You are a unique person and your perspective about things is as valid as anyone else’s. Others will try to force their interpretion of things upon you, but you are a sovereign individual.
People have their own belief systems and their own agenda. Being sleep deprived, and tired from the daily struggle to survive can take its toll on your will power.
When your will power is depleted, it is easier for people to persuade you towards their interpretations. Even the media, and society can influence us to go against our true feelings about what we see and hear.
You can pretend to have a “hold button” like one you would find on an office telephone. Deciding what meaning to attach to things can wait until your will power is higher.
Low blood sugar and sleep deprivation are two main things that can keep you from thinking clearly. Feelings in the body are always telling you something. Intuition is felt in the body. Bad feelings about something are felt in a physical way.
Things like being tired , stressed and uncomfortable are likely to interfere with your ability to feel your true feelings about something. This is why sleep deprivation and withholding food are common tactics of brainwashers like cult leaders.
Don’t allow others to form your feelings and thoughts. Put things on hold, by pressing your hold button. Wait until a bet time, when you can be introspective, to create your personal meanings for things that occur.
All things are not as they seem, and they often are not what others present to you. Truth and meaning can become convoluted.
Believe in yourself, and your higher consciousness to guide you. Rest, eat, and think for yourself. The meanings and perspective of your personal reality are yours, and should support your mental , physical , emotional, and spiritual well being.
Emotophobia is the fear of unpleasant emotions, not to be confused with emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.
There is little online about emotophobia.
The few articles I found offered the suggestion to “stop treating negative emotions as if they are your enemies and can harm you.”
This is somewhat condescending and implies that emotions themselves cannot harm you.
The person offering this advice clearly has never been in a situation where showing negative emotions could harm them.
So, they think it is rather ridiculous that someone would associate their negative emotions with danger.
The problem with this thinking is that there are situations where someone’s emotions can cause them harm.
This advise shows a complete misunderstanding of emotophobia and its root causes.
People with emotophobia are not “treating” emotions as if they are the enemy.
For people that have emotophobia, emotions were the enemy and they were followed by consequences.
People that grew up in mentally abusive childhoods were not permitted to have emotions like other people are.
The expression of emotion, which represents being an individual, is often punished by abusive parents.
Even children who were not physically abused, could have had their right to individual ideas and feelings violated.
Narcissistic parents and other overbearing, maniplulative parents do not want their children to develop independent thoughts and ideas.
They do not want their children thinking in terms of their own needs at all. When their children expressed feelings, the parents retaliated.
Punishments from the silent treatment to aggressive verbal abuse of the child are used.
Physical consequences may also follow as a matter of course, when a child showed anything resembling disobedience, including not feeling what they were told to feel.
These mentally abusive parents, want the focus on themselves and their needs. They demand for the child to cater to their ever changing desires and demands.
In order to survive in this type of environment, the child must learn to constantly read the parent’s body language and tone of voice.
They must anticipate the desires and moods of the parent. If they fail to do so, it is met with negative consequences.
If the child expresses disagreement, or unhappiness with the parent, they will likely invoke the anger and wrath of the parent.
Even a facial expression of disagreement with the parent can bring out their anger.
For their own protection, these children and teenagers learn to disguise their feelings and push them down.
They do not want the parent to see their feelings because it will be used against them.
If you grew up in this type of environment, then feeling negative emotions was the enemy. It is not something we have suddenly developed an irrational fear of as adults.
This environment causes C-PTSD, which is Complex Post Traumatic Stess Disorder, in many people. This is carried over into adulthood.
So, the advice to “stop treating emotions as if they were the enemy” and to tell people that feeling emotions is safe, does not make sense to someone with C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse.
Adults can also develop emotophobia from ongoing abusive relationships with a partner. Women become afraid to disagree with their partner because they fear his anger.
Abusive people do not tolerate independence from their partner. When the partner asserts the fact that they are an individual person, it is met with extreme resistance or anger from the narcissist.
