anxiety, bipolar, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, mental health, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, suicude

Enter My Brain at Your Own Risk…Depression and bad thoughts

riskEnter my brain at your own risk

It’s not for the faint of heart

Thoughts that you should never think

And circuits just coming apart

Enter my world if you dare

No one would fault you for not

The ones who have entered before you

Did not always come back to stop

Sometimes we hesitate to reach out for real help from people because we do not feel that they will be able to handle helping us. If we were to be truly transparent to them, it would be too much of a burden. Especially when we are very depressed and thinking thoughts that are dark and disturbing.

It is true that there are many people in our lives that could not handle entering into the world of our minds, at the times when our thoughts are the darkest. There are also people that would not understand,  because the kinds of thought patterns that can occur during severe depression, can be so unusual and unbelievable,  to people that have never had them.

Thoughts of why we should still be living. Thoughts about the worthlessness of our lives, and the pain that feels too much to continue. There many people who are so uncomfortable with hearing thoughts about life and death, that they would ask us not to speak of such things.

Working in healthcare, I have had patients that were suicidal or at least not wanting to live anymore. When they mentioned anything along those lines, the other workers would say the very things that should not be said to someone who is in that state of mind.

1. You don’t really mean that

2. Don’t talk like that

3. You are just trying to get attention

4. Everyone feels depressed sometimes and we don’t go around saying things like that

5. It can’t be that bad

6. It is not that bad

7. You have a good life

8. You would not really do that

9. Don’t say things you don’t mean

The list goes on, but you get the idea. People are so uncomfortable when people say they do not really want to be here anymore, that they say the very things that will shut them down, or worse.

Numbers 8 and 9 above, are almost challenges, to someone who already feels like they no longer want to live. The speaker is not realizing that the person may already have formulated a plan for suicide. The plan may have been acted out in their minds so many times that it would only take a “challenge” like one of those statements, to shift the person from thinking about suicide into the mode of acting upon the already formulated plan.

Suicide can be done quickly and on an impulse. Or it can be carefully planned. All people with depression are certainly not suicidal, but either way, people do not always know how to respond to dark thoughts of any kind, when they hear them.

Some people may react to your opening up to them, in a way that makes you feel shamed. It is like the thought of being worthless, and having no purpose to be here, is a bad behavior. It is an unwanted, outside the norm, unacceptable behavior. Family members may tell you that your saying things like that embarrasses them and not to ever speak of it again.

The problem is there. Sometimes you need to talk to someone about your depression, and no one wants to listen. People want to walk through life and pretend that bad things do not exist. They also do not understand much else than their own particular world will allow.

Severe depression is something that a person needs to talk about with another human. It needs to be heard and the thoughts need to be outside of the person’s head for once.  The longer the dark thoughts go around and around, the more alone the person feels. The lack of anyone to talk to, only increases the feeling that “I do not belong here in the world”

If you already feel alone and afraid then being rejected by someone about your thoughts, makes you feel more alone and more afraid. This is a very sad and lonely place to be. All alone inside your head, with frightening darkness. This is not the way it should be.

. I think that some people are not going to listen to it, no matter what. But everyone is not the same, and there are some people that can handle listening to someone in a deep depression.

I hope that if you are feeling the darkness of depression, that you can find someone who can handle listening to you, better yet sitting with you and listening in a personal way. When there is no one, then we have to find other ways of reaching out, like on wordpress or other online sources.

Depression can be very dark, and being alone in the darkness is  terrible place to be. My thoughts are with anyone who is feeling very depressed now. I wish for you that you can find a safe space to express the thoughts in your mind.

Blessings

Annie

compassion, dating, family, kindness, life, love peom, poem, poetry, relationships

Hold My Hand Ten Times

Hold my hand one time

My companion and my listener

Hold my hand two times

My consoler and my validator

Hold my hand three times

My shelter from the storm

Hold my hand four times

My medicine man and healer

Hold my hand five times

My friend and confidant

Hold my hand six times

My supporter and biggest fan

Hold my hand seven times

My strong and handsome man

Hold my hand eight times

My muse and inspiration

Hold my hand nine times

My hope and adoration

Hold my hand ten times

My lover and my soul mate

The reason I stay up late

depression, insomnia, mental health, mental illness, poem, poetry, ptsd

Hide and Seek ….insomnia poem

Darkness fell

hours ago

Sunlight will come

in an minute or so

Sleep has eluded

hidden from sight

Like a child playing

hide and seek

in a place

in plain sight

Thoughts run

and run

around

and around

No silence for you

No lessening of sound

The lights are all off

the house is silent too

The only thing 

that’s not stopping

is your mind

It’s  never through

abnormal psychology, mental health, mental illness, poem, poetry

Anxiety Relieving Space (a poem for mental wellness)

