domestic abuse, life, mental health, mental illness, narcissistic abuse, poem, poetry

Black Sun

Dear sun, rise up yellow
You are supposed to
I am told

The sun that
rises up yellow
Sooths and warms
the soul

Sun rises up yellow
when reality seems
safe

Oh Sun, don’t rise up black
Malicious, dark
and threatening

Sun, don’t rise up black
mental confusion
emotional disillusionment

Sun, don’t rise up black
Darkness permeates all
life is untrustworthy

Sun rises black
when there is a
feeling of hopelessness

Sun rises up black
when there is a generalization
of deceit, untruth, malice

Sun sometimes rises green
to tell you it is time
to begin to change your mind

Sun sometimes rises up green
to call to you
time to take a step again

Sun rises green to sing
a lullaby to your
reality of darkness

Black sun reality
is confirmed
by our perception

Black sun reality
is impregnated by
deception

Yellow sun is wise
it shows the color
of caution

Yellow sun is clarity
self confident
explorative, seeking

Yellow sun rises
fortified with knowledge
wisdom from experience

What about the red?

Red sun is an alarm
Warns you to detach a bit
and evaluate

Red sun is the amygdala
fight or flight
Stressor state

Red sun can be headed
in calmness intelligence
and esteem

Red sun can be
reacted to with panic
abhorrence, or denial

Red sun is followed
by another color
Yellow sun or black

Green sun invites you
to try again
to head the red next time

Green sun is when
your brain perceives
it is ok to go

Don’t stay
in the dark reality
the black sun brings

You will miss the warmth
of the yellow sun
and deprive others as well

Each experience teaches
something you need
you didn’t have before

You can stay in your cave
for a little while
but leave the curtains open

The sun might change
Beckon to your soul
to come out and try again

Anxiety mental illness, depression, life, mental abuse, mental health

When we Go Into in our Cave for Self Preservation

Human connection is needed for each of us. There are times when there is an urge to self isolate, but there the need for connection does not leave.

At times we feel injured in some emotional way. Sometimes it helps to be around people and talk about what caused the injury.

Depending on the circumstances surrounding a mental, psychological and emotional injury, we do not always get relief from interacting with others.

There are things that happen sometimes that affect us deeply, due to both the nature of the injury and also the past injuries that are triggered by it.

It is really a unique injury to us and we do not see any way to share or express the pain.

The worst thing is for someone to minimize our feelings and tell us that it does not seem that bad to them. That can have the result of retraumatizing us and aggravating the psychological injury even further.

Everyone does not have the same past, or even a similar one. One person cannot judge how any incident or ongoing trauma can affect another person. Two people from different pasts may have very different feelings and triggers from the same situation.

If we fear being retraumatized by people, then we will go hide in our cave…be it our house, our bedroom or our bed itself. We become reclusive and isolate ourselves from people and most or all interactions.

This cave retreat-time can be helpful, if we use it to rest, restore and regain our strength and self esteem. How long is okay to stay in the cave, depends on the person and what kind of damage we sustained.

We cannot stay in the cave forever and eventually we have to venture a toe outside the door. If we self isolate too long it can lead to more mental illness and a decrease in ability to interact.

The act of re-entering the human world is not easy. If we have been by ourselves most of the day and night, for a period of time, then we have to re-acclamate to the social world.

This can be difficult and energy consuming. If we have been self isolating for a while then it may take a lot of our energy to start to interact again.

Thus has to be done slowly and at the person’s own pace. Trips back to the cave, for a couple of days at a time may be necessary.

Do not let other people put demands on you or tell you they know what you cam handle. Truthfully you are the only one that can truly know what you can or cannot do.

The cave can feel safe for awhile but you need human interaction also. Blogging is a good way to get some human interaction because you do not have to physically leave the safety of your bed, in order to connect with other caring bloggers.

I just wanted to acknowledge those of you that are in the cave right now or that have had to do that before, due to some traumatic emotional injury or mental imbalance.

