What is “untherapy”? Untherapy is what I am calling one of the types of life coaching that I do. It is basically compassionate two-way dialogue between the coach and the client, in order to provide validation and kindness, which the client is in desperate need of in their lives.
Although untherapy is absolutely not a replacement for treatment by a mental health professional, untherapy can provide a complement to traditional, clinical therapy.
While clinical therapists are licensed to delve into past trauma and use CBT to deal with those traumas, the life coaching practitioner is able to talk to the client about current issues and mental blocks that are inhibited them from moving forward with their lives.
We can often get into times where we feel like we are carrying a weight our shoulders and we just cannot get traction to move forward with our lives. While life coaches cannot diagnose any mental illness, we can help with issues like perfectionism and anxiety that are inhibiting you from doing things you need to do in life.
Life coaching can help you with things like feeling stuck, lack of motivational energy and lack of clarity due to brain fog from anxiety.
We are trained to guide the client to find the best path for them, by listening and identifying key issues that are creating problems for you. When you are in the midst of a dark reality tunnel, it can be very difficult to see clearly enough to be able to identify these things on your own.
Validation is an extrememly important need for people these days. Especially people who are carrying C-PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, need validation about their reality. Years of bad programming by care givers can cause disorientation, low self esteem and lack of the ability to self generate feelings of self worth.
Life coaches are able to deal with self esteem, and self confidence issues, as they relate to present time situations.
So whereas therapists deal with the past situations which caused mental health problems, life coaches can offer compassionate conversation about your feelings and thoughts in the present time, in order to help you get some traction to move forward onto the path you want to create as you walk it.
I am calling my particular flavor of life coaching “untherapy” because I feel it is different, yet can be complementary, to traditional therapy.
I can speak with you in a less climical and more equal kind of way. The traditional therapist is trained to keep an emotional distance from the client wheras I am under no rules to keep emotionally distanced from you.
I am allowed to share any personal stories of mine that may help to validate and guide you. Life coaches are not restrcted to stay at arms length from the client and make you feel like a “sick” patient.
Just because someone has experienced a traumatic past does not mean there is something innately wrong with them.
There are just natural reactions of the brain to put up blocks, in order to protect you from further injury. These blocks sometimes served us in the past and are now inhibiting our ability to move forward and blossom.
The spiritual side of you is just as important as the mental and emotional sides.
Spiritual coaching is a branch of life coaching that deals with helping you find your inner spiritual voice, and to overcome any vibrational blocks to your spiritual healing of yourself. This is another option of untherapy. We will call it Spiritual Untherapy or Vibrational Untherapy.
I will be posting future posts about this new concept of coaching. I feel the word “coaching” sounds like something to do with sports, and that is why I wanted a different way of communicating the new compassionate based life coaching, by using the term untherapy.
I am interested to get comments on this post to see if I have fully explained this, in a way everyone can understand and relate to. I believe there is a distinct lack of compassion and validation for people that suffer from certain issues, such as C-PTSD and PTSD.
There are holistic methods to help with PTSD, that fall outside of traditional therapy. I can guide you through NLP imagery and hypnosis, for anxiety reduction and even physical pain management.
If you are interested in finding out more about my services, please visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com
I am thinking of doing some promotional “freebe” kinds of things coming up at that web site, so please add your name to the emailing list, in order to be sent any new promotions that you may enjoy participating in.
Many blessings for peace and happiness,
Step lightly and tread a gentle path
You never know what you are walking on
Until you are mindful of it as you go
Listen and see with watchful eyes
Your heart will speak the truth
Be open to seeing more than others
Tell you is around you because
There is always much more than
Your eyes can see if you rush
Breath in your surroundings to perceive
Without biases , without assuming
Things are what you are expecting
If you assume what is there…then
That is what you will see….
Presupposition can murder the senses
And dull your ability to see truth
Sometimes more beautiful than
The others can perceive it to be
And other times darker and more sinister
But see what you are able to see
Never allow others to do your seeing for you
Or give meaning to things without your consent
Your perception becomes your reality for the time you are perceiving it to be
You must see what you need to
And not let others influence you in a way that distorts your truth
Or tarnishes your vision
Walk gently and look freely
Choose your own meaning and feel your emotions
Your spirit is resilient but the mind can be interfered with …
If you are not mindful
Walk gently for you know not where you are walking
Or what you are stepping on
Unless you are aware as you go
Create your own manifestations, and build your own bridges to walk over the water
Until you can walk upon the water with faith…
And without fear
Do not bury your feelings or let others minimize them
Do not allow others to discount what you feel and what you know
Walk softly but speak the truth loudly when it is necessary
And speak the truth gently if it is harsh o
Have compassion when no one around you does
Believe in what is right when others turn their back
Always believe in yourself especially when others shun you
Believe in your intentions when others try to shut you down
What you see and what you feel is yours …and yours to value
Stand up when others have fallen
Stand up when others try to make you stay down
Live with kindness and speak with truth and light
If you let the darkness make you hard to see
The ones who need your light cannot find you
Your light is very important to the ones lost in the dark
Let fear be comforted by truth …
Not the truth of darkness…
But the truth of the light that is within you..
