#domestic abuse, #narcissistic personality disorder, abusive relationships, adult children of abuse, adult children of alcoholics, adult children of narcissistic abuse', adult children of narcissistic parents, adult children of narcissists, adult children with alcoholic parents, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, c-ptsd, chronic pain, Chronic pain and depression, codependence, daughter of narcissist, emotional abuse, free coaching, genltekindnesscoaching, healing from abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, health and wellness, holistic, leaving an abusive relationship, life coach for narcissistic abuse, life coaching for people pleaser syndrome, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic parents, narcissistic victim syndrome, people please syndrome, psychological abuse, PTSD from narcissistic abuse

Untherapy – Compassionate Conversation and Holistic Treatment for Emotional Wounds

What is “untherapy”? Untherapy is what I am calling one of the types of life coaching that I do. It is basically compassionate two-way dialogue between the coach and the client, in order to provide validation and kindness, which the client is in desperate need of in their lives.

Although untherapy is absolutely not a replacement for treatment by a mental health professional, untherapy can provide a complement to traditional, clinical therapy.

While clinical therapists are licensed to delve into past trauma and use CBT to deal with those traumas, the life coaching practitioner is able to talk to the client about current issues and mental blocks that are inhibited them from moving forward with their lives.

We can often get into times where we feel like we are carrying a weight our shoulders and we just cannot get traction to move forward with our lives. While life coaches cannot diagnose any mental illness, we can help with issues like perfectionism and anxiety that are inhibiting you from doing things you need to do in life.

Life coaching can help you with things like feeling stuck, lack of motivational energy and lack of clarity due to brain fog from anxiety.

We are trained to guide the client to find the best path for them, by listening and identifying key issues that are creating problems for you. When you are in the midst of a dark reality tunnel, it can be very difficult to see clearly enough to be able to identify these things on your own.

Validation is an extrememly important need for people these days. Especially people who are carrying C-PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, need validation about their reality. Years of bad programming by care givers can cause disorientation,  low self esteem and lack of the ability to self generate feelings of self worth.

Life coaches are able to deal with self esteem, and self confidence issues, as they relate to present time situations.

So whereas therapists deal with the past situations which caused mental health problems, life coaches can offer compassionate conversation about your feelings and thoughts in the present time, in order to help you get some traction to move forward onto the path you want to create as you walk it.

I am calling my particular flavor of life coaching “untherapy” because I feel it is different, yet can be complementary, to traditional therapy.

I can speak with you in a less climical and more equal kind of way. The traditional therapist is trained to keep an emotional distance from the client wheras I am under no rules to keep emotionally distanced from you.

I am allowed to share any personal stories of mine that may help to validate and guide you. Life coaches are not restrcted to stay at arms length from the client and make you feel like a “sick” patient.

Just because someone has experienced a traumatic past does not mean there is something innately wrong with them.

There are just natural reactions of the brain to put up blocks, in order to protect you from further injury. These blocks sometimes served us in the past and are now inhibiting our ability to move forward and blossom.

The spiritual side of you is just as important as the mental and emotional sides.

Spiritual coaching is a branch of life coaching that deals with helping you find your inner spiritual voice, and to overcome any vibrational blocks to your spiritual healing of yourself. This is another option of untherapy. We will call it Spiritual Untherapy or Vibrational Untherapy.

I will be posting future posts about this new concept of coaching. I feel the word “coaching” sounds like something to do with sports, and that is why I wanted a different way of communicating the new compassionate based life coaching, by using the term untherapy.

I am interested to get comments on this post to see if I have fully explained this, in a way everyone can understand and relate to. I believe there is a distinct lack of compassion and validation for people that suffer from certain issues, such as C-PTSD and PTSD.

There are holistic methods to help with PTSD, that fall outside of traditional therapy. I can guide you through NLP imagery and hypnosis, for anxiety reduction and even physical pain management.

If you are interested in finding out more about my services, please visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com

I am thinking of doing some promotional “freebe” kinds of things coming  up at that web site, so please add your name to the emailing list, in order to be sent any new promotions that you may enjoy participating in.

Many blessings for peace and happiness,


annie life coach, emotional abuse, emotional healing, empowerment, encouragement, mental illness

Helping Others Begins with Self Love

You have to take care of yourself, before you can really take care of someone else well.

You have to make yourself comfortable,  before you can find the best ways to comfort someone else.

