Dealing with a Toxic Parent

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Dealing with a toxic parent is frustrating and it can interfere with your personal life. 

Setting boundaries with them can feel impossible. You don’t know whether to go low contact or no contact with them. The feelings driving you are coming from your subconscious belief system that has been conditioned into you by the parent, and society. 

You may feel like you are taking the more noble path by continuing to cater to them, but you are being driven by habits that have been repeated since your childhood. Thought behaviors and conditioned emotions drive your choices. 

You can override your conditioned patterns, but you have to identify what false beliefs you are holding first. 

For more information and help, visit the gentlekindnesscoaching web site, and follow me on the facebook page.

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Shamanic Approach to Healing from Emotional Abuse

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soul retrieval drumming

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I recently came across the Native American Shaman  concept of Soul Sickness. I found this idea very interesting and it seemed to coincide with other things that I write about. There is a phenomenon that occurs with many abuse victims, which is a kind of leaving one’s own body during the abuse. 

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The idea is that the victim’s brain cannot accept the level or type of abuse into their reality.

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In order for the brain to protect itself from trauma, it takes itself into a derealization / depersonalization state. This is something that you may have experienced if you ever in an abusive situation, or even any life threatening situation. 

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Depersonalization is a state the brain goes into, in order to protect you.

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The feeling of this state is likely somewhat different for different people, but there is similarity in the way people describe this state. The feeling is as if one can see their body and how it is involved in the event, but it is as if the body belongs to another person. 

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The order of the events is processed, but it is like someone else is doing the motions, and handling the things that are happening. If someone was hitting you, then you would see the body being struck, but not really relate to that body as being your own. You could block your face from being hit but it would feel like someone else was actually controlling those hands which no longer feel like you are attached to your hands.

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Derealization is the feeling that the whole scene is like you were watching it in a movie. You may not even really know for sure if it were really happening. You might wonder if it is actually a dream or a nightmare that you are actually in. The scene does not feel like you are an active part of it. It is more like observing a dream or watching a movie. 

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Soul Sickness. as the Shamans see it, is when the soul has become ill, or parts of it have left the body all together. During a situation, such as sexual abuse, the soul was going to be damaged by experiencing it, so rather than be there for the trauma, it just left the body entirely. 

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This idea of part of you leaving the situation, because it could not endure it, is the same as the derealization and depersonalization experience. The person is there, but not all of them is there to be traumatized. 

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But trauma is sustained nonetheless, because the very situation of being forced to go into a derealization state is traumatizing. If the soul, or part of the soul was forced to exit from the body, then you were left with something missing.

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Either way, there is a damage sustained by the soul, or the spirit part of you, in a addition to your brain and body. 

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It is often discussed these days that mental abuse is the worst part of physical or sexual abuse. It is clear that the emotional / mental trauma is even worse than the physical experience, or the bruises which are left.

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Even the women who have had acid thrown in their faces, now live with extreme mental pain, and humiliation to have to be forced to exist every day with those scars….reminders of the cruelty and heartlessness of the men who inflicted them.

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The Shaman theory is that the soul has left the body and now the person lives as an incomplete person, because that important part of them has fled. The soul need to be retrieved. 

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They believe in doing rituals called Soul Retrieval, in order for that person to get the missing part back. Before the soul retrieval, the person will live with depression. anxiety and all manner of mental, and physical illness. The soul retrieval process is to help the person to become whole again.

 Many abuse survivors experience a feeling that something is wrong with them, even years after the abuser has left.

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There is sense that they are different than other people, in a way that makes them carry toxic shame. This is very difficult to explain to anyone who has not been through abuse.

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During verbal and emotional abuse, people are called names, degraded, gaslighted, demeaned, and treated as non-humans. Their humanity is stripped from them, as is the humanity stripped from people who are sexually and physically abused. 

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The experience of sexual abuse is too much for a person to bear that their own body was involved in the acts, so they detach from their bodies in a way to not be a part of the sexual abuse. Later on, this can lead to eating disorder, cutting and other kinds of self harm. There is a disharmony between the body and the  mind. The mind no longer accepts the body as its own. 

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The missing link between the mind and the body could be spiritual in nature. I think that it makes sense to try to include a spiritual element to healing from abuse. When someone experiences rape, or the on-going abuse of a narcissist, they are broken in some way. There is a lack of wholeness that stays with you. 

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While medications for the depression, and anxiety disorders, which usually follow abuse, can be helpful, it is not the entire picture. We are spiritual beings, and having your soul raped by a personality disordered person, is traumatizing on every level. 

