healing poetry, mental illness, poetry, spoken word

Red Moon 🌘

🌖

Mystical mother moon

Flood me with your beautiful dreams

Of timeless memories from past and future

Intertwined and masterfully mixed

Into this one moment of silence bewitched

Gracing me with your empowerment

For I am more that my earthly story

And I am expansive beyond this narrative

That tries to hold me to its limitations

I am one with you and all of your dreams

Your wondrous ever changing color schemes

The surging passion that your magic brings

Envelope me in your hypnotic streams

Of arising consciousness

And new found dreams

🌙

 

 

chronic fatigue, chronic illness, chronic pain, Chronic pain and depression, Chronic pain and mental illness, emotional abuse, emotional healing, empowerment, encouragement, enlightenment, mental illness

Chronic Pain, Fatigue and Mindfulness

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Itching

Fatigue

Rashes

Skin pealing

Arthritis

Back pain

Insomnia

Hang nails

Infections

Pink eye

Vomiting

Hair loss

Things our higher spiritual self does not have to deal with.

No wonder we become distracted, redirected and forgetful about being in touch with our higher consciousness level selves.

We can’t even call them on the cell phone, never mind ask them to relate to what we go through.

Getting into a higher level state requires detaching from our  physical selves. It is like ignoring the squeakiest wheel. ….and as we know, the squeaky wheel gets the attention.

We can have wonderful intentions of growing towards a higher consciousness level and then we develop some new pain or disorder…whether mental or physical.

We are subjected to all manner of mind control and persuasion techniques by society and the manipulators within it. And our bodies take more and more of a beating as we age.

Beating yourself up over not being able to get yourself out of your physical self and into a spiritual state, is another beating you should not have to endure.

It is effectually a beating of the consciousness by the consciousness…

A beating of the sub conscious by the sub conscious….

A beating of the mind by itself.

It is a paradox that you must accept the pains without the ego being involved because becoming one with higher consciousness means letting go of and identity with the self….yet repressing feelings about suffering only makes the suffering grow.

So we have to accept the inner child in order to heal…accept suffering as part of existing in the physical realm….sit with our pain to comfort it to ease it….walk through painful experiences to get to the light on the other side….and detach from the ego and identifying with our identity in order to achieve a higher consciousness…..

Yet in detaching from our ego we are acknowledging our identity with it…..so we first have to recognize the ego as a construct that is heavily influenced by brainwashing, false beliefs programmed into us, and manipulative people with their own agendas to serve..

We then can understand that many of our automatic  thoughts and attachments come out of this programming. …making the majority of the tapes running in our subconscious mind basically bad viruses…..and our conscious negative thoughts results of the viruses…..

Then we can begin to understand that We Are Not Our Thoughts….

Once we begin to accept that we are not our thoughts, we can open the subconcious mind to new formatting….better programming….we can alter and add new beliefs…and delete contaminated beliefs…..

A new understanding begins to arise at the back of our brains where those core beliefs are housed….that if our thoughts are not us, then we can observe our thoughts and evaluate their validity….

Holding onto beliefs that no longer serve us is not neccessary. We will not simply stop being ourselves by changing our core beliefs. It is the attachment to those addictive beliefs and thought patterns that keeps us controlled by others….and by our physical existance…..

We are not, in fact, the sum of our thoughts. We can rearrange the furniture in our brains that we call our thoughts. Rearranging the furniture, throwing out old pieces, adding new pieces that better serve our house….

The house remains, even when the things inside are altered.

So who is doing the altering and rearranging? It is not our physical selves….It is not our thoughts that are observing themselves….

Once we begin to realize this, then we catch a glimpse of what is doing the observing….It is not within the brain or the physical body….

It is that higher self…the higher consciousness….that can be awakened to observe and repair the subconscious …where suffering is at its roots….

Thoughts about suffering seem to create more suffering…and fear that the suffering will get worse….or continue to last is the root of the most painful mental and physical suffering.

Yet somehow you are beginning to suspect the most curious thing of all….that by entering this kind of trance….the one you have allowed your mind to enter while reading this….you were able to detach from your physical suffering for a few minutes…..

And so we took the journey together….just you and I….in a higher realm of consciousness….

Namaste..

#narcissistic abuse, adult children of abuse, adult children of narcissistic parents, c-ptsd, mental illness

Overcoming Feelings of Inadequacy and Self Doubt

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Any negative thoughts about yourself that have to do with not being good enough, or not being worthy, are programs that were conditioned into you.