It is not an issue that is openly talked about, but maybe it should be. There are times that call for the retreat to the cave.

These are usually painful times that require an entire overhaul of our reality, and our mental and emotional state.

Just because you retreat to the cave does not make you weak. It does not make you stupid. It also does not make you inconsiderate, in spite of how some people may try to guilt you.

Be well. Build your strength through rest, self care and learning. Feeding the brain can be as important as feeding the mind, at times like these.

Blessings,
Annie

death of a loved one, depression, depression after a death, life, mental abuse, mental health, suicide, suicide survivor

Complicated Grief after a Death of a Loved One or Severe Relationship Abuse

Complicated grief can occur after the death of a loved one, after the suicide of a loved one, and also after a narcissist discards you. 

Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.  Mayo Clinic

The Mayo Clinic Lists the signs and symptoms of complicated grief as follows

  • Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one
  • Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
  • Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
  • Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
  • Problems accepting the death
  • Numbness or detachment
  • Bitterness about your loss
  • Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
  • Irritability or agitation
  • Lack of trust in others
  • Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

The problems of complicated grief are severe.

People lose touch with their friends and tend to isolate themselves. It is a mammalian response to want to go crawl into your cave and hide. You want to get away from any triggers and have no desire to be around other people.

It can result in losing one’s job and friends. If it continues, complicated grief can lead to very severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

There are factors which can cause a person to be unable to accept the death of a loved one. The death may have been senseless or violent. The death may have been of a young child or teenager. 

This can be a result of miscarriage or still birth. Any death of one’s child can cause mental trauma.

Some people can experience Complicated Grief after the death of a spouse, especially if they are now left to care for a child with no other parent.

The child’s grief only serves to compound the grief of the parent. They have to carry their own grief and the grief of their child for the lost parent. The more the surviving parent claims, internalizes and feels responsible for the suffering of their child, the more likely it will result in Complicated Grief that they cannot seem to recover from.

The child is a constant reminder of the lost partner. The child is grieving the lost parent. This can easily overcome the strongest of people, who are struggling to keep their child and themselves together, in the midst of their own grief.

There is seldom time for them to deal with their own feelings, because they are dealing with their child’s trauma over the death. This repression of feelings, in order to keep going, can cause the grief to not be resolved. The parent needs to get help with their own feelings.

Sometimes people do not understand why their loved one is still in the same state of grief that they were in months ago.

When they comment that the person should be better by now, it makes the person draw into themselves more, which is the opposite of what needs to happen.

There are any number of circumstances in combination with the person’s mental state at the time of the death, that can lead to ongoing grief that does not heal normally.

This is a very serious mental health disorder. It may need to be treated by a mental health professional. Telling a person to “get over it” or making them feel bad for continuing to feel grief, will only cause the person to further isolate themselves.

Complicated grief can also occur after the victim of narcissistic abuse is cruelly discarded. Their reality has been corrupted intentionally by a psychopath or a narcissist. When the abuser discards you, the world that you know completely falls apart.

There is a chemical addiction that the victims of narcissistic abuse suffer from and there are actual physical and mental withdrawal symptoms. There is also a sudden, rude awakening of the reality as they knew it, being shattered.

The realization that you were with someone in an intimate way, that was very dangerous, can be frightening and cause you to question humanity itself.

So, victims of narcissistic abandonment can go through a similar but different experience of Complicated Grief. As I said, it is a severe mental condition and can cause the victim to contemplate suicide.

Not all people that suffer from complicated grief will become suicidal but it does not make their condition less important to get help with. There is a lack of being able to accept the reality of what happened. Every day the person wakes up and re-experiences the death all over again.

Every day is the same trauma replaying itself.

People cannot go one with this level of severe grief and still live and function normally. It can cause destruction to their mental health and to their functionality in life.

