Self Esteem and Mental Illness / Mental Abuse in Childhood

Mental Illness goes hand in hand with having  low self esteem. It is a circle that feeds itself.

The inability to do some of the basic things that other people can do, has an effect on our our self esteem. On the flip side, the low self esteem creates more depression and interferes with the chemistry in the brain.

 Self esteem is “an overall emotional judgement evaluation of his or her self worth.”  Wikidpedia

“It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, “I am competent,”   “I am worthy”)…” Wikipedia

“… self-esteem is “the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness… the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect (a feeling of personal worth).” Nathaniel  Branden 1969

Dr, Brandon, author of many self esteem books, talks about a person’s belief about their own ability to face challenges. If a person is fully confident in their own ability to deal with challenges , then they have high self esteem.

When we doubt our own ability to effectively tackle the daily challenges of life, we have low self esteem. Depression can be made worse by the fear that we cannot function effectively.

Many people have come from families that want their children to be competent and have the ability to support themselves as adults. The children are encouraged to do well and succeed in school and other activities. The children were rewarded for trying hard, following through and doing well. Thus they developed a pattern of success and feeling good about success.

Some people had dysfunctional childhoods. They did not have a supportive encouragement that built their self esteem. Yjeu were not prepared for dealing with the challenges of life.

Not only was  not rewarded for succeeding, we were undermined. I lived with an alcoholic mother who would wake me up on school nights and interfere with my sleep. In addition to that, even though she had money, she did not keep enough food in the house that I knew how to prepare myself.

She would go out drinking after work and not come home until late at night. Many days I did not have enough to eat to be able to concentrate well in school.

In my perception, it was more of a priority for me to take care of her, than to take care of myself and my schoolwork. I had to take over the childcare and chores that she would not do. As far as helping me with homework or praising me for good grades, that was non-existent.

I have observed that many people with mental illness had parents that were mentally abusive. The constant criticism and lack of respect interfered with the normal development of self esteem.

“Brandon further believed ,”It (self esteem)  exists as a consequence of the implicit judgment that every person has of their ability to face life’s challenges, to understand and solve problems, and their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.^{[7]”  Wikipedia}

Brandon mentions the “right” to happiness. People that grew up in abusive homes, were taught that they had no right to happiness. The only person that had rights was the abuser.

According to this model by Brandon, a person with high self esteem,  feels that he or she deserves to be respected.

 A person must have experienced  “being respected”, in  order to feel that they  “should be” respected by others or even themselves. When children grow up in an atmosphere of disrespect , they have trouble as an adult having the feeling that anyone will respect them.

The feeling of not deserving respect is a condition of low self esteem.

A constant feeling that people will not respect you , will not like you, and will not value your input, can turn into mental illness. The brain chemistry is configured during childhood to have low self esteem, which causes thinking patterns that are not the same as mentally healthy people.

The brain can be rewired as an adult. We do have the capacity to develop self esteem that we were not accustomed to as children and teenagers. In order to do this, we have to somehow override the programming already set up in our brains, The neurons in our brains are re-trainable to wire differently.

It can take years to fix this problem. First we have to identify that we have a self esteem problem. Then we have to recognize that it goes back to our childhood or perhaps to an abusive adult relationship.

After that we have to decide that we are worthy of feeling good about ourselves and it is just incorrect programming of our minds that has been there for a long time. To overcome the emotional and mental injury of abuse, we need to be proactive for ourselves.

I have been doing some research about re-wiring the brain through some holistic methods. I will post some ideas in upcoming blog posts, For now, just know that you are special and unique. You are worth the focused intention from yourself that is required to become more stable and to feel better about yourself.

All of us who have been through trauma, need some extra help. We all have something to offer to each other in terms of support, encouragement and intelligent ideas for recovery.

Blessing to all

Annie

Anxiety and Fear of Authority

It is 2am and I know I need to sleep. I have appointments tomorrow with authority type bureaucracy type people and that always causes severe anxiety and a feeling of threat.

Past traumas have caused my brain to send of alarms of dealing with these types of people and organizations.

I am sure that some of you have the same feeling of threat of authorities. I think that some of us just were not meant to survive in a world of bureaucracy and power people.

There could be a couple of explanations for this for people who have this same fear cycle. I want to validate the people that feel this way and to think through it with you so we can find healing.