These programs are like viruses that start as a small toxin and quickly replicate, until they become pervasive. The on-going background voice that says “who do you think you are” is not coming from your authentic true thoughts.

Being told you were not good enough, or made to feel inadequate, by parents or care givers as a child, you were instructed to feel that there was something innately wrong with you. This is an illusion created by others who should have been building your self esteem.

Not all parents do this on purpose. But the repetitive tapes that play at the back of your mind are just as destructive, whether they were intentionally installed or not.

It is not a matter of being judgemental about the parenting styles of your parents. It is about recognizing the false beliefs you are carrying in your subconscious.

As long as you feel these beliefs are true, your brain will search for and interpret situations that prove these things to be correct.

Looking at these negative beliefs about yourself as conditioning, can begin the process of disproving the false beliefs.

Emotional abuse can lead you to see things in black and white about yourself. You are either right or wrong, successful or a failure, good at something or bad at it.

Life is more than a black and white picture. Reality is malleable and a rigid view of reality can be like a prison.

It can help to remember who the sources were ( or who the current sources are) that These black and white views of yourself come from. Are these sources capable of really knowing you, your full creative potential…your value to other humans?

Once you can see that the people who programmed inadequacy into your brain had some personal agenda of their own…then you can begin to realize that your brain has accepted opinions and manipulation as reality and truth. It has become embedded in your subconscious As truth.

But you do not have to accept things as true just because someone told you it was true. Other people’s opinions about your true value and worth have power when you believe they are based in reality.

Questioning the false beliefs about yourself and about your reality, that were taught to you, can be the beginning of re-wiring harmful conditioning that goes back to your childhood.

Blessings,

Annie

 

#narcissism, #narcissistic abuse, mental illness

Who Are They to Tell You?

Who are They to say that we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
confront them
disagree with them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveler
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual adviser
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves

#narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, mental illness

Who Are You Really?

This concept of “supposed to” …is a brainwashing by society. It keeps people functioning on autopilot like drones.

“Supposed to”…keeps people in abusive marriages.

“Supposed to”….makes children hide bruises their parents put on them, and lie about how their patents actually talk to them…(scream at them)

“Good wives” …are “supposed to” …stand by their husbands…”no matter what”.

There’s another 2 dangerous brainwashing phrases.

“Good…are sipposed to…

” Good wives do this…”

“Good daughters protect their mother’s image and reputation…”no matter what”…..(even if she is abusive behind closed doors)

“Good citizens work 9 to 5 and don’t complain about their job, even if they are miserable”

“Good people”…accept the roles they are expected to do. …accept the identity forced on them by their family…

“Good men”…do what is “expected of them by others”

You can be a good person, and still be living life the way you want to. As long as you are not hurting other people….( the relatives that say you hurt them by living your own life don’t count as “hurting people”)

Other people do not live inside of your body, and they do not have to experience the consequences of your choices. They live their own lives, and they make their own choices.

If you experienced in-going emotional abuse, or emotional neglect as a child….

If you lived with a narcissistic parent…

If your parent was an alcoholic or addicted to substances…

If your world growing up, had no room for being able to express and deal with your own needs and feelings.  ..

Then you probably have C-PTSD, from abuse that was on-going, and you were entrapped in the situation.

What’s worse…is if the abusive parent…or the enabler parent…told you they loved you…and that their behavior of shutting you down, when you tried to express your needs, was a loving act.

Abuse that is disguised as love or concern for the victim, is more harmful. It is gaslighting, and it confuses the reality of the victim. It causes PTSD .

So, many survivors of childhood abuse, have C-PTSD as adults. There are “emotional flashbacks” that suddenly cause you to feel fear, sadness or anger.

You were conditioned to focus your attention on the narcissistic parent. Your needs and feelings were of no consequence.

The result of years of this kind of mind manipulation, can often be the emergence of “People Pleaser Syndrome.”

This explains why you might believe those conditioned phrases like “Good girls don’t disagree with their family”….or “real men stay in the relationship…or the job they are in …..even if tbey are miserable.

Why?

Because…. “your feelings don’t matter.”

If you were conditioned to ignore your own inner guide, that leads you in the direction that is best for you…then you may not even know how to feel, or hear, or interact with that guide.

Your inner voice wants to guide you in directions toward being supported, following your passion….and away from the pain.

You have been conditioned to fear tbe anger and dissapointment of others as a real threat. But the conditioning you experienced can be re-wired.

“People Pleaser Syndrome” does not really protect you.

