Being Able to Speak About Our Mental Illness or History of Abuse

Some people with mental illness speak freely about it and others are afraid to speak. Many of us have issues of mental illness because we were traumatized and mentally abused. It may have occurred during early childhood and is so far back that we do not really remember. There may be clear memories of some type of trauma or abuse during childhood.

We may have sustained psychological injury at the hands of an abusive partner during adulthood. Often times people are abused in childhood and then end up choosing partners who abuse them also. Not that we know that in the beginning. NO one hooks up with an abusive partner on purpose. They are often very charming and seemingly sweet at the beginning of the relationship.

If we were psychologically injured as children, then we were also probably conditioned that we do not speak of such things. There is secrecy and guilt built into those early relationships. We were taught that we do not talk about abuse, feelings about what goes on on our homes and to keep everything inside.

I remember Pat Benatar’s song “Hell is for Children” and she sings “Be Daddy’s good girl and don’t tell Mommy a thing. Be a good little boy and you’ll get a new toy. Tell Grandma you fell off the swing”

Very powerful lyrics and a great song. This is where the secrecy begins. We are taught that to be “good” means keeping your torment to yourself. Do not involve other people into the situation. Do not talk to people about your problems. Keep everything bottled up.

These behavioral patterns continue into adulthood. They are imprinted onto our brains with big “DON’T TELL” stampers. It is very hard to  break out of the patterns of not talking about things and keeping our “shame” to ourselves. We feel ashamed about what happened to us as children. We feel shame for having chosen an abusive partner.

We do not see other people around us, ending up in these situations. We feel ashamed and guilty. We feel like people will not believe us or that they will judge us. There is a feeling of not wanting to burden another person with our problems. No one wants to hear about MY problems, They are busy with their own problems.

Some of us even have trouble opening up to the family doctor or primary care physician. It can even go so far as not wanting to go to a therapist because we do not think they will  want to listen to. We may not think the therapist or psychiatrist will believe us. Maybe we will not explain our problems properly , in a way that they will understand.

Maybe the psychiatrist will think that his other patients have “real” mental health problems and we are just “faking it” or maybe we are afraid to tell the psychiatrist the whole truth because he never would have met anyone that bad before. Maybe we are the worst one ever and they will decide to commit us to a psychiatric facility.

These feelings have been conditioned into us by abusive people who did not want us to tell on them. They wanted to control us and they did not want to be revealed. Once their game is exposed, they can no longer play.

It is hard to change how we feel, We have ingrained reactions to things. Emotions are associated with anything that triggers memories from past trauma. Even the voice of the therapist sounding like your abusive father’s voice, could send you into post traumatic stress and immediately shut down your ability to communicate with them.

The solution is complex and it takes time to be able to open up to other people about mental illness. Sometimes people will respond in ways that are horrifying to us. Some people treat the mentally ill, the psychologically injured, like they are third class citizens. Like we are not competent , not reliable, not truthful and not worthy.

We already feel a low self esteem and a feeling that we are not as good as other people, if we endured years of mental abuse. If we had to hide things as a child then it is easy to go into that “safety mode” of hiding again.  I put “safety mode” in quotes because it is our old belief system. It was how we survived for years. It was the way we knew that we had to be, in order to avoid further trauma. Not that it kept the abuse from continuing.

It is necessary at some point, for us to open up and speak about our mental illness. We need to speak about our abuse during childhood or our abuse from our ex husband. It is not shameful. Anyone who makes you feel ashamed is not doing the right thing. You should be able to have feelings and thoughts like any other person.

You may have had experiences that are unique and that are so unusual that many people just cannot deal with them and they do not want to hear them. I am not suggesting frightening people or distressing them with your story.

The point is to reach out and find the right people to tell your story to. WordPress is great because we can tell our story here, with an avatar as our picture if we wish. We can be truthful and transparent. It is a healing thing to write about out thoughts and feelings about what has happened to damage us mentally and emotionally.

