Feeling Lost – Stream of Consciousness Writing

lost

image from Pinterest – source here 

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If you are feeling lost in the world it does not mean there is something wrong with you. People around you may not get you. They may not be able to see the world the way you do.

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Some people have a different perspective on themselves and on the world around them. If you are more abstract minded than concrete or superficial minded then you are in the minority and there are less people who can see things the way you do. 

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Perhaps your thoughts wander to wanting to know what the meaning of life really is…why we are here…why there is suffering in the world. You want to know there is a greater purpose to living than just existing to work and pay the bills. You feel manipulated and controlled too much by the system and by others who tell you what is good for you…or what you “should” be doing. 

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If you are open minded and have a “searching” type of mind, then people may bore you or frustrate you. You are not always interested in their conversations, and they think that your thoughts are unnecessary or bothersome to them. 

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You might feel lost because your past was different from other people you know. If you grew up with any kind of abuse or chaos, then the way you feel is probably different than other people. Certain things bother you and it is hard to explain why.

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lost girl

image source here

Depression and anxiety disorders often happen to people who come from emotional abuse or neglect.

You may have tried to talk to people about this only to find that they do not understand.

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You have tried to pretend you are normal, but you never fit in. You always feel like you re struggling to find the “normal” things to say. But when you pretend to be normal, it does not make you feel good.

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The feeling that you are different is always nagging at the back of your brain. 

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lost man

image source here

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C-PTSD is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

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This is PTSD that accumulated in layers, over time, during situations where you felt entrapped. Growing up with the feeling that you have to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, can cause C-PTSD. 

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If you are living under a constant feeling of threat of abuse, or shaming, your brain has to fight back somehow. The amygdala, which controls the fight or flight mode begins to go into a state of hypervigilance. Your brain is on constant alert for things that are threatening to hurt you.

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If you have C-PTSD from your childhood then it is natural that you feel different from other people. Toxic shame from programming that others put into your brain, can be carried into adulthood. 

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You may see reality and your place in the world differently than other people. They cannot relate to how you feel, or the things you think about. If you feel this way, it can be hard to understand where you fit into the world…and you end up feeling lost…

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Just because you are different, does not mean that you do not belong in the world. If everyone where the same, the world would be boring. Special people are able to do special things that other people can not do. 

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If you are misunderstood by the people around you then it can be difficult to understand where you belong. There are many people that feel lost, but they are spread out and do not always see each other, even when they do run into each other. 

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image source here

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You are not alone and there is a place for you in the world.

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No one is here by mistake and no one is a mistake. There are people who will target you because you feel different, and they will use that against you. This may end up making you feel like self isolating. 

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People that feel lost, will often resort to self-isolating, especially when they feel depressed.

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Anxiety disorder often go along with C-PTSD. Living with anxiety over a long period of time can be draining. Anxiety and depression can occur together. One can lead to the other. 

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I understand that this is a rambling kind of post. I am tired and I am going to choose not to edit this. It may be rambling but I am going to leave it the way it came out. The main idea is that I wanted to reach out to the lost souls who feel that they do not belong anywhere. 

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I wanted to reach out to the lost people who are still trying to find their way home. The ones who still have hope that they will find home one day and find where they belong….and those that have lost hope. 

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There are other lost souls and every one is special in some way. There is something important about being different and not wanting to be something you are not. You want to feel authentic and to be yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that. You should be true to your authentic self. 

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If you have C-PTSD from childhood abuse, the  you were trained to keep your true self covered up and your thoughts to yourself. You had too many years of feeling that you were not accepted for who you are. Your authentic self is valid and should be heard and seen. 

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I am going to leave this stream of consciousness now and enter a new realm of consciousness…sleep.

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Good night… to all those who feel lost or out of place. You are worthy of love and acceptance. 

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The answers you seek are all around you…and within you…You just have to seek them and ask the right questions.

 


 

Being Authentic Means Listening to Your Feelings

elven princess

image from Pinterest 

If you are getting criticism about who you are, from the people you surround yourself with, it does not mean that you should change who you are….just the people you surround yourself with. 

If complying with the people you know is the only way to get them to stop demeaning you and shaming you, then find people that do not demand compliance with their ways just so they will be nice to you. 

People who insist that you change for them do not really like you, and changing for them will not make them like you either. Those kinds of people have an agenda, and your only value to them has to do with this agenda. 

