone to become upset , you will pay dearly.
People from more health families learn to look out for themselves. You learned that in order to protect yourself, you have to look out for others.
People from functional families were taught to be in touch with their own feelings and to love themselves.
If you were the child of a narcissist, you were taught to defend against the wrath f the narcissist by not expressing your own feelings. Eventually you began to have trouble identifying what you want at all.
As an adult this wiring in your brain keeps you from taking care of yourself properly.
You still have that hyper-vigilance that there is a threat of danger when someone near you is not getting their way.
You may have a fear of being abandoned by the people you love, if you consider your own needs to be equal to theirs. The longer you cater to the desires of other people, in a relationship, the more they come to expect that treatment from you.
People around you can become conditioned to expect you to always agree, always go along with them, and never challenge them.
One of the many problems of this “people pleaser” behavior is that it attracts narcissists and predators. Narcissists and psychopaths want easy prey or at least a victim that had obvious emotional wounds that they can use to use against you.
If you have never practiced standing up for yourself, then you have no idea how to do this, and you fear the consequences of doing so. What would happen to your relationships if you said “no” to someone?
What would happen to your world of you began to prioritize your own needs? What consequences would follow if you believed that your needs and ideas were just as valuable as those of the people in your life?
Well, you can see the people in the world who are not afraid to say “no.” You interact with them all the time. They say “no” to you all the time. These people are not all in the same category.
There are people who do what they want all the time. They never let people cross their boundaries. In fact, they cross over into your world and stomp all over your rights and invade your boundaries all the time.
These are the narcissists. You may have a fear of becoming like that. You do not want to become the parent that emotionally abused you. The very person that caused much of your difficulty in getting what you want out of life.
But there is another category of people who stand up for themselves. These are people that have healthy boundaries but still respect the rights of other people. They do not exploit and manipulate others.
They express their feelings and let people know what they want. They go after the things they want out of life and they consider their personal dreams, desires and emotions to be a high priority.
These are not narcissists. They do not use aggressive, emotionally manipulative communication. They do not covertly try to get emotional reactions from you, in order to exploit and control you.
There is a line between assertive and aggressive. You are being assertive when you express what you do and do not want.
You are being aggressive when you make it clear that you do not care what the other person wants. You undermine, lie to, and gaslight people to get your way.
Being assertive and having healthy boundaries does not have to injure other people.
You are not a bad person for looking out for yourself.
You are not a narcissist if you care about your own feelings and needs. You are a normal human being.
I will write about this topic again in the future. Please leave comments below about a specific question or particular problem that you have.
Give me some ideas about problems of having C-PTSD (complex PTSD) that you are dealing with.
I want to hear from adult children of narcissistic parents. Also from anyone that grew up under the heavy cloud of a narcissist in some capacity. It is not always a parent.
Also, if you feel that your ability to move forward and get momentum in life has been affected by narcissistic abuse, either during childhood or as an adult, please leave me any ideas about questions I can address in a future post.