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I believe that healing needs to be all encompassing of the entire person.

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A holistic approach to healing is more likely to generate healing, than by simply dealing with it from one angle. If you are healing from abuse, I would recommend trying a variety of healing modalities.

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Traditional therapy and medications need to be complemented by healing methods which speak to other aspects of the entire person. We are emotional beings and mental and physical beings. But we are also spiritual beings, and the spirit is sensitive to being traumatized by abuse, just as much, or more than the other aspects of ourselves.

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Most people that have been abused feel that there is a darkness about it.

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There is a malicious, dark element to abuse that is carried by the survivor. It is hard to explain to people who have not experienced it.

 It is like a feeling of darkness that is carried with you. 

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I think that this darkness has something to do with the spiritual aspect of abuse.

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When someone who has a darkness about them, invades your personal freedom, and boundaries, there is something that you pick up from them. The darkness feels like it follows you into your nightmares, and lingers around you. 

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I do not think this darkness can be ignored, if we are to heal from abuse. Many people do not speak of it, because it is so hard to define and explain. It is beyond the physical world. 

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So, let us treat ourselves as whole humans, including all the aspects of our humanity.

You have innate self worth, and that reality was stripped from you be a person that has elements of darkness about them.

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It does not make you dark like they are, but you may be carrying that feeling that the abuser’s darkness somehow was stuck to you and you are doomed to carry this darkness in your mind .

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There is nothing wrong with you that makes you less worthy than other people.

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You would not feel that way, if it were not for the abuse you endured and suffered through. Psychopaths and narcissists have a way of leaving a part of themselves to haunt you, but it is time to get rid of that. 

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It is unfair for you to have to carry toxic shame, feelings of darkness and low self esteem, just because someone decided to use you as an object for their own dark designs. They wanted to strip you of your power to blossom and to be free. We do not have to let them have their way, years after the abuse is over. 

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I wish you all healing and peace of mind, as you continue on your journey of healing, love and empowerment. You have a greater purpose in the world than you are even aware of. You are a light that can bring light to others. 

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Namaste,

Annie – Holistic Methods for Healing from Abuse …join the emailing list at the link below

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

Complex PTSD

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image from Pinterest HERE

Trauma during childhood and teenage years leaves fractured pieces of yourself, existing  in time. As you begin to accept those child parts that feel abandoned, you will begin to realize that time is not as linear as we have been programmed to perceive it. 

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All of those parts of you exists now. You can reach out to them and bring them into yourself to integrate those fractured parts, so they do not feel rejected and abandoned. 
This will help you to be more in the present, so that you can think more clearly and see what you want and what you can do with your life. 
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C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is caused by being in on-going emotional / mental abuse from people that you feel entrapped with. There is no way to leave the situation, when you are a child and you are stuck in whatever situations your parents put you into. 
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Emotional abuse and other kinds of abuse cause emotional wounds.

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These emotional wounds are not able to heal while you are still in the abusive situations. Usually children are so used to the way they are living that there is no real frame of reference to know that you are being abused, or the degree to which the abuse is. 

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Wounded children feel abandoned in time, and there is no proper integration of these child parts into the whole. It is like there is still a wounded child inside of you that is waiting for someone to rescue them. Doing inner child work can help the fractured parts to become integrated. 

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If you have C-PTSD from childhood trauma, abuse, or chaotic events, your may have fractures and wounds in your subconscious. This can cause depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and other kinds of mental illness.

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The feeling that you do not belong anywhere and that you are out of place can come from the fractured child parts feeling abandoned. They need to be accepted and nurtured. 

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I am working on some hypnosis audios for healing the wounded child and helping the fractured parts to integrate. If you want to get updates about the audios, feel free to follow the Facebook Page,or to sign up on the contact page at the Gentlekindness coachingweb site. 

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy and Self Doubt

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Any negative thoughts about yourself that have to do with not being good enough, or not being worthy, are programs that were conditioned into you.

These programs are like viruses that start as a small toxin and quickly replicate, until they become pervasive. The on-going background voice that says “who do you think you are” is not coming from your authentic true thoughts.

Being told you were not good enough, or made to feel inadequate, by parents or care givers as a child, you were instructed to feel that there was something innately wrong with you. This is an illusion created by others who should have been building your self esteem.

Not all parents do this on purpose. But the repetitive tapes that play at the back of your mind are just as destructive, whether they were intentionally installed or not.

