domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

The Mother’s Day Video I Made for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

I made this video late the night of mother’s day. I really did not get it posted until after midnight on mother’s day. It was the best I could do considering the day I had.

This video is a validation for the victims of abuse who may have mixed emotions on mother’s day. Some still have to deal with the abuser on holidays, because they have kids together. Some people were abused by a narcissistic mother, as I was.

There are a lot of mothers who were abused by a narcissist and this has an effect on their feelings on mother’s day. Many women are now in severe financial situations due to the relationship with the narcissist. They cannot provide for their children the way they would like to. I feel like that myself.

The lack of financial resources, proper housing and proper necessities, cause a lot of guilt in mothers, even if the cause was that they were abused.

There are a lot of people that will not hear from their mother on mother’s day because their mother was abusive. EIther the mother has cut of contact or the daughter has cut off contact. In my case, my other stopped taking calls from me years ago. It is a long story but I am better off with No Contact with her.

So, seeing all the other people celebrating mother’s day, when it is not a happy day for you, can cause feelings of sadness and alienation.

I was both in the position of having to remember my mother on mother’s day and all the trauma I went through from her abuse…and I also am in this financial devastation from past abusers having stunted my abilities and undermined me. So, by the time I thought of making this video, it was the  night of mother’s day.

I have had a couple of comments and a reblog of this video on YouTube and I was happy about that. People who have been through abuse need to feel validated by other people who have gone through it.  It makes them feel less crazy themselves.

animals, house rabbits, pet bunnies, pet bunny, pets

Annie’s Therapy Bunny

20150324_022241This is my bunny. I call him Bunny because my daughter named him Lucky but that name never really stuck. It did not suit him, once we got to know him.

My daughter rescued him from getting hit by cars in the street last summer. My younger daughter, who was 11 at the time, was very surprised when her sister and I went to Quick Check for coffee and came home with the bunny.

She was scared of him for a few weeks, but eventually she became more interested in getting to know him. Now she loves him and loves to feed him and p lay with him

My older daughter was 17 at the time we got him. She is the one who gave me the puppy dog eyes of “Mom….please…”

But now we all love the bunny who we call Bunny.

blogger awards, blogging

Nominees for the Liebster Award

Liebster Award Nominees

liebster21Liebster Award pink

These are my nominees for the Liebster Award. I made all the links live, in case you want to check any of them out.

liebster-award flowersliebster-award

For the nominees, feel free to copy the badge and paste it on your pages. I put all of the badges that I had , so you can choose the one you like for your blog.

The rules of the award are in the post that I wrote here, called Liebster Award.  If you have any questions after reading the post, feel free to contact me in the comments of this post or that one. 

Heather’s Helpers

Beautiful Oblivion

Souldier Girl

imogengroome

Beth can Reflect

A Mark of Love

Behind the Wall

First Launch

Putting Down the Bottle

Obsessively Perfect Girl

Nominees…If you choose to accept this mission….please do the following,,,This message will self destruct in 5…4…3…2…boom ! ‘Just kidding, you can eat it, in order to dispose of the evidence .

1. Please write a Liebster Award post and let the readers know who nominate you and include a link to their blog,

2. The write ten random facts about yourself for the post.

3. Also answer the questions which I wrote for you for  to answer Here .

 You can also see my original Liebster award here 

 4. Then select 10 bloggers to give the award to and do the same process as I did for you.

Feel free to ask me any questions.

Here are your questions. Please copy and paste , and answer them in your award post.

Click on the Link Here for the questions for you   to your post and then fill in the answers, as you wish for Your Questions. You can copy and paste them 

Click on the link Here to see my Answers to the Questions that were Given to Me and my ten random facts about myself

domestic abuse, life, narcissistic abuse, top 10 list, top ten list

Time Once Again for Annie’s Top 10 Random Thoughts List

It it time once again, bum bum bum buuuum….for an Annie’s Top Ten Random Stream of Consciousness Thoughts List. Yay !

So, here we go.

1. I never stick to 10 things, so I  wonder if I will this time…

2. You can try to make a list like this yourself. It is just a free flow list, for you to see what things are running through your head, and also what things just pop into your head.

