Abusive Relationships – Substandard Living Conditions

messy house

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Many cases of narcissistic abuse end up in the financial devastation of the victim. But long before the end of the relationship, some victims are living far below what is humane and healthy.

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Because the narcissist does not see you as an individual human being with rights and boundaries, your living conditions are often of no concern to them.

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Basic needs for healthcare, spending cash, healthy environment, and safe living environment are often refused by the narcissist. The victim lives behind closed doors is despicable, inhumane conditions, that they are too embarrassed and ashamed to speak of outside of the home.

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Even after the relationship has ended, and the victim begins to interact with other victims, this is a dark secret that is kept hidden. There is extreme shame about having to live in sub-human conditions and it is even hard to explain.

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Since the victim is so used to being doubted and gaslighted, this secret is never talked about for fear of re-traumatization. The victim just cannot take any more minimization or disbelief of their reality.

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They also cannot tolerate any more shaming than they have already endured from the narcissist, and from others who disbelieved any parts of their truth.

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This post is just to let you know that other victims have also lived in sub-human conditions at the hands of a narcissist. It may be one of the most powerful ways the narcissist controls you.

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When you are suffering just to exist, there is no energy for anything else. Your self esteem is completely crushed and you fear letting anyone into your home to see how you live.

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This has the effect of completely isolating you from potential helpers, friends and anyone who might try to bring any light of truth into the dark reality tunnel the narcissist makes you exist in.

Emotophobia from Emotional Abuse

emotophobia

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image source Pinterest

Emotophobia is the fear of unpleasant emotions, not to be confused with emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.

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There is little online about emotophobia, so I thought this would be a great topic to write about. People that suffer from emotophobia need to understand what it is and what causes it. It is the first step to healing.

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The few articles I found offered the suggestion to “stop treating negative emotions as if they are your enemies and can harm you.”

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This implies that emotions themselves cannot harm you. But abusive situations are different from normal ones. There are two basic reasons that people who grew up with abuse can end up with emotophobia. 

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The narcissistic parent does not allow their child to be an individual. When the child expresses their feelings and thoughts that are different that the parent wants them to be, the parent reacts with punishment of some kind. 

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Emotional punishments are typical from narcissistic parents, when the child asserts their boundaries, their feelings, or otherwise asserts their identity as an individual. 

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Living with a parent that can suddenly explode, means to be on constant vigilant duty to protect the parent from becoming upset. In some cases the child has to take on the parenting role. 

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Part of keeping the parent from becoming upset, is to keep any negative feelings of your own to yourself. So you are basically brainwashed into thinking that all negative emotions are bad, both yours and those of the people around you. 

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Saying “No” to people can be difficult because it brings up the symptoms of the C-PTSD.  Adrenaline and cortisol are released into the body, alerting the person that there is a threat. Even if the threat is imagined, the physiological response is the same. The feelings of panic in the body are the same as if there is an actual danger or threat of danger.

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People with emotophobia are wired to control their own emotions and the emotions of the people around them. We feel responsible to comply with people, in order to keep them from becoming angry or upset. This is called People Pleaser Syndrome.

 

There is an association between someone becoming upset and being hurt yourself. Complying with other people helps to keep the PTSD response at bay. The anxiety that an abused person feels when they are near someone who is becoming angry, can be overwhelming. 

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yelling

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image source Pinterest

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This anxiety is then coupled with the fact that you are not “supposed to” express how you are feeling. So when the adrenaline kicks in from the PTSD response, the person just wants to shut it down as fast as possible.

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It is better to avoid it all together and just keep the people around you content. At least that is how it can feel.

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.For people that have emotophobia, emotions were the enemy and they were followed

by consequences.

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People that grew up in mentally abusive childhoods were not permitted to have emotions like other people are. It is not safe for them to express their feelings 

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The expression of emotion, which represents being an individual, is often punished by abusive parents.

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Adults who were emotionally abused as  children do not always recognize the abuse. They think that if they were not physically injured by their parents that everything else was okay. You may have felt that something was wrong when you were a child. If you did then you probably were emotionally and mentally abused. 

Narcissistic parents and other overbearing, manipulative parents do not want their children to develop independent thoughts and ideas.

They do not want their children thinking in terms of their own needs at all. When their children expressed feelings, the parents retaliated.

