What to Live For

Live for yourself. Create your reality. Listen to your inner voice. Nurture your inner child and your emotional wounds.

Live for the connection of all living things and for the value of life and existence.

Live for loving others. Do random acts of kindness. Search out special people to share intimate relationships with.  Passion and sensuality are part of being human and part of spirituality.

Live to love animals and nature. Be kind and mindful. Treat living things with respect and care.

Live for your visions, hopes and dreams. Be creative, inventive and original.

Live to fight against evil and injustice. Be the advocate for those who have no voice.

Teach others to be sometimes still, and other times to roar like a lion.

 

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

 

Choose Your Relationships with Wisdom ; Friendships and Partner Relationships

True friends will show you their love by being supportive and allowing you to follow your own path. They will listen to you without judgement when you talk to them. They will respect you as a person and not say things that lower your self esteem.

You can tell if you have a great friend by how you feel when you are with them. You should feel comfortable when you are with them and they should not do or say things to make you feel bad about yourself or to make you doubt yourself.

 Your self esteem should go up when you are with them and never down.

Rather than viewing your friendship by only  looking at things that your friend does, it is more important to think about how you feel. Even if someone does nice things for you but you still feel your self esteem lower when you are with them, then they may not be a good friend for you.

A friend is someone who you spend time with and while you are interacting with them, you feel good about yourself. In turn they should feel good about themselves when they are interacting with you.

There are certain combinations of people that are better together than others. No matter what, a good friend is someone who pulls you up mentally and emotionally. You can be yourself without fear of judgement. They want for you to be able to be yourself.

The same goes for intimate partner relationships.

No one can tell you that they are a good partner for you.  They cannot decide for you that they are good to you.  Only you know whether you feel good when you are interacting with someone. You always know yourself better than anyone else does. 

There are certain kinds of manipulative people that will tell you that they are good to you because they did this or that fav or for you. They will try to convince you that they are a good person for you and that you should appreciate them. 

Someone telling you that they are good to you does not mean that it is true.

Some people just decide what they think you want and need. Other people intentionally try to control and manipulate you. A real friend will ask you and pay attention to what you need, what you like and what how you feel.

If you are in a relationship and you are not sure if it is good for you, one way to evaluate the relationship is to pay attention to how you feel mentally and emotionally. Here are a few situations to think about.

In order for this to help you, it has to be done in a way that is honest with yourself. Think about it objectively like a science experiment and you are having to gather data. What are the actual emotional feelings and also feelings in the body.

  1. When the person tells you that they are on their way over to your house, do you feel anxious and upset? Do you feel relaxed or excited? Are you looking forward to this visit or are you secretly hoping they will not come?
  2. When you hear the text message sound on your phone, how do you feel i your body? Tune in to your body and think about the sensations that occur. Do you get butterflies in a good way? Do you get twisted knots in your stomach?
  3. What words are said in your head when you hear the text sound? Do you say “Oh no” or do you rush to the phone thinking “I hope I can talk to them”
  4. How do you feel when you hear their car pull up in the driveway? Does your body react in a way that feels uncomfortable? Do you get a rush of dopamine and feel good?
  5. How do you feel when your partner is in the house with you? How does this compare to how you feel when they are not there? Do you feel anxious or nervous when they are in the house? Do you feel safer and comfortable when they are in the house?
  6. How do you feel when you hear your partner coming closer to the room you are in? What is the first thought that goes through your head when you hear your partner? 
  7. When you have to make a decision about something that you will have to relay to your partner, how do you feel? Does the thought of having to tell them you made a decision make you worry about how they will react? Do you feel that they will respect your decision and you ability to make decisions? Do you have fear or anxiety about what they will say?
  8. How comfortable do you feel sleeping when they are in the house? Do you feel safe to be vulnerable and sleep?
  9. If you accomplish something like getting a promotion, how do you feel when you think about telling your partner? Are you looking forward to telling them? Are you nervous about telling them?
  10. How do you feel when you make a mistake about something they wanted you to do? If you cannot make them the dinner they requested because you forgot one ingredient at the store, are you afraid of how they will react?

The above list are some of the questions that can help you to get a more objective perspective about the relationship. You can think of some of your own to add, if you like.