3. I have been listening to affirmation audio files, that are from Spartan Life Coach. This course is called “Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse”  I really like the audio affirmations,

.4. My favorite affirmation from the tapes is….”I no longer allow people to use me,  in order to feel what it is that they need to feel”

5. This course is designed to help deal with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. It is made up of a combination of videos, audios and written exercises. I think it is really great and is helping me to feel less anxiety already.

6. Another affirmation he gives is “I do not expect to find compassion and empathy were there is none.”  I am letting go of my expectation of compassion, where I know there is none.

7. These are great things to learn and to understand. The more you keep looking for compassion and empathy, where there is none, the more we torment ourselves and allow abusers to torment us.

8. In the audios, he talks about observing people’s behavior in a calm and detached way, when they are acting in a way to try to drive you into a certain negative emotional state. When you observe them, from a detached point of view, then it becomes more difficult for them to suck you into the emotional state that they want to cause in you.

9. I find that the more I study and learn about a variety of subjects, the better my brain works in general. This is important when I need to be able to asses people and situations. The ability to think faster and better, is helpful in everything I do.

10. Instead of us getting set in our ways, perhaps it is better for us to keep an open mind about the nature of things. If we still see things the way we saw them 10 years ago, then what have we learned. Life should be an ongoing learning process and we should be open to things that there are to learn.

11. This is eleven, I could have stopped at 10, but that would not have been as fun.

12. I wonder where the blog awards came from. I looked up the origin of peer blog awards and I could not find anything. I only found info about more official awards.

Does anyone know how the Versatile Blogger Award or the Liebster Award was started, when they were started or who started them? I was just curious.  I think that I would like to start one of my own. It  would be fun to start it and then track what happens with it.

13. Oh no ! I should not end on 13. But the number 13 is not one of the things I fear. You can make your own list now. ❤

Lots of love,

Annie

blog awards, blogging, mental health, mental illness, writing

Nominees for the Creative Bloggers Award

creativebloggersaward1

These are my nominations for the Creative Bloggers Award

I have taken the time to make each of the blog titles below clickable. Please check out some or all of them. These are all creative in different ways.

If you have been nominated, I will also contact you on your blog. You can copy and paste the badge from the top of this post. Other details about the rules are in my Creative Blogger Post Here. 

Ladybug Creations 

  –  Young Woman Artist / Blogger Lot’s of Talent and Heart !  Take Some Time to Enjoy  Her Beautiful Drawings ! Here is her drawing of Elsa from Frozen.

Broken Light A Photography Collective  – 

– A mental illness advocacy blog. showcasing the photography talents of people with various mental illnesses. Check out the talented artistic photographers. The posts are organized by the type of mental illness being depicted in each photograph. Pick Your Poison, so to speak ! Which one of your mental illnesses would you like to see an artistic rendition of? I really enjoy this blog and I just came across it yesterday. Communicating about how mental illness feels is great through writing, but the artistic version has a visual element that writing does not capture.

John Coyote ..Poetry, Story and Real Life –

– John’s blog is filled with wisdom, inspiration and truth. His poems and stories reveal the deepest inner turmoil, darkness and light of the human condition. I find the blog both intellectually stimulating as well as artistically satisfying. There are wonderful stories of American Native Wisdom and Spirituality that speak to the soul in a meaningful way.

Kelzbelz Photography –  

– Her blog features stunning photography which makes me feel passion and emotion when I see it. Her photographs can lose you in them. She has some writing here that about her struggles that many of you will relate to in some way.  There are also some wonderful drawing called Zentangles. Take a look at her lovely photographs and artwork.

Butch Country , Life and Love on the Canadian Prairies 

–  A windowed man shares his struggles as a now single Dad. Transparency, honesty, real love and compassion, and resilience of one man, as he tries so hard to do the job of two, when his soul mate is no longer able to help him. There is great depth to this blog and I think you will find that it speaks to something inside of you.

May Desert Flower –

– Such lovely poetry and others of it will touch into the sad and fearful places in your mind. Very real and honest, creative and artistic. Love, pain, beauty all rolled into one lovely blog. One of my favorite poems is here.

Ishallrhyme – 

– This is a wonderful poetry blog. The poems are timeless and easy to relate to. They touch the heart and inspire creativity for my own poetry. Here is one of my favorite poems of this called Stay Still.