If you are or have experienced the symptoms on the list above, you should reach out for proper help. Do not let people tell you that you “should” just get over it. You cannot get over this condition all alone.

It is not a choice that someone makes to stay have Complicated Grief or PTSD.

It is a state that your brain goes into. Your brain is always trying to protect you, but sometimes it does the wrong thing in the process.

The brain is causing the amygdala to work overtime. You become in a state of post traumatic stress. The brain decides to put the fear centers and the pain centers of the brain, into alarm mode. It is trying to defend you against more trauma.

The problem is that you cannot live and function if your brain is keeping the alarms on all the time. We were not designed to tolerate stress and anxiety in an ongoing, continuous manner. 

The fight or flight mode is a chemical reaction in the brain, that wakes up the amygdala and the frontal cortex. It is supposed to get your body ready to fight or to run. It is like that super adrenaline rush you get when someone does something on the road that is about to cause you to crash. 

It is like if someone were to hold a gun up to your head. It is like any kind of severe life threatening situation occurs. One example might be if you saw your baby in severe danger. Your entire body would feel that. Your blood pressure would rise, your heart rate would increase  etc.

PTSD and Complicated grief are similar in that the alarms are in a permanent ON position.

Someone traumatized from narcissistic abuse may have both of these condition –  PTSD and complicated grief. The grief causing the severe sadness and lack of acceptance. The alarms are on that have to do with not wanting to accept the trauma that you have to experience about the death.

People who have lost a loved one and were not prepared for it, can end up with complicated grief. If the death was violent, or there were circumstances that the person’s brain just cannot accept, then they may also have PTSD.

The conditions of  PTSD and Complicated Grief can exists as comorbid conditions in the same person’s brain. 

What the exact thing that is going on the brain is not as important as the fact that the person is in a severe mental disturbance. It is not sustainable for them and they cannot live normally with this ongoing critical mental disfunction.

God bless and protect those that suffer,

Please reach out for yourself and catch the hand of others who are sinking,

Much Love,

Annie

bipolar disorder, depression, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, suicude

What if You Can’t “Just Get Over It” ? Depression, Trauma, PTSD, Death, Suicide,Mental Illness

Life is hard. It really can suck sometimes. Let’s be truthful about this.

People might be telling you to “suck it up” …  “move on”… “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”  These people are not inside of your head.

You know this and you know that your inner world is different from theirs. Somewhere in your brain, is this voice saying “What is wrong with me? “

Pretending everything is okay with your mental state, is not easy and if it is continuous it will lead you to misery and a mental  breakdown.

No, everyone does not want to listen. No, everyone does not care.

Yes, there are people who are going to say to you “Haven’t you gotten over that yet?”  …and …”everyone has it hard, you have to get over it”

Well, fuck !  Sometimes things happen that you CANNOT just get over. They don’t magically go away. There seems to be no one to talk to.

Im lost too

It is like being in some nightmare land where you speak such a different language than anyone else that you are completely alone with your pain and your perception of life.

Your perception and faith in humanity can be damaged.

Certain things can damage our perception of humanity as a basically good and safe thing to be a part of.

Abuse and trauma rape the soul and the mind. If you have been through something that you cannot seem to heal from, then it probably raped your soul and infected your inner core of being.

It does not have to physical abuse that causes trauma to your inner core of being. Mental and emotional abuse can be severely damaging to your inner being.

If your reality has been messed with by someone who caused you to believe that the world is different than it is, then you are likely to have trouble recovering and “getting over it.”  Narcissistic abuse is one thing that can cause mental disfunction. 

The nature of reality itself can become in question. Your ability to trust people and to feel confident in your ability to know who is safe, can be deeply affected.

Other things can cause us to question our perception of reality. Witnessing things that are personally traumatizing to our psychological state and being in traumatic events, can cause our brains to become ill.

Certain events can cause us to question our purpose to be here. They can even lead to suicidal thoughts. If left without any validation of your real feelings, this state of mind is dangerous to you.

