depression, mental health, mental illness, poetry, self-esteem, self-help

Right to be Ourselves

Who are They to say we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
confront them
disagree with them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveler
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves

funny blog, life

To End This Call Hang Up

Did you ever get into one of those automated tele-mazes ( yeah, I made that up) and after you finish doing whatever it is you are doing, they say….

“To end this call, Hang Up.”

Really??

I never would have thought of that. I just would have sat there all night, waiting for instructions on how to end the call.

Or sometimes I get..

“To end this call Hang Up..Or..push 2 to end the call.”

Does anybody actually push 2?

You know what would be really funny?  If you were on a live phone call with someone who you did not really want to talk to anymore, and you said…

“Thank you for calling.  To end this call , Hang Up…or Just Sit There if you want to, but I won’t be on the phone anymore. ”

For people that have People Pleaser Syndrome and have difficulty getting off the phone when a relative is being abusive to them, we could make a recording of this message.

They could just hold the recorder up to the phone and push Play.

bloggers about narcissistic abuse, bloggers for domestic abuse, bloggers for mental abuse, blogging, codependence, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome

Revealing Truth

I just posted two quotes from the blog called Blog of a Mad Black Woman. I rarely reblog more than one thing from anyone’s blog in the same day. I just reblogged one quote on here and one on my Lovely Wounded Lady blog. These were powerful quotes that were very meaningful and inspiring to me personally. I wanted to share the ideas with my readers.

As a courtesy to Persia I would like to tell you that her blog is very powerful and that I always find something to inspire me there.

If you enjoyed the last two things I posted, I recommend that you take a visit to her blog which you can connect to HERE

Anyone who is spreading truth with their blog is highly respected by me and these blogs should be acknowledged and passed along. A couple of other other blogs that I recommend of you are seeking truth about how toxic people have an agenda to manipulate and control people are as follows. There are more and I have reblogs from many of them on the Lovely Wounded Lady Blog, which is my blog for domestic and narcissistic abuse.

Self Care Haven

Better Not Broken 

Silver Girl

Addicted to Love and Drama

There are many other great blogs by survivors if abuse and trauma and these people are committed to healing others by letting them see the truth of reality.

You can see my Once a Victim Now a Survivor post for a list of the blogs that I chose to pass the award to. These are not all of the blogs I follow and there are many more excellent bloggers that are dedicated to truth and to people being able to reach their potential without being interfered with by toxic people.

I think it might be a good thing to write posts from time to time to let readers know about other blogs that they may not be aware of. I have many amazing people that I follow and I have great respect for them as humans. It is meaningful and inspiring to find people with integrity and the strength and courage to put themselves out there for the benefit of others.

Blessing,

Annie

life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissistic abuse

Needing to Please Others for Affection and Approval – Codependence and People Pleaser Syndrome

love me

There are many of us who asked to be loved by a parent who either refused to love us, or was incapable of loving us. This can carry over into adulthood as a disorder called codependence. People who have codependent tendencies also have People Pleaser Syndrome.

The traits of People Pleaser Syndrome include difficulty saying no, a phobia of upsetting people and being around negative emotions, and a tendency to do what others want even if it causes you discomfort or even harm.

This need for approval and love was not gratified as a child, and there is still a longing for approval from others. There can be a confusion between people loving you and people approving of you.

People can approve of your actions because your actions meet their own agenda. This does not necessarily mean that they love you, or even like you. There can be a tendency to waste energy attempting to attain approval from the wrong people.

There are people who will take advantage of people pleasers because they notice that you need approval. They will manipulate you be using your emotional needs against you.

They also realize that you are kind and want to make people happy. This good nature is also something that manipulative people will notice and take advantage of.

So, what can be done for people who still want to fill their love tank from childhood? Are there any safe places for the unloved children when they become adults.

There are safe people and safe situations, but people pleasers often have trouble identifying who is taking advantage of them and who is not.

One of the main things that was broken or not fully formed during childhood is the ability to create personal boundaries.