Blahpolar Diaries – 

-this is a blog dedicated to bipolar disorder awareness. It is very creative and has a variety of types pf posts, to keep it interesting to read. There is a recurring LinkDump where the author gives us a variety of different articles, poetry, songs and other bipolar related links. There are personal posts as well as informative posts. This blog has more interaction in the comment section than I have seen in other blogs. This is because the posts open up communication between the writer and the readers…and also the readers with each other.

Learning to Live and Appreciate Life – 

-this is a blog by a young blogger. The blog is about balancing life experiences with meditation, peace of mind and mindfulness. This is a newer blog that I see lots of potential in. This  blog has possibilities of reaching and helping  many people. There is a personal aspect of dealing with OCD and how to use mindfulness practice to deal with that struggle.

Healing Your Grief – 

This blog is about healing from various types of grief. Everyone experiences grief of some kind, during their lives. Sometimes it can be over a death and it can also be grief over the loss of our former selves or our dreams. This blog has a variety of posts and is laid out in a creative and interesting way. Here one  my favorite posts called    Feeling Our Emotions

Inner Dragon – 

This is an excellent blog that has an eclectic variety of sections. There are posts about mental illness, personal posts, original cartoons (mental illness themed), poetry, and a music section. The focus topics are depression, aspergers, OCD and ptsd from domestic abuse. It is honest and there is a of interaction in the comment section between the author and the readers. Here is the comic that made me feel a little better on Christmas day, because I realized that I was not the only person that felt like this on Christmas. 

The Never Ending Path – 

-this blog is for writers and is mainly focused on writing fiction. There are valuable articles about improving fiction writing and blogging. It is by the up and coming author OzarkScyfyWriter

The Musings of Puppy Doc – 

– This is a very interesting blog that speaks of humanity, compassion and kindness to living things. The author is a doctor, a musician, a poet, an animal lover and a great lady. The blog has a variety of things including human interest, photography, humor, and wonderful poetry. Definitely one of my favorite bloggers, here !

adult children of alcoholics, battered women, depression, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental disorders, mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse, ptsd, single mom, single mother, suicude, women's issues, wounded healer, wounded healers

SHAME …Why do Victims of Abuse Carry the Shame?

Carrying shame with us is possible the single most devastating, caustic thing that can happen. We must find our way out of shame, because it will destroy is by crushing our self esteem and keeping us incapacitated, by self doubt and a feeling if unworthiness.

Shame is an emotion and it is a state of mental trauma. Any type of severe trauma can cause us to carry shame. In turn “shame” itself can cause mental trauma. Most often, a mental state of “shame” was brought on by others who intentionally manipulated and traumatized us into feeling unworthy and shameful.

Shame, according to Wikipedia

Shame is a negative, painful, social emotion that can be seen as resulting “…from comparison of the self’s action with the self’s standards…”.[1] but which may equally stem from comparison of the self’s state of being with the ideal social context’s standard.  Wikipedia

So, shame is made up of…

1. a person’s personal feeling about who they “should be”

and

2. the person’s feeling about “who they are”

3. When the perception of “who you are” does not meet your standards of “who you should be” then the result is feeling shameful, for not having the ability to be the person that you “should be.”

Who should you be? Where do our concepts of our “perfect selves” come from? Are the reasonable? Do these ideals of who we “should be” come from our own minds? Or were they projected onto us by others?

Also, where does our perception of “who we are” come from? Are we really seeing our true selves?  Are we seeing ourselves through our own eyes ? Or are we seeing ourselves in an untrue way, through the eyes of society? Are we seeing ourselves the way other people say they see us?

Are we perceiving ourselves through the eyes of society and the stigma and misconceptions of society?

Are we still seeing ourselves from the eyes of our abuser? Are we really worthless and stupid?  Are we doomed to never do any better in life than we are doing? Or are we confusing our true potential with the twisted ideas that some abuser fed to us?

The problem with people who have experienced abuse, is that they were manipulated at the deepest levels of their brains.  People who were abused as children were made to feel worthless from a very young age. The natural developmental stages of self conception and identity were damaged.

People that in domestic abuse, were emotionally and mentally damaged. The abuser uses mind manipulation to make the person feel useless and stupid. The narcissists forces a fictitious reality on their victim and this reality changes.

The abuser changes the reality, constantly on order to manipulate the victim. If the victim buys something that the abuser wants at the store, the abuser may hide it. Then they will call the victim stupid for forgetting to buy the item at the store.