It is an illusion.

People who expect you to sacrifice your own dreams for their agenda, are not really your friends….and they are crossing your personal boundaries.

Why?

Because no one taught you anout how to set healthy boundaries, or told you that it is perfectly okay to say “no” to someone…as long as you are not hurting them.

Their claim that your making your own choices, and becoming independent of them, is invalid. Narcissistic parents love to make their adult children feel shame and guilt for “going against them.”

In healthier families, the adult children are treated with respect and dignity…..not made to “be a good son”…..and do what is expected of you by the family.

These patterns can become embedded in the subconscious mind. Then it becomes easy for any narcissist you come acrods, during your life, to manipulate you with shame, guilt, or by attacking your integrity or self esteem.

I am not encouraging you to be bad person. But simply this..

You have the right to decide what “good” means to you…

You have the right to choose who to help…and who to say..”no” ..to.

You can begin to hear and feel that inner guide that wants you to listen to it.

Your true feelings can guide you and allow you to follow your core values. It is the path that matters, more than the individual goals.

So….

Be a “good woman.

Be a “good man.”

Be a “good multi-faceted, spiritual being, that is living a life here on the earth”

Be authentic.

Practice saying no.

Pay attention to your feelings, and honor them, by choosing paths that align with those feelings.

Be yourself! 💕💕💕💕💕💜💜💕💕💕💕💕💕🐇🐇💕💜💕💜💝💜💝💕🐇🐢🐼🐣👻💕💜💕

 

abusive relationships, anxiety, anxiety disorder, mental illness

Awakening Your Reality to Combat Depression and Anxiety

awakening sun

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Awakening to The more we get emotionally caught up in “playing the game of life” the farther we get from truth and reality.

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The game is hypnotic and seduces you. This seduction is not always of a pleasant nature, nor to we recognize it. We become caught up in the idea that who we are is reflected by how well we are doing…and how well we have done…in the game.

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We become brainwashed into thinking that our achievements…or lack thereof…are a mirror of who we are.

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People are judged by how well they play the game, and some will crush others down or take credit for their accomplishments, just to serve their own place in the game.

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“Nice guys finish last” becomes true if you become caught up in the hypnotic nature of the delusion. …the delusion that was created by narcissistic, manipulators who live to prey on others like animals.

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“It’s a jungle out there” ….only because human predators blend in and stalk their prey unnoticed. Many of them beat and mentally torture their wives, behind closed doors.

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If you have has abusive relationships then you were probably conditioned to accept your very low place in “the game.”

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You have been financially disabled, and your drive and instinct to play the game has been stolen. You have been left with inadequate cards to continue to play with any hope.

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A small percent of the players, who thrive at the very top of the food chain hold 90 percent of all the game finances and power. The pyramid opens up at the bottom, with players who have had every last bit of self esteem…and will to live…crushed out of them.

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Shame and guilt are used as tactics to manipulate those that have been conditioned to readily accept those emotions, ans what they entail. Shaming tactics of manipulation are used by those who have no sense of shame, guilt, remorse or empathy.

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“Divide and conquer” …becomes a commonly used tactic by the manipulators, as they pull the strings of those puppets they control….and use those puppets to harass, threaten, and otherwise torture their victims.

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People unaware of the continuous brainwashing, and conditioning by the game, become drained and fatigued. People with great compassion can become disillusioned and begin to feel hopeless.

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Depression and anxiety disorders arise. Suicides increase. Chronic pain, chronic fatigue syndrome, and illness are some of the results of psychological abuse and massive conditioning of society to be blindly compliant to accepting your role.

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New generations are conditioned, just like the last ones, that “the game” is the one and only reality….and that everyone is subject to its rules…..little knowing…..that the rules are being controlled by the players at the top, who manipulate reality in any manner they choose to.

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Lesser predators lurk about to prey on vulnerable targets. Having the quality of compassion….without knowledge of the matrix….makes people perfect targets for those with no empathy…and no conscience.

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The game is only as real as the collective consciousness believes it is. Individuals can begin to break free of the conditioning and the brainwashing….but still must find ways to survive….without being destroyed by the machinations of the manipulators.

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Where your attention is focused, makes a difference in the reality that will be perceived by you….thus manifested by you. But the subconscious attention, intention, and beliefs are more powerful at times…than what you think you are consciously focusing your attention on.

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energy light hands

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You can put cracks in the reality of the game, by re-wiring the neural pathways in your brain, that have become addicted to negative, and self-sabatoging thought patterns. It is an illusion that has wired itself into your hard drive….without your conscious consent.