The light that sometimes barely breathes and flickers in the dark
But cannot be extinguished
Let your light comfort and inspire
Allow it to flicker like a flame…
Next to fear and sadness
To give them hope
Your light is always within you
Even in the darkest of times
When it is hard to see
No matter how small it may seem at times
Your light has great power and strength
Compassion will flame the fire
The light from the cell phone
Only partially illuminates the room
All else is silent but the wind
And the sound of the tiny clicks
that sound out loud
each time a letter is typed
The writing keeps me thinking
The writing stops me from thinking too much
About the darkness
The writing keeps me feeling
The writing keeps me from feeling too much
Of the darkness
The resonating echo of the clicks
Filling the emptiness of the room
Makes me feel some safety …
Something to frighten
the darkness away
To ward it off
To block it’s path
To distract my mind
To pretend it cannot reach me
But it’s all around
I can feel it rising
From the floors of the bedroom
To the top of the mattress
But I just keep typing
To hear the clicking
Of the cell phone keys in the dark
Because it isn’t the darkness
From the lack of light
That frightens me the very most
But the other darkness that rises
And closes all around me
That no one thinks is there
And no one else can see
Low self esteem.
Lack of being able to self generate feelings of self worth.
Fear of doing things that make other people upset, angry or disappointed.
Difficulty prioritizing oneself.
Trouble feeling motivated to get ahead in life.
These are some of the symptoms of C-PTSD from growing up with a narcissistic parent. Your subconscious brain is programmed very early about your identity, and your role in the family and your place in the world.
Associations are deep in the subconscious.
If you do not comply with the other person, there will be consequences to pay. If you cause someone to become upset , you will pay dearly.
People from more health families learn to look out for themselves. You learned that in order to protect yourself, you have to look out for others.
People from functional families were taught to be in touch with their own feelings and to love themselves.
If you were the child of a narcissist, you were taught to defend against the wrath f the narcissist by not expressing your own feelings. Eventually you began to have trouble identifying what you want at all.
As an adult this wiring in your brain keeps you from taking care of yourself properly.
You still have that hyper-vigilance that there is a threat of danger when someone near you is not getting their way.
You may have a fear of being abandoned by the people you love, if you consider your own needs to be equal to theirs. The longer you cater to the desires of other people, in a relationship, the more they come to expect that treatment from you.
People around you can become conditioned to expect you to always agree, always go along with them, and never challenge them.
One of the many problems of this “people pleaser” behavior is that it attracts narcissists and predators. Narcissists and psychopaths want easy prey or at least a victim that had obvious emotional wounds that they can use to use against you.
If you have never practiced standing up for yourself, then you have no idea how to do this, and you fear the consequences of doing so. What would happen to your relationships if you said “no” to someone?
What would happen to your world of you began to prioritize your own needs? What consequences would follow if you believed that your needs and ideas were just as valuable as those of the people in your life?
Well, you can see the people in the world who are not afraid to say “no.” You interact with them all the time. They say “no” to you all the time. These people are not all in the same category.
There are people who do what they want all the time. They never let people cross their boundaries. In fact, they cross over into your world and stomp all over your rights and invade your boundaries all the time.
These are the narcissists. You may have a fear of becoming like that. You do not want to become the parent that emotionally abused you. The very person that caused much of your difficulty in getting what you want out of life.
But there is another category of people who stand up for themselves. These are people that have healthy boundaries but still respect the rights of other people. They do not exploit and manipulate others.
They express their feelings and let people know what they want. They go after the things they want out of life and they consider their personal dreams, desires and emotions to be a high priority.
These are not narcissists. They do not use aggressive, emotionally manipulative communication. They do not covertly try to get emotional reactions from you, in order to exploit and control you.
There is a line between assertive and aggressive. You are being assertive when you express what you do and do not want.
You are being aggressive when you make it clear that you do not care what the other person wants. You undermine, lie to, and gaslight people to get your way.
Being assertive and having healthy boundaries does not have to injure other people.
You are not a bad person for looking out for yourself.
You are not a narcissist if you care about your own feelings and needs. You are a normal human being.
I will write about this topic again in the future. Please leave comments below about a specific question or particular problem that you have.
Give me some ideas about problems of having C-PTSD (complex PTSD) that you are dealing with.
I want to hear from adult children of narcissistic parents. Also from anyone that grew up under the heavy cloud of a narcissist in some capacity. It is not always a parent.
Also, if you feel that your ability to move forward and get momentum in life has been affected by narcissistic abuse, either during childhood or as an adult, please leave me any ideas about questions I can address in a future post.
Healing requires feeling
It is nature’s only way
the mental wounds
And closing them to stay
It seems too much to bear at first
Sometimes we want to quit
We regress to places past
And fear the future trauma
But healing always means feeling
There is no other path
That leads to growth of hearts
And makes us strong at last