We are not designed to sustain trauma and keep it locked up inside of us. We are people that need the community of others, We need to be listened to and understood. We must have our feelings validated or we will become more mentally ill.

It is very tricky sometimes to know who is a safe person to talk to and who is not. It is hard to know what part of our story to tell someone and what part to leave out. We are so much in the middle of what is going on in our obsessive, constantly running brains, that we cannot always see the forest through the trees.

Reach out anyway and try to find other humans to talk to. Therapy works for many people, but it is very common for someone to have to try out 2, 3 or even 5 therapists before finding the right one. It is a scary thing to tell a therapist your story, if you are not in the habit of talking about it at all.

I am writing this post in order to validate anyone that has a behavior pattern of never talking about their mental illness or their history of abuse. It may have been the rule of the abusers in our lives that we were not “allowed” to speak of these things, but the times have changed to new times.

If you are, however, still in an abusive situation, please be careful. You do need to be careful who you talk to about the abuser. Call a women’s shelter (or a men’s shelter). Talk to people on wordpress, but be careful to protect your identity.

If we can not speak then we have no voice. If we have no voice then who are we? We lose our identity.

Blessings to all and to all a good night 🙂

Annie

Don’t Apologize… Too Little, Too Late

Tip your hat

Say goodbye!

Don’t apologize

The time has past

It’s not enough

It will not last

Don’t dare ask why

Just move your feet

I will not cry

Not in front of you

It just might stop you…

Like in the past

But not again

I am finally done

You’ve done your damage

You’ve had your fun

Just keep going

On your way

Don’t look back!

I won’t be here

Not this time

Not again

Now, take your things

Take my things

I don’t care about them

Take all this  stuff!

Just leave me my heart

And leave me my mind

Whatever is left

Don’t take your time

Just keep moving

I am not changing my mind

There’s not much left of it

After what you’ve done 

But I will recover

In spite of you

Just keep walking

I’ll see myself through!

Cold Memories of Abuse / in poetry

The winter is coming

Like a trigger from hell

The memories flood me

My dreams are not well

Nightmarish visions

Of what it was like

Under your tyranny

Torment and strife

You captured my choices

Opinions you punished

Your opinion alone

Was allowed to be wielded

Your ways were so perfect

My ways were  wrong so wrong

My thoughts and opinions

Could never be voiced

Punishment was imminent

Judgement and shaming

Retaliation was swift

If I did not obey

Kindness eluded you

Judgements were harsh

No appeals to the judge

No simple mistrial

You ruled without mercy

Obedience unquestioned

No allowance for defiance

Your rules defied reason

But reason was a luxury

You didn’t allow

Your rulings nonsensical

With severe consequence

I froze in the winter

Heating oil was denied

My money you stole

Demanded your rights

I suffered in cold

But you were okay

Vodka and beer

Warmed you all day

I still feel the cold

It chills my poor bones

The memory haunts me

Till I feel  alone

Mental Abuse Hurts! / Domestic Abuse Can be Invisible But the Damage is Real

Mental abuse is a form of domestic abuse (or non live-in relationship abuse) that can be so severe that the victim is left with crushed self-esteem, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and depression.

The effects of the mental damage can continue for years after the relationship has ended. The people still living in these situations are constantly criticized and treated with contempt. They are made to feel stupid and inadequate.

The abuser will call them names and criticize things that they do all the time. It is a way for the abuser to maintain power over the victim, by crushing down their self esteem.

The victim feels helpless. No matter how hard they try, the partner is never satisfied. They will just say “can’t you do Anything right?” and “how many times have I told you…”

They will set such a high standard for the victim that no human could possibly live up to it. If the person actually meets the standard of something the abuser wants then the abuser will just change the rules.

Victim – “I made the dinner just the way you like it”
Abuser – “I wanted it this way, not that way. Don’t you ever pay attention? I don’t eat it that way anymore.”

There is no way out. There is no way to do anything correctly. No way to please them.

The abuser is dominant. The victim is put in a place of submissive slavery.