No one should ever be afraid of their partner, friend or family member. You should not always have anxiety and nervousness around them. If you are afraid to be near someone then it should be a red flag. This includes being afraid of feeling embarrassed or criticized or being made to feel bad in any way.

You should not feel like spending time with them is taxing, draining or lowers your self esteem. You should be able to maintain feelings of self worth when you are around them. 

The relationships should have balance.

You should not spend more time thinking about how to please someone than you spend thinking about yourself. They should not always be focused on what they need and neglect your needs. 

Discussing any problems in the relationship should allowed and not make you feel afraid of any punishment, including emotional punishment.

 What I mean by that is that you should not feel that you cannot express your feelings about the relationship to them. If there is a problem you should be able to speak about it without the fear of angering them or the fear of them leaving or threatening to leave you.

Friendships and partner relationships should be positive and have the effect of building up your identity. You should not be losing your identity or feel like it is being taken over by someone.

You should not feel overshadowed or dominated by a friend, a partner or a family member. 

Each person should have a separate identity and an equally important role in the relationship that is valued and appreciated. You need to spend time with people who allow you to be the best You that you can be.

Soul Mates

I ended up in a conversation a couple of weeks ago about the possibility of the existence of one soul mate for each person. Personally  this concept does not make sense in the way that people usually mean it.

But I do believe that I have been with  soul mates of mine, twice in my life. They were people that saw me for who I truly was and understood my intent behind things. They got to know me very well and could usually predict how things would make me feel. They were there for me when and in the way I needed them to be. They were each of them, my best friend, at the time I was with them.

The concept of a soul mate is usually that there is one true perfect match for each person. No other person other than the soul mate could be the right one for you.

If there is one soul mate on the entire earth, then what are the chances you would ever run into them? What are the chances they even live in your country, never mind your city? If there is only one match per person, I would say we are all doomed to me lonely forever.

But what if there are many possible soul mates for each of us? I am not saying that there are 200 guys in your town that would be a great match for you. But there is probably one in France, one in Alaska, one in California and one in your state somewhere, maybe….or maybe not. Maybe they are farther away.

Before the internet, people married their high school sweethearts. Being that I work with elderly people, I have run into many old people that did , in fact , marry their high school sweetheart or at least someone from their city or town.

People did not have the ability to search high and low, all over the country for a mate.  There was no Match,com or E-Harmony,com or Dharma Match,com They did not have social media and al this  stuff.

If their soul mate was not right nearby, then they would likely never meet them. This whole way of meeting people that live in other states, across the country around the world,, is all new.  There have been many  more matches made between local people over all the years people have been dating, than there have been online matches.

So where does that leave us, with the question? If there is only one soul mate per person, how does it make any sense that they have been finding each other all these many years? Is this the only generation that has been able to find their soul mates, due to the social media?

Even the internet dating is a long shot! Do you know how many dating sites there are? Everyone does not even use them. How could you end up finding this one person? (on a side note…Dharma Match is a good one)

The high school sweetheart stories I have heard, often had happy endings. The old people I talk to tell me that they liked this person, they thought they were handsome or pretty and they decided to make it work.  They decided to make it work by deciding to love each other and respect each other. They turned each other into their soul mate, with an intent to do so.

Let’s say you have been looking for a match in your town and suddenly you have to move to another state for a better job…Are you now doomed to not find your match? Was he in your home town and now you have left him?

No, come on. There is surely someone that you can have a soul mate match with, in the new city. It is more of matter of the intent of both people. If you find someone who you like to be with, they listen to you and understand you, they laugh and cry with you…Then I think it is possible that you can connect with them It matters what the intent is in their heart and in yours.

Relationships  are built. They are built with friendship. They are built on trust and having each other’s back. They are built on reliability, compassion and kindness and understanding.  There are likely to be multiple people around the world that you could build a relationship with and feel like soul mates with each other.

It is a matter of intent and creation. You create the relationship together over time.

have fun on your adventure. I do not believe “the ends justifies the means”.  Quality of life and quality of character is all about the  “means”. It is what you do along the path that truly matters.