I feel that the first step to healing is validation. The next step to healing is understanding the triggers, cycles and reactions of these brain patterns. Then we can find ways to interfere with the automatic patterns.

There is most likely some past trauma with authority that makes people feel threatened. It may be government or civil authority or it may be household authorities.

It is the feeling that someone is in control of our situations and we have no say in the outcome. It is also the feeling that the outcome will be bad.

Some people may have a fear of a lack of control. It is a feeling that our lives, our comfort and our safety are in the hands of other people.

There are ways to feel more empowered but it is easier said than done to simply turn off that fear center of the brain. Some triggers are very imbedded into our brains.

The thing that has helped me lately is the idea that forks in the road are an illusion. When we look back at life there are less true ” forks” in the road than we perceived at the time.

We are all walking on our path. It has turns and curves. It goes this way and that way. The number of life or death “forks” in the road are less than we think.

We fall into this perception that a given situation is going to have tremendous impact on the rest of our lives. Some of the time it is more of a major inconvenience that causes severe anxiety. But whichever way it turns out, there will not be a dramatic impact on the rest of our lives.

The other thing we do is that we run the scenario of the upcoming situation in our minds.

We run through the conversations, the questions, the answers and the doom at the end. Often times when we get there, the entire scenario is different than we expected it to be.

It does not mean that it will go well but it may not go as badly as we expect it to.

Still, there is a fear of the unknown. There is a fear of the anxiety itself. We imagine how we will feel in the situation

. We imagine going into a severe anxiety attack right in the middle of the office. We will appear as someone they will not want to deal with.

The fear of the pain of the anxiety is a big part of the mental torment.

We also feel frustrated and angry that people do not seem to care about us. They will not be understanding or compassionate.

I have mentioned in previous posts that people with social anxiety have a fear of other people that have a lack of compassion and understanding.

Other people seem to have no problem separating the people who have compassion from the people who do not. There are roles that people play in our lives.

Our friends and family are supposed to care about us. People providing professional services that we pay for , are not obligated to have compassion for us.

It would be nice if all people had understanding and compassion for each other. But the reality is that there are few people who act with compassion during  most of their daily interactions.

The thought that everyone “should” have compassion for us is unrealistic. It is a nice idea but it will never happen.

Maybe this is the confusion for us. We want people to listen to us and to treat us like individuals.

We want to be more than just a number.

But the world is made up of people that do their job with no regard for other people’s individual situation, condition, or their lives. It seems like a frightening thing when people can make decisions for our families and our lives without really getting to know us.

The insurance company approves or disapproves a treatment for a person who really needs it without knowing anything about them. The government assesses taxes on a person who it could destroy without having any compassion.

A teacher calls social services on a mother based on a conversation she overheard between two children that was taken out of context. A landlord adds on an enormous late fee to a late rent payment without finding out the situation.

It goes on and on. People do not have compassion and do not take time to hear us. It can be frightening and hurtful.

So here we are. we have to deal with authorities in order to live. For people that are triggered by authority confrontations this can be devastating. Any interaction feels like imminent doom. Often it does not tuen out badly but sometimes it does.

We end up working against ourselves because we go into the office in severe anxiety. The anxiety diminishes our capacity to handle the situation as well as other people would.

Our rational side of the brain is overridden by the fear side.

We dream of a world of peace and love. A world were everyone cares about other people. A world where the individual situation is taken into account.

I am going to sleep now , hopefully to dream of the flowers and rainbows world. So silly.

Together maybe we can think of some tools to cope. I will post anything I find that works. I have compassion for all of you.

Namaste,
Annie

Staying Sober while Living with an Alcoholic Drinker

The question has been posed to me as to whether or not a newly sober person can maintain their sobriety while living with an alcoholic who is drinking.

This is a tremendously difficult situation to be in. It is extremely painful and full of mental and emotional torture.

If you have become sober then you have achieved a difficult goal. In order to maintain it, you need support. You need the support of people who understand how difficult it is to stay sober. You need the support of people who boost your self-esteem.

You also need emotional support. You need family and friends that are on your side and can understand how you feel. It is important to be around people that boost your self-esteem. You need to feel worthy of the effort to stay sober.