There are people in the world that will value you for who you are. You should be surrounded with people who support you and realize the value to being authentic. When everyone follows someone else, the whole world becomes fake. 

It is better to be alone for a while to gather strength. You are never completely alone. You can find people to talk to in the blogging world and other places online.

If you cannot physically separate from people who are bringing you down, the  you can emotionally detach from them. Do not gratify them with the emotional responses they are trying to elicit from you.

You cannot gather strength from being around people who do not like you for who you are. There is always support from people online. There are others who believe in being authentic.

Once you are able to breath and find yourself amidst all the programming that others tried to brainwash you with, then you can raise your consciousness level.

fairy lights

You will then attract people who are at a similar vibrational frequency, rather than people who were attracted to you because they are predators. 

If you feel confused or uneasy after interacting with people every time you  are with them, this should be telling you something. They are only a match to your frequency because your self esteem is low, from being bullied and carrying toxic shame.

People who support you will not leave you with that uneasy feeling. Your intuition is your first line of defense against people who are not what they say they are. Just because someone says they want to help you, and that they are “doing it for your own good,” does not make it true. 

Sunshine is Good for Depression

Getting some sunshine can help with your mood. There are vitamins, such as vitamin D, that do not process properly in the body without sunlight on the skin.

Low vitamin D can cause depression or make it worse. With low levels of vitamin D you will feel fatigued and even dizzy.

You need some sun for at least 15 or 20 minutes on your face and arms. It is beautiful in New Jersey today. If it is sunny where you live, see if you can sit in the sun or go for a short walk today.

Remember to uncover your arms and allow the sun to contact your skin. You don’t need to stay out long enough to burn….just long enough to feel the sun on your skin.

While you are in the sun, just focus on the warmth and energy from the rays on your skin. Allow other thoughts to come and go, just oberving them as if you are watching a movie.

Be mindful of the sensations the sun is bringing you. Notice other things in the environment and how they are affecting your senses.

This mindfulness will help you to detach from any anxiety or depression for a little while , and help to re-wire some of your learned thought patterns.

 

For Anyone Who Dreads the Holidays

woman in rain

image from Pinterest – HERE

Another holiday is upon us. I know that many of us dread the holidays for one reason or another. Some of you will be alone and others have to tolerate relatives they would rather not ever see.

Divorced parents have to coordinate with their ex, or miss the holiday with their kids all together. Memories of traumatizing past holidays trigger emotional flashbacks while you try to maintain your holiday cheer for the sake of your children.

Adult children of abusive parents suffer a triggering of old emotional wounds. Memories of traumatic experiences creeping into your mind, or bombarding you with full frontal assault.

People with chronic illnesses, progressive diseases, and chronic pain feel the weight of knowing it was not always this difficult, and it should not be this difficult.

Many people that have chronic pain and illness will be isolated, or struggling to keep up with things only to have a less than pleasant day.

Depression is often amplified during a holiday. Whether you are self isolating or are isolated because people got tired of dealing with your mental illness, being alone can make feelings of hopelessness worse.

young girl sad face

image from Pinterest – HERE

Some people will end up in a room full of loud, busting people only to feel more alone in the middle of the crowd. Being at any kind of gathering can be terribly draining and depressing for people who already suffer from depression.

OCD, PTSD and anxiety disorders can all be triggered to be worse in the midst of dealing with the expectations of friends and family. Even the media and society seems to judge and mock those who just cannot feel the “spirit” of a holiday.

So to all of you I send compassion. Feel free to provide links to your holiday posts on my blog, if you want to share how you are dealing with the holiday. I will post something on Sunday for this purpose.

Peace of mind is the most important thing for you on the holiday. So prioritize your mental well being. Don’t be afraid to say NO to people, and use the “spoonie method” to get through.

Much love,

Annie💕

Invisible Illness and Managing Your Home

Depression ,  anxiety disorders and  PTSD interfere with daily life, including keeping up with normal tasks and chores. Some days it is hard to get out of bed, or even leave the house.

Chronic pain and chronic illnesses also make it difficult to do some tasks and impossible to do others. Some people have a good support system of people to help them, and other people do not have anyone to help them. 

How many of you can relate to this post I came across on Facebook? Please leave your feelings and thoughts in the comments section below. 

 

house keeping

image by KneeSocksFetishRox ...see link on facebook here 

Shame Holds us Back from Our Possibilities

This is a great talk by Brene Brown.