You have to find yourself,  before you can help someone who is lost.

You have to be standing stable,  before you can get someone off the floor.

You have to save yourself, before you can begin to help someone save themselves.

#domestic abuse, #narcissistic personality disorder, Abusive relationship, adult children of alcoholics, adult children of narcissistic abuse', adult children of narcissistic parents, adult children of narcissists, adult children with alcoholic parents, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, emotional healing, genltekindnesscoaching, Healing after abuse, healing from abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental illness

PTSD and Problems with Executive Function – Aftermath of Mental / Emotional Abuse

c-ptsd, codepndence, dealing with manipulative people, emotional abuse, mental abuse, mental health, people pleaser syndrome, PTSD from narcissistic abuse

Coaching for Victims of Narcissistic Psychopath Abuse

life coaching meme 2


dealing with a narcissist, healing from narcissistic abuse, life coach for narcissistic abuse, life coaching narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse, red flags of a narcissist

Life Coaching – When you Get a narcissist for a Client

When you are a Life Coach for victims of narcissistic psychopath abuse, most of the time you get clients who are broken and suffering from the effects of abuse. They are looking for validation and help to reduce the anxiety. The client wants to heal and be able to move forward with their life.

You assume before you get onto a Skype call that the person you will be talking to has been victimized and they are probably going to be a state of trauma. Depending in what stage they are in, there will be signs of psychological abuse, emotional / verbal abuse and cognitive interference.

But every now and then you get a client that does not exhibit any of the usual signs of abuse. You do not see any signs of trauma, C-PTSD, or narcissistic victim abuse syndrome.

The longer you talk to them the more you see that they are disinterested in healing. They are not only disinterested in healing. they are disinterested in considering that anything is wrong with them at all. The longer you are in the conversation the more you realize that they are dominating the entire conversation.

They do not feel that there is anything wrong with them. In fact they are perfect just the way they are and everything that is wrong with their lives has been caused by someone else.

The reason that people do not like them is the fault of the other people. There is nothing that could possible be doing that other people may be responding negatively to. Other people are to blame. In fact everyone in their life in actively trying to interfere with their life.

You try to interject a question or a comment here and there in order to slow down their incessant talking about how people have caused them to become angry and how people have caused them to treat others they way they do. They carry extreme anger towards everyone and everyone around them is against them.

At this point I pay attention to the pronoun density. This is how many times someone used the word “I”  while they are talking. particularly where they could have easily used a different word.

They are talking as if they are on a stage. It is a monologue that sounds pretentious and grandios. I take my pencil and begin to make a tally of how many times they say “I” per minute.

If you are getting 15 to 20 “I” words per minute, then this should be a red flag to you. You may be dealing with a narcissist. Keep tallying for a few more minutes. You get 14 times per minute of them saying “I”. Then you get 17. Then you get 19.

The entire conversation is about how they are better than everyone else and how the people around them are plotting against them in order to ruin them. When you ask what reasons the people have to plot against them, there is no rational answer.

You ask them what they think all these people are getting out of undermining them and they have no answer. You ask them what particular tactics these people are using against them and they cannot answer you. But they are sure that the reason they are in a bad job, have no girlfriend, and are in bad health, is a direct result of these people undermining them.

You ask them what their goal is for the life coaching, so that you can help them with healing. But they are not interesting in healing. They have an ulterior motive for the Skype call. There is an agenda underneath that begins to show itself as you go along.

Dealing with a psychopath on the phone or Skype can be disconcerting. The good thing is that you can recognize them in a reasonable amount of time before they begin luring you in to their tactics. As they are claiming to be the victim of this abuse which they cannot give any real examples of, they are playing games with your mental state.

The best thing to do is to try to detach from any emotional feelings about things they say. Do not be emotionally manipulated by them. Think of this as practice for you, in order that you will be better prepared to teach others. Once they can begin to manipulate your emotions, they have a hook in you.

What is the agenda? Maybe they want you to make a video that will discredit their supposed abusers. Maybe they want to lure you into a sexual agenda. Keep in mind that if a client says something of a sexual nature and it makes you really uncomfortable then it was probably inappropriate.

If they talk about something sexual and it is not related to their abuse, then you should put up one red flag. Try to redirect the conversation onto a non-sexual topic. Preferable back to the abuse they say they experienced. If they refuse to allow you to redirect them and continue to talk about sexual things that are unrelated to their abuse, then you are being manipulated.