An alcoholic partner who is drinking , is not able to be emotionally available for you. They cannot sympathize with your feelings. They cannot understand what it is like to maintain your sobriety. It is a daily struggle to be strong and find alternate ways to relieve anxiety and stress.

The alcohol is a way of escape from anxiety and stress. If you are no longer drinking then you need other ways to reduce stress and help with depression.

The alcoholic is still drowning themselves in alcohol as a way of escaping reality and responsibility. They are dumping their responsibilities on you. They are not only leaving you alone, in your time of need but they are adding on the stress of dealing with them.

It is not a good situation. If you are trapped in this type of homelife then you need extra support from other people.

It is bad for your mental health to be in this situation. It is easier said than done to tell you to get out. Financial entanglements are hard to unwind. Emotional tangles are even harder.

You want the person to be proud of you. You want them to hold you and comfort you. You need them to praise you and encourage you for each day you stay sober, as you become comfortable with your new behavioral patterns.

The sad truth is – they won’t do any of these things for you and are not going to in the near future.

It seems so cruel to say that. But misleading someone is not kind, especially if it will cause them to seek something, only to be disappointed and crushed.

Someone who is newly sober needs to find new things that they will enjoy to do. Activities outside of the house might help. Going out with friends after AA meetings is good.

Do not let the partner discourage you from attending meetings. You need to keep up with your healing.

It would be very easy to feel sorry for the alcoholic. You may also feel angry at them or sad that they don’t love you enough. All of these feelings are normal and you are allowed to feel what you feel. But don’t let the alcoholic’s bad addictive behaviors draw you in.

They may resent you or perceive that you think that you are better than them, now that you are sober.

Do not let them manipulate you by making you feel guilty for being sober.

They are choosing their own path of demise. Sadly, they are choosing it over you.

No matter what the partner tells you – You are important and your path to maintaining a happy, fulfilling, sober lifestyle is a good path. If you keep going forward there will be good things that await you.

Morning Anxiety / Coping Skills for Anxiety Attacks

I get anxiety as soon as I wake up in the morning. This is from the moment I open my eyes. It is like an attack of fear upon consciousness.

I have come up with some tools that help me to decrease the level of anxiety, when I remember to use them.

I have tried to find something to do before I get out of the bed that will help. For a while, I was getting on Pinterest from my cell phone. I would look up pictures of bunny rabbits. I found that those sweet silly creatures are healing to me.

I also like to look up artwork like paintings and drawings of fairies and mermaids. The fantasy world helped take my mind out of the stress of the upcoming day.

I also tried facebook, but personally that did not help me because it brought me into the real world that I was not ready to get into yet.

I have begun to do some slow yoga postures in my bed. it helps the pain and stiffness I have from arthritis. Part of my anxiety of dealing with the day is the thought of pain from moving around the house.

What I have done the last week or so , is to get onto wordpress and read blogs. I find topics that are calming to me.

If you can find something that is calming to you , that you are able to do first thing upon waking up, maybe it will help ward off that early morning panic attack. It may take a little more time for you to get out of bed. It seems like this will slow you down and cut into your day. But the truth is that severe anxiety cuts into your day and decreases productivity.

Let me know what you come up with. It can be before you leave the bed or maybe some yoga stretches on the floor right next to the bed. Maybe a meditation sitting on the bedroom floor.

I am still working on my morning wake-up stress. Some days these tools really do help. I wish you all a more peaceful morning tomorrow.

Namaste,
Annie

Mental Illness / Emotional Healing – The Poweful Effects of Human Electromagnetic Fields on the Nervous System

“The human nervous system can create electric energy waves that can be measured with scientific instruments. The human body produces infra-red radiation that, with night vision equipment, can be seen from miles away.”
Human Electricity

Spiritual garden.com

Scientists have proven that all people give off an electromagnetic field. The nerve impulses in our bodies are actually electric signals. These occur inside of our bodies but they also project out of the body. They create a magnetic energy field that radiates out into the air.

Positive people will radiate a positive energy field and negative people will send out a negative one.
When you are in the vicinity of another person, you will be affected by the energy field that radiates from them.

When close to some people, you may feel as if your body and mind becomes more energised, more hopeful and optimistic.
When close to other people, you may feel as if your energy drains away, a depressing or lazy feeling.“
Human Electricity Spiritual garden.com

When we are trying to heal from a mental illness and addiction, it is critical that we surround ourselves with positive energy fields. If we are made to feel depressed and discouraged, then our self-esteem will go down.

We need our self-esteem to be high in order to have healing in our minds and our bodies.
Low self-esteem is counterproductive to our personal healing and peace of mind.

It is extremely important for our self-esteem that we are around people that radiate positive energy fields. Our bodies will be affected by the other person’s nervous system and the resulting energy field.

When we are around people that are mean, judgemental, vindictive, violent, depressed etc, it sends that exact feeling into us. When you are trying to get better from depression , it is not a good thing to be around people who emit negative energy.

As part of the healing process of mental illness, please surround yourself with healthy, compassionate, kind people. It will help your nervous system to feel calmer. Your nervous system will regulate itself with the other person’s.

*This is similar to the way a newborn baby’s heartbeat and breath regulates to its mother’s when they are cuddled together.*

It is dangerous for us to be around a person with a negative spirit about them. Their nervous system is full of negtivity. This negativity will be felt and absorbed directly into our own personal nervous system.

This is a tested scientific fact. The energy fields have been measured and recorded. This is the reason why you feel bad when you are around a selfish, unkind person.

I know that sometimes we live with someone who is like this. It happens to the best of us. We meet a beautiful man and he seems so great in the beginning. After we move in together then his true colors show themselves. I have done it myself.

If you are stuck in a house with someone that emits negativity then you have a problem. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to spend some with other people who are good for you. Think about your physical proximity to this person and try not to sit close to them all the time.

If you have severe anxiety, PTSD or another mental illness that invades your mind with negative intrusive thoughts, then you need to regulate your nervous system with someone else’s as often as possible.

If you are near someone who is calm and patient, with a kind personality, your nervous system will regulate with theirs and you will feel calmer. It is amazing but it is true.

All the work we go though to become sober from alcohol, quit drugs, control intrusive thoughts etc, we don’t need to be going up the down escalator by sucking bad energy into our nervous systems.

Check out the article called Human Electricity, at spiritual garden.com
I found this article and the web site very interesting and informative. I stumbled upon the site this evening.

On a personal note, I find that I feel my nervous system calming down when I pet my bunny rabbit. I think that animals must also emit energy fields that can be calming to our nervous system. So spending time with your pet be may be helpful. I have not researched this yet but now I have something to do while I am up with my insomnia tonight. LOL

Peace be to you all.
Namaste,
Annie

When Someone with Mental Illness Reached Out to You / Scenario 1

When someone with mental illness reaches out to you about how they are feeling, please think before you speak. The cliche things that we have heard a million times are frustrating and make us feel misunderstood.

Presumptuous actions and words can be very hurtful. A person having extreme anxiety or depression can quickly spiral down into a dangerous place for them.

*Be gentle with your tone of voice and your words, as if they were standing on the edge of a cliff.*

Here is a way you can be of “real help” as opposed to “junk help.”

Scenario 1

Robin calls Mary and asks how she is doing. Mary says ,

“I am having an anxiety attack. The repairman is coming today to fix the washer.
The house is too messy to have him here. I am thinking about calling to cancel, but the thought of the phone call is giving me extreme anxiety.”

Don’t Say – “Don’t cancel the appointment. Just deal with it. The washer has to be fixed.”

*Only the person knows how bad their anxiety is. To force them into the situation could cause a much more severe , possibly dangerous state of anxiety, Let them decide.*

Don’t Say – “Have you taken your meds today?”

* We know what pills have taken and why. The meds we have or have not taken today is not the point. It actually draws attention away from what she needs to talk about. *

*The exception to this would be if you are her caregiver or if she has requested that you check in with her because she forgets to take her meds.”

Don’t Say – “Your apartment is fine. You worry too much about a little mess.

*It is not the reality of the mess that is the issue. It is our perception of the mess and the intrusive thoughts that we have no control over.*

Don’t Say – I am on my way over to clean up your house. I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Bye.

*OMG! I am having anxiety just typing this.
We told you that we are having anxiety about someone seeing the house this way. The thought of you forcing us to have you here is terrifying. The level of anxiety that having you see the mess could cause is extreme. This is only triggering a higher level of anxiety and making us want to lie the next time you ask how we are doing.*

Do Say – I understand that you are having extreme anxiety right now. Is there anything I can say or do that would be helpful to you?