Space

Is  what we do not notice

Space between things

Space in the room

Space

Is what we need more of

But we fill it up

With too much stuff

Space

has potential to heal our minds

Help us be calm

Help us to  think

Help us to breath

Help us to move

To imagine

To create

We see space in a room…

And we want to fill it up

Perfectly good space it is

but we have the urge

To get rid of it

To take it up

With things

We  focus on things

And ignore the emptiness

We forget the value

of beautiful , clean,

free, space

Full of possibilities

Full of mystery

Full of newness

Full of hope

Space to express

To meditate

To stretch

To expand

To be loud

To be quiet

To sit, stand, and lie down

When there is

Too much empty space

It bothers us

We can’t just let it be

We want to fill it up

With meaningless things

We do not need

Things that do not

serve us

Things that do not

provide for us

nor speak to us…

Not like empty space does

Emptiness  

can speak to our minds

Emptiness

can allow our minds

to declutter

Emptiness

can  heal

the disorganization

of our brains

Emptiness of the room

Emptiness of our mind

To let go of bad thoughts

To let go of mental torment

I want an empty room

With soft rugs on the floor

Nothing more,

Nothing more

Only the peace and serenity

 Calmness and grace

Of pure and simple

Empty space

 

anxiety, depression, healing poetry, health, holiday ideas, holiday poem, holiday stress, life, poem, poetry, wellness

A Corner That’s Quiet

I just want to rest

Away from the stress

A corner that’s quiet

Please let me try it

Away from the mean ones

Just myself alone

To think my own thoughts

To cry and to moan

To feel what I feel

Without being told

Just who I should be

And what I should own

I just want to sit

In silence right here

No yelling or scolding

No judgement or pain

I want to be me

The way that I am

In my perfect world

Inside of my heart

Because all that I own

Is inside of my soul

They can’t take it from me

I won’t give them control

abnormal psychology, alcoholism, anxiety, anxiety attack, bipolar, bipolar disorder, depression, insomnia, mental disorders, mental health, mental illness, ocd, panic attack, psychology

Don’t F%#&!! with My Manic Phase / Ode to Bipolar Phases

Monday
Was Filled With
Extreme Anxiety
Uncertainty
Heart Palpitations
Chest Pain
Nervousness
Nausea
Insomnia
Confusion

Tuesday
Was Filled with
Depression
Tears
Sadness
Pain
Regret
Sobbing
Loneliness
Disability
Fogginess

Wednesday
Was filled with
Numbness
Lethargy
Apathy
Inability
Disgust
Solitude
Isolation
Medication
Shame
Disorientation

But Thursday
Is filled with
Illusions of grandeur
Incessant talking
High Self-Esteem
Hyperactivity
Productivity
Intelligence
Empowerment
Energy
Visions
Ideas
Clarity

Don’t F&$!! with my Manic Phase !!!

addiction, addictive personality, anxiety, buddhism, depression, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional healing, empowerment, free form poetry, gender issues, healing poetry, inspirational, meditation, mental disorders, mental health, ocd, philosophy, poetry, psychology, spirituality, suicude, women's issues

Accepting Ourselves for Who We Are

There is a great healing that can come from accepting ourselves just as we are. To accept ourselves as a special person with strengths and weaknesses.

No one is perfect although so many would like you to think so. People act as though they are better than you but they are not.

This does not mean that we cannot strive for improvement. Accepting ourselves with all of our shortcomings and disabilities is ok.

This does not imply complacency. It does not limit us in any way. In fact it opens us up to new possibilities.

It allows us to believe that perhaps we can accomplish great things.

If we see ourselves as others do , we cannot explore new versions of ourselves that we could experience.

If we only see our mistakes, our limitations, then how can we open our own wings and fly?

What accepting ourselves does is allow us to forgive our own shortcomings and have some compassion towards ourselves. Perhaps some sense of humor about our “current” limitations and idiosyncrasies.

We are so compassionate and forgiving of others. We understand and let go so many mistakes and flaws in other people. We put up with mistakes and inabilities of other people every day.

Why can’t we accept ourselves for who we are?

Each one of us is made up of talent, skill, beauty, love, mistakes, flaws, disabilities and strengths. We are, each of us, a unique being in the universe.

In our uniqueness we are special and significant.

We are no less worthy of forgiveness and acceptance than the others. No less worthy than the ones we give the gift of grace and mercy to every day.

Let us open the box that other people have put us into. The little box that we feel we belong in.

We can go beyond the “us” that other people see, perceive and tell us we are.

Dare to do something that people who “know” us would say we can’t do.

Who are They to say we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveller
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves