The light from the cell phone
Only partially illuminates the room
All else is silent but the wind
And the sound of the tiny clicks
that sound out loud
each time a letter is typed
The writing keeps me thinking
The writing stops me from thinking too much
About the darkness
The writing keeps me feeling
The writing keeps me from feeling too much
Of the darkness
The resonating echo of the clicks
Filling the emptiness of the room
Makes me feel some safety …
Something to frighten
the darkness away
To ward it off
To block it’s path
To distract my mind
To pretend it cannot reach me
But it’s all around
I can feel it rising
From the floors of the bedroom
To the top of the mattress
But I just keep typing
To hear the clicking
Of the cell phone keys in the dark
Because it isn’t the darkness
From the lack of light
That frightens me the very most
But the other darkness that rises
And closes all around me
That no one thinks is there
And no one else can see
She used to stay up late at night to clean the house and have peace. She could move about the house and touch things late at night, in a way she was not able to during the day.
If she touched things during the day, she was bound to do it in a way that displeased him. If she displeased him, or if he felt disrespected by the tiniest thing, she would pay for it.
She felt terrified of him. He liked the house to be clean and neat, so she had to take care to be sure things were done to his liking. But truthfully, no matter how long she cleaned, or how much she tried, it was never right for him.
After cleaning until 4 am, she laid down on the couch, with the television on quietly, so as not to disturb him. He was asleep on the next floor up, in the queen size bed. She did not dare slide into the bed next to him.
At 7 am he would awaken her by swatting her repeatedly with something….usually his coat. She would awaken mid-swatting, and react with a normal startle reflex to being swatted while you sleep.
He would scold her and ask her how many times he told her not to jump like that when he woke her up. She was so stupid to keep forgetting how he hated it.
Then he would throw her purse on top of her and demand 3 dollars, so he could go down to the store and buy a tall boy. Beer was the only alcohol available for sale before 11 am. He would settle for that until the vodka could be purchased.
She knew better than to argue about needing the money for milk or bread. She still had bruises on her jaw, from doing that last week.
She handed him the money and he snatched it without saying anything more. But as he walked out the door, he grumbled something about her being fat and lazy for sleeping all day.
I still jump and cover my face by reflex, when someone startles me in my sleep.
I just finished giving a guitar lesson to my teenage niece. It is nice to spend time with her. I have been giving her lessons for a few months now, about every other week.
Before her father had asked me if I was interested in doing guitar lessons with her, I had not been doing much with guitar at all.
I used to play all the time. Depression has a way of making you lose interest in the things you once used to love to do. After back to back abusive situations with partners and family members, I lost my will to do anything that I liked to do.
Since I have started my life coaching business I have been feeling that life force coming back. Once people suck your will out of you, it takes time to be able to self generate that energy again.
It takes doing something that you are passionate about. Since I have been working with other abuse victim, I have felt a purpose in my life that means something special to me. So this is having the effect of generating some of that will power back again.
I still feel the weight of depression pressing down on me as I try to push it off. I am learning that you cannot push it off at all. It is more a matter of accepting without judgement of yourself.
Then allowing the feelings to come and sitting with them in a way that is nurturing. Showing yourself compassion when the people closest to you cannot show you any compassion is not easy. But you can do it once you learn that the perceptions others have about you do not have to frame your reality.
Anyway, I was thinking of putting new strings on my guitar so that it would sound better. The old strings have a very thumpy, dull sound. I know that I would be pleased to hear the sound of new strings and I would be more likely to play for enjoyment.
I might learn a new song or write one of my own. Baby steps are sometimes the way to make great changes in your perceptions. It is the change in perception that will create change in your behavior.
Perceptions control your emotions. Emotions are underneath of all behaviors. Once you can begin to change behaviors and have more control over getting some momentum, then you can begin to enjoy your path as you are creating it under your feet.
If you have PTSD , you might find that you are having physical reactions to the stress and you are sick more often. PTSD can cause a variety of problems that come from interference with the normal functioning of your immune system.
The DNA in the group with PTSD showed a significant increase of a gene that made them more vulnerable to multiple types of sicknesses. One particular gene, called the unmethylated gene, was more abundant in PTSD patients than in non-PTSD patients.
This increase proved to drastically impact a person’s life. Their immune systems ultimately were compromised. Rochelle Oliver – Psych Central . Article called Traumatic Experienced Weaken Immune System Gene
If you noticed that you became sick more often after going though traumatic ongoing abuse then it was not all in your head. Your immune system was compromised by the PTSD.
Personally I ended up in the hospital and / or the ER repeatedly after my abusive relationship. Soon after the relationship ended, within a couple of weeks, I got a severe intestinal infection and I was admitted to the hospital after spending 4 hours in the Emergency Room to stabilize my blood pressure, which had gone down to 69 over 42.
After that hospital stay I was week for a while and then got back on my feet again. In another few weeks I had a relapse of the intestinal infection which was treated with another round of Cipro antibiotics.
The a few weeks later I began to feel very ill. I was afraid the intestinal infection had come back. I was vomiting this time, which had not occurred before. I had a fever and sweating. I was very sick and by the time I dragged myself to the ER I could hardly walk.
They gave me a CT scan on the hospital and they determined that it was not an intestinal infection this time, but a severe kidney infection. The kidneys were filled with bacterial infection and if I had not gotten myself to the ER I could have died.
The doctors did not understand how someone my age could get two unrelated infections so close together. The infections were in different organs and both of them were severe and life threatening.