Namaste,

Annie

How Bootsie the Cat Reminded me That Time is Precious

One of my favorite older ladies that I take care of at work came back from the hospital a few days ago. This was the first time I had had a chance to see her, since she came home.  She was out for almost a month.

For this post I will call her Lucy.  (That   “had had”  looks wrong doesn’t it? but I think it is correct…)

Lucy has a beautiful multi-colored cat. His name is Bootsie, because he has white feet that stand out against the other brownish colors on his legs.

He is usually independent  and not overly cuddly.  He will come up to give me a quick hello, and then he will go and get on with his kitty cat business.

Lucy always told me that Bootsie slept in his cat bed on the floor and seldom slept in the bed with her. She wanted him to sleep on the bed, but he would come up for a goodnight petting, and then wisk himself away to his kitty bed.

Well, while Lucy was out, we were all taking turns to feed Bootsie and make sure he had water. I know the other nurses and aides were feeding him, but most of them were not really petting or visiting with him. Poor Bootsie…

Whenever I had that floor as my assignment, I always went in to visit with Bootsie. It was clear that he missed having Lucy around, and he was confused and scared about why he was alone all day and all night.

He became more affectionate as te days went on,  and began to brush up against my legs and purr at me. I really tried to make an effort to go visit him and I enjoyed our little quiet visits as well. It got me away from the hustle and bustle of the facility for a few minutes, as I “hid out” in the room with Bootsie.

The other aides were giving him the dry food, but the cans of wet food, were still on the counter. So, I began opening one for him each night when I was working there on that assignment. Sometimes I would go up to that floor, even if I was not assigned there.  i would open his canned food and to sit with him for a few minutes.

Whenever I went to see him, he would come up to me right away and talk to me in his kitty language. He would brush against my legs and let me pet him. I would sit on the kitchen floor and stay with him for 5-10 minutes or whatever I could spare.

Well, I saw Lois today and she was happy to see me. I told her that we had been taking care of Bootsie and she said that she could tell that we had been. She was very thankful for the care that had given her precious treasure.

Then she said to me that there had been a change in Bootsie, since she had come back.  Bootsie, the aloof kitty cat, was now a cuddy and super affectionate kitty cat!  He has slept on her bed every night since Lucy arrived home.

She told me that he laid next to her last night and was touching her face gently, with his paw. He has not left her side since she came home. When she leaves the room to come down for dinner, he runs right up to her when she returns to the room.

It is amazing how much our pets feel for us. They are kind of like people,  in that we take each other for granite until something happens. Then it scares us a little and we realize that the person we love may not always be there.

We suddenly find time, where there was no time before. We realize that it is important to prioritize relationships in our lives. We have people (and pets) in our lives and it is important to show them that we care.

So, I thought this was a sweet story and I was looking forward to coming home tonight to tell you all about it.

Lucy is so happy that she now has a cuddly kitty!

But if Bootsie is anything like people are, the novelty will wear off and he will be back to sleeping in the cat bed again. We will see. Time will tell…

It is a good lesson for us to remember to appreciate the loved ones in our lives and not to take them too much for granite. That goes for our animals as well. It is easy to get busy with life and to overlook times when we do actually  have a moment that we could take for someone else.

There is time to spend together, even if it is in small doses and there is time to let each other know how much we appreciate each other. Even a little extra time with out pet can easily be worked into our schedule.

So, go hug your kids and kiss somebody ! Give your pet a few extra minutes of time. It is good for you as well as for them.

It is not so much that we do not have the time, it is that we forget that time is precious. There is always time for kindness.

How to Resist the Urge to Call Your Abusive Ex

How to stop thinking about your ex and how to resist the urge to call them or take them back. This is a typical psychological thing that many people go through. This happens when you are a teenager and it happens to adults.

When you are in a relationship and the person is up close, you see all of the things that they are made up of. You see both the good and the bad. The bad things are right in your face.

If they were abusive to you, then you remember the things that they did to you, at first. Once a few days or a few weeks pass, it is common for our brains to begin to filter our the bad things about them. We will start to remember the good things for a few reasons.

One reason is that we are not alone and we feel lonely. We begin to think that maybe they were not that bad and maybe we should be more tolerant of their behaviors. We remember the nice things that they said and did for us.