Again, the brain rewires the neural connections to avoid showing negative feelings. This is a necessary survival tactic at the time.
It is not easily undone. The brain considers it necessary in order to protect the safety of the person.
It takes years to develop this survival tactic and to detach from and avoid negative emotions. The brain becomes wired to discourage entering into situations that may cause negative emotions.
To undo what was a learned survival skill takes a lot of work in re-wiring the brain.
Telling someone “emotions are your friends” does not work, especially without any idea why the person feels such anxiety about emotions like anger and sadness.
The problem with emotophobia is that having it makes you easier for people to manipulate. People that want their way all the time, can use emotional manipulation to make you want to comply, rather than experiencing the pain of the emotophobia symptoms.
Realizing that you allow people to have their way, in order to avoid upsetting them is the first step to healing. Then you can understand that people get upset sometimes and unless you are in danger from them in some way, you can endure the feelings you will go through when they react to you.
You can begin to recognize when someone is trying to emotionally manipulate you. They will not take no for an answer. They use shame and guilt to get you to do things. Another sign is that their reactions to things will be far out of proportion to the “slight” they should be perceiving.
You have just as much of a right to your boundaries as anyone else does. People should not get their way just because they play on your fear of upsetting them.
image from Pinterest link HERE
Saying “no” to people comes very easily to some and is nearly impossible for others.
I have found that many people with C-PTSD have trouble saying no. If you were brought up in a mentally or otherwise abusive childhood, saying “NO,” may be associated with severe consequences to you.
If you lived with a parent that had narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder, then they probably used confusion tactics on you, to the point where there was “no” way to say no to them.
Gaslighting can confuse our ability to trust ourselves and our perceptions.
It may be difficult to tell what situations that “NO,” would be perfectly okay, and what situations where saying no, would really cause a problem.
If you grew up in an environment where your feelings and thoughts were not considered relevant, then you probably feel that your feeling of wanting to say no, just does not count. Even though the same person may say “No” to you all the time, you do not feel that you have the same right to say no, that they do.
If you were even in an abusive situation where disobeying meant punishment , then you probably have a fear of retaliation from others. There is an anxiety response triggered by saying no and refusing to comply with another person’s request.
THE ACT OF SAYING NO, CAN TRIGGER A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE PHYSIOLOGICAL RESPONSE. IN ORDER TO AVOID FEELING SEVERELY UNCOMFORTABLE, WE JUST SAY “YES” WHEN WE REALLY WANT TO SAY “NO.”
Triggers are very real and the tendency is to want to avoid feeling the bodily sensations associated with them. Ignoring triggers and going against our conditioned responses, is a very difficult thing to do.
IT IS PERFECTLY NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU TO SAY “NO” TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE ASKING YOU TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO OR SOMETHING WHICH CROSSES YOUR BOUNDARIES.
You are allowed to set personal boundaries for yourself. You can also set boundaries for certain people that you do not want crossed.
You can set boundaries in regards to your emotions, your time, your energy, your work and your social interactions. You can set boundaries in regards to dating, doing work for people and doing favors for people.
You can set boundaries about your personal space and your personal items.
Any situation where someone is trying to get you to do something by using your emotions against you, is a situation where your boundaries need to come into play.
Sometimes people do not accept your simple NO or your reasons for saying NO. They try to convince you be making you feel guilty or by shaming you.
They are trying to use your good and caring personality against you.
image from mylovestory.me and Pinterest
They want you to feel bad and they do this by intentionally pushing whatever buttons they know you have. If they know that you want to feel like you are cooperative they will call you uncooperative.
If they know that you have helped them many times in the past, they will lie and tell you that they do not remember the last time you did them any favors.
Don’t fall for these manipulative behaviors. If someone feels the need to make you feel guilty in order to do them a favor, then they really do not deserve the favor.
People should accept No, especially if you have perfectly good reasons for saying no, even if the reason is that you just do not feel comfortable doing it or do not want to do it.