She describes the difference between shame and guilt very elegantly here. She has done extensive research about shame, and states that it is a cause of depression, anxiety and suicide in most cultures. 

She talks about shame as an epidemic in our culture and how the media and society program us for shame. The ads that tell us how we “should be,”
 and what we “should be doing.” …to the people in our lives that expect us to live up to unreasonable standards. 

Shame can come from abuse and emotional trauma in our childhoods, and in our adulthood experiences. Shame is programmed into us by others. You can re-wire the brain with thought patterns that are more supportive for you. Shame is a destroyer.

I believe that many mental disorders are based in shame. I work with abuse survivors that carry loads of shame from their past. Even when people come to the realization that they were abused, the shame does not just go away. In fact sometimes it becomes worse, during the healing process because old wounds are being opened up. 

Walking through the programs that are in your brain is important, to be able to find the truth about yourself. You are a special, unique person.

You do not have to carry toxic shame with you.

You cannot change the past, but you can change the meaning of the memories that you carry of it. 

The people that planted those seeds were just trying to meet their own agenda by keeping you down, and unsure of your value and place in the world. 

Brene Brown makes the point that creativity, inventiveness, and change come from a place of vulnerability. Doing things that are different, and uniquely you means you have to be somewhat vulnerable.

The greatest minds of the world came up with original ideas and creations and discoveries. They were not always met with acceptance. 

You do not have to follow the crowd. You have your own voice…you just have to find it and differentiate that authentic voice from the programs that were implanted into your brain. Shame is one of those programs that is no longer serving you. 

 

Depression, Loneliness and Invisible Illness

Depression and loneliness can exist together, but they are not exactly the same thing.

Loneliness is something experienced by all people at some point but it is not always accompanied by depression.

Usually loneliness is thought of as occurring when people are alone,  but this is not always true either.

Some people experience loneliness in combination homesickness , when they are away from familiar people and surroundings. They can feel this even when there are people around.

Other people feel like they do not fit in and this leads to lonliness with people around. Some people feel more lonely around groups of people than they do when they are by themselves.

There are other circumstances where people experience lonliness with other people around. Some of these circumstances tend to cause a co-existing condition of depression and lonliness.

People with invisible illnesses like chronic pain, chronic illness, and mental illness often feel both lonliness and depression. There is a feeling of disconnection from others when someone cannot find anyone that can relate to what they are going through.

Toxic loneliness is something that happens to people that cannot tolerate being alone or cannot tolerate bring without an intimate partner.

Ross Rosenberg coined the term “pathological loneliness” when he was doing research with his clients that suffered from co-dependence.

He discovered that one of the reasons so many people go back into abusive relationships is the pathological loneliness.

Both the terms toxic loneliness and pathological loneliness refer to this intolerable pain associated with being alone.

Usually the abusive partner lures the victim back in with false promises that things will be different. The victim who is suffering from such severe emotional / mental distress from being alone takes their chances and goes back.

In the mind of the victim, the pathological loneliness and the depression that goes along with it, is more painful than the abuse was.

People with codependent personalities usually developed pathological lonliness as children from neglect and abuse.

Depression can also develop out of childhood abuse. This can be any type of abuse, including emotional and psychological abuse. People that were abused as children often have complex post traumatic stress disorder as adults.

C-PTSD can involve depression, anxiety and sometimes pathological loneliness. There are often internal mental tapes that play inside their head that repeat negative things.

Being alone can make the internal dialogue louder. Thoughts of worthlessness, shame and failure play over and over. These tapes are implanted in the subconscious during childhood by others.

Many people with C-PTSD do not realize that they have actual trauma that is the same as PTSD which was caused at multiple ages and multiple circumstances.

Many people who have mental illness like depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder had chaotic, traumatic, abusive or emotionally devaluing childhoods.

People with depression have organic differences in their brains which can be seen with brain scans like an MRI. Certain parts of the brain that are supposed to light up to show activity, do not light up.

Depression can also co-exist with anxiety disorders. The sensations of imminent threat that occur with PTSD and CPTSD, can be felt alongside of depression and loneliness.

Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate one feeling from another. It can be helpful to people to be able to identify what sensations they are feeling.

Sometimes looking at the feelings and figuring out what is based on current circumstances and what is from early programming can help.