When a loved one dies or becomes terminally ill, your entire world is affected. Some people have different coping skill that other people.

You working with your own past and whatever you have been wired with, in order to evaluate cope. No one is just like you.

People may say  that you should be handling things better, but they are not inside of the entire mental and emotional  package that is in you.

If you are not okay, then you are NOT okay.

That is just  how it is for now. It does not help to shove your feelings down, just to make other people more comfortable. Yes, you have to keep things to yourself a lot of the time, but you cannot do it constantly and permanently.

When did it become such a taboo thing to not be okay?  Why should you be condemned for suffering?

All cultures are not like this. All traditions are not like this.

The world seems to be becoming more narcissistic, as far as what is acceptable for people to do and say. This ever growing acceptance for people to be less empathic and compassionate, is making the gap between people with mental illness and the “normals” greater and greater.

Mental illness encompasses a wide range of disorders and conditions. It can triggered by events and circumstances in your life. Traumatic events can cause PTSD. Deeply sad circumstances and losses can cause depression.

When does being depressed or having anxiety become a mental disorder?

You have a disorder when your life becomes disordered. It is difficult to do the regular things.

Your feelings about doing the things that you enjoy have changed. You do not want to or cannot just get through the day like you feel you should be able to.

When your work, your relationships. your daily functions become impaired, then your condition has turned into a disfunction.

What Matters?

Pain is pain. Mental suffering is mental suffering. You can’t always “just shake it off.”  You matter and your mental state matters.

It is easy to fall into feeling guilty, because people think you should  be fine and you are not. You are not a big baby and you are not inferior to these other people.

You might just be deeper and more sensitive than other people tend to be. There is a small percentage of humanity that is empathic and more sensitive that others. 

If this is you, then you are going to feel things more deeply and emotional events are going to affect you much differently than other people.

Add on top of it, a high intelligence and ability to be abstract and creative, and you have a high potential for developing a mental illness. 

Why? It is the way of things. You internalize things in a deep way and you ruminate over things more deeply and more obsessively than other people, who are more shallow than you are.

They can shake things off, at times, easier than you can. They tell you that you “should” be able to be like them, but are you like them?

If you have had any mental abuse in your past, then your brain is already wired differently from other people, and you are not going to perceive and respond to situations in the same way that others do.

Your personality may be a blessing and  curse. You have found yourself in circumstances that other people do not end up in. You process life events, betrayal, death, disloyalty , and lack of fairness in the world in your own  personal way.

Your mind is unique. For someone to understand why you cannot “just get over it” …or “Move on already”..they would have to enter the world of your mind, and your perception, in addition to understanding what has happened in your past and how it affects you.

You are alone in a way. On the other hand, you are not alone and do not have to be.

Keeping your feelings buried underground, will eat you alive. Finding someone to talk to can be difficult. Keep your mind open to talking to someone because they might turn up in the most unlikely of places.

Use your blog to communicate about your real feelings. You can set up a second blog, if your is not anonymous. If you use a separate email address then it will not link to your other blog.

Find ways to get your real thoughts and feelings out. Do not criticize yourself for being mentally or emotionally stuck in any situation. You are stuck because there are still things you need to work through.

Blessings,

Be Yourself,

Feel what you feel so you can get through it,

Annie ❤

damn yankees, death, life, news, terminal illness

New cancer Breakthrough and a Story About my Uncle

tw-sign6 trigger warning

Please be advised that this post has to do with cancer and the death of a loved one. If this may be triggering  to you at all, please do not read it. This is not about something that just happened to me or anything like that. If it has any possibility of upsetting you, please skip this post.

New research at Stanford University is promising that they have found a new cancer fighting weapon. They are manufacturing laboratory-engineered antibodies that look work to hunt down and destroy cancers in the body.

The new research is based on the way that our bodies naturally tend to reject organ transplants by identifying the organ as a foreign body and attacking it.

