abusive relationships, dealing with annoying friends, empowerment, friendships, life, lifestyle, relationships, self-esteem, self-help, toxic personaloties

Choose Your Relationships with Wisdom ; Friendships and Partner Relationships

True friends will show you their love by being supportive and allowing you to follow your own path. They will listen to you without judgement when you talk to them. They will respect you as a person and not say things that lower your self esteem.

You can tell if you have a great friend by how you feel when you are with them. You should feel comfortable when you are with them and they should not do or say things to make you feel bad about yourself or to make you doubt yourself.

 Your self esteem should go up when you are with them and never down.

Rather than viewing your friendship by only  looking at things that your friend does, it is more important to think about how you feel. Even if someone does nice things for you but you still feel your self esteem lower when you are with them, then they may not be a good friend for you.

A friend is someone who you spend time with and while you are interacting with them, you feel good about yourself. In turn they should feel good about themselves when they are interacting with you.

There are certain combinations of people that are better together than others. No matter what, a good friend is someone who pulls you up mentally and emotionally. You can be yourself without fear of judgement. They want for you to be able to be yourself.

The same goes for intimate partner relationships.

No one can tell you that they are a good partner for you.  They cannot decide for you that they are good to you.  Only you know whether you feel good when you are interacting with someone. You always know yourself better than anyone else does. 

There are certain kinds of manipulative people that will tell you that they are good to you because they did this or that fav or for you. They will try to convince you that they are a good person for you and that you should appreciate them. 

Someone telling you that they are good to you does not mean that it is true.

Some people just decide what they think you want and need. Other people intentionally try to control and manipulate you. A real friend will ask you and pay attention to what you need, what you like and what how you feel.

If you are in a relationship and you are not sure if it is good for you, one way to evaluate the relationship is to pay attention to how you feel mentally and emotionally. Here are a few situations to think about.

In order for this to help you, it has to be done in a way that is honest with yourself. Think about it objectively like a science experiment and you are having to gather data. What are the actual emotional feelings and also feelings in the body.

  1. When the person tells you that they are on their way over to your house, do you feel anxious and upset? Do you feel relaxed or excited? Are you looking forward to this visit or are you secretly hoping they will not come?
  2. When you hear the text message sound on your phone, how do you feel i your body? Tune in to your body and think about the sensations that occur. Do you get butterflies in a good way? Do you get twisted knots in your stomach?
  3. What words are said in your head when you hear the text sound? Do you say “Oh no” or do you rush to the phone thinking “I hope I can talk to them”
  4. How do you feel when you hear their car pull up in the driveway? Does your body react in a way that feels uncomfortable? Do you get a rush of dopamine and feel good?
  5. How do you feel when your partner is in the house with you? How does this compare to how you feel when they are not there? Do you feel anxious or nervous when they are in the house? Do you feel safer and comfortable when they are in the house?
  6. How do you feel when you hear your partner coming closer to the room you are in? What is the first thought that goes through your head when you hear your partner? 
  7. When you have to make a decision about something that you will have to relay to your partner, how do you feel? Does the thought of having to tell them you made a decision make you worry about how they will react? Do you feel that they will respect your decision and you ability to make decisions? Do you have fear or anxiety about what they will say?
  8. How comfortable do you feel sleeping when they are in the house? Do you feel safe to be vulnerable and sleep?
  9. If you accomplish something like getting a promotion, how do you feel when you think about telling your partner? Are you looking forward to telling them? Are you nervous about telling them?
  10. How do you feel when you make a mistake about something they wanted you to do? If you cannot make them the dinner they requested because you forgot one ingredient at the store, are you afraid of how they will react?

The above list are some of the questions that can help you to get a more objective perspective about the relationship. You can think of some of your own to add, if you like.

No one should ever be afraid of their partner, friend or family member. You should not always have anxiety and nervousness around them. If you are afraid to be near someone then it should be a red flag. This includes being afraid of feeling embarrassed or criticized or being made to feel bad in any way.

You should not feel like spending time with them is taxing, draining or lowers your self esteem. You should be able to maintain feelings of self worth when you are around them. 

The relationships should have balance.

