If you have come from a history of any kind of mental abuse, then you are carrying some psychological damage with you, all the time. There is rarely anyone to talk to about it who really wants to listen to you. You are not alone in feeling this way.
Talking to a therapist can be helpful, but it is not the same as talking to your intimate partner, when you have one.
We can tell someone about our abusive past, when we first begin our relationship with them, or at whatever point in the relationship that we choose to talk to them about it. Unless they were also abused, they did not really understand the full level of what you told them.
If they were also abused, it was not exactly the same as yours, and they can understand only in their own frame of reference. The better you understand yourself, the better you can communicate about it them, but you may not really understand all about what your past abuse did to you.
You are seeking comfort and you are seeking answers and healing. This is a lot to put upon a person. I have done the same and expected some healing to come of it.
Every time I had a new partner, I became more and more aware that there is only one “first time” to connect with them about any given aspect of your past abuse. I got to where I almost grieved for the first time …prior to even having the “abuse in my past” conversation yet.
The other problem is that you can tell them the stories one time and mention them a few more times. But sooner or later, people do not want to keep hearing about your abuse. They heard it once and now they think they “get it”
Partners that were also abused may even compete with you for “the more abused person” award. This is never helpful, whether you feel you had worse abuse or not. It is not a contest, and there is more involved than merely, what happened to whom.
Surprisingly, there is often an element of this competition between intimate partners, who both have C-PTSD. It is just human nature to want someone to hear you. If you feel “trumped” by your partner, then you cannot really feel validated.
But your need to talk and connect about what you are feeling, is still there, even after you have talked to someone about it many times. There is still a hole that has not been filled. It cannot be filled by that one person.
The problem is that after you told them the first time, you did not really feel better. You were hoping that confiding about your past with someone who cared about you, would be really helpful to you. But after you told them about it, you reopened the pain,
Not only did you reopen the pain, but now you have used up your one time to tell them the whole entire story, or the part of the story that you told them, for the first time.
There is no other “first time” to tell the same person. There is something about the first time of telling someone that you want to get back. You want to do it again. It did feel good in a way, because you got the full effect of experiencing their reaction to what happened to you.
Now, in order to tell someone for the first time again, you would have to change to a new person.
You may break your abuse stories up into pieces. That way you can tell your partner a little at a time, This way you get that “first time” sympathy, shock or whatever emotional response they gave you.
If you are honest with yourself, as soon as you tell your story to your partner for the first time, and they really feel sympathy for you, you want to get that first time back again. It is almost like sex. Once the first time with a new partner is done, then it is done.
Over time you may be able to continue talking and bonding in some way, that is helpful to your healing. But often times trying to be healed by connecting with your partner about your abuse ends up in disappointment.
This is one reason that abused people sometimes change partners after a certain period of time. There is a need to talk about your abuse, with someone who is intimately close to you. That feeling that you had the “first time” does not come back, You want it again.
The answer of course, lies in the fact that no partner can heal us from our past abuse. It was not their fault, It may be difficult for them to listen to all the time and they cannot heal you.
Our healing must come from work that we do ourselves. Through self exploration. and self healing, we can learn that our memories do not have to control us.
Often times our memories are distorted by the age we were at the time and the confusion and lies that were being told to us, by the abusers. Shame and confusion we feel about our past, are partially due to the memories being distorted.
If we were to watch a home video of our past, we might be surprised that there were things that occurred, that we do not have the slightest recollection of. Other memories are seen like movies in our heads, but at the time of the abuse, all of our senses were involved.
Self love, self care and self healing, through all of the aspects of your being, is the only way to heal. talking with our partner about our abuse,can be helpful.
We can even talk to them about our self healing methods and how we are learning what kinds of things work.
There is no One Conversation that will heal you from Complex PTSD or from PTSD. The amount of time and level of psychological injury that occurred, could not possibly be healed by any one thing, or one person.
It is too much to ask another person to do . If we expect someone to be our sole confidant and to heal us, then it will lead to resentment on both sides.
As we walk along our path to healing, we will continue to find new ways to help ourselves. We can share our experiences here and also with our partner.
This is a more realistic approach to healing from CPTSD or PTSD. Those are the root causes for many mental illnesses.
Spirituality, research, self care and communication with others who have been through similar trauma, can help us to continue on our path to healing.
I am too tired to edit right now. Sorry about that..I will check it tomorrow but i really felt like I wanted to get these words out to you tonight , for some reason.