When Someone with a Mental Illness Reaches Out to You / Do’s and Don’ts

I thought of this idea this morning. It is a way for people with mental illness to get real help from others. There are some people in your life that want to help but they just end up making things worse.

When that happens, you do not want to communicate with them about your pain.
You end up keeping all of your pain bottled up like a secret.

No one wants to reach out for help just to feel invalidated, misunderstood, judged, scolded, intruded upon, and pushed farther down.

The problem that I have experienced is that people “guess” at what will be helpful. They always guess WRONG because they do not understand.

They have not been inside of that pool of pain, feeling the water going farther and farther over their heads. They do not know what it feels like when we are basically being drowned by our own emotions.

It is not something we are allowing to happen or are causing. It is something that invades our minds like a virus. We have no control over the attack of our own brain on us.

Our brain begins to attack itself, our bodies and our hearts. Asking someone to just stop their mental suffering is like asking someone to stop a broken leg from hurting.

A broken bone hurts because our body senses injury. Then the nervous system tells the brain we are hurt, The brain then responds by sending horrific pain signals back through the nervous system to the injury.
So the cycle is : injury, nervous system, brain, nervous system, severe pain.

It is exactly the same cycle with mental illness. The brain and the nervous system coordinate together.

1.Something triggers an intrusive thought.

2. An intrusive thought hurts the brain by activating neurons that are wired to the person’s thought behaviors.

3.The brain reacts by sending a signal through the nervous system into the entire body.

4. The pain is felt throughout the body. It is a nervous system attack.

Neurological behavioral patterns in a person with mental illness are different than other people. It is a biological difference of how the neurons are attached.

The way our neurons are attached in the brain has a disfunction. We cannot do anything about it. It actually gets worse every time we have an episode.

*I will mention here that there is new holistic neurological research ongoing about the ability to rewire the neurons in our brains. I am studying this currently and will let you know when I have anything helpful to tell you. So there is hope. However for the time being , we are stuck with the faulty wiring.*

If people can understand that there is actual biology that is misbehaving with us, maybe they will understand better that our own brains actually attack us, against our will.

So, I am going to give individual scenarios with a do’s and don’t lists for people with mental illness to use as a tool, when reaching out for help. Please feel free to show them or quote the information I provided above , as a way for a greater understanding that most people do not have.

I have experienced myself, that people trying to “help” you, have some go-to words and actions that are both useless and hurtful to us. My next post is going to be Scenario 1.

Please leave me ideas for situations you have been in, so that I can include them. I will try to post a couple of them a week.

Namaste,
Annie

Domestic Abuse and Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develope insomnia. There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe.

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

For those people with children in the house, they also can’t protect their children while they are asleep.

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by , on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets kind of sick.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.

Take care of yourself.

Namaste,
Annie

Which Type of Anxiety Disorder Do You Have? Labels in Psychology

Labels are fine for understanding symptoms and causes for your anxiety disorder but please don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Everyone is different. There are different types of anxiety but the main difference is the cause. The way it manifests itself is really individual.

Something causes you to feel scared and threatened. It injures the part of your brain that can differentiate potential levels of threat. Some people feel unsafe almost constantly and can’t shake it.

Some people are triggered by some kind of stimuli like a sound, a smell, a song, a place, a type of behavior (for example I will begin to go into a traumatic state if someone raises their voice yelling at me or what I perceive is yelling at me) The change in the tone of voice , to me, is the beginning of a threat to follow.

You are a unique person. You feel what you feel. If your anxiety or depression is causing you to feel unsafe consistently or is interfering in your life then you need help.

What kind of help is the question but that is another blog. The important thing is that you are important and how you feel is important.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t really need as much help as someone else.

Don’t let some label on your condition make you feel like you should not reach out for help because someone else has a “worse” anxiety problem. The level of your problem is determined by how you feel. No one has the right to tell you.

PTSD is not worse than severe anxiety disorder or panic attacks. The cause may be different but suffering is suffering. No one should feel alone and misunderstood by everyone. No one’s diagnosis should make them feel invalidated.

Besides who is to say you don’t have a combination of types of anxiety? Who is to say that you are not a completely unique case and you don’t just have Your type of anxiety.

Please know that I only label the posts to reach out to people with these problems and to take a look at some of the research.