Punishments from the silent treatment to aggressive verbal abuse of the child are used.

Physical consequences may also follow as a matter of course, when a child showed anything resembling disobedience, including not feeling what they were told to feel.

These mentally abusive parents, want the focus on themselves and their needs. They demand for the child to cater to their ever changing desires and demands.

In order to survive in this type of environment, the child must learn to constantly read the parent’s body language and tone of voice.

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They must anticipate the desires and moods of the parent. If they fail to do so, it is met with negative consequences.

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If the child expresses disagreement, or unhappiness with the parent, they will likely invoke the anger and wrath of the parent.

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.crying child

image source Pinterest

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Even a facial expression of disagreement with the parent can bring out their anger.

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For their own protection, these children and teenagers learn to disguise their feelings and push them down.

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They do not want the parent to see their feelings because it will be used against them.

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If you grew up in this type of environment, then feeling negative emotions was the enemy. It is not something we have suddenly developed an irrational fear of as adults.

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This environment causes C-PTSD, which is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, in many people. This is carried over into adulthood.

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So, the advice to “stop treating emotions as if they were the enemy” and to tell people that feeling emotions is safe, does not make sense to someone with C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse.

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Adults can also develop emotophobia from ongoing abusive relationships with a partner. Women become afraid to disagree with their partner because they fear his anger.

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Abusive people do not tolerate independence from their partner. When the victim asserts the fact that they are an individual person, it is met with extreme resistance or anger from the narcissist.

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Again, the brain rewires the neural connections to avoid showing negative feelings. This is a necessary survival tactic at the time.

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It is not easily undone. The subconscious brain wants to do everything to protect you. Living with an abusive parent requires the brain to alter neural pathways, in order to make you hypervigilant about the parent’s emotions.  It learns to focus more on their feelings than on yours, so that you can survive.

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It takes years to develop this survival tactic and to detach from and avoid negative emotions. The brain becomes wired to discourage entering into situations that may cause negative emotions.

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To undo what was a learned survival skill takes a lot of work in re-wiring the brain.

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Telling someone “emotions are your friends” does not work, especially without any idea why the person feels such anxiety about emotions like anger and sadness.

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The problem with emotophobia is that having it makes you easier for people to manipulate. People that want their way all the time, can use emotional manipulation to make you want to comply, rather than experiencing the pain of the emotophobia symptoms. 

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Realizing that you allow people to have their way, in order to avoid upsetting them is the first step to healing. Then you can understand that people get upset sometimes and unless you are in danger from them in some way, you can endure the feelings you will go through when they react to you. 

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You can begin to recognize when someone is trying to emotionally manipulate you. They will not take no for an answer. They use shame and guilt to get you to do things. Another sign is that their reactions to things will be far out of proportion to the “slight” they should be perceiving. 

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You have just as much of a right to your boundaries as anyone else does. People should not get their way just because they play on your fear of upsetting them. Experiencing emotions such as sadness, fear and anger is normal. You can learn that you can sit with emotions and get to the other side. 

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**for information about coaching, hypnosis, and NLP for people with C-PTSD and emotophobia see my web site HERE or follow the gentlekindness facebook page HERE

How to Live with Emotional Trauma and PTSD

ptsd facesimage from pinterest source here 

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People who have mental pain, have trouble in day to day situations, where other people seem to float right through.

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Everyone around us seems to have a better handle on just getting through life, than we do. It is so easy to become discouraged by watching other people do things that we either cannot do, or cannot do without mental anguish.

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People are good at things that they have had the background, the support, and the early wiring to be good at. Even the things we learn when we are older, are easier to learn if we were wired properly when we were growing up.

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A lot of the people you are comparing yourself to had parents that helped them to follow the normal development stages and they also had the mental stability to process all of the stages properly, in order for the neurons in their brains to be set up to do these things.

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There are chemicals involved in every process we do. The chemicals in our brains are dominating our feelings and our feelings affect how well we can do things.

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We have behavioral patterns and they are also linked to the organic connections (neurons and chemicals) in our brains.

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If there is any trauma, abuse, neglect during childhood / teenage hood, we can end up with things that are not wired properly. We also end up with the chemicals sending the wrong signals and we feel depression, anxiety and worthlessness about ourselves.

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Your feelings of not being as good as other people are conditioned behavioral patterns of your brain. Past trauma, abuse or neglect may have caused these patterns.