Here is a list of ways to say NO…
No, thank you.
No, I really cannot do that.
No, I do not want to do that.
No, I am not interested in that.
No, I cannot find time in my schedule to do that.
No, I am just too overloaded right now, to do that.
No, I am not interested in doing that.
No, you go ahead without me.
No, please ask someone else.
No, I do not have to think about it. I would rather tell you NO right now.
I said no. Please respect my answer
If you have a history with this person that tells you that they will counter any reasons you give them for saying No, then you can try something like this..
“In the past my giving reasons for my No, seems to have just been an opening for someone to tell me the reasons are not good enough or to dispute my reasons in some way. So this time I am going to say simply No without going over my reasons with you. “
If they refuse to accept your “no”, then you still do not have to do what they want just to make them stop complaining.
Just because they are going to upset that you told them “no”, does not mean that you are responsible for their feelings. As long as you were not intentionally trying to hurt their feelings, then you did not cause for them to feel bad.
If someone is an adult then they are responsible for their own feelings. Much of the time, manipulative people are acting when they get dramatic with you. They can be very dramatic about how disappointed they are in you or about how selfish they think you are.
These are more reasons not to tell them “yes” every time they demand something from you. The more times they are able to manipulate you, the more they will resort to the same tactics over and over again.
**Please note that this article is not talking about partner relationships where the person will physically abuse you or will otherwise punish you for saying no. Those relationships are volatile and should be escaped as soon as possible but I never recommend to ignite retaliation in a severely abusive person.
It is designed more for situations where you are in no immediate danger or impending danger.
This article is also not a recommendation to tell your boss no to doing work, thus risking your job. If your boss is abusive it is a different topic and must be handled with a different strategy that is not discussed in this post.
- Other people do not get to decide what upsets you and what does not.
- Other people have no frame of reference about your life, to be able to decide if you are being “too sensitive” or “hyper sensitive” . No…they just don’t get to!
- Shaming someone is not love or support in any way, no matter how they attempt to twist things around to convince you. No shaming! Don’t accept it!
- People do not have the right to tell you how to perceive reality or to question you perception of reality. No they don’t! Just say NO !
- You are completely entitled to your feelings and to feel hurt when someone is….. mean, disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, sarcastic, deceitful, dishonest, disappointing, exploitative, condescending or minimizing to your reality. (image from Pinterest link HERE)
- Someone insisting you perceive things the way they tell you to all the time is gaslighting you.
- You have the right to a conversation with a loved one about abusive or hurtful behavior. You are not being abusive to them when you point out behavior that hurts you and express your feelings about that behavior!!!
- Conversations about your feelings that always turn around somehow to be about their feelings, is a red flag of narcissistic abuse.
- No demeaning behavior, embarrassing you, disrespectful behavior or condescending attitudes have to be tolerated. It does not prove that you love them…it is just evidence that you have been desensitized to that kind of treatment.
- Excuses for their behavior that make you the cause of it, are UNACCEPTABE !
*PLEASE NOTE **If you are in an abusive relationship with someone that you fear may become violent, then please do not provoke them ! …. Get help, and carefully plan your escape from them. …..Do not risk violence to yourself or your children….. Pathological people can suddenly become much more violent when confronted by a partner.
This is a video that shows how someone can use manipulative tactics to control a conversation, influence someone else’s ideas, and make someone appear to be non-credible to other people.
The techniques exposed in this video are
Disrespecting the person’s research and facts by repeating “That’s YOUR opinion”
Asking yes or no questions when someone is trying to explain something. Designing the yes or no question in a way that will make them say something they do not mean.
Interrupting in key places to redirect you
Using body language to minimize you
Blame shifting – like making you look rude, when they are actually the one being rude
Refusing to allow you to answer a question they just asked you
Rushing you, while interrupting you from respoding
Discrediting and disrupting
Changing what you say and mean, by repeating it back incorrectly
Refusing to hear evidence, and calling something opinion that you have facts to back up
Gestures to take away your self esteem
Gestures and other body language to bypass your critical factor
It is important to understand ways in which people try to manipulate your words and your message. There are people that you will deal with in your life that will use these tactics to try to redirect you, and to alter the meaning of what you are saying, as if you mean something else.