You must have reasonable boundaries for yourself, and be unwilling to violate those boundaries just to attain approval or affection. People that truly care about you will not constantly cross your boundaries.

When another adult is constantly taking too much and asking unreasonable things from you, then you need to take a look at the overall relationship.

When people insist on crossing your reasonable boundaries, then it is time to tell them no, even if they act upset or disappointed with you. Other people tolerate disappointing people and that is something to practice getting used to. People will be upset with you when you refuse to allow them to have their way.

That is okay. Everyone does not need to have their way all the time. No one needs to have their way all the time, while they ignore your feelings. If someone is always demanding their way, in spite of you telling them how you feel , then it is time for them to get used to telling them no.

You will never get your love and approval needs met from people that only care about their own agenda.

Not only that, the people that would be caring to you may be getting ignored by you because your energy is being taken up by manipulative people.

The squeaky wheels tend to get the oil. They drain all of your time and energy, just because they are demanding. In the mean time, there may be other people in your life that are feeling starved of your love and attention. You may not mean to do this, but it happens to people pleasers sometimes.

Pay attention to the ones that respect your boundaries and the people who are loving towards you. Do not confuse someone telling you that they care about you, with people that actually care about you. Love is not in the words.

There are manipulative people that will enter into relationships with codependent people and tell them that they are good to them.

If someone has to announce to you or to others that they are good to you, then that should make you wonder.

Some abusers use this tactic to confuse their victim. They will tell you that they are good to you and even tell others how good they are to you.

Look at how people treat you, not how they say they treat you.

See if the relationship is really balanced. If you are always doing things for them and they complain about having to do one thing for you, then you may want to evaluate how fair the relationship is to you.

The need to be approved of and loved is strong with adult children of alcoholics and other abusive parents. But that need cannot be met by abusive people.

Once you practice drawing simple basic boundaries, then you will be able to attract people that respect those boundaries. Notice what boundaries other people have. They should respect the same boundaries with you that they expect you to respect for them.

Here are a few examples of someone having their own boundaries but not allowing you to have them.

1. They do not allow you to call them at work. But they call and interrupt you at work all the time.

2. They do not do favors for you that will interfere with things they need to get done. But they insist on you doing favors for them, even when you tell them that you have other things that you need to do.

3. They are clear with you about not interfering with their sleep schedule, work schedule and other time frames. But they keep you up late when you have to work the next day and make you run late for work by keeping you on the phone.

4. They insist that you answer the phone when they call, even if you are busy. But they ignore your calls and call you back hours later if at all, even when you leave a message that it is important.

5. They are clear that they have other relationships that need their time and attention. But they get upset or angry when you spend time with other people or do things to maintain other relationships, rather than giving them all of your time and attention.

anxiety, depression, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissistic abuse

Emotophobia – the Fear of Strong Negative Emotions

Emotophobia is the fear of unpleasant emotions, not to be confused with emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.

There is little online about emotophobia.

The few articles I found offered the suggestion to “stop treating negative emotions as if they are your enemies and can harm you.”

This is somewhat condescending and implies that emotions themselves cannot harm you.

The person offering this advice clearly has never been in a situation where showing negative emotions could harm them.

So, they think it is rather ridiculous that someone would associate their negative emotions with danger.

The problem with this thinking is that there are situations where someone’s emotions can cause them harm.

This advise shows a complete misunderstanding of emotophobia and its root causes.

People with emotophobia are not “treating” emotions as if they are the enemy.

For people that have emotophobia, emotions were the enemy and they were followed by consequences.

People that grew up in mentally abusive childhoods were not permitted to have emotions like other people are.

The expression of emotion, which represents being an individual, is often punished by abusive parents.

Even children who were not physically abused, could have had their right to individual ideas and feelings violated.

Narcissistic parents and other overbearing, maniplulative parents do not want their children to develop independent thoughts and ideas.

They do not want their children thinking in terms of their own needs at all. When their children expressed feelings, the parents retaliated.