I suspected that my immune system might be crashing but I did not think the doctors would believe that PTSD was causing this, so I did not bother to say anything.
I decided to research this after I became better from the illnesses. It was a slow and painful road to healing.
We know that people with PTSD have higher rates of cardiovascular disease and arthritis, which are diseases associated chronic inflammation. Steve Tokar Article called “Men’s and Women’s Immune Systems Respond Differently to PTSD.“
Men who return from combat zones end up with PTSD and a variety of physical illnesses. Research has been done and is still being done about the reasons for immune system crashing after a person experiences trauma.
“This is the first time that it’s been shown that men and women respond differently to PTSD on a very basic biological level.” Lynn Pulliam, MS, PhD, chief of microbiology at SFVAMC and professor at UCSF.
People with PTSD are more likely to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases. There is too much stress on the heart and on the entire biological state of the body.
“…research explains why people with PTSD have always been more susceptible to diabetes and cardiovascular disease, among many other disorders.” Rochelle Oliver – Psych Central
They also have an inflammatory response which causes an increased risk of early onset severe arthritis, which can eventually become debilitating. Arthritis is a painful condition which is caused by inflammation and eventual deterioration of the joints.
The brain of someone with PTSD has biological changes in the neural pathways and the way the sympathetic nervous system handles stress.
The normal functioning of the system is damaged due to the “fight or flight mode” being activated for too long. During a situation of threat and perceived danger, the sympathetic nervous system does its job to try to alert you.
THE AMYGDALA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ACTIVATING THE ALERT SYSTEM DURING A THREATENING SITUATION. IT IS NOR DESIGNED TO BE TURNED ON FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME.
“In individuals with PTSD, the HPA axis response is dysregulated. Individuals with PTSD have low circulating levels of cortisol.
In one study of motor vehicle accident victims, low cortisol levels immediately after the accident were associated with the development of PTSD and high cortisol levels were associated with the development of depression.” Medscape article Gender Differences in PTSD
PTSD is a very real mental disorder and it can cause the sufferers to have a much lower quality of life.
It affects all aspects of a person’s life including social life, family life, work life and romantic life. PTSD can interfere with a person’s ability to perform basic daily tasks and even to take care of their personal grooming and other needs.
PTSD is painful and frightening. The memories of the event linger and victims often have vividflashbacks. Frightened and traumatized, they are almost always on edge and the slightest of cues sends them hurtling back inside their protective shells.
Usually victims try to avoid people, objects, and situations that remind them of their hurtful experiences; this behavior is debilitating and prevents them from living their lives meaningfully. by Viatcheslav Wlassoff, PhD – Brain Blogger.com
PTSD CAN GREATLY LOWER THE QUALITY OF LIFE THAT THEY PERSON IS ABLE TO HAVE.
The reality that the immune system becomes compromised adds to the problems. The combination of mental illness and physical illnesses can cause the sufferer to lose all hope and feel that their life is worthless.
More research is being done about PTSD, and hopefully there will be more information about this disorder. If you suffer from PTSD, know that you are not alone and there is hope.
The best thing is to find someone to talk to about your feelings, who has a frame of reference to understand what you are going through.
Since PTSD is invisible, it is often difficult for people who have not experienced any kind of mental illness, to understand it.
YOU ARE A VALUABLE PERSON WHO HAS BEEN AFFLICTED WITH THIS DISORDER.
It is not through any fault of your own. It is easy to lose hope and to feel like self isolating. Being alone all the time can cause more problems with loneliness and depression.
If someone is triggering to your PTSD then try not to spend much time with them. In the mean time reach out and find a few people that you can talk to that validate your experiences and feelings. There is no reason to suffer alone.
If you cannot find anyone to communicate with, there are many people in the blogging world and support groups on the internet where you can find some support and relief.
Blessings for peace of mind.
Visit my YouTube Channel for videos about healing from narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, narcissism, and psychological abuse and overcoming abuse.
You are not alone. Living with a narcissist can make you feel like you are crazy. Mental abuse can cause psychological, emotional, cognitive, functional, and physical symptoms.
The mind and the body are connected.
Abuse is all encompassing.
It takes time to heal and people that have not lived thought this kind of abuse will have trouble understanding. They will not understand why it is taking you so long to just get over it.
Connect with other people who have been through this. Validation is key to healing from abuse. Mental abuse can have effects that are just as devastating as physical abuse.
Living in an abusive relationships can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD , avoidant personality, derealization disorder, and in some cases suicidal thoughts.
Learn how to identify abusive personalities and avoid abuse in the future.
Discover techniques for resisting attempts to emotionally manipulate you.
For a one-on-one coaching visit gentlekindnesscoaching.com
Just because someone has momentarily stopped tormenting, bullying and abusing you does not mean they are being kind.
It can be easy to confuse the lack of cruelty with kindness. You may even project intentions into someone’s actions, assuming they have changed and now intend to be good to you.
How many times have they “changed” for the better? How many cycles have you lived through?
Don’t deceive yourself about what comes next or think it will be different this time. Selfish, self centered people will repeat the same patterns.
In fact, many abusive, narcissistic people know that a reprieve from the abuse on you will make you suffer more the next time. The act of starting and stopping their bullying tactics is all part of the same cycle.
Your nervous system is more severely interfered with when the abuse starts and stops. It creates a false sense of hope which causes you to be crushed with disappointment, disillusionmant and causes mental instability.
The starting and stopping cycle causes PTSD and other kinds of anxiety disorders. The brain’s system of fight or flight does not know when to turn off because the threat is unpredictable and imminent.