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Your inability to things that other people do, may be related to feeling inadequate to do them, feeling depressed, anxiety etc. This is not your fault that you have these chemical, neurological responses to doing things.

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If you feel anxiety about something and someone else does not feel that, then of course they will be able to do that thing, better and more easily than you can.

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It is not fair to yourself to compare your brain on depression or anxiety with their brain that is functioning perfectly well. It does not mean that you can never learn to do it, but it means that it is much harder for you to do things, than it is for them.

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When we have mental illness issues, it is more fair to us, if we so not compare ourselves directly with people who do not have any mental illness or trauma in their background. I have recently come to believe this is true

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I spent many years wondering why I felt so inadequate to everyone and why I felt so out of place.

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I had so much trauma in my back ground that I could not keep up with the people that had brains that functioned normally. It was not that I was not as smart, but it was because my brain was and is so traumatized.

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I am learning that we have to be kind to ourselves. In order to be kind to ourselves, we have to understand and feel compassion for the fact that trauma, abuse, neglect, depression, anxiety and any other mental issues, does cause us some disability.

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We cannot always compete with the other people. There is no reason that you have to do things the way other people do them. 

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image sd face

image source here

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We can learn to heal and to slowly re-wire our brains. But mostly we have to talk to ourselves like we would talk to someone else that we knew was having trouble feeling as good as everyone else. You are as good as everyone else, whether you can do everything they can do or not.

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We all have gifts and are good at things. You might be good at something that those other people suck at. I bet you are better are being compassionate for another human that feels depressed and worthless.

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The ability to be compassionate is not a gift that a lot of people have. Compassion is a lost art these days. People who have mental suffering can often also be compassionate to others who have depression and anxiety. That makes you better than them at something.

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You are also probably better are being introspective and analyzing things.  Many people  just go with the flow of what everyone else is doing and they do not think for themselves. If you can think for yourself then you are better at that too.

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I think that we are just better at different things than most people are. There is room for us in the world too. The world cannot be balanced, if all of the people just follow the crowd and just act the same way and believe the same things.

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Once we begin to be accepting of ourselves just the way we are, then we can begin to re-wire some of the trauma that we have.

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People with psychological trauma usually end up with some kind of post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, OCD or other mental disorder. We can learn to show kindness to ourselves.

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We can learn to be functional, compassionate people. There are plenty of things we can be good at. If we cannot answer the phones for a job, because we have social anxiety then so be it.  If we cannot work at certain types of jobs because we are constantly triggered onto post traumatic stress there, then so be it.

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A person with an eating disorder may not be able to work in a bakery. Well if they cannot do that, it does not make them less than anyone else.

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It just means that they cannot do that activity safely  because of their disorder. Someone who has a phobia of open spaces cannot work in the mall. So, what of it?

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We are okay the way we are. We are trying to heal. We are trying to connect with others. If there are things we cannot do, then so be it.

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It is not because we are less than anyone else. They did not grow up, or have the adult past that we have had. Someone else may not have survived your situations as well as you did. How do they know what it is like in your world?

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We all need a break from feeling shame, inadequacy, and worthlessness. We need to show ourselves some kindness and compassion in our thoughts about ourselves. We are doing the best we can with what we have to work with. We have to work with our brains being the way they are, right at this very minute.

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Blessings to all,

Annie

10 Things about a Relationship with a Manipulative or Emotionally Abusive Person

  1. Other people do not get to decide what upsets you and what does not.
  2. Other people have no frame of reference about your life, to be able to decide if you are being “too sensitive” or “hyper sensitive” . No…they just don’t get to!
  3. Shaming someone is not love or support in any way, no matter how they attempt to twist things around to convince you. No shaming! Don’t accept it!
  4. People do not have the right to tell you how to perceive reality or to question you perception of reality. No they don’t! Just say NO !
  5. You are completely entitled to your feelings and to feel hurt when someone is….. mean, disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, sarcastic, deceiptful, dishonest, disappointing, exploitative, condescending or minimizing to your reality.
  6. Someone insisting you perceive things the way they tell you to all the time is gaslighting you.
  7. You have the right to a conversation with a loved one about abusive or hurtful behavior. You are not being abusive to them when you point out behavior that hurts you and express your feelings about that behavior!!!
  8. Conversations about your feelings that always turn around somehow to be about their feelings, is a red flag of narcissistic abuse.
  9. No demeaning behavior, embarrassing you, disresectful behavior or condescending attitudes have to be tolerated. It does not prove that you love them…it is just evidence that you have been desensitized to that kind of treatment.
  10. Excuses for their behavior that make you the cause of it, are UNACCEPTABE !

