#domestic abuse, #narcissism, abuse, Abusive relationship, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, emotional healing, emotional maniulation, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental illness

Is Your Partner Abusive?

abusive man

image from the back of a pamphlet displayed on facebook

Please know that the behaviors on this list are not normal. If your partner is displaying any combination of these behaviors you need to get out. It is not always easy, but you can get advice and help from local sources like a women’s shelter. your primary care doctor, social services organizations and your police. 

Abusers become more abusive with time. The abuse always escalates. Be safe and leave in a way that does not anger them. Do not confront them. Remove important documents from your home and keep them in a safe place, along with other necessities. You can leave them at a house of someone you trust. 

Take every safety precaution that the women’s shelter tells you to. You do not have to stay with an abuser. You do not deserve the abuse. It is a lie they tell you, to make you put up with it.

Visit my web site for more information and healing methods – gentlekindnesscoaching.com  

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#domestic abuse, #narcissism, #narcissistic personality disorder, abusive relationships, avoiding predators, bullies, mental illness

The Problem with Warning Victims of Psychopaths and Narcissists

Just because we point out the hole someone is about to fall into, does not mean we are being cruel to the person who dug the hole.

We are just trying to keep the person from falling in, because we recognize the hunter who is patiently watching them.

When the prey sees the hunter through the rose colored glasses he gave them, they think we are demonizing the hunter. But we are more concerned with watching our friend fall into the nasty, jagged pothole that is just a few more inches from their toes.

abusive relationships, emotional trauma, how to spot a liar, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

How to Spot a Liar

This is a really great lecture by David Snyder about how to tell if someone is lying. There is all kinds of information in this video that you will learn and most likely see for the first time. 

David Snyder is an excellent teacher. He has a background in NLP, psychology, hypnosis, energy healing, martial arts, acupuncture and other related subjects. He is fun to watch and listen to.

He mentions the tv series  Lie to Me, which I ended up watching because of him. This tv series is really excellent and I recommend you checking it out. 

I learned things from this video and others by David Snyder that I never knew including the “triune brain theory” This is about the three brains that we have and how they interact with each other. I will have an upcoming post about the three brain theory that I am currently working on.

Check out this lesson by David Snyder. I think you will really enjoy it and you will be able to see some things in a new way.

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, red flags of abuse

Abusive Relationships…Which Red Flag is the Most Important One?

rights

addiction, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, emotional healing, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Keeping Sane After an Abusive Relationship

love is calm

This is an important one. Love is calm and understanding. There is no reason for someone who really loves you to rage at you. There is no reason for them to give you communication that is confusing  or hurtful.

Saying cruel words to someone, in order to make them feel bad, so that they can be manipulated, is not love. Having battles of who is better at what, who is right, who is in charge…none of this is love.

We love our friends and we support them. We may point something out for their own good, if they are heading down a dangerous road. That is our job as a friend.

If someone reacts to this kindness of your offering a different perspective about them and their situation, in a violent angry manner…this is not love either.

If your partner is telling you his opinions about something and then gets angry or calls you stupid when you offer your opinion..this is not love. Someone should value your intelligence and respect your right to have an opinion. They should also appreciate when you offer words of guidance that are given with care and not judgement.

When someone seems to have one set of rules for themselves and a different set for you and other people….this is a Red Flag of an abuser.

If they can come home whenever they wish and not call you to let you know they are running late…but you get raged at for not checking in every hour with them….this is abuse.

Narcissistic abuse becomes like a two person cult. They control you and they manipulate your perception of reality. The aftermath of this cult like abuse, is severe. It takes a long time to begin to regain your perspective of reality, your self esteem and your confidence to move forward.

If you are in the aftermath stage of an abusive relationship here are a few things I have learned that I offer in kindness and no judgement.

1. Do not do anything RASH. Major life decisions should be left until you are more mentally stable. The abuse caused you to develop some mental illness which needs to be tended to. Making major life decisions life moving to another state or getting engaged or married to someone else during this period are ill advised. Wait several months first.

2. Pay particular attention to your health, even when you do not feel like. Make eating, exercising and keeping a proper sleep routine like a prescription. Do it as if a dr, prescribed it for you. Be consistent as much as possible. Eat out of all four food groups, even if it is small portions because you have no appetite.

Your immune system can easily crash from the stress that your brain is putting on your body. Be your own parent and tell yourself when and what to eat, take your vitamins and get rest.