If you are dealing with a narcissistic psychopath for a client then you need to make the decisions that you need to make, in order to protect yourself. You can end the call if you need to. You can refund their payment.

Another option is to juts let them finish talking for the rest of the session and act disinterested in any topics that you feel are inappropriate to what the session is supposed to be for. Try to get them back on the topic of the session. Ask them what their goals are for the session.

If they refuse to discuss goals. or tell you what they set up the session for, or if the reason they give you is inappropriate then you can finish the session and then not schedule another one with them. You have every right to refuse a client based on the reason that you do not feel that your skills are suited to their particular goals.

Since they have no life coaching goals at all and are just playing games with you, then you can use this reason. Just email them that during the first session you felt that you were not a good match for them. You felt that their particular issues and their goals would be better met by another life coach.

Or you can tell them that their problems are out of your scope and you recommend that they see a mental health professional. Tell them that you are obligated not to take clients that seem to be out of your scope or what you can legally do as a life coach.

That’s it. If they do not accept your reasons or want to argue with them, that is very narcissistic and you have your final evidence that you are dealing with a narcissist. If someone was in a state of trauma from abuse, they would not be arguing with you about whether you should continue to keep them in order to discuss their sexual life or to help them find ways to destroy their targets.

A narcissist may use you to help them to conspire against their targets. The reason for this is that they know you are empathic and you have skills that they do not have. They can manipuate you into thinking you are being helpful be explaining to them how someone might be thinking and feeling and what they might respond to. Be very careful disussing the thoughts and feelings of other people during a session,

Remember you are there to discuss the thoughts and feelings of the client , not other people that you have not met. Do not them lure you into getting into the heads of other people. These people may be targets of theirs. I let someone do this to me once and I still feel bad that I helped him to manipulate other people.

I had no idea that he was using my skills and knowledge for evil and not for good. He told me he had good intentions towards the people and he needed my help because he did not understand how to talk to people. I ended up helping him lure people into situations that were not good for them.

You don’t want to go there, so be careful.

When you are working with a client, you need to have control to guide the conversation. You should allow them a safe space to talk and you should validate their experiences. This is the first step to healing from narcissistic abuse.

But if you feel that they are taking over the conversation and dominating over you in a pretentious way, then you might be dealing with a narcissist. Be careful and remember to protect your own psychological and spiritual state.

Remember someone saying “I I I I ” 20 times per minute is not really open to hearing any suggestions from you about ways they can change. Change is required to heal from narcissistic abuse. If someone thinks they are perfect then you cannot help them.


Annie gentlekindnesscoaching.com

emotional abuse, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, ptsd, PTSD and executive function problems

PTSD and Executive Function Problems from Trauma, Abuse and Depression – New Video

If you have PTSD from trauma or C-PTSD from on-going trauma you may be having problems organizing tasks and managing your timeExecutive function is a process that is controlled by the frontal lobe of the brain. PTSD can cause problems with this part of the brain.

Executive function is in charge of things that have to do managing your schedule and getting tasks done. Organizing tasks and knowing the steps to get them done is part of executive function. Other things that are controlled by this part of the brain include: self monitoring, focus, prioritizing tasks, and  dealing with resources and people. 

According to Web MD…

“Executive function is a set of mental skills that help you to get things done. These are controlled by an area of the brain called the frontal lobe. “

Executive function helps you:

  • Manage time

  • Pay attention

  • Switch focus

  • Plan and organize

  • Remember details

  • Do things based on your experience

If you find that you are feeling overwhelmed by tasks, easily stressed about getting things done, then you might have an executive function deficiency. If this has been caused by being in a long term abusive relationship, then it will hopefully get better with time. This is different for different people.

Web MD lists the things that can cause problems with executive function as follows:

  • ADHD
  • Depression
  • Learning Disabilities
  • Brain trauma
  • Alzheimer’s Disease

 I was a bit disappointed to find that Web MD did not have PTSD or domestic abuse on the list. There is research and evidence that PTSD causes executive function issues. 

This is not anything to feel ashamed of or guilty about. You do not have to feel less than other people because you are not good at organizing and managing your life and day to day tasks. This is something that you cannot help, but you can come up with techniques and strategies to make things easier for yourselves.

About the YouTube Video

In the video which I included with this post, I give some ideas for helping to deal with the anxiety and feelings of frustration over this. I also show some of the methods I use when I feel overwhelmed trying to get things done.