We forget the bad things or they get fuzzier in our minds. We forget how frequently those things happened and we forget how badly they made us feel.

 It seems that there were more good things that bad things and the bad things were not that bad anyway. Right?

NO, This is not right. If your partner was abusive, disrespectful, cruel, inconsiderate, sarcastic, jealous, manipulative, dominating, selfish or a anything else like this, then those behaviors were most of the time. People are not just sarcastic and mean once on a while.

If they made comments to make you feel like you were less than them in any way, or that your needs were less important than theirs, then they were like that all the time. There may have been times, at the beginning of the relationship when they masked those feelings, of being more important than you.

But the feelings they have about themselves being dominant over you were always there within them.

Do not let your memories play tricks with you. How many times did they really do something nice for you? Were they standing to gain from it,  in any way? How much did they remind you of the nice thing that they did for you?

If they had to remind you about the time that they  did something nice for you, then maybe they did it for that reason. They did that one nice thing, so that when you asked them to do something for you, they could say …”But I did something nice for you last month…”

Maybe you needed to talk to them about something and they said , “I am always listening to you. I listened to you for 2 hours that one time. You cannot dominate all the conversations. I have to get a turn too.”

Sound familiar? If it does , then don’t go back to them. Your needs will never matter and they want the entire relationship to focus only on themselves.

They want to do 1 nice thing for you,,,and then ask for 100 things from you.

Then they might throw in 1 nice thing for you. The  they will remind you about how nice they were to you that 1 time, every time you want to make any requests about the relationship or talk about your relationship in any way.

They will not give you are turn to talk about things going on with with you,  They will not give you a turn to talk about the relationship itself.

If any of this is true about your ex, then don’t call them.  They are a narcissist and you will only cause yourself injury by reconnecting with them in any way.

The brain wants to remember the good things, The brain does not want to retraumatize itself by remembering the times your ex screamed at you, humiliated you, embarrassed you, and manipulated you by making you fear that they would leave you…or give you the silent treatment.

You have to make your brain remember things in a realistic manner.  Make yourself remember the mean things they did and how thoughtless they were.

Do you really want to live that way again?

How did it feel to have to walk on eggshells all of the time, because you were afraid to make them angry at you?

How did you feel about yourself , that they were controlling what you said and what you did not say?

How many times did you want to discuss something with them, but you held it inside because you feared their response to it? How many times did you sacrifice your own needs for theirs? How much did you lose, in the relationship?  What did you gain?

When you feel like you want to call your ex and you are remembering only the good things about them, try this. Make a list if 5-10 things that you really disliked that they did to you. Then make a list of things they said or did to others, that made you feel uncomfortable.

Here is a list for an example

1. Told me to always call him before interacting in any business situation, so that he could make sure my state of mind was okay and also so he could instruct me about what to say. This was for my Protection.

Then when I told him ahead of time that something like that was coming up he….made sure he was busy and unavailable to talk to me. Then made a point of my finding out that he had spent that time talking to someone else, about something unimportant and not urgent.

2. Insisted that I do work to help him with his company. Even insisted that I get on the computer late at night, telling me it was an emergency and had to done  right now. Then the next day, when I asked him how it worked out, he said “Oh I did not do anything with that work you did yet. I can’t just drop  everything I am doing to do that. You should be more concerned for me and less concerned about your ego and how your ideas worked out.

3. Threatened to be feeling suicidal, anytime I said anything that he did not want to deal with.  Said that too much anxiety from me was going to cause him to want to kill himself.

4. Gave me money for the work I did for the company, one time, by crumpling up bills and throwing them on the table in the diner we were eating in. I felt like a prostitute picking up the bills, in front of the people in the diner, and putting them in an orderly fashion again.

I asked him not to give me money by crumpling it onto the table like that. I told him that it made me feel cheap and also they it felt like he resented paying me for the work. He then grumbles something about how everyone wants money from him.

I had not even asked for the money in the first place. He paid me the first few times, after I had done like 30 hours of work and paid me for about 5 hours of it. After the first 2 months of the relationship, he never paid me for work. I did not want to ask him, because the memory of the crumples dollars on the table made me feel like a prostitute if I asked him to pay me.