3. Try not to isolate for too long. At the very beginning you may have to isolate because the damage is so severe that you cannot interact with anyone. During that period, at least interact with other abuse survivors on line.

After a few weeks, you need to get out of the house. Staying in the cave will add to your feelings of devastation. Get out to places where you can interact with some people. It does not have to a bar. In fact , the bar is ill advised.

Go places where you like the activity. Comic book shop, bowling, swimming, library, book store, cafe…and say hi to people and have some conversation. It will help you to begin to  adapt back into the regular world, that is not like the cult you were in.

4. Learn. Read, watch youtube videos and talk to survivors about narcissistic abuse and how to heal. The more you learn, the better you can put things into perspective.

5. NLP training. Learn about NLP. You can use some of the techniques on yourself, but it is even better if you get a life coach or a therapist trained in narcissistic victim abuse syndrome. I will write some posts about NLP and you can learn more about it in the next couple of weeks. I am studying to be an NLP practitioner at this time.

6. Self love. You must begin to love yourself again. Take care of yourself like you are your own parent, life coach, therapist, friend etc.

7. Seek help when needed. You may get a few weeks of therapy or life coaching and then you are fine for a month or two. Suddenly you can relapse or crash back into a depression or severe anxiety. You may think. well I already got help. No, if you need help again then you need help again. There is no shame in needing help.

8. Be careful about who helps you. No one who has not been victimized by a narcissist or a psychopath can really understand. Anyone who you confide in should have been through it and has time to recover their sanity. People who do not understand narcissistic abuse will re-traumatize you by telling you that you are exaggerating, paranoid or lying about the abuse. People just cannot understand this experience if they have not been through it. You will sound really crazy to them and the abuse is invisible so they will not see what your problem is.

9. No Contact

no contact

10. Learn to set boundaries

boundaries

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, emotional trauma, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist

Narcissistic Abuse – The Illusion and False Reality

Inherent to being in any type of abusive relationship, is the illusion. The illusion is the false reality which the abuser feeds to the victim. The victim accepts this reality for a few reasons, mainly in an attempt to protect their own sanity.

The reality was fed to the victim through the use of brainwashing tactics.  At first the controlling party gave the subordinate the feeling that they had control and that they were making their own choices. The abuser gave them a false sense of confidence and safety in the relationship.

This false confidence came in the form of praise and the appearance of concern for the victim. The abuser put the victim on a pedestal and made them feel that they were needed. The abuser may have acted as though they were actually the one that was in the position of submission to the victim.

The abuser sets up the victim by making them feel powerful in the relationship. The abuser listens to the feelings and the thoughts of the victim to make them feel like they are cared about.  The victim is told that they are the best thing that has ever happened to their partner and that they are special and treasured.

The victim loves this attention and readily believes the lies of the abuser. This is the phase where the abuser is setting up their victim for a big crashing fall later on. This is the idealization phase.

So, the victim is living in a world of illusion which is carefully constructed by the narcissist. They learn what the victim wants in a partner and they become the perfect partner for them. It is almost like a dream.

My father once said to me, “If it seems too good to be true…it probably is.” These are words of wisdom. No one is perfect. There cannot be a person that has every single thing we are looking for and that agrees with us about everything. This is a red flag.

Over time, the abuser seems to change their personality,  and their feelings for the victim turn from admiration to contempt. This is the devaluation phase. 

Rather than being praised for their qualities and skills, the victim is now nit-picked and criticized for the very same things that the abuser once claimed to admire. 

This is very confusing to the victim who thought that their partner loved these qualities about them. They may have originally been praised for being compassionate and now the abuser complains that they are spending too much time caring for people and not paying enough attention to them.

The abuser may have originally praised the victim for being independent and strong and not suddenly the abuser despised the independence of the victim. They tell them that they should be checking with them before they make decisions or plans.

They are now being told to be more dependent on the abuser, and that their independence and strength are damaging the relationship. When the victim does something on their own, they are made to feel that they have disrespected the abuser. 

Things that the abuse once admired, like the personality of the victim, are now being criticized.  The dreams and goals of the victim were originally admired and praised by the abuser.  The abuser does not want the victim spending time on these things. They want all of the victim energy and time for themselves.

Why does the victim still stay with the abuser, even when their independence and self esteem are being stripped away? 