Strategies and Techniques

Writing lists can be very helpful and it can help you to prioritize things. You also need to create a logical order to do things in and identify which things are time sensitive such as a doctor appt. or important paperwork that needs to be mailed by a certain date.

Sometimes I will send myself emails with important info that I am afraid I will forget. All of my user names and passwords have been sent ” by me to me.” When I need to retrieve them I simply type in something like “Ebay password and user name” into the search emails box.

This way they are all stored safely and I can always access them. If you use this method make sure to send another email to yourself any time you reset password. I have made the mistake before of forgetting to do that and I ended up trying to use an older password. Then you have to reset all over again.

PTSD from on-going Abuse

Most importantly is to treat yourself with kindness. If you were in an abusive relationship then it is not surprising that there were organic changes that occurred in your brain that are causing things to not function properly. 

 Depression and Executive Function Problems

The same goes for mental illnesses like depression. When you have depression, many of the processes of the brain are slowed down or otherwise not working normally. Getting frustrated and beating yourself up over this will only make things worse.

PTSD from Combat or Military related Trauma

If you have PTSD from combat or military related mental trauma, then the same issues can arise with your executive function and your ability to deal with the daily things that need to be organized, scheduled and followed through on. It is not unusual to be easily distracted and to get off track. 

ADHD and Executive Function Deficiency

If you have ADHD then you are very familiar with having trouble with organizing and getting things done on  time. This may have been a frustration for years now. There is information you can search for on Google about ADHD and help with executive function.

I am not including all of this information here because it is a lot. I will write a post in the future dedicated to ADHD.

You can buy folders, notebooks and special clipboards that open into legal pads. You can use sticky notes and cell phone message pads. I have a special plastic folder for critical papers and smaller folders for current tasks.

If you can be honest with yourself about having a problem with your executive function then you can do better to help yourself with it.

 There is no reason to feel like you are less than other people because you do not do these kinds of things as well as they do. If someone has a broken leg then they don’t walk as well as other people, right? This is a physical problem in the brain. 

The brain can be rewired and function normally again for many people. Others may have to compensate for deficiency in their executive function for their entire lives. 

Write things down and help yourself as best as you can. Research executive function and learn more about it.

Mention symptoms to your therapist and your doctor. If you have family and friends that you think would understand then you can give them links to more information. The more support you have the better you will feel.

Wishing you peace of mind,

Annie ❤

50 shades of gray, abnormal psychology, abusive relationships, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Busy Working on my YouTube Channel and Life Coaching

I have been busy making some videos today. I uploaded two new videos for the victims of narcissistic abuse, onto my YouTube Channel . 

How to Trust Again After Narcissistic Abuse
Realizing That the Narcissist Manipulated Your Reality

I have also been working on some materials for my Life Coaching business. I made some meditative affirmations audios, which are designed to rewire low self esteem issues, or at least get someone on the path to be able to rewire their own negative thought patterns into kinder, gentler ones.

I have also been working on taking an NLP course, which is very interesting. If you are interested in NLP you can get more information about it HERE, at Planet NLP.  It is used by Life Coaches to help people to make negative memories more manageable and for various other situations. NLP practitioners can help people to get into a certain state of mind for a job interview, or to get out of an undesirable state of mind. There are too many uses for it to mention here. 

Although I have not written anything new for the blog today, I did respond to  of my comments. I read some of your blogs as well.

I have been in contact with four different life coaching clients this week and have been feeling good about getting into that important work. I have always been the kind of person that has to work doing something to help people in order to be happy with work. I prefer to work one on one with people, and so this is a perfect calling for me and I am glad I ended up on this path.

I was going to make some flyers for guitar lessons today, but I am having issues with the printer. I have someone who will help me with that tomorrow, after  I get the oil changed in the car.

It is time for me to get the bunny a snack and then watch an episode of Hannibal before bed. I have to get up tomorrow to get the car into STS before it is too late to get the oil changed and the tires checked.

My brother in law was kind enough to assist me with the money for the oil change, which was very kind of him. He know I have been out of work and cannot afford anything but food and gas, since I am trying to space out my small amount of savings to get through until I am generating an income from my businesses.

It is almost time for all good little insomniacs to try to sleep.Try is the key word here. 

Blessings to all and to all a good night or merry Christmas or happy Easter or something like that 🙂