SO, I worked for him whenever he asked and neglected my own work that I needed to do. Any time I told him I needed to work on my own small business ideas, he made me feel guilty that he needed more help than I did. In the mean time, he has much more money than I do and I am barely able to buy the groceries I need each week.

5. He was rude to waitressed, hotel clerks and taxi drivers and made me feel embarrassed at his behavior to these people that he considered “lower than himself”

6. He insisted that I call him back right away, but got angry if I took too long to call him.

7. He would schedule “together time” for us and then spend the entire time ignoring me or making me work.

8. Anytime I felt upset or sad about something, he told me I was in post traumatic stress and that I was really upset about something someone had done in my past. I was not really upset with him, because he could not possibly have done anything.

9. He left me standing outside in the streets of New York City. This was after I had told him that   I was afraid of the city. He left me standing on the street alone, while he brought things up to his office. He would not take me up to the office. He just left me there by myself for 10 minutes, even after i told him I was very afraid.

10. He jumped out of my car once, because he was too impatient to wait for the light to change. I was about to make the turn for the restaurant. I could see he was about to open the door to the car. I told him it made me uncomfortable for people to just jump out of my car, in the middle of traffic. I asked him to wait and we were about 30 seconds from parking. But he jumped out anyway . Then I parked at the restaurant and sat in the car and cried. he actually ordered and ate, leaving me in the car.

Now, I do not want to call him. The urge had passed. You try it. I bet it will keep you from calling them.

Call My Name Out if You Need Me

Call my name, when you awaken

I will be right by your side

Call my name out

when you are shaken

by some terrible dream in the night

Call my name out loud…

or whisper…

Both are just the same

For when you reach out

to me for help

I will always care the same

Value Each Moment With People You Choose

Focus on the person right in front of you

Pay attention to the things that they say

Discover who they are and how they feel

Decide if your time is worth spending with them

Be decisive and clear with yourself

If you decide to be with them

Then give them this moment of your time

Value the moment to the full extent that you can

Learn more about them and see what they see

Find something in common to connect on

Learn how they are similar and struggle the same

Validate them so they are not alone

Learn what is different about their life than yours

Add this learning into your scope of understanding

Every person you choose to connect with

Can open yours eyes to new ways

To view the world as they see it

Each person you spend a moment with

Can give you a great gift of a new perspective

That may enlighten your soul and invigorate your mind

It is like reading a book and seeing what the characters see

Experiencing the world from the character’s point of view

Everyone has a different story and a view that’s unique

You can add little pieces of them to yourself

The more you really listen and are open to learn…

the more you will gain for yourself

New knowledge and new ways of seeing things

Every moment has potential for new possibilities

If you hold the moments dear to your heart

See Me, Love Me

See me

For who I am

What I believe in

What my intent is

Know me

For what I love

What I fear

What i need

Like me

For how I laugh

How I play

How I share

Experience me

For how I listen

How I see

How I touch

Join me

In growing close

Making memories

Creating magic

Love me

For how I think

How much  I give

How I understand you

Hold My Hand Ten Times

Hold my hand one time

My companion and my listener

Hold my hand two times

My consoler and my validator

Hold my hand three times

My shelter from the storm

Hold my hand four times

My medicine man and healer

Hold my hand five times

My friend and confidant

Hold my hand six times

My supporter and biggest fan

Hold my hand seven times

My strong and handsome man

Hold my hand eight times

My muse and inspiration

Hold my hand nine times

My hope and adoration

Hold my hand ten times

My lover and my soul mate

The reason I stay up late

Thief ….Sound recording of my Poem about domestic mental abuse and violence

Thief

This is the link to my recording of my poem Thief

You stole my mind

Just for a time

The things you did

Should be a crime

You tore me down

You crushed my soul

You tortured my brain

With the lies you told

You twisted truth

Till I could not tell

What was up

 what was down

What was normal

What was hell

It lingers still

In the dark of the night

In the edges of my brain

Where you planted your dark light

The doubts of myself

The fear of new pain

There are parts that you broke

In my poor injured brain

I am glad that I left

I wish that you were really gone

But you’re still in my mind

When the lights

Are not on

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