Punishments from the silent treatment to aggressive verbal abuse of the child are used.

Physical consequences may also follow as a matter of course, when a child showed anything resembling disobedience, including not feeling what they were told to feel.

These mentally abusive parents, want the focus on themselves and their needs. They demand for the child to cater to their ever changing desires and demands.

In order to survive in this type of environment, the child must learn to constantly read the parent’s body language and tone of voice.

They must anticipate the desires and moods of the parent. If they fail to do so, it is met with negative consequences.

If the child expresses disagreement, or unhappiness with the parent, they will likely incur the anger and wrath of the parent.

Even a facial expression of disagreement with the parent can bring out their anger.

For their own protection, these children and teenagers learn to disguise their feelings and push them down.

They do not want the parent to see their feelings because it will be used against them.

If you grew up in this type of environment, then feeling negative emotions was the enemy. It is not something we have suddenly developed an irrational fear of as adults.

This environment causes C-PTSD, which is Complex Post Traumatic Stess Disorder, in many people. This is carried over into adulthood.

So, the advice to “stop treating emotions as if they were the enemy” and to tell people that feeling emotions is safe, does not make sense to someone with C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse.

Adults can also develop emotophobia from ongoing abusive relationships with a partner. Women become afraid to disagree with their partner because they fear his anger.

Abusive people do not tolerate independence from their partner in the way of them expressing feelings like sadness and anger.

Again, the brain rewires the neural connections to avoid showing negative feelings. This is a necessary survival tactic at the time.

It is not easily undone. The brain considers it necessary in order to protect the safety of the person.

It takes years to develop this survival tactic and to detach from and avoid negative emotions. The brain becomes wired to discourage entering into situations that may cause negative emotions.

To undo what was a learned survival skill takes a lot of work in re-wiring the brain.

Telling someone “emotions are your friends” does not work, especially without any idea why the person feels such anxiety about emotions like anger and sadness.

The only people who really understand what it feels like to have severe anxiety about showing anger, and sadness to others are those of us that are carrying the C-PTSD that causes it.

This is not a simple problem to just fix. Minimizing the problem and misunderstanding the root causes just makes those of us suffering from emotophobia feel worse.

Treatment for emotophobia would have to begin with drudging up past trauma in a safe environment. It has to be done in small doses that the person can handle.

Each individual person that suffers from this phobia has a unique past and so their treatment would be individual.

compassion, life, love, mental health, mental illness, self-help

Love Your Inner Child

inner child

Love your inner child.

We all still have the inner child inside of us. Sometimes the inner child takes over and feels things as if we were that vulnerable small person again.

If you had any mental abuse or other abuse during your childhood, then your inner child will still feel the unfairness of situations and experience it as if you were back in time. Sometimes we can have a feeling of helplessness, that is the same as we felt when we were small children or teenagers, and dependent upon others for most everything.

Sometimes certain people may behave in such a way that triggers the trauma response from things we experiences as children. As an adult we are not sure where this severe emotion and feeling of helplessness is coming from.

We may react to the person out of our trauma response, rather than act out of thought. If we are sent by our brain back to that feeling of helplessness, then we may feel angry, afraid or sad.

When dealing with manipulative people, we need to be in an emotionally detached state of mind. Then we can observe what they are doing and not get caught up in the emotions of our inner child.

Keeping an emotionally detached state, when dealing with manipulative people, will help to keep you from being taken advantage of.

We do not have to feel what this person is trying to force us to feel. We can choose how much emotion this person is going to be allowed to get out of us. Maybe they are not even worthy of you getting upset to please them.

Perhaps we do not have to comply with their desires when they are unreasonable.  After all those are their desires not yours.

Love Yourself

Listen to your inner child and care for them.

They are still a part living inside of your mental makeup. Your inner child has wounds that may have not have healed. Maybe your inner child still feels helpless and as an adult you sometimes fall into a learned helplessness state.