You should not spend more time thinking about how to please someone than you spend thinking about yourself. They should not always be focused on what they need and neglect your needs. 

Discussing any problems in the relationship should allowed and not make you feel afraid of any punishment, including emotional punishment.

 What I mean by that is that you should not feel that you cannot express your feelings about the relationship to them. If there is a problem you should be able to speak about it without the fear of angering them or the fear of them leaving or threatening to leave you.

Friendships and partner relationships should be positive and have the effect of building up your identity. You should not be losing your identity or feel like it is being taken over by someone.

You should not feel overshadowed or dominated by a friend, a partner or a family member. 

Each person should have a separate identity and an equally important role in the relationship that is valued and appreciated. You need to spend time with people who allow you to be the best You that you can be.

abusive relationships, Dealing with difficult personalities, health and wellness, Healthy lifestyle, life, love, Narcissists

Healthy Relationships Support Your Mental Emotional Health

The art of unconditional love seems to be becoming a rare commodity. This is unfortunate,  because we need to live in an environment that supports our emotional health.

Nurturing relationships are important for our mental well being and our overall health. We need people to confide in and to be able to count on to be there for us.

Not only do many people never experience what it would feel like for someone to treat them with unconditional love, some people have never experienced it at all.

I would even go as far to say that some people do not know what a relationship of unconditional love would look or feel like. People that grew up without unconditional love often do not know how to find it as an adult.

This society has become one based on “dealing out” affection, appreciation and love as if it were a commodity.

There are different types of love in different kinds of relationships to each other.

Friendship love is different from romantic love. Love of a mentor is different from love for an elderly neighbor that has been like a grandmother to you have known for years.

Unconditional love should ideally be two sided. One sided unconditional love can become a situation of manipulation and abuse. There are plenty of examples of one-sided unconditional love relationships.

These  one-sided unconditional love relationships often involve one selfless person who understands this concept and another person who takes advantage of it. Relationahips like these are likely to end up being exploitative and abusive.

Healthy relationships should support you, rather than pull you down.  Unconditional love is when two people choose to love and care about each other.

That love is not contingient on the person being perfect. It is based on loving someone for who they are as a person.

Withholding of love and affection is not used as a weapon. Love is not handed out based on someone acting like the person you want them to be. It is not withheld as a tool to manipulate them into compliance.

I am not referring to feeling closer to someone when they are being closer to you. I am not discouraging giving someone approval when they are loving to you.

A relationship of mutual unconditional love is a choice to try to be patient. It is not jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst about someone.

It is giving someone a chance to communicate with you in a non-judgemental atmosphere of kindness.

Relationahips where both people choose daily treat the other person with value and respect can be rewarding and foster an atmosphere of calmness, trust and safety. These are relationahips where both people can grow and live in a mentally and emotionally supportive environment.

Our society seems to be getting more and more competitive and it is becoming more focused on individual achievement than on relationships.

There is generally more value placed on external representations of worldly success than there is value for interpersonal hhumanity and kindness.

Predators who seek out and target victims for exploitation, in a variety of ways, are becoming more skilled. There are even blogs and web sites that are designed to instruct people how to be more narcissistic.

These blogs I have come across teach that the Machiavellian philosphy of “the ends justifies the means”  and they condone man’s inhumanity to man.

As a sensitive or empathic person it is difficult to avoid becoming victimized by people with little or no empathy. Once people are victimized or severely emotionally (or otherwise)  injured, they often retreat into a safety zone of distrusting others.

Even one or two relationships in your life that are based on unconditional love and kindness, would add great value and comfort to your life. There are still people who have the ability to offer this to you.

The people that still understand the value of relationships are also sometimes the ones who are most easily injured by the people who see no value in trusting relationships. Other people have become bitter and no longer believe anyone is worth bothering with.

Finding these golden few caring relationships in your life isdifficult. Lessons are often learned in painful, sometimes devastating ways.

Learning about abusive personalities and how to deal with manipulative people has now become a survival skill. It is necessary to know the red flags of an abusive person and to be able to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship early on.

In order to find healthy friendships and partner relationships we must learn how to set healthy boundaries. In turn we have to respect the boundaries of others.

Wasting our time on relationahips that do not nurture and support us is time we could be spending with someone much better for us.

Even interactions with family members who deplete our energy, and lower our self esteem, should be minimized.

Life is too short and you are to valueable to settle for unfullfilling relationahips. Material things do not make up for meaningful relationships.

Value yourself and believe that there are people who would value you for the person who you are inside. You are worth it and your quality of life matters.

compassion, dating, family, kindness, life, love peom, poem, poetry, relationships

Hold My Hand Ten Times

Hold my hand one time

My companion and my listener

Hold my hand two times

My consoler and my validator

Hold my hand three times

My shelter from the storm

Hold my hand four times

My medicine man and healer

Hold my hand five times

My friend and confidant

Hold my hand six times

My supporter and biggest fan

Hold my hand seven times

My strong and handsome man

Hold my hand eight times

My muse and inspiration

Hold my hand nine times

My hope and adoration

Hold my hand ten times

My lover and my soul mate

The reason I stay up late

life, love, mental health

Soul Mate Concept, Possible or Not.

I ended up in a conversation today about the possibility of the existence of one soul mate for each person. Personally  this concept does not make sense in the way that people usually mean it.

But I do believe that I have been with  soul mates of mine, twice in my life. They were people that saw me for who I truly was and understood my intent behind things. They got to know me very well and could usually predict how things would make me feel. They were there for me when and in the way I needed them to be. They were each of them, my best friend, at the time I was with them.

The concept of a soul mate is usually that there is one true perfect match for each person. No other person other than the soul mate could be the right one for you.

If there is one soul mate on the entire earth, then what are the chances you would ever run into them? What are the chances they even live in your country, never mind your city? If there is only one match per person, I would say we are all doomed to me lonely forever.

But what if there are many possible soul mates for each of us? I am not saying that there are 200 guys in your town that would be a great match for you. But there is probably one in France, one in Alaska, one in California and one in your state somewhere, maybe….or maybe not. Maybe they are farther away.

Before the internet, people married their high school sweethearts. Being that I work with elderly people, I have run into many old people that did , in fact , marry their high school sweetheart or at least someone from their city or town.

People did not have the ability to search high and low, all over the country for a mate.  There was no Match,com or E-Harmony,com or Dharma Match,com ( Check that site out. If you have not heard of it,,,It is a better quality of guy that have some substance and a brain to them.). They did not have social media and al this  stuff.

If their soul mate was not right nearby, then they would likely never meet them. This whole way of meeting people that live in other states, across the country around the world,, is all new.  There have been many  more matches made between local people over all the years people have been dating, than there have been online matches.

So where does that leave us, with the question? If there is only one soul mate per person, how does it make any sense that they have been finding each other all these many years? Is this the only generation that has been able to find their soul mates, due to the social media?

Even the internet dating is a long shot! Do you know how many dating sites there are? Everyone does not even use them. How could you end up finding this one person? (on a side note…Dharma Match is a good one)

The high school sweetheart stories I have heard, often had happy endings. The old people I talk to tell me that they liked this person, they thought they were handsome or pretty and they decided to make it work.  They decided to make it work by deciding to love each other and respect each other. They turned each other into their soul mate, with an intent to do so.

Let’s say you have been looking for a match in your town and suddenly you have to move to another state for a better job…Are you now doomed to not find your match? Was he in your home town and now you have left him?

No, come on. There is surely someone that you can have a soul mate match with, in the new city. It is more of matter of the intent of both people. If you find someone who you like to be with, they listen to you and understand you, they laugh and cry with you…Then I think it is possible that you can connect with them It matters what the intent is in their heart and in yours.

Relationships  are built. They are built with friendship. They are built on trust and having each other’s back. They are built on reliability, compassion and kindness and understanding.  There are likely to be multiple people around the world that you could build a relationship with and feel like soul mates with each other.

It is a matter of intent and creation. You create the relationship together over time.

have fun on your adventure. I do not believe “the ends justifies the means”.  Quality of life and quality of character is all about the  “means”. It is what you do along the path that truly matters.

Namaste,

Annie

Namaste