Often the abuser will point out how much trouble they go through to take care of the victim. They will put themselves on a pedestal of how great of a partner they are. They will make you feel like the inferior partner, unworthy of how good they treat you.

It is a game of manipulation to make the victim feel like a loser and that they are very lucky the abuser even stays with them.

There is a threat of leaving or withholding affection and love. This is “conditional love”.

“I will love you if you…”

“I would love you if you had only…”

“I won’t give you love today because you didn’t…”

“maybe next time you will do it properly and then I could love you…”

“Who could love someone like you?”

The victim gets more and more depressed and has tremendous anxiety about disappointing and angering the abuser. It is constantly a game of walking on eggshells and bending over backwards and forwards to please the abuser.

This is living in hell. The mental damage from living in this type of relationship can be severe.

It can take years for the victim to ever have confidence that they can do things well. Their ability to trust in relationships can be damaged.

Mental abuse does not leave bruises or broken bones. But the damage to the normal brain functions is real. Mental illness can be caused by enduring this abuse.

The victim will likely have some severe anxiety disorder. Many of them have depression for years and sometimes it never leaves them.

It is important that there is awareness of mental abuse. Friends and family don’t know what the signs are and don’t recognize that anything is wrong.

People think, if there are no bruises, there is no abuse. Not true! Mental abuse hurts!

Recovering Alcoholics Have to Survive the Holidays

While everyone is having a fun and relaxing time, some people are struggling to survive the holiday season. It is easy for people to forget the recovering alcoholics who are used to drinking on the holidays.

If you are a recovering alcoholic and this is the first year you have not been able to drink to get through the holidays, it will create anxiety for you. You may feel depressed because your usual method of turning off the anxiety is not accessible.

I have not been through this myself. I did however, live with a guy who was recovering. The holidays were hard for him. It was hard to find other tools to get through. It was hard to see that other people were drinking and getting their party on.

Other people I have talked to, have told me that it is hard for them to socialize without the alcohol. The alcohol helps them to feel comfortable in a group. They feel self-conscious or shy otherwise.

There are people that have been sober for 10 years or more that will still feel the pressure and anxiety of the holiday season.

My thoughts are with the people that are on the path that they believe is best for them. I pray for your strength and happiness. I pray for a peaceful holiday season for you.

If you are not an alcoholic and have not thought of these things, please be considerate of others at your office parties and other events.

Namaste
Annie

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Reinhold Niebuhr

The serenity prayer was written by theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, sometime during the 1930’s. It was quoted by others a few times during the 1930’s. Niebuhr sometimes used it in his sermons.

The original wording was printed as follows:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

This prayer is widely used in alcoholics anonymous meetings and other 12 step programs. Some people think that it was written for alcoholics anonymous but it was not. They adopted it because it is a helpful tool to give recovering alcoholics a frame of reference for what to work to improve in their lives.

I love the first phrase “…accept…the things that cannot be changed” This is a very important concept for healing. It is an idea in Buddhism which is a practice that has a lot of healing benefit to it.

We cannot change everything. We cannot change other people. Peace comes through acceptance of letting go of the things we cannot change.

If we were to make a list of things that are causing us to feel anxiety right now, we might be surprised that there are things on the list that we cannot change. Especially in regards to other adult people.

We can guide and encourage. We can support and comfort. But in the end, we cannot cause other adults to change anything.

Even when someone is in a dangerous situation, like drug addiction, you can only be as supportive as you are able to be without incurring damage to yourself.

There is a point at which you have to protect yourself and draw a line as to how much help is reasonable to give to another adult.

I find the original wording interesting to compare to the updated version.  There is  a difference in the meaning of the second phrase. “courage to change the things that “should” be changed.”

I personally like this version better.

There are times we want to force our desires on other people as far as their choices go. But should we make another adult’s choices for them?  People get self-esteem and confidence from making their own decisions.  

“The wisdom to know the difference...”  This may be the ultimate trick. How can we tell the difference between things we can change and things we cannot change. Well, basically we really only have the power to change ourselves. We can improve our mental and physical  health. We can make choices and decisions that will create changes in our lives.