Jonathan Adampants gives a full in-depth analysis of the mind manipulation and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques utilized by Fox News anchors Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes during an interview with Kevin Barrett about 9/11.
NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming has many good uses. It can be used by good intentioned people to help others. It can be used to overcome phobias and other kinds of healing.
But as with so many things, it can be used for good by good people, or it can be used with malicious intent to control people without their consent.
While our brain is designed to protect us, sometimes the different parts of your brain fail to coordinate properly. The triunal brain theory teaches us that we are driven by the parts of the brain we are not conscious of.
It isn’t that we cannot discover what beliefs the subconscious brain is holding. It is more that we do not recognize the importance of doing so. There are methods of trance, hypnosis and NLP that can guide you to connect with what is driving your choices and behaviors.
Staying in a toxic relationship is something that many people do. Outsiders to the relationship may either judge you for stsying in it, or they may judge you for considering leaving it. In fact there may be both kinds of social pressure coming at you from different directions.
The subconscious brain holds core beliefs that have been imbedded and programmed since childhood. One belief that may have been programmed into you is that “good family members” tolerate any and every behavior from other family members.
You may be holding the belief that while breaking off relationships with people outside the family is okay, you should never break off relationships with family members.
Toxic family members are often catered to by the family. When other family members become exhausted and drainef of all their energy, they expect you to take over the “catering” role.
Saying No to the toxic family member will be punished and retaliated against. They will shame and guilt you, using yout “brain programming” against you.
It is often the person that put the programs there in the first place, that is emotionally manipulating you. They know which buttons to press because they put them there in the first place. Or they witnesssed how you were trained to feel.
In toxic families, you are not only trainef to behave in a certain way, but you are conditioned to FEEL certain ways in certain situations. A toxic family member will train you to respond to their emotional manipulation, in order to avoid real or perceived consequences.
Getting in touch with our feelings and beliefs that are behind the scenes, can help you to take your power back. Someone can only emotionally manipulate you if they are able to elicit those negative feelings in you.
When you are in a situation where the toxic person is making you feel bad…STOP and evaluate what you are feeling. Decide to detach emotionally from the situation and assess it like an observer.
Observe and notice what thoughts are coming up at the back of your brain. What thoughts, fears and drives are at work in your brain?
Sometimes the very things we do in order to avoid pain, will end up keeping us in a relationship that gives us continuous pain.
The subconscious brain will kick on the fight or flight mode, when we are in a confrontation or conversation with the toxic family member. This function of fight or flight, wants to cause you to take an immediate action to get rid of the threat and avoid harm. But your reptilian brain and your limbic system are only operating out of what associations that have been programmed in, and the beliefs that they hold.
If you were raised in a family with a toxic person ( or people) then there are “false beliefs” that are carried by your subconscious. The feelings you have that drive you to comply with the toxic person, are based on a false belief system.
It is in the best interest of the malignant, pathological person for you to hold onto beliefs like the following.
1. The toxic person does not harm me intentionally
2. They cannot help their behavior
3. They think their behavior is the best for the family
4. I am not worthy of standing up for myself
5. Standing up to the emotionally abusive person is rude
6. I have to do what the manipulative person wants, if I cannot reasonably get them to see my side
7. The toxic person hears me when I explain my side
8. Going against what the family wants would make me a bad person
9 Deep down the toxic person actually appreciates all I do for them
10. The manipulative family member would break down and not be able to go on, if I stopped catering to them
11. The family would fall apart without my holding it together
12. My independence and happiness is not a priority over the family
13. If I really needed something they would be there for me
14. My needs, desires and dreams are not as important as the other family members, or as the toxic person
15. My perceptions are not valid when they are different than those of the family, or the manipulative person
16. Prioritizing my mental, emotional and physical health over the demands of the family is wrong.
17. I could not survive without the family
18. I owe my family, and the toxic person, to stay and cater to them for my entire life
19. If I leave they will no longer love me. ( This is based on the false assumption that they love you now)
20. The toxic person loves me. They just don’t know how to show it
21. Taking abuse from someone proves your love for them.
These are all incorrect, untrue, false beliefs that are carried my adult children of toxic families. Sometimes your family is just who you were born to.