PTSD Re-traumatization and Self Isolation

PTSD is a term most people have heard, but often they do not really know what it means.

If you tell someone you have PTSD, it may be hard for them to know what you mean by that, unless they have it themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member with it.

People with PTSD have trouble with relationships, but not for the reasons people think.

Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them. 

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being. 

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them. 

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

Some triggers cannot be avoided, such as loud noises that may occur independently from either person. However, talking someone into going to a loud dance club, or guilting them into going to fireworks, when it has been made clear that loud noises are triggers, is abusive.

People who have PTSD from the military, and people who have PTSD from domestic abuse have different causes for their symptoms, but some things are the same.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

 The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.

Someone who had their jaw fractured by an abusive boyfriend, who suddenly stormed towards them in a fit of anger, may be triggered by someone coming quickly into their personal space, especially if that person is angry.

Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives  the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.

Soldiers that come back from war only to be disrespected by civilians, or invalidated and ignored by the Veterans Administration, are being re-traumatized.

It is a way of invalidating a person’s reality. This has negative effects on the person’s mental and emotional state.

People with PTSD can be perfectly good and caring partners and friends. They just need validation, respect and understanding.

But after repeated re-traumatization, a person feels isolated and too vulnerable to take a chance on trusting another person again. This leads to self isolation, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that our subconscious brain feels threatened by the potential that we would be completely isolated, shunned or thrown out of the social circle.

A Little Evolutionary Psychology

In the past, humans lived in social survival groups called tribes.  Being accepted and included by the tribe was critical for survival. Being shunned would have meant death !

Our primal brain  (called the reptilian brain) perceives rejection by the tribe to be potentially life threatening.  When we are feeling a similar kind of threat, it triggers the fight or flight response in our limbic system of the brain. The amygdala becomes active and send all kinds of alerts and chemicals into the body.

Technically, we could survive living alone and isolated these days, but we were not meant to live in isolation… especially isolation due to “mobbing” or “scapegoating” by the tribe.

This is one of the reasons that scapegoated family members, suffer such severe mental and emotional trauma.

People with PTSD need to feel that they will still be accepted by the Tribe (family, community…whatever applies to the situation…).

They need to know that their personal reality will be validated, even though it may be very different from that of other people. The experiences someone with PTSD has endured may seem strange to people that have not ever had that kind of trauma in their reality.

Isolation can cause death by suicide or “failure to thrive.”

Self isolation will almost always cause severe depression. But being re-traumatized is just as bad, and the brain will try to lead people away from that pain.

Our primal brains are designed to take us away from danger, or perceived danger….and towards pleasure. But the “away from danger” is the priority.

Re-exeriencing the feelings of danger, fight or flight chemicals and physiological responses, is not something that anyone could tolerate on a regular basis.

We were not built to feel in danger all the time. Being in a state of hyper-arousal all the time depleats the immune system and causes mental disorders.

People with PTSD need understanding and validation.

They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs. 

Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people. 

 

It Was Just the Caress of the Breeze

breeze

image from Pinterest credit here

I felt the gentle caress of

your hand against my cheek

And then I realized

it was just the playful breeze…

I heard the familiar sound

of your voice in my head

But then I realized…

You were miles away and

I no longer had to

  listen to you lie

breeze 2

image from Pinerest credit here 

Untherapy – Compassionate Conversation and Holistic Treatment for Emotional Wounds

What is “untherapy”? Untherapy is what I am calling one of the types of life coaching that I do. It is basically compassionate two-way dialogue between the coach and the client, in order to provide validation and kindness, which the client is in desperate need of in their lives.

Although untherapy is absolutely not a replacement for treatment by a mental health professional, untherapy can provide a complement to traditional, clinical therapy.

While clinical therapists are licensed to delve into past trauma and use CBT to deal with those traumas, the life coaching practitioner is able to talk to the client about current issues and mental blocks that are inhibited them from moving forward with their lives.