The victim still believes the early lies of the abuser. They believe that they are special to the abuser and that they are needed. They are also fed lies about their own ability to make decisions. Little by little the victim is stripped of their self confidence to make their own decisions.

The abuser leads them to believe that in order to protect them from other people. the abuser must be in control of all of the decisions. They often convince the victim that they are mentally ill or somehow naive about dealing with other people. 

Over time the victim loses their independence and hands it over to the abuser. They spend less and less time on their own goals and dreams, and instead make the wants and needs of the abuser their own. The thoughts that the victim would normally think are replaced by the thoughts that the abuser wants them to think.

The decreased ability to think for yourself and to trust your own perceptions, makes it difficult to asses of you are really being abused. You may suspect that you are being abused, but then you do not trust your own judgement anymore. The abuser has deliberately shaken your trust in your own perceptions of reality.

The victim, who once felt needed by the abuser, is now feeling that they need the abuser in order to survive. They allow the abuser to make decisions for them, that they once would have made for themselves. These decisions can be job decisions, choices about dress and make-up, choices of friends and who and when to spend to spend time with.

It is difficult at this point to get someone out of the relationship, or to show them that they are being abused. They have already been convinced that the abuser is the only one that they can listen to. The abuser had convinced them that they should not trust their friends and family because all of these people are just out to damage the relationship or they are out to harm the victim.

This is isolation. The abuser isolates the victim little by little from the people that care about them. They cause them to fear that these people are untrustworthy. If the victim still wants to interact with family and friends, then the abuser will pose a threat. The victim will fear retaliation of the abuser, if they have interaction with people that is not permitted by the abuser.

The more isolated the victim becomes, the more control the abuser has. They are now the only person feeding reality to the victim. The reality that they are being fed, is the only reality they know. It is an illusion that is not being countered by anyone else’s reality.

In order for the victim to be able to leave, they would have to give up their false reality. This is painful and earth shattering. To understand that the reality that you believe to be true has been a lie all along, is like a bomb going off in your brain. It means that the entire time you have spent with the person has been false. This is shattering to the very core of your being.

They still want to believe that the abuser truly loves them. If they can just make the abuser happy, by being a better partner, then the love that was shown them in the beginning of the relationship will come back. The victim clings to the original dream and lies of the beginning of the relationship.

It is a terrible thing to have know that someone that you loved, lied to you from the very first day of the relationship. To know that all the intimate conversations and heartfelt interactions were false, is mentally tormenting. This is why victims will choose to live in the reality that is false.

As the abuse becomes worse, the victim may realize that something is wrong. But they are blamed by the abuser for everything. Any behavior of the abuser is the fault of the victim. This is the reality that the victim knows.

In order for the victim to want to escape, they have to come to realize that the abuser has been deceiving them. They have to come to realize that the abuser does not love them and that they never loved them.  If there is any hope of getting that “perfect partner” back again, then they will stay and keep trying to please the abuser.

This is the reason that the damage to the victim of narcissistic abuse is so severe. Their entire reality has been a lie. The love was a lie. They have to realize that they poured out their heart and soul to someone who was just pretending to care. They told intimate secrets and shared their dreams with a complete stranger.

They never knew who the abuser was inside. They never knew what they were thinking. All the times that they felt loved, they were just being toyed with. Their love was taken from them like emotional rape. It was under genuine interaction.

Healing from this type of abuse involves many levels of healing. The victims are traumatized at their very core and their entire reality is now in question. The ability to trust their own perceptions is now in doubt. Their ability to trust their feelings about other people has been damaged.

They doubt their own ability to perceive reality. They have, in fact, been driven crazy be the abuser. They have a mental dysfunction about being able to tell reality from non reality. They are frightened and question their own ability to ever be sane again.

How could you believe a reality which never existed for such an extended period of time, and then just shake it off? How can you begin to trust your own personal judgement about people again? How can you ever know if love exists, or if people are just monsters that want to steal your affection and turn it against you?

It takes a long time to heal. It is a process of regaining a perspective on reality again. It is a process of learning to read the red flags of an abuser. You have to learn the tactics of a narcissist and learn how to protect yourself.

You then have to slowly begin to trust yourself again about trusting other people. It take time, learning, support and personal soul searching.