You have no obligation to people just because you share a blood line with them. All the time and energy they demand from you could be spent with people who actually deserve it.
There are people waiting to meet you, who would support and care for you. There is a higher path and sporitual connectedness for your life.
You have to emotionally detach from the narcissists,psychopaths, and emotionally manipulative, abusive people in your life.
Chances are the family will not fall to ruins without you, although they may try to manipulate you into thinking that. They can either respect you as an individual with rights and boundaries, or they can live without you.
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Beware of people who say or imply things like this…
They know you better than you know yourself
They know what is best for you better than you do
You cannot make choices for yourself because you do not make the choices they want
They are doing something that hurts you for your own good
They have to control you for your own good
You don’t know what is best for you
You can’t do things (are not good enough to do them) that you think or know you can do
You won’t be successful at something 9because you are not good enough) you think or know you can be successful at
You are selfish for prioritizing things that you need to prioritize
You are selfish when you do something that is exactly what they do
You have to give up doing things you love because it is interfering with spending your time doing everything for them, or everything they want you to do
You are abusive for telling them they are being abusive to you
You are cruel for trying to set boundaries with them
You are not allowed to do certain things, but they are allowed to do them
You are not allowed to ask questions about where they have been, but they demand to know where you are at all times
They can choose their own friends but you cannot choose yours
You have to like their friends but they can tell you to stop seeing your friends
You have to like their family, but they can tell you not to see yours
You have to pick up the phone the second they call, but they can get back to whenever they feel like it…even if they promised to call or text you at a certain time
They can control how much time you spend together and you have no say in it, but you better say yes when they want to spend time with you
They conveniently do not recall conversations you had with them and things they said, when it suits them
They claim you you are too sensitive, when they do things to hurt you… but they are justified in telling you exactly how they expect you to treat them
You will never find anyone that would tolerate you the way they do
No one other than them would ever love you
Most people think that psychopaths are only in the movies or that they are in prison for serial killing sprees. This is not true. Psychopaths are around you and you have interacted with them.
No, this does not mean you are in danger or that they will be physically violent if they do target you for “special attention” as a particular favorite victim. It does not mean they will target you at all.
What is does mean is that 3 out of 100 people you ineract with is a psychopath. They can appear charming, they may take great care to look attractive and they often hold positions of respect within the community.
Psychopaths are teaching, giving therapy sessions, leading churches, contributing to charities and giving you medical treatment. They make up 3 to 4 percent of the population and you have exchanged words with one of them.
Being in the presense, even daily, with a psychopath does not meam they will ever harm you. They may just be using you to help maintain or promote their image, which is their “false self.”
Psychopaths will only specifically target certain people, usually ones that are predisposed to abuse. Other people are used as tools, proxies and pawn pieces in their games.
Narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths are one and the same but they are on a spectrum. You can look up Nine Traits of Narcissism on google or YouTube.
The term sociopath is not any different than a psychpath. There was once a desire to make a strong distnction between narcissists and psychopaths and to create a label of in-between the two ends of the spectrum.
Make no mistake, someone with 9 traits narcissism is potentially dangerous and someone with 7 or 8 traits ( a sociopath) is also very dangerous. They may not choose to be physically violent but they are a danger the mental health, and ability to thrive of their victims.
If you are working with one then you may find yourself harrassed, bullied and feel your job is in jeapordy due to them. It probably is.
If your landlord is one then you may feel the same level of harrassment, threats, and manipulation from them as the one at work.