We can often get into times where we feel like we are carrying a weight our shoulders and we just cannot get traction to move forward with our lives. While life coaches cannot diagnose any mental illness, we can help with issues like perfectionism and anxiety that are inhibiting you from doing things you need to do in life.

Life coaching can help you with things like feeling stuck, lack of motivational energy and lack of clarity due to brain fog from anxiety.

We are trained to guide the client to find the best path for them, by listening and identifying key issues that are creating problems for you. When you are in the midst of a dark reality tunnel, it can be very difficult to see clearly enough to be able to identify these things on your own.

Validation is an extrememly important need for people these days. Especially people who are carrying C-PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, need validation about their reality. Years of bad programming by care givers can cause disorientation,  low self esteem and lack of the ability to self generate feelings of self worth.

Life coaches are able to deal with self esteem, and self confidence issues, as they relate to present time situations.

So whereas therapists deal with the past situations which caused mental health problems, life coaches can offer compassionate conversation about your feelings and thoughts in the present time, in order to help you get some traction to move forward onto the path you want to create as you walk it.

I am calling my particular flavor of life coaching “untherapy” because I feel it is different, yet can be complementary, to traditional therapy.

I can speak with you in a less climical and more equal kind of way. The traditional therapist is trained to keep an emotional distance from the client wheras I am under no rules to keep emotionally distanced from you.

I am allowed to share any personal stories of mine that may help to validate and guide you. Life coaches are not restrcted to stay at arms length from the client and make you feel like a “sick” patient.

Just because someone has experienced a traumatic past does not mean there is something innately wrong with them.

There are just natural reactions of the brain to put up blocks, in order to protect you from further injury. These blocks sometimes served us in the past and are now inhibiting our ability to move forward and blossom.

The spiritual side of you is just as important as the mental and emotional sides.

Spiritual coaching is a branch of life coaching that deals with helping you find your inner spiritual voice, and to overcome any vibrational blocks to your spiritual healing of yourself. This is another option of untherapy. We will call it Spiritual Untherapy or Vibrational Untherapy.

I will be posting future posts about this new concept of coaching. I feel the word “coaching” sounds like something to do with sports, and that is why I wanted a different way of communicating the new compassionate based life coaching, by using the term untherapy.

I am interested to get comments on this post to see if I have fully explained this, in a way everyone can understand and relate to. I believe there is a distinct lack of compassion and validation for people that suffer from certain issues, such as C-PTSD and PTSD.

There are holistic methods to help with PTSD, that fall outside of traditional therapy. I can guide you through NLP imagery and hypnosis, for anxiety reduction and even physical pain management.

If you are interested in finding out more about my services, please visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com

I am thinking of doing some promotional “freebe” kinds of things coming  up at that web site, so please add your name to the emailing list, in order to be sent any new promotions that you may enjoy participating in.

Many blessings for peace and happiness,

Annie💕

Life Coaching for People with C-PTSD, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorders

I have cringed watching videos with Life Coaches who yell and are very aggressive with their clients. They are trying to shove them to where they “should be” and push them with covertly  shaming tactics to into their future.

I do understand that most life coaches are trained to be future -oriented with their clients. This is what they learned from their trainers and mentors. Maybe it even works for some people….but not for people with C-PTSD from a background of abuse or trauma.

I understand that it is not the job of the life coach to diagnose mental illness or to identify past trauma in their client….but you cannot minimize or ignore someone’s trauma either.

Many of these loud aggressive methods border on bullying the client. Someone who has already been mistreated by their family, manipulated, or has gone through some kind of trauma, cannot tolerate this kind of “help” from a life coach.

It will further traumatize the client. So if you are a life coach, make sure you do a proper intake assessment of your clients. If it is clear that your approach and methodologies are not a good “fit” for the person, then refer them to a different life coach…one who specializes in helping clients with C-PTSD or PTSD.

If you are looking for a life coach and you have C-PTSD, or PTSD, you need to interview the potential coaches and be sure you feel comfortable wit them, and that their methods will not re-traumatize or trigger your PTSD.F

Find someone who is sensitive to your needs and can be flexible with their techniques and methodologies, to individualize their sessions to benefit you…not re-traumatize you. 

If you are interested in life coaching which specialized in clients with PTSD, C-PTSD and mental illness, feel free to stop by my web site.

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

You can add your name to the mailing list for articles, discounts and special promotions.

 

Blessings.

Namaste,

Annie -gentlekindnesscoaching.com

 

Standing up to Your Pathological Narcissist?

Living with a pathological narcissist means being forced into giving up your own identity, dreams, rights, and opinions. They are always right, , and anything you do that seems like you are trying to be an equal, will be shut down.

It is difficult for people who have not lived under the heavy weight, of the dark shadow, of a pathological narcissist to understand.

People will tell you that all you have to do is stand up to them,  and assert your boundaries. But if you have lived with one of ….”the people that have no conscience” … then you know that the consequences that follow any attempt to assert your individuality, are met with severe punishment.

The malignant narcissist knows the weaknesses of their victim. If you love your children, they will threaten them, or turn them against you.

If you need your car to get to work, they will remove your car and refuse to return it until you submit. If you have friends, they will manipulate them, lie to them and ruin your relationships.

If you are seriously ill, they will tell people you are faking being sick to get out of seeing them. They will “accidentally” run into your employer and tell them you are pretending to be sick in order to get time off from work.

If you are struggling financially,  due to repeated undermining behaviors by the narcissist, they will tell others how much they have helped you financially,  and how ungrateful you are behaving to them.

If they humiliate you be spreading personal information they spied through your computer to discover, they will make it clear to you that they have more dirt on you. ….. Comply or suffer. 

They will convince you to quit your job and then shame you. They will offer for you to move in with them, saying they need you there, only to send out Christmas card letters telling everyone how much you are imposing on them.

When you attempt to get a job, or start a business, to make enough money to move out, they will undermine you at every turn. …steal your keys and take your car out for an oil change, when you need to get to work.

When you complain that they took your car when you needed to get to work, they will tell you that since they are now helping with the maintenance of the vehicle ( the one oil change that it did not need,  and you did not ask for) that the title to the car should actually be in their name… It’s only fair, right?

When you have a business appointment that you have to get to on time, they will block your car in with theirs, so you cannot get out.

When you ask them to move their car, they will demand all the information about your business, so that they can further undermine you.

When you get a pet for comfort, they steal the supplies you bought for it, and put them where you cannot reach them. Then they nail the cage to a table in their yard, so that you cannot take it.

If you purchase any property, like furniture, they will insist it was always theirs. If it becomes damaged they will demand that you pay for it.

If you live with a psychopathic narcissist, they will break your appliances and scream at you for breaking them. You will go without a shower or a stove….even when you rent (which is unreasonanly high) has always been paid on time to them.

When you tell them that these things are legally required to be working, they will tell you they have other projects to finish in the house first, such as new wall paper in their bedroom.

If you use their shower and the pipe behind the wall leaks, they will tell you the water damage was caused by you not knowing how to use the shower curtain. When you show them the floor next to the shower is dry, they ignore you and continue to explain how to properly pull the shower curtain closed, so that you do not damage their house again.

When you ask the plumber, right in front of the narcissist, if water from the shower curtain not being pulled tight could send water pouring through two floors of celings, he laughs and says no. When you remind the narcissist of this conversation the next time they tell you there was water damage due to your not pulling the shower curtain closed, they deny the plumber was ever there.

When the therapist tells you to bring the narcissist to therapy with you, because the therapist feels that everyone can live in harmony once the therapist teaches everone proper techniques for communication, DON’T DO IT!

The narcissist is not unaware of methods for communication. Their methods are intentional and not accidental.

Make no mistake. The narcissist is in full control of their communication methods.

They are able to behave during the idealization (honermoon) phase. They are not confused as to why everyone is not getting along… or about why all the relationships around them are in chaos.

They divide and conquer, with a Machiavellian philosophy.

The ends jusitifies the means.

They say one thing to you, and the opposite to someone else. They deny saying things, manipulating you, and threatening you.

They will never admit what they do, or what they say to you behind closed doors. They deny reality to discredit you, turn people against you, and to create chaos so that they can be on top.

They intentionally use techniques of brainwashing and creating a … “shared psychosis”…in order to  to scapegoat certain people. The family members  who seem to want to hold onto their identity, and will not let the narcissist make them bow down to their greatness.

The narcissist will retaliate against you when you try to shed light on the truth. Their secret identity is hidden under the mask, and they hate you for knowing who they really are.