It can be healed. People can recover from narcissistic abuse, but the damage is very deep in the core of the person’s soul. There is a dark reality which settles over them, before the healing process can begin. The sooner the dark reality begins to life the better.

The world feels like a place of evil and everyone is a potential enemy. It takes time to realize that everyone is not cruel and that there are caring people in the world. It takes even more time before the victim will trust themselves to be able to tell the difference between genuine people and lying predators.

If you are friends with a victim of narcissistic abuse, give them time to come out of it. Be there for them when they want to talk, but do not think that you can fully understand the pain of having your entire reality shattered. Just be there for them. They will come to you in their own time.

If you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, then you will not find people that truly understand the damage to your reality base, unless they have been broken by a narcissist themselves. Your friends can be supportive and you should reach out to them.

But also try to talk to people who have been victims of narcissistic abuse themselves. You need people to validate that sick feeling inside of you about having had to realize that you were living in a reality that did not exist. It is really damaging to your sense of safety in the world.

Eventually you can learn to tell red flags of a narcissist when they are in front of you. You will be prepared for the next one who tries to get in. You will not let any abusive person back in again, of you study and learn. This is your way of protecting yourself. 

Do not rush into another relationship, in order to escape the pain. During the healing process, you are vulnerable to another attack. Please be strong and trust that you are okay on your own. Gather support from friends and other victims of narcissistic abuse. 

Become strong and independent again, before looking for a new partner. Once you can stand on your own two feet. and have learned all the lessons, then you can know how identify genuine communication as opposed to manipulative behaviors.

Blessings to you on your healing,

Annie

domestic abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissist

Fictitious Tales of the Passive Aggressive Ex Girlfriend…

Random Thoughts about what might Happen to a narcissistic guy, who thought his girlfriend’s passive aggressive tendencies were cute useful while he was dating using her.

*disclaimer.. This is historical fiction…Not to be taken as suggestions…

**disclaimer 2 …if you do not have a passive aggressive bone in  your body, do not read…it will not be funny…

Other random safety notes...Also, please remove your frozen pizza from the box, prior to placing in the oven. Do not use your curling iron while sleeping. Soup may be very hot when removing glass bowl from microwave. And McDonald’s Coffee should not placed in between your legs while driving…

Enough stupid disclaimers, although I love to read safety instructions when I buy new appliances! On with the post…

An angry ex girlfriend, who has passive aggressive tendencies might…

6. Mail his new girlfriend an ad for Viagra with a note that says, “Good Luck!”

5. Take his mom out to lunch. Tell her the new girlfriend is a real family gal. She just loves family popping by unexpectedly.

4. Remind Mom that her son still can’t do his own laundry. Poor thing! And the new girlfriend needs some pointers on how and when to do his laundry for him.

3. Tell Mom that you really like the new girlfriend and you want to be the bigger person. Tell her to let the new girlfriend know that she can “tag along” with us, the next time we have lunch. Just us three girls !

2. Make sure she asks her in front of your ex.

1. Helpful Hints for the New Girlfriend…Send the new girfriend a list of things that your ex will EXPECT her to do for him. Including…

  • pack his lunch
  • answer his text messages immediately
  • but wait patiently for 5 or 6 hours for any response from him
  • never ask why he did not respond to your text
  • accept the blame for every misunderstanding
  • apologize when you do not live up to his requirements
  • never ask him for an apology. He will say “I am always apologizing to you!”  (however you will never hear one apology EVER)
  • always apologize profusely for not answering his text or voicemail, fast enough
  • let him choose all of the restaurants
  • let him decide if, when and where you go out on a date
  • give him business advice
  • do his accounting 
  • wash his socks
  • be his morning, wake up service  (even if it means you have to wake up 3 hours early just to call him)
  • stay up until 3am, the night before the wake-up service (to do secretarial work for his business)
  • go on 5 hours a sleep a night, when he is in a crisis
  • neglect your own career and job, to help him with his
  • make his doctor appointments for him
  • make sure you have other plans for your birthday, because he will be working
  • call back and change the doctor appointments (when he schedules a business meeting for the same time he told you to schedule the appt for)
  • call back and change his dr. appt. back to the original time (when he changes his business meeting on a whim)
  •  be prepared to request off  from your job, for his birthday
  • always be respectful to him in public, but understand that he has to act the way he wants to, even if it embarrasses you
  • sit in the car crying, after an argument, while he goes into the diner to eat lunch