If they are in your life and you are not providing them with narcissistic supply, making them look good, feeding their ego and listening in awe of their stories of grandeur, then you might be tormented by them. They may torment and bully you to get things to go the way they want or just for sadistic pleasure…it depends where they fall on the narcissim/ psychopath spectrum.
None of the people who have malignant narcissistic personality disorder have any feelings of compassion, emapthy, love or remore. Although they can emulate the words and gestures of people that do have these feelings.
Narcissists will woo you in order to lure you into trusting them. They can appear normal, even charming, for short periods of time. It takes extended interaction with them in order to see their mask slip.
If something seems inconsistent or “off” about someone and you find yourself recounting conversations to try to make sense of what seemed to be perfectly rational but later did not fit, then be wary.
Narcissists use “word salad”, re-framing, pre-supposition and other neuro linguistic programming (NLP) techniques to manipulate and confuse you. You can look these techniques up on google to learn more about them.
Some people spend years learning NLP techniques in order to use them for good purposes like helping clients lose weight or overcome a phobia.
Narcissists naturally use these techniques …but with insidious intentions. If you feel like you are being dominated in every conversation, even when you are in the right, just be wary.
If you feel like someone is always dominant in conversations about topics you are more trained and skilled in, that is anothercred flag.
If someone knows better about every single topic you have ever discussed with them, that is a red flag. Who knows better than you about everthing? Probably only someone with such a huge ego that they pretend to know things they don’t, just to put you under their foot.
Someone who is a “pathological lier” is probably a narcissist. They can lie right to your face with eye contact, and sound very sincere or even offended and indignant.
If you feel your will power being sucked out of you and your identity and self worth leaving the room, every time they are in it, that is not normal.
Normal people do not have that effect on others. They do not feel the need to push others down in order to appear bigger and better.
You have interacted with these people without knowing it and you never knew why you felt bad everytime you were around them…or you wondered what it was about you that made “dominating manipulative people” seem to intimidate you.
Intimidation is a game to them and it is also a way of survival for them. They do not want you close enough to see through their games so they will keep you at a distance.
As long as you are struggling to deal with their games, you are too focused on what is happening to you to really look at them and see who they are. They are deceiptful, bullying, “all knowing” people who always have a hidden agenda.
Their behaviors are often confusing because you are unaware of their agenda, which always has to do with them.
Even when they seem to be doing benevolent acts of service their is a hidden agenda behind it.
You might want to consider doing some research on narcissism and psychopathy, just to protect yourself. In this case knowledge is empowerment. These people want to disempower you by starting with your self confidence and distorting your perception of reality.
Some study of neuro linguistic programming will also help you to protect yourself from tactics being used against you that you have never heard of. There are some great videos on NLP hypnosis by David Snyder on YouTube.
You can research NLP techniques of “re-framing”, “presupposition”, “word salad” and others.
You can look up “gaslighting” and you will find written information and videos. I am going to post some videos about gaslighting in the next few weeks and I will put the links for you here.
There is no reason to have parts of your life miserable because of not knowing the tactics of narcissists or how to identify them. You can also look up “red flags” of a narcissist or “red flags” of an abuser and you will get some information.
Trust you gut and do not trust people that make you question your own perception. If something seems off…it probably is.
This is a really great lecture by David Snyder about how to tell if someone is lying. There is all kinds of information in this video that you will learn and most likely see for the first time.
David Snyder is an excellent teacher. He has a background in NLP, psychology, hypnosis, energy healing, martial arts, acupuncture and other related subjects. He is fun to watch and listen to.
He mentions the tv series Lie to Me, which I ended up watching because of him. This tv series is really excellent and I recommend you checking it out.
I learned things from this video and others by David Snyder that I never knew including the “triune brain theory” This is about the three brains that we have and how they interact with each other. I will have an upcoming post about the three brain theory that I am currently working on.
Check out this lesson by David Snyder. I think you will really enjoy it and you will be able to see some things in a new way.