We have some power over the environment around us. We can clean and organize. We can move to a different place or to a different job. We can choose to make changes in behavior, relationship patterns, and habits. We can educate ourselves, learn new talents and create things.

If we can let go of the anxiety of trying to change things we can’t. we have more energy for working on the things we have some control over.

 

The Right to Change Your Mind / Don’t Stay “no matter what” .

It is easy to develop bad behavioral patterns. We become co-dependent or addicted to certain behaviors that are not healthy for us.

We are used to doing things a certain way. We make choices and stick to them “no matter what” Sometimes we have to make a U Turn.

Well, I am back now in one piece. I did not realize that the snow storm was in full force. I made the choice to go to visit at work while I was in the nice warm house.

I really wanted to introduce my daughter to my friends at work and I wanted to visit my patients.

I did not check the weather report or ask anyone in the house how the roads were. I just took my teenager and got in the car. We slid it out of the of driveway. I decided to drive a bit and see how the roads were.

It became apparent quickly that the snow was going to continue and that the plows were struggling to keep up. I got all the way to the sign for my job.

I looked up the big hill and saw it was covered with snow. I went about 3 feet up the hill and the car was sliding down. I realized that even if I made it up the hill, it was going to be treacherous getting down later.

I told my daughter that this was a life lesson for her. In the past I would have kept going just because I had made the decision to go to the building and I had come all that way.

Sometimes in life, we make a choice to begin on a path. Sometimes it is a relationship. It could be a career or a job. It could be behavioral patterns that we establish or a habit of some sort.

We have decided to go along on this path. We do a lot of work along the way. We stick in there when it seems that there might be something wrong. We should probably have changed our minds sooner, when the evidence presented itself that it was not a healthy or safe path for us.

But looking up that slippery hill and feeling the car begin to slide made me stop right there and think.

Just because we got all dressed in our coats and scarves. Just because we drove all that way. Just because I really thought it was a good idea at the time.

Even the fact that I texted my friend at work to tell he we were coming and she was excited to meet my daughter, is not enough reason to continue into a situation full with peril. You have to be able to see ahead enough to think about what is likely to happen.

Where is this path leading you? If you follow it , even against your intuition telling you that it is bad, even if your rational brain tells you there is danger, then you are going to be hurt.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic. For some reason we have a compulsion to continue with any commitment and any choice that we make. It makes us feel inadequate when we give up.

But the other day I was thinking about this very thing. Why did I stay in abusive relationships, even when I could see a path to get out. it was only because I said I would. I told them I would stay with them and I felt that I had to stay no matter what.

It is the “no matter what” thinking that can get you into trouble. Once you notice that it was either a bad choice to begin with or that something has changed to make the situation different than you originally signed up for, then Change Your Mind. Run, Turn around, Go back, Go sideways, GET OUT.

Follow your instinct. Listen to your rational brain. Trust your feelings. Don’t let anyone even yourself, make you feel bad for changing your mind.

Many women (and men and unborn babies) die every year from being in harms way from domestic abuse. The women feel obligated to stay no matter what, because they said they would. They made a promise to stand by his side.

But what about her feelings? What about her safety? What about her self-esteem?

Other consequences of staying on a path “no matter what” is staying in a thankless job when you have chances to go do something that is more suited to you and would be better for your self-esteem.

WE stay with what is familiar and what we are used to. We stick to the promises we made, even when the person does not deserve it and is not honoring their end of the deal.

If it helps you, you could think of it this way – The other person has broken the contract by not honoring their end of the bargain. They broke it , not you. You are free to walk away without feeling like a quitter.

So I told my daughter, we were going to back down the hill. I was changing the original choice to go up there. It had become apparent that the situation was very unsafe. The likelihood of damage to the car and to ourselves was too high of a risk.

Assess your risks. Not just at the beginning because new information comes all the time. If new information tells you that something is wrong, that is the time to assess the risks again.