Learned helplessness is the feeling of being helpless in a situation even when you have the power to walk away or make changes, such as controlling your response. People can push you around and manipulate you easily when you are in this state if being.

You are not helpless and you can control your responses in situations. But your inner child needs to be tended to, if you are going to able to take more control over situations where manipulative people are trying to dominate over you.

love is trending

If the inner child has things to say, then they need to be heard. They were treated unfairly in situations and perhaps they were not given the love and feeling of security that they should have been given.

You can comfort your inner child by communicating with them and telling them that you understand that they are hurt and confused. Let them know that people could have and should have treated them differently in many situations. It was unjust, unkind or abusive.

When there are times that are appropriate, you can have this communication with this part  of yourself that lives inside of you.

Time seems linear but as far as your inner child is concerned time is stuck at the point where their developmental growth was interfered with.

They are stuck in the pain of the time on your life where you were most vulnerable and your rights were violated.

Children and teenagers should be given respect and room to express their thoughts and feelings. If your was not, then they may still have thoughts and feelings that they want to let you know about.

Care for this inner child, as if they were under your guardianship, because they are. Ignoring them will cause for them to come jumping to the foreground when you are in stressful situations, especially ones that remind them of injustice they experiences.

It is okay to still carry those feelings from your childhood, but it can be damaging to you to ignore them. You would have treated the child differently, if you had been the adult caring for them. The same goes for when you were a teenager.

Let them know that you would have done things differently in the situations that are bothering them the most. You can go over the situation.

Allow your inner child to tell you what they are hurt about.  

From an adult point of view, evaluate where the caregivers did things that were thoughtless or selfish. Then tell your inner child that it should not have happened that way and you would not have done that to them.

Let them know that they deserved to be treated better. Even tell them exactly what should have happened and how a loving adult, like you, would have cared for them.

Any feelings that are being carried by your inner child, are valid and they matter. They cannot be left unattended. This will only cause for you to become disabled in situations where another person is attempting to manipulate you.

Some kinds of toxic people are very good at targeting the people that have a wounded inner child.  They can tell and they know where to push your buttons, to make you go into the learned helplessness mode.

Love yourself and your inner child.

It was unfair that you were mistreated as a child or a teenager. You need to let your inner child know that you know this and are feel for them.

Care for yourself and your inner child. Learn to identify when you are being triggered by a situation that is making you feel that vulnerability, helplessness and unworthiness. Children who grew up with people who made them feel unworthy of love and attention, carry that feeling into adulthood.

Let your inner child know that they were always worthy of love and affection.

You were worthy of your feelings and thoughts being listened to. As an adult you are also worthy of love. You are worthy to have your feelings about situations respected and considered.

Once you can know that you are just as worthy and special as anyone else, it will be easier for you to make your voice heard and let others know that their feelings are not the only feelings that matter.

Blessings,

Annie

domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse

Eight Typical Traits of Abused Women – Yet they still feel Worthless

great worth

People who end up the targets of narcissistic abuse and abuse by other toxic personalities typically have the above traits. Yet they end up with a feeling of worthlessness.

Most people would not and could not tolerate the behaviors of the narcissist. Only someone with extreme patience, tolerance, and a willingness to extend themselves to the toxic person, would be a victim of abuse.

Narcissists and other abuser do not try to choose targets that lack empathy, or a sense of fairness. They seek out the most kind, and compassionate people to target.

Don’t get me wrong. You should set boundaries and never be the victim of abuse again. You can still retain all of your good qualities, but you need to add boundaries for yourself.

Even though victims of abuse tend to posses compassionate qualities and are kind and caring people. they end up feeling worthless and like a failure for months or even years after an abusive relationship.

If this is you, then print out my little poster and hang it by your bed or on your bathroom mirror. You are full of worth and value. You are special, otherwise the abuser would not have chosen you.

Narcissists want to destroy people that are happy being compassionate. They want to stop you from being happy and spreading empathy to the world. It works against their agenda and they are jealous of what you have that they will never have.