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The “way of the world” is controlled by the minority of players that are wearing masks…and blindly believed by the rest of us…that “that is how it has to be”….because the cycles always repeat.

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Awakening to the matrix is a process. It often begins at the point of “rock bottom”….when the pain of still believing in this illusion of reality….becomes too painful to continue to exist in.

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Seek the truth in stillness….with all presuppositions turned off….and assumptions about “who you are” …as it is reflected by what you have done….what you have been told about yourself and who you are….and what you have been conditioned to suffer with….put into their proper perspective….which is that those things were conditioned into you by other players with their own agenda.

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Authenticity awaits you. Your intuition speaks to you causing feelings in your body. You have been brainwashed into ignoring those feelings.

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Allow your feelings to guide you, rather than the subconscious impulses that arise from the conditioning.

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“Who” you are….is who you want to be.

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It is simple and elegant.

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You can make the choices that honor your authentic self.

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You are not your past.

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You are not your conditioned thought patterns.

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You are not who people say you are.

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You are not the identity, or the role that you have been pushed into playing in the game.

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You are more.

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You are who you want to be.

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You are who you imagine you could be in another reality.

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You are who you would wish to be if you were in a story book.

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Reach out with your imagination….beyond this  illusion of reality you have accepted as true.

anxiety, anxiety attack, anxiety disorder, c-ptsd, mental illness

Stillness Meditation Calming Technique

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This is a calming exercise I created, borrowing ideas from Buddhism and stillness practice.

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1. Sit or lay comfortably.

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2. Relax your shoulders and neck by letting the muscles release themselves.

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3. Allow your shoulders to drop naturally and your neck to let you head rest comfortable,without forcing it into any particular position.

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4. Relax your face muscles and let your cheeks and lips completely relax and drop.

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5. Breath in relaxed, drawing the breath in  fully. Then breath out while closing the back of your throat just enough to control the breath as you expell it.

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6. Say this sentence in your mind…

“There is stillness between each word”

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7. Repeat the sentence in your mind…putting space between each word. Breath relaxed as you say them, and continue to relax your face and mouth.

“There…is…stillness…between…each…word.”

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8. Repeat the sentence several times slower each time. Allow the space between each word to get longer and more expansive each time you repeat the sentence.

“There……..is……..stillness……..between……each……..word.”

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9. Relax into the spaces between the words and feel that silent space expanding within you and beyond you.

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10. Allow any thoughts to go away during these silent spaces. Just fall into the quiet between the spaces between the words.

You can anticipate the next wotd…picture it….during the spaces….but allow the “running mental tapes” to be silent.

Sometimes images will arise but let them drift into the distance.

Fall into the arms of the ceasing of the constant words that usually run through your mind.

Just “be” and rest your mind. The mind needs a rest from the constant chatter.

💜

compassion, mental illness

Mindfulness and Random Kindness 💜

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Small kindnesses offered to people in random situations, when the opportunities present themselves. Not only is it good for your spirit to offer kind actions to people, but it helps to give you a different perspective in observing your reality.

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Some people walk through their day with narrow vision, simply focusing on their immediate agenda for themselves. Allowing your perception to take in more about what is happening in your environment creates a higher level of consciousness.

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It can also reduce stress to be able to observe your situation and to see the entire room you are in, as if you were watching it as a spectator. It takes your attachment to the particular situation you are in, and reduces the emotional energies being wasted on anxiety or other draining emotions.

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If you are waiting in a line at the store, and you are thinking hard about your schedule for the day, you will miss a lot of what is happening in the entire room. You will miss the body language and facial expressions  of the people around you.

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It is easy to end up feeling like everyone in the room is part of “your” story. They may even be contributing to making you late. Your brain can become irrational , even though you logically know that no one has any idea what you have to do next, or what time you have to do it.

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The limited perspective from inside of your own immediate story, is likely to induce more anxiety in your body and mind. Being able to step out of that perspective at your own will, is a practice that will help to calm you.

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You can learn to change the “chatter” in your brain. Allow it to include being observant in a way that lacks judgement and biases. It can be tricky to break away from your core conditioning, and it is a skill that needs to be developed.

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As you practice this skill, you will begin to notice and observe many mpre details of what is happening in any room you are standing in, or other environment you are in.

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See the space and the people in it, as if you are floating above the room looking down. Practice noticing what people are doing, what they are holding, how they are holding themselves, and what state of emotion they seem to be in.