If it is not worth the potential hurt to you, then don’t continue. There are other paths that are full of possibilities. There are adventures awaiting you and very interesting people to meet.

Change the path. It is ok. Think of all the possibilities that are waiting to meet you on another path.

There is always another choice, another path, another job, another lover, another lifestyle. There is no point of no return as long as you are open to possibilities.

It is your life. You are the one that has to live with the consequences of your choices in the end.

You have the right to be safe, happy and productive. You have the right to pursue the paths that look good to you and change to a different path if you want to.

Enjoy your paths and your choices. God Bless all of You
Thank you for Hearing my voice

Namaste,
Annie

Mental Illness / Emotional Healing – The Poweful Effects of Human Electromagnetic Fields on the Nervous System

“The human nervous system can create electric energy waves that can be measured with scientific instruments. The human body produces infra-red radiation that, with night vision equipment, can be seen from miles away.”
Human Electricity

Spiritual garden.com

Scientists have proven that all people give off an electromagnetic field. The nerve impulses in our bodies are actually electric signals. These occur inside of our bodies but they also project out of the body. They create a magnetic energy field that radiates out into the air.

Positive people will radiate a positive energy field and negative people will send out a negative one.
When you are in the vicinity of another person, you will be affected by the energy field that radiates from them.

When close to some people, you may feel as if your body and mind becomes more energised, more hopeful and optimistic.
When close to other people, you may feel as if your energy drains away, a depressing or lazy feeling.“
Human Electricity Spiritual garden.com

When we are trying to heal from a mental illness and addiction, it is critical that we surround ourselves with positive energy fields. If we are made to feel depressed and discouraged, then our self-esteem will go down.

We need our self-esteem to be high in order to have healing in our minds and our bodies.
Low self-esteem is counterproductive to our personal healing and peace of mind.

It is extremely important for our self-esteem that we are around people that radiate positive energy fields. Our bodies will be affected by the other person’s nervous system and the resulting energy field.

When we are around people that are mean, judgemental, vindictive, violent, depressed etc, it sends that exact feeling into us. When you are trying to get better from depression , it is not a good thing to be around people who emit negative energy.

As part of the healing process of mental illness, please surround yourself with healthy, compassionate, kind people. It will help your nervous system to feel calmer. Your nervous system will regulate itself with the other person’s.

*This is similar to the way a newborn baby’s heartbeat and breath regulates to its mother’s when they are cuddled together.*

It is dangerous for us to be around a person with a negative spirit about them. Their nervous system is full of negtivity. This negativity will be felt and absorbed directly into our own personal nervous system.

This is a tested scientific fact. The energy fields have been measured and recorded. This is the reason why you feel bad when you are around a selfish, unkind person.

I know that sometimes we live with someone who is like this. It happens to the best of us. We meet a beautiful man and he seems so great in the beginning. After we move in together then his true colors show themselves. I have done it myself.

If you are stuck in a house with someone that emits negativity then you have a problem. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to spend some with other people who are good for you. Think about your physical proximity to this person and try not to sit close to them all the time.

If you have severe anxiety, PTSD or another mental illness that invades your mind with negative intrusive thoughts, then you need to regulate your nervous system with someone else’s as often as possible.

If you are near someone who is calm and patient, with a kind personality, your nervous system will regulate with theirs and you will feel calmer. It is amazing but it is true.

All the work we go though to become sober from alcohol, quit drugs, control intrusive thoughts etc, we don’t need to be going up the down escalator by sucking bad energy into our nervous systems.

Check out the article called Human Electricity, at spiritual garden.com
I found this article and the web site very interesting and informative. I stumbled upon the site this evening.

On a personal note, I find that I feel my nervous system calming down when I pet my bunny rabbit. I think that animals must also emit energy fields that can be calming to our nervous system. So spending time with your pet be may be helpful. I have not researched this yet but now I have something to do while I am up with my insomnia tonight. LOL

Peace be to you all.
Namaste,
Annie