This reality manipulation over time, has the effect of confusing the victim about their own sense of reality. After the victim leaves the domestic abuse situation, they still have a feeling of shame and worthlessness. It takes time before the person will be able to see the proper perspective about who they are.

If we have been abused, we do not have the same sense of ease in feeling “normal.” We feel different that other people and often do not feel like we “fit in.” That sense of shame that we experienced during abuse, still looms over us.

Nineteenth century scientist Charles Darwin, in his book The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, described shame affect as consisting of blushing, confusion of mind, downward cast eyes, slack posture, and lowered head… Wikipedia

This quote by Darwin is interesting to me, in that he describes the physical and mental appearance of shame. He describes the physical manifestation of shame to be “downcast eyes, lowered head”..

When I was living in an abusive relationship, I got comments a few times from people, that I looked down when a man entered the room. I was not aware that I did this at the time.

Actually it was one of my hospice patients that first pointed it out to me. She noticed that when a male aide came into the room to assist me, I lowered my head and looked down. I would not make eye contact with him.

As soon as the man left the room, my female patient said to me “Never! Never, look down when you meet a man! You are just as good as them. You are taking in a submissive posture with men and you should not.”

I was very surprised that I had done this and not even been aware of it. After that incident, I tried to be mindful of my body language with men and women, at least just to be aware of what message I was sending. Also to be aware of how I felt about men.

It is amazing that a woman on her death bed was so mindful and caring about me, that she noticed this and “scolded” me about it. It hurt her to see me be submissive to men like that. She was seeing into the future and how that submissiveness was going to harm me.

This lady knew nothing about the fact that I was living in an abusive relationship. It was purely an outside perspective.

Clearly, at that time, I felt afraid of men and my way of protecting myself was to take on the “submissive” posture. I also had a feeling if needing to protect my face from being hit. The downward position of my head, made me feel safer.

Psychiatrist Judith Lewis Herman had theories about shame as it related to childhood abuse. Her studies were about how a person from childhood abuse sees themselves through the eyes of their abusers.

toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse. Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame. Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with.[18] Judith Lewis Herman

Abusers tell their victims to feel shame. They shame them by verbally abusing them, mentally torturing them, sexually violating them and / or otherwise physically harming them. There is no physical abuse without mental abuse.

There is no sexual abuse without mental abuse. The damage to a person, goes into their identity, their self esteem and their ability to view themselves in a “normal” way.

What I mean by “normal” is to be able to view yourself on a scale of reality based levels. What you are worth to yourself, and other people should be based on the person that you are. When a victim views themselves through the eyes of the abusers, they will always have a feeling of secret shame.

It is hard to break the brain patterns that were inflicted upon you by your abusers. You are worthy! You are important! You matter! Those are the true things that you need to know and believe!

Your abuser did not want you to know that you were a worthy and special person. They may not even have wanted to know that themselves, because it was easier for them to abuse you if they thought of you as “inhuman” rather than a real person.

You are a real person ! you are just as valuable and worthy of love as anyone ! Over time we can heal from these wounds. The PTSD (post traumatic stress) will never go away entirely. The past history of abuse will never go away. It is something we have to live with for the rest of our lives.

Instead of trying to crush it down, push the memories into the deepest recesses of our minds, we need to be ourselves and connect with others who will understand. We need to support and validate each other.

Together we can heal to a point where we can function better. Together we can create a community of support and love, that will uplift each and every one of us. Together we can turn our trauma around and use what we have learned to help others”

Together, we can be the “Wounded Healers!”

dysfunctional family, family, life, mental abuse, mental health, top 10 list, top 10 list funny, top ten list, top ten list funny, wellness

Top Ten Things You Cannot Do About Annoying Relatives !

We might like to, but we cannot…

10. Drop them off at a random bus station and say “good luck!”

9. Change our phone number, but keep telling them they are dialing the number  wrong.

8. Turn out the lights and hide behind the door, like they do in “What About Raymond?” tv show

7. List them on Craig’s List under the “Please Take … Free…you haul”   section

6. Send a postcard from where you go on vacation and tell them you moved there

5. Have a remote control that plays the CD Player really loud, and hit the button every time they start to criticize you or give you annoying advice

4. Fake a doctor’s note that you have suddenly become deaf and cannot talk on the phone or even hear them when they are speaking directly to you

3. Take them back for a refund !

2. Exchange them for a new hair dryer

1. Change your name and identity and move to another state