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Do this without attaching it in any emotional way to yourself….completely separate from your personal story. This practice will sharpen your brain and give you a broader clarity.

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When opportunities arise where you notice a small kindness you can offer to someone and your intuition tells you it feels safe to do so, then offer freely of yourself even if it is a kind word to them to touch their humanity.

You will benefit from the connection with your own humanity. You will also be in the practice of regulating your own nervous system and clarity of your brain.

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There is a time and place for random acts of kindness. If you are feeling manipulated into something, or are acting out of a feeling of shame or low self esteem, then it is not good.

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What you want is to observe in a way that lacks judgement, and to act in a way that connects you to your higher self….increasing your level of consciousness and powers to be calm and detached.

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But this is a compassionate detachment from the situation, that will allow you to step out of your pre-programmed responses. Rather than reacting out of your conditioning, you can choose your behavior from your conscious mind.

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These practices will expand your clarity and deepen your compassion for yourself and others.

💕🐇🐇💕🐇🐇💕🐇🐇💕🐇🐇💕🐇🐇💕

 

 

c-ptsd, mental illness

Stream of Consciousness Writing – Becoming Yourself

I did not post much over the weekend because I have been taking care of my daughter who has been sick.

Hopefully the antibiotics are working now. I am at work now but I will be able to check in to see how she is doing in a few hours. Tuesdays I usually babysit until 6 pm.

I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle on youtube. It kept me calm throughout the weekend. He is so interesting.

The way he describes his experience with enlightenment is an 80 percent reduction in thoughts.

I agree with what he says about our thought patterns being conditioned by society and family.

Any negative thoughts that evoke guilt or shame are un-natural. They are “programs” that we were infected with.

It is not that you should not have remorse if you cause harm to another person. That is not what I am referring to when I talk about shame.

People that grew up with emotional abuse…or other types of abuse….were “conditioned” to feel shame in such a deep way that they feel like there is something innately wrong with them.

Emotional abuse over an on-going period of time warps thought patterns and in effect “brainwashes” the person into believing things thay are not true.

These false beliefs become imbedded in the subconcious brain very deeply. When certain thoughts repeat over and over in your brain, they alter your perception of reality.

Eckharte Tolle teaches us to take moments to “be in the Now,” and this means without any connection to the past or the future.

I have come to realize, from my own studies, that your memories are not accurate. They are interpretations of events from times that you were only able to interpret the meaning of things from your own “conditioned”  brain.

The real “self” that you actually are,  is not tied to these events, or to the story of your life. Those situations and interactions do not have to define you.

The views of other people about “who you are” and what you can and cannot do, are not fully true. People view who you are through their own biases, conditioned views, and with their own story as a basis for their perception.

We do not have to accept “the mirror” that others say refects us. People we know have difficulties seeing us beyond what they expect to see.

If you want to practice being a more authentic version of yourself, you have to do it with strangers and when you meet people in settings away from people you know.

Your family is more likely to keep putting you back into your “proper box” whereas when you go into a different environment, you can expand beyond those restrictions of the perception of others.

 

 

mental illness, self-help

Mountain Meditation

mountain

Imagine your feet planted strongly

Balanced evenly on the ground

On a powerful mountain top

Gentle wind rushes by your face

The feeling is exhilarating

To your nervous system

As each nerve responds to the last

Like a domino effect

Creating a symphony

Throughout your entire body

As you feel the weight

Of the souls of your feet

Firmly grounded on the earth and rock

The living spirit of the mountain

And earth

Flows up into your legs

There is a tingling of energy

Both natural and spiritual

Flowing upward and

Creating heat and powerful force

Within you

That extends beyond your fingertips

As you feel this energy growing

You realize that your feet

Have lifted

Ever so slightly

Off the ground

Almost invisible to the naked eye

But no longer are you

Touching the earth

As you enjoy the sensations

That are flowing through you

You begin to notice a voice rising up

From the back of your mind

As your conscious mind becomes quieter

Your subconscious brain lights up

With activity and

You can access the most powerful

Parts of yourself as your

Higher spiritual self whispers

Into your mind

You notice all at once

The wind blowing across your face

The sensation of your breath

As you draw in both oxygen

And energy from the worlds

Both natural and spiritual

Your feet float gently down

To the earth and you

Feel the sensation of the

Mountain’s great power

And realize that it’s greatness

Exists because of you

Your awareness

Your power

And your consciousness

That the mountain

Is always created by you

And only exists

Because you wanted it to

energy light hands