It is not a matter of being judgemental about the parenting styles of your parents. It is about recognizing the false beliefs you are carrying in your subconscious.

As long as you feel these beliefs are true, your brain will search for and interpret situations that prove these things to be correct.

Looking at these negative beliefs about yourself as conditioning, can begin the process of disproving the false beliefs.

Emotional abuse can lead you to see things in black and white about yourself. You are either right or wrong, successful or a failure, good at something or bad at it.

Life is more than a black and white picture. Reality is malleable and a rigid view of reality can be like a prison.

It can help to remember who the sources were ( or who the current sources are) that These black and white views of yourself come from. Are these sources capable of really knowing you, your full creative potential…your value to other humans?

Once you can see that the people who programmed inadequacy into your brain had some personal agenda of their own…then you can begin to realize that your brain has accepted opinions and manipulation as reality and truth. It has become embedded in your subconscious As truth.

But you do not have to accept things as true just because someone told you it was true. Other people’s opinions about your true value and worth have power when you believe they are based in reality.

Questioning the false beliefs about yourself and about your reality, that were taught to you, can be the beginning of re-wiring harmful conditioning that goes back to your childhood.

Blessings,

Annie

 

Everyone Deserves a Second Chance?

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There are many old  adages that are potentially harmful beliefs for you to carry.

These phrases have been passed dwn from generation to generation. They seem harmless enough, and supposedly make you a “better person.”

Compassionate people naturally believe these ideas, and we have made great efforts and sacrifices to stand by the values that these adages teach.

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“Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Behind every great man is a good woman.”

“Turn the other cheek.”

“You only have one family, and you are stuck with them.”

“Good partners support their spouse ( partner) …no matter what.”

“Kindness is always rewarded.”

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What is the danger of blindly believing these things ?

Isn’t it “good” to always expect the best from people?

Shouldn’t we believe and trust in others…no matter what?

Isn’t everyone innately good?

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No.

They aren’t.

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Many people are innately good. Many people are basically trustworthy.

There are good-natured people that have a basic respect for other humans and living things.

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The problem with adages….other than the fact that they have been brainwashed into us…is the “Black and White” aspect to them.

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They suggest certain principles of “right” and “wrong” and create thought pattern behaviors that are rooted in shame and guilt.

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Toxic people can use this guilt to manipulate you very easily. Even as easily as asking you a question…

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“Don’t you believe in second chances?”

“Don’t you believe in me?”

“Don’t you believe that everyone deserves a second chance?”

“Aren’t you able to see the good in people?”

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This is manipulation that plays on your core values and beliefs. These beliefs that have been embedded into your subconscious. …

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“Good wives support their husband no matter what.”

“Real men don’t cry. They stuff their emotions dow, and don’t express them.”

“Good sons and daughters always respect their parents.”

“Good people keep tolerating whatever abuse their family fishes out at them.”

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There is an implied presupposition in these adages. ..All people are basically good.

You have been brainwashed to believe that if you just love someone enough, they will eventually let down their walls….and you will see the good person underneath all the barriers.

People walk back into houses with abusive partners every day, because someone guilted them into going back.

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Truth…..

These adages manipulate you with shame. Narcissists and psychopaths will lead you to believe that they are “good” people, that are just misunderstood, stressed, emotionally injured, etc.

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Truth…

Listening to your own feelings and intuition is good. You need these senses to protect yourself.

You have been brainwashed that “setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm” is noble. It makes you a good person. You will be rewarded for it later.

“Future promises”  are one of the favorite tools of manipulative people. They will lead you to believe that if you suffer through abuse now….you will be rewarded later….

But later never comes. You just get stuck in a reality that is being controlled by someone else.

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Truth…

You are not being selfish when you swt boundaries. You are not being selfish when you listen to your own feelings.

If someone is draining the life out of you, then they are taking advantage of you. Itvwill not balance out at some later date.

You are not a bad person if you do not give someone a second chance…a third chance….or a 10 th chance…after they have betrayed you.

People that sacrifice their dreams and desires for someone else are not better people…than people who follow their hearts and their passion….even if it means walking away from manipulative, cruel people.

So let’s “Get our heads out of the sand”

See what is right in front of you, and not what people tell you to see. Trust your feelings and your own perception of reality.

Don’t let people play on your desire to be a good person.

Be a good person. But spend your energy wisely. Follow your dreams. Access your truth.