They will stop at nothing to destroy you, financially, socially, and physically. Their tactics will cause deterioration of your physical and mental health.

Why don’t people simply just stand up to the narcissist they are living with and assert themselves?

Because often times  you have a better chance escaping them without severe damage, if you let them think they have control, while you are secretly filling your bank account and packing boxes that you hide in the closet.

The retaliation by a psychopathic narcissist is so severe it has driven many victims to suicide. Unless you have lived with them, you cannot imagine what they are capable of.

Highly Sensitive People and Empaths ; Dealing with the Dark Tunnel

Taras Loboda - (23) sad  woman

painting  by Taras Loboda 1961 Link to more of their paintings HERE

If you find yourself in the darkness….it is partially a solitary battle. Trying to get out of that tunnel backwards, by retreating will not work.

You are thrown into the middle of the dark tunnel, by your personal demons.

If someone has hurt or abused you then you are realizing that this has triggered your old wounds to open up and your sleeping demons to awaken. 

You have to sit with the darkness and interact with those fears, angers, grief or sadness demons. You need to let your inner child know that you are confronting those demons for them, because the child in incapable to battle them or defend against them.

If you try to run away from that tunnel, the demons will always follow you, because they refuse to be ingnored. Your inner child will continue to feel rejected and abandoned by you, because you are not integrating the demons.

If you experienced trauma at early ages, those demons are still haunting the child.

An incident of coming face to face with evil or darkness, will trigger the old fears, because they were never consoled and accepted.

You can sit with these feelings and let your inner child know that you accept them, love them, and will always protect them.

Once the child realizes it is not abandoned then the process of integrating the fractured child parts, and fractured memory pictures, can begin.

pinterest image

image from pinterest Link HERE

Each picture has a meaning attached to it. The meanings of things during childhood are programmed into you by others, who were concerned with their own agenda. You can change the meaning that your subconscious holds about these memories.

Take your time as you walk through the dark tunnel. You will get to the other side stronger and with greater ability to perceive truth.

Society, and people from your life, have dropped a veil in front of your eyes.

Any feelings you are carrying of shame, guilt, or obligation to violate your authentic self, are part of this veil.

There is more to see and perceive….and there are more possibilities that exist….and more possibities that you can create. People limit you by telling you what you cannot and should not do. 

The darkness does not have to be pushed aside, in order for you to survive it.

Painful emotions are guides, telling you not to go in a certain direction.

Your emotions are an alert system that is important for you to pay attention to.

Others are not living your life. They do not have any right to dictate how you feel about their behaviors and words. They do not have any right to program your mind with the meaning they want you to attach to things.

Your brain and your emotions are your own. You have a right to  feel how you feel, and to care about those feelings. Others who discount your feelings are not supporting you and those people are not good for you.

Highly sensitive people and empaths are criticized by the ones who want to dominate over and subjugate them.

They will tell you that you are “too sensitive” or that you are “over reacting.. “

They may even deny things they say and do, in order to gaslight you.

When you try to set boundaries with them, they tell you they never did what you are remembering them doing….or they just plain say that your needs are irrelevant. 

This is to create ficticious examples of how your “highly sensitive person” qualities are not valid. If these people can make you question your perception of reality, then they can manipulate how you feel about yourself.

Do not discount or minimize your feelings.

Experience them and integrate all parts of you into the whole. Others will attempt to fracture your parts, because this disables you from being powerful.

You have a great purpose and there are many possibilities all around you. Accept and love yourself for who you are.

Karina-Chernova-8 flowers maiden

Photography by Karina Chernova – see more of her work HERE

As you begin to integrate the light and the darkness of the old and new demons, you will begin to see how you belong in the world.

You have purpose and are part of all life. Your gifts are special and unique. .

Listen to those people that nourish your soul…rather than those people that seek to cripple your spirit. Find others who can validate your worthiness ….

Highly sensitive people and empaths are in the minority.

It is important for you to exist in an environment that supports you. Seek out those who value your gifts and accept you for who you are.

Blessings,

Annie

Note – If you are interested in life coaching for expanding and blossoming your unique gifts, or help finding your direction, please feel free to visit my web site and join the email list.

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

-overcoming narcissistic abuse

-recognizing gaslighting

-dealing with the “red pills” and truth being revealed to you

-hypnosis and NLP

-energy healing

-compassionate conversation and validation

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