The truth is that all of the answers are not in the research. If they were , then everyone would be fixed ! LOL

The therapists do not always diagnose people correctly or treat people the way that is appropriate. Otherwise, again, everyone would be fixed!

If the doctors, psychiatrists, neurologists and counselors have all the answers then tell me this. Why are all of us on wordpress, at 2 o’clock in the morning, looking to each other for help and validation?

Think about it.
Namaste,
Annie

Equal Rights for Anxiety Disabilites

It is amazing how anxiety can infiltrate your day to day life. I did not used to be aware why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I just felt invaded by everything. I was not aware that certain things were triggering anxiety, OCD and post traumatic stress.

The bunny cage needs to be changed. I feel tremendous anxiety in the house now. All I have to do is change it but I don’t have the bunny litter. I am getting ready to go get that now.

But the feeling of anxiety and the path it follows is horrible. It is just a smell and it id very easily fixed. But that is not where the anxiety is coming from. It is not my sweet, cuddly bunny or the smell at all.

It is what that smell is triggering in my poor brain. Triggering is so severely that I find myself walking back and forth and back and forth. I am straightening things. Putting things from one place to another and then changing my mind and putting them back again. I am looking at the pile of clothes on the floor and wanting to cry rather than put them away.

I feel the house will get dirtier and messier against my will. There will be nothing I can do to stop it. It feels like the house and the mess are enemies and it will grow and get worse even as i am out of the house with no one here

The thoughts are  irrational and I know that. I keep trying to figure out what is wrong so I can make it stop.

The problem is that this type of anxiety does not have so much to do with what is right here in front of me. I can straighten the mess and clean the bunny cage. But I will still feel this trauma when I am done.

I will feel that it will just keep being messy, dirty and smelly, no  matter how many hours I spend cleaning, which is so hard because I have chronic pain from herniated discs, arthritis and scoliosis.

The process of cleaning is painful because of my spine injuries. I feel like the house knows this and it creating the mess so I will have to bend and reach and hurt. I feel like the house knows that I will give up and just leave it and then the mess will eat me alive or cause social services to put me in a mental ward.

But all of this is irrational and I am aware of the irrational thinking. I am a very educated , professional person. I am perfectly intelligent and I know the house won’t bury me in my sleep.

But the smell and the mess are triggering a severe buried memory of a horrible traumatic situation I lived in long ago. So traumatic that I can’t remember pieces of it. There are blacked out spaces of time in my brain. I do not have any desire to open them up either.

I think if your mind blacks things out, that is its way of protecting you. Your brain knows you would not survive remembering those things, considering how severe the anxiety is with the things that you do remember.

So recognizing the fact that my current anxiety is being caused by past abuse, is helpful. I am not crazy or too picky about how the house smells.

The fact that my tolerance for smells like that is more intolerable to me that to other people is just a symptom of post traumatic stress.

We have to be tolerant of ourselves. We have to be forgiving and kind to ourselves about these attacks. Especially because other people are less than patient with us about it. If we tell someone we have to clean up this thing right now, they don’t understand why it has to be right now.

They may want us to do something else now and clean the mess later. They think  we are being uncooperative with them that we have to do things “our way.”

The truth is that we are NOT really demanding to do things our way. We are not trying to be difficult or ruin the other person’s schedule. Sometimes we HAVE to do something right now. If it does not get rectified right now then the anxiety will continue to increase to an unbearable level.

If we go with them to do what they want without taking care of reducing our anxiety first then we will not feel good at all while we are with them. We will get more and more traumatized by the things going though our mind.

Somehow it has to get to a point where people will be understanding of severe anxiety disorders and tolerate letting you perform your rituals that help reduce the levels. They should tolerate and understand if going out to a social activity is simply intolerable to us on a particular day.

We are expected to be tolerant of all kinds of differences in people. We are even ordered by law to not discriminate against people for color, sex, or disabilities. But mental illness like anxiety, depression, and OCD are not tolerated or sympathized with.

We have to make allowances for others that require unique understanding or adaptations. There are handicapped access ramps, translators an interpreters etc.

Where is our handicap ramp that will allow us to be 10 minutes late for work because we were having a severe panic attack? Where is our interpreter to translate what we are going through to someone who does not understand our language? An interpreter for what is going on in our brains and how it affect us in a physical way?

Who will advocate for us with our invisible disability?