People with disorders of depression often feel lonely because they are unable to find people to understand their illness. Being disbelieved and invalidated can open up old wounds from childhood.

Some people are unaware that they had any abuse or emotional trauma because it happened at a very young age. The brain stores memories differently before the age of five.

Conditions like depression and toxic loneliness are no less painful than other illnesses. Unfortunately many people are not empathetic about invisible illnesses.

Your reality and your experience with suffering is your own, and it is valid. Healing can begin with validating yourself and being open to the root causes of your feelings. 

Awakening to Your Sleep Reality

spiritual sleep

image from Pinterestlink HERE

A great percentage of your life is spent sleeping. This feels like a waste of precious time to some people. To others it is a escape  from an otherwise unbearable existence. 

We try to find ways to avoid sleep, in order to get things done that we deem more important. Or we self medicate ourselves by sleeping, and think of it as an escape from being in reality. But sleep is a reality all its own, that it intertwined with our waking reality.

 The sleep states are a natural part of our existence. There are different stages of sleep that each serve important functions.

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sleeping woman.

image from Pinterest – link HERE

The subconscious awakens and exists in a different way during sleep, than it does when you are awake. The processes that the subconscious parts of the brain need to do, are an important part of your maintaining your emotional, mental, and spiritual balance.

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Sleep deprivation will cause deterioration in your mental state, your emotional state, memory, and cognitive functions. It effects your ability to have a clear continuity from one day to the next. Over time, sleep deprivation can cause a breakdown of your mental state, resulting in mental illness.

image from pinterest – HERE

Sleep can be affected by various things. If you are unable to sleep straight through for 8 or 9 hours, then it is critical to your mental health that you make up the missing sleep hours at another time of the day.

This is not laziness. You are not being unproductive when you are sleeping. Lack of proper sleep will cause decreased productivity and poor efficiency. You will have memory problems, especially related to spatial and time memory.

The sleep states are a part of our reality. Your subconscious brain exists just as much as your conscious brain does.

Your core beliefs, your memories, your perceptions of reality, and your emotions are all functions of your subconscious brain.

Your conscious awake state cannot exist separately from your subconscious reality.

Sleep is critical to make sure all these realities, and the different parts of your brain are working both together…and independently… in a way that best supports you.

awaken

image from Pinterest – link HERE

Spirituality… higher consciousness …and your perceptions about the nature of your reality…are all intertwined with what happens in the brain while you sleep.

Your mental and emotional health are dependent upon your getting proper sleep.  This is also true about  your immune system and your physical health.

Your spiritual health has to do with believing in, and perceiving something beyond the reality of the five senses.

Spirituality gives you a greater perspective about your existence.

Being able to perceive your higher consciousness… and spiritual realities… is also intertwined with your brain being able to experience the sleep states. Your spiritual health is dependent upon letting your conscious brain  rest, so the other senses can awaken.

You are not wasting time by sleeping. You are allowing an important part of your reality to exist. You are increasing your brain’s ability to function well during your waking hours.

We are more than drones or robots. We need more to our existence than just survival. …something more to living than just paying the bills.

Treat your body’s need to sleep with thoughtfulness.  The sleep states are the interconnecting path between realities and levels of consciousness.

What happens when you are awake affects your dreams, and what happens in your dreams affects your consciousness.   🌷

Sleep well tonight,

Annie 💕

 

 

Coping with PTSD and Anxiety Disorders

If you have PTSD or an anxiety disorder, some days you have to take breaks between your tasks. Different people are triggered by different things and becoming overloaded can result in a complete meltdown or panic attack.

Pushing through your day without a break to calm yourself will drain you. It can take a lot of energy to do errands and activities, when you are being exposed to triggers in your environment.

Being sleep deprived can add to your anxiety. It is important to find ways to get enough rest and sleep. If anxiety keeps you from sleeping well at night, your body and your brain may require naps during the day. Self care is important.

If you need breaks between doing things, try to think ahead to plan enough time to take them. Be gentle and adaptable with yourself.

You are your own best advocate. Draw boundaries when you need them. Think of how you would treat a friend in circumstances like the ones you are in at the time, if your friend also suffered from PTSD. 

Sometimes it gives some perspective to think of what allowances and flexibility you would offer someone else. Looking at yourself from an observer point of view can help you gain some perspective and design coping methods for yourself.

Sending love and healing energies,

Annie💕

 

Self Love is not Selfishness

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