 

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Join Gentlekindness coaching on facebook

design edited blue

art by my daughter Delenn Yake

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If you are interested in learning more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse…

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If you are in an abusive relationship…

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If you grew up with abusive parents…

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If you have C-PTSD from emotional and mental abuse…

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If you feel like you keep attracting narcissists and psychopaths…

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If you want to get some traction back into your life after abusive relationships…

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Join us on the gentlekindness coaching facebook page  

for information and support 

Narcissistic Mothers and Their Sons

Narcissistic Mothers and Their Daughters

Who Are You Really?

This concept of “supposed to” …is a brainwashing by society. It keeps people functioning on autopilot like drones.

“Supposed to”…keeps people in abusive marriages.

“Supposed to”….makes children hide bruises their parents put on them, and lie about how their patents actually talk to them…(scream at them)

“Good wives” …are “supposed to” …stand by their husbands…”no matter what”.

There’s another 2 dangerous brainwashing phrases.

“Good…are sipposed to…

” Good wives do this…”

“Good daughters protect their mother’s image and reputation…”no matter what”…..(even if she is abusive behind closed doors)

“Good citizens work 9 to 5 and don’t complain about their job, even if they are miserable”

“Good people”…accept the roles they are expected to do. …accept the identity forced on them by their family…

“Good men”…do what is “expected of them by others”

You can be a good person, and still be living life the way you want to. As long as you are not hurting other people….( the relatives that say you hurt them by living your own life don’t count as “hurting people”)

Other people do not live inside of your body, and they do not have to experience the consequences of your choices. They live their own lives, and they make their own choices.

If you experienced in-going emotional abuse, or emotional neglect as a child….

If you lived with a narcissistic parent…

If your parent was an alcoholic or addicted to substances…

If your world growing up, had no room for being able to express and deal with your own needs and feelings.  ..

Then you probably have C-PTSD, from abuse that was on-going, and you were entrapped in the situation.

What’s worse…is if the abusive parent…or the enabler parent…told you they loved you…and that their behavior of shutting you down, when you tried to express your needs, was a loving act.

Abuse that is disguised as love or concern for the victim, is more harmful. It is gaslighting, and it confuses the reality of the victim. It causes PTSD .

So, many survivors of childhood abuse, have C-PTSD as adults. There are “emotional flashbacks” that suddenly cause you to feel fear, sadness or anger.

You were conditioned to focus your attention on the narcissistic parent. Your needs and feelings were of no consequence.

The result of years of this kind of mind manipulation, can often be the emergence of “People Pleaser Syndrome.”

This explains why you might believe those conditioned phrases like “Good girls don’t disagree with their family”….or “real men stay in the relationship…or the job they are in …..even if tbey are miserable.

Why?

Because…. “your feelings don’t matter.”

If you were conditioned to ignore your own inner guide, that leads you in the direction that is best for you…then you may not even know how to feel, or hear, or interact with that guide.

Your inner voice wants to guide you in directions toward being supported, following your passion….and away from the pain.

You have been conditioned to fear tbe anger and dissapointment of others as a real threat. But the conditioning you experienced can be re-wired.

“People Pleaser Syndrome” does not really protect you.

It is an illusion.

People who expect you to sacrifice your own dreams for their agenda, are not really your friends….and they are crossing your personal boundaries.

Why?

Because no one taught you anout how to set healthy boundaries, or told you that it is perfectly okay to say “no” to someone…as long as you are not hurting them.

Their claim that your making your own choices, and becoming independent of them, is invalid. Narcissistic parents love to make their adult children feel shame and guilt for “going against them.”

In healthier families, the adult children are treated with respect and dignity…..not made to “be a good son”…..and do what is expected of you by the family.

These patterns can become embedded in the subconscious mind. Then it becomes easy for any narcissist you come acrods, during your life, to manipulate you with shame, guilt, or by attacking your integrity or self esteem.

I am not encouraging you to be bad person. But simply this..

You have the right to decide what “good” means to you…

You have the right to choose who to help…and who to say..”no” ..to.

You can begin to hear and feel that inner guide that wants you to listen to it.

Your true feelings can guide you and allow you to follow your core values. It is the path that matters, more than the individual goals.

So….

Be a “good woman.

Be a “good man.”

Be a “good multi-faceted, spiritual being, that is living a life here on the earth”

Be authentic.

Practice saying no.

Pay attention to your feelings, and honor them, by choosing paths that align with those feelings.

Be yourself! 💕💕💕💕💕💜💜💕💕💕💕💕💕🐇🐇💕💜💕💜💝💜💝💕🐇🐢🐼🐣👻💕💜💕

 

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