Even if you do not feel like connecting with people right now, you will be able to again once you heal. The healing process takes time. Narcissistic abuse is powerful and causes deep wounds.

Your self esteem is crushed, Perhaps even more damaged is your sense of believing in your ability to know who to trust. Your perception of reality was interfered with and you may feel that trusting people is too dangerous.

This is a normal reaction to narcissistic abuse. It will pass with time. You are full of worthiness and value. Your empathy is needed in the world.

You will see the red flags next time, as long as you study and learn about narcissism and abusive personalities. You will be able to share your light again !

Blessings,

Annie

codependence, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health

People Pleaser Tendency to Reason with the Unreasonable

If someone has consistently shown you that they do not have a desire to care about how you feel, then stop expecting to find kindness and caring from them.

They may not want to care about your feelings. They may not have the capacity to empathize with you. Either way, you cannot force people or convert people to the side of kindness and compassion.

If someone never listens to your thoughts and feelings then they possibly never will. Communication goes two directions. If you always listen to their side, and they never listen to your side, then see it for what it is.

If your communication is consistently not being heard, no matter what the circumstance, then most likely this person has no intention to hear you.

Holding onto beliefs that you can “make them” care about you, is not productive. Find alternative ways to deal with conflicts and situations with them.

Evaluate what they do with information you give them. What has happened in the past, when you explained your reasons, and your thoughts to them?

Do they end up using it against you?

Do they completely disregard it?

Do they hear and remember what you say?

Do they claim later on, not to remember what you said?

Do they make fun of what you say and belittle you?

Do they laugh at you?

Do they become angry when you present your side of a situation?

Do they give you equal time to explain yourself or do they cut you off?

Do they bring other people, who seem inappropriate, into your conversations?

Look at the history and make observations in present time. See if they are the same way with other people.

Learn what their usual tactics are, in order to get their way.

Observe their responses to situations where you or others try to stand up for an opposing or alternative opinion.

Making these observations will help you to learn things about this person’s behavior, attitude and patterns.

Often people that are rigid, unbending, and always right, have observable, predictable response patterns.

If you can learn this about them, then you can use it in order to find ways to deal with their rigidity.

You have to work around people sometimes. Most importantly you have to protect your mental state and not allow people to cross into your emotional boundaries.

You cannot make them care. You cannot logically or rationally convince them that they should care about the feelings of others, or your feelings in particular.

But you may notice that you have been doing things to put yourself in their line of fire. You are giving them the advantage, by assuming that deep down they are really a caring person.

The more you believe that an uncompassionate person really wants to care , the more advantage they have over you.

Not only that. They are probably fully aware that you want them to care and that you believe they want to.

There are people that will use your kind beliefs about them really being a caring person inside, against you in situations.

Observe people like this with an objective, scientific like mindset. Take notes on each situation and how they respond.

If you are dealing with a rigid person that never has empathy, then you need to know their response patterns. It should not blindside you, when they respond with a completely narcissistic attitude.

Dealing with these kinds of people can be stressful and crush your self esteem and feelings of self worth.

Situations where people like this are harmful to you are: as bosses, supervisors, neighbors, therapists, doctors, landlords and other positions where they can affect you.

Intimate relationships with anyone who has no empathy or compassion for you are even more dangerous.

People will not always believe what you have experienced with someone who lacks compassion. You cannot always get your opinions and observations about them validated.

Also be careful talking about this person to others.

You do not know who they have manipulated into doing what, including reporting what you say about them.

That is why it will help you to take personal notes. Write down what you said and exactly what they said in response.

If you are on the phone, you can do this with a pen and paper during the conversation. If the interaction is in person, then take notes when you have privacy to write them

Keep your notes as “word for word” as possible. Do not change their wording to what you think they must have meant.

The exact wordings will help you later on, when you look over lots of interactions on paper. You can find inconsistencies and gaslighting tactics this way.

There are compassionate people, but all people are not compassionate. There are people who care about what happens to you and there are people who never will.

Your Peace of Mind matters,
Annie