You can read more here. I hope that the governments will be helpful in financing this project. It is hard to say about these things. But here is the link, if you are interested.

A new study has suggested an antibody injection could ‘wipe out cancer’ by rooting out and eradicating both primary tumours and distant metastases, where the cancer has spread to other parts of the body.   Daily Mail.com

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3062418/New-injection-wipe-cancer-Antibodies-root-obliterate-tumours-say-scientists.html

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-3062418/New-injection-wipe-cancer-Antibodies-root-obliterate-tumours-say-scientists.html#ixzz3ZKnWfSjX
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My uncle died of a brain tumor in his 40’s. It was the first death of a close person, that I experienced. In the midst of living in mentally abusive situations, divorces, and being drug from one house to another, my uncle was about the only stable family member that I had.

I was in my 20’s and in college at the time. I was devastated, when he died, even though we all knew it was coming. He originally found out he was sick, when he began having trouble with his vision

 I remember that he went to the eye doctor for blurred vision and the optometrist immediately told my aunt to take him right over to the neurologist. He must have suspected something wrong in his brain.

The neurologist did scans and told my aunt and uncle that my uncle had a malignant brain tumor. It was operable in a way, but the operation was going to cause damage to other parts of the brain,

They decided to do the operation and he ended up with walking and speech problems.  They gave him 6 months to live but he lived for a year and a half. I remember him speaking with me and it was so difficult for him to put his words together.

My grandmother told me that he must love me very much to make the effort to have a conversation with me. Apparently he had not been talking to anyone very much because it was too hard for him.  She was very surprised that he had kept struggling through to talk to me for about 15 minutes.

I remember struggling to keep the tears back as I watched him struggle for his words. The speech center of his brain had been damaged by the surgery.

I still miss him and often wonder what life would be like for me, if he were still around. He would have loved my kids and probably spoiled them. 

My aunt and uncle loved kids but they could not have any. They used to book the entire summer, when their nieces and nephews were off from school.  They had a different kid staying with them, for a couple weeks a piece, all summer. Their house always had a kid or 2 in it. My uncle liked it that way.

My visit was always special to my uncle. I remember him being excited for my visit. He would take my aunt and I to a play or a musical each summer. I saw the musical Damn Yankees with them. I still love that musical. The song “You’ve Gotta Have Heart” still reminds me of my uncle.

Below is the 1958 movie version of the musical Damn Yankees

He knew I loved that song. After the musical, I did nothing but sing that song all week. It was many years later, and my uncle was very sick with the cancer, but he remembered that I loved that song. He mailed me a cassette recording of the songs from Damn Yankees and copied  the lyrics to that particular song for me.

Sometimes when I am feeling discouraged, I still sing that song to myself. I know that it why my uncle sent it to me was his way of still being there for me, since he knew he would not be here.

I also loved the song “Whatever Lola Wants” from that musical. I always thought it was very sexy. I used to sing that one too. I imagine it was funny to my uncle to hear a 12 year old singing that song.

Below  is from the 1958 movie version. Whatever Lola Wants. In this scene Lola, who has been hired by the devil, is trying to lure the main character with her feminine wiles. But he is very devoted to his wife and she is not having any luck, even with her sexiest moves.

The one below is from a Bob Fosse interview about his choreography of the musical.

This cancer article made me think of my uncle. I still think of him from time to time, even though he died when I was about 23 and now I am 49.

I also still remember how exciting it was to see that musical. I had never seen a musical before and I have loved them ever since.

Here is one more great song from the musical.  This is called The Game. The players are discussing all of the things they have to give up during game season. It is a very funny song about how they have to give up women and drinking for the season.

death, death from dementia, death natural causes, dementia, dying, life, nuring home, old age

Rosalie Died from Dementia…Trigger Warning Death and Dying

tw-sign6 trigger warning

I kissed a dead body tonight.

No, it is not pleasant.

Yes, it is disturbing.

And yes, your feelings at this moment of either disgust and horror… or morbid curiosity… are perfectly normal.

I pulled down the sheet that was covering her face. People cover the faces of dead bodies, because looking at death is disturbing, sad and disconcerting to most everyone, even if they work in healthcare.

I looked at her face, to see if it had any resemblance to the face that had smiled at me so many times.

It did. It was her face… but now… the life had gone out of her.  My Rosalie. My dear Rosalie lying there motionless. No longer really there. It was just an empty shell that her spirited, affectionate soul used to reside in.

Her eyes were still open a little. No one had known they were supposed to close them. I was not there when she died, or I would have done it.

The nurse aides working in that unit must not have known about the eyes, although…the nurse who examined her to confirm the death, should have known. She just did not care enough about the dignity of the patient to take one minute to close the eyes.

The eyes must be closed, very gently, with your hand. You gently brush downward over them, with your open hand and they will usually close …for the last time. But if this is not done within the first fifteen minutes, then they get stuck open, which is very disturbing to the family.

I don’t know what it is.. about the open eyes of a dead body that is disturbing to people. Perhaps the fact that the eyes seem to be staring at some. Or perhaps the knowledge that those eyes are no longer attached to a functioning brain that can process what they see.

They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Therefor if there is no soul residing in the body, what are the eyes windows to? Something other wordly? Have the eyes now becomes windows to death itself?

Perhaps that is what people feel.  The eyes of a dead person that were once the “widows to the soul”  are now windows to death itself.  Most people do not want to look into those windows, for fear of what they might see.

No one wants to believe that death is a reality, except  for some. Some  who have contemplated taking their own lives. Some who have had close brushed with death. And some others…

Even those people who accept death as part of life,  would have trouble looking into the eyes of a dead person. Are we all afraid of what we might see?  What secrets do the dead eyes hold that we are afraid of?

Well, I did look into her eyes and saw……

Nothing much. Just no life…

No one had arranged her body position either. For those of you who do not know…hopefully most of you…the body must be arranged into position within a half hour or so, of the death. Usually the arms are placed across the chest, in a cross, with the hands near the shoulders, like a cross shape or an X.

You can also arrange the hands in a position that looks natural and comfortable. What you do not , and should not do, is just leave the body in a random position. It should be in a position that looks like they are sleeping peacefully. In a relaxed sleep position, a person has relaxed arms and hands.

Once rigamortis sets in, the body can no longer be moved into position, without damaging the limbs. It is best to take care of all of these things right away, but the nurse just did not bother to do it. There is a lack of dignity in that.

So, I kissed her and told her I loved her and said good bye. I was done with what I wanted to do and tried to leave the room. I can tolerate that much, but I do not like to watch the body zipped into the bag. I find it very disturbing.

Yes, I said disturbing. Me..the one who kissed the dead body today…has a line … a boundary…of what is too disturbing, even for me,

But yes, the moving of the body off the bed onto the stretcher and then the zipping of the bag…Yes…very disturbing.

But I went back. …I don’t know why, but I did.

I went back into the room and not only watched the body being removed from the bed…but I actually assisted him in lifting the body and moving it.  I wanted to ensure that she was treated with the highest level of dignity possible.

Thank goodness, he did not have the zipper bag, This particular company did not do that. I was lucky for that. He had a velvet cloth that he covered the body with. It fitted over the body and around the edges of the stretcher. I did not have to hear the zipping of the bag, which brings back bad memories to me, from an incident in my past.

There are more circumstances surrounding this whole thing, which were even more upsetting and in fact , somewhat infuriating to me. The nurses were very callous, lazy and insensitive to me about the situation surrounding her death and the guy coming in to claim her.

I will write that out in another post. I hope that people headed my trigger warning on this post and that no one read this that should not have. Feel free to leave comments or questions about death and dying, if you have anything I might be able to explain.