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Humanity needed in the world of humans

Soft sweet touches

An understanding ear to hear

Laughter bursting from the small bodies of children

Old hands carefully baking bread for a neighbor in need

Or crafting a blanket with yarn for a stranger in the hospital

A nurse’s reassurance to a frightened patient

Looking at them with the self confidence of the profession; but adding something personal in their glance

A worker willing to go outside the usual procedures  and protocol…in the name of  helping someone who is in danger of foreclosure on their family home

Too many medical bills and not enough time…

Time spent working to take care of loved ones has to be balanced against the need to just be with them

Sitting next to a stranger and matching their body language… their hopeless slouch on the bench…

just to let them know someone sees them…and they are not forgotten

…they are not invisible

Humanity enough to pay the extra 2 dollars for the pizza at the Mom and Pop shop; to drive the extra mile to get there

Rather than paying the “fast-food- dictators” their tithe;  the Mama Rosina Pizza places need to be there…on the Main Streets

What happens when no one cares anymore about the “little” people; will they truly become little people after all?

And the smallest gestures of holding doors for a mother carrying a child and helping the elderly woman cross the street safely…

What will becomevof these small acts of random kindness ? What shall we say to those …who call us foolish for wasting our time…

On people of no consequence?

Who has the right to determine who is more or less significant?

And what does this say about mankind…

If we are just too busy spending time making money…and nothing more?

Isn’t there something further? Isn’t there something more?

 

 

Choose Your Relationships with Wisdom ; Friendships and Partner Relationships

True friends will show you their love by being supportive and allowing you to follow your own path. They will listen to you without judgement when you talk to them. They will respect you as a person and not say things that lower your self esteem.

You can tell if you have a great friend by how you feel when you are with them. You should feel comfortable when you are with them and they should not do or say things to make you feel bad about yourself or to make you doubt yourself.

 Your self esteem should go up when you are with them and never down.

Rather than viewing your friendship by only  looking at things that your friend does, it is more important to think about how you feel. Even if someone does nice things for you but you still feel your self esteem lower when you are with them, then they may not be a good friend for you.

A friend is someone who you spend time with and while you are interacting with them, you feel good about yourself. In turn they should feel good about themselves when they are interacting with you.

There are certain combinations of people that are better together than others. No matter what, a good friend is someone who pulls you up mentally and emotionally. You can be yourself without fear of judgement. They want for you to be able to be yourself.

The same goes for intimate partner relationships.

No one can tell you that they are a good partner for you.  They cannot decide for you that they are good to you.  Only you know whether you feel good when you are interacting with someone. You always know yourself better than anyone else does. 

There are certain kinds of manipulative people that will tell you that they are good to you because they did this or that fav or for you. They will try to convince you that they are a good person for you and that you should appreciate them. 

Someone telling you that they are good to you does not mean that it is true.

Some people just decide what they think you want and need. Other people intentionally try to control and manipulate you. A real friend will ask you and pay attention to what you need, what you like and what how you feel.

If you are in a relationship and you are not sure if it is good for you, one way to evaluate the relationship is to pay attention to how you feel mentally and emotionally. Here are a few situations to think about.

In order for this to help you, it has to be done in a way that is honest with yourself. Think about it objectively like a science experiment and you are having to gather data. What are the actual emotional feelings and also feelings in the body.

  1. When the person tells you that they are on their way over to your house, do you feel anxious and upset? Do you feel relaxed or excited? Are you looking forward to this visit or are you secretly hoping they will not come?
  2. When you hear the text message sound on your phone, how do you feel i your body? Tune in to your body and think about the sensations that occur. Do you get butterflies in a good way? Do you get twisted knots in your stomach?
  3. What words are said in your head when you hear the text sound? Do you say “Oh no” or do you rush to the phone thinking “I hope I can talk to them”
  4. How do you feel when you hear their car pull up in the driveway? Does your body react in a way that feels uncomfortable? Do you get a rush of dopamine and feel good?
  5. How do you feel when your partner is in the house with you? How does this compare to how you feel when they are not there? Do you feel anxious or nervous when they are in the house? Do you feel safer and comfortable when they are in the house?
  6. How do you feel when you hear your partner coming closer to the room you are in? What is the first thought that goes through your head when you hear your partner? 
  7. When you have to make a decision about something that you will have to relay to your partner, how do you feel? Does the thought of having to tell them you made a decision make you worry about how they will react? Do you feel that they will respect your decision and you ability to make decisions? Do you have fear or anxiety about what they will say?
  8. How comfortable do you feel sleeping when they are in the house? Do you feel safe to be vulnerable and sleep?
  9. If you accomplish something like getting a promotion, how do you feel when you think about telling your partner? Are you looking forward to telling them? Are you nervous about telling them?
  10. How do you feel when you make a mistake about something they wanted you to do? If you cannot make them the dinner they requested because you forgot one ingredient at the store, are you afraid of how they will react?

The above list are some of the questions that can help you to get a more objective perspective about the relationship. You can think of some of your own to add, if you like.

No one should ever be afraid of their partner, friend or family member. You should not always have anxiety and nervousness around them. If you are afraid to be near someone then it should be a red flag. This includes being afraid of feeling embarrassed or criticized or being made to feel bad in any way.

You should not feel like spending time with them is taxing, draining or lowers your self esteem. You should be able to maintain feelings of self worth when you are around them. 

The relationships should have balance.

You should not spend more time thinking about how to please someone than you spend thinking about yourself. They should not always be focused on what they need and neglect your needs. 

Discussing any problems in the relationship should allowed and not make you feel afraid of any punishment, including emotional punishment.

 What I mean by that is that you should not feel that you cannot express your feelings about the relationship to them. If there is a problem you should be able to speak about it without the fear of angering them or the fear of them leaving or threatening to leave you.

Friendships and partner relationships should be positive and have the effect of building up your identity. You should not be losing your identity or feel like it is being taken over by someone.

You should not feel overshadowed or dominated by a friend, a partner or a family member. 

Each person should have a separate identity and an equally important role in the relationship that is valued and appreciated. You need to spend time with people who allow you to be the best You that you can be.

Healthy Relationships Support Your Mental Emotional Health

The art of unconditional love seems to be becoming a rare commodity. This is unfortunate,  because we need to live in an environment that supports our emotional health.

Nurturing relationships are important for our mental well being and our overall health. We need people to confide in and to be able to count on to be there for us.

Not only do many people never experience what it would feel like for someone to treat them with unconditional love, some people have never experienced it at all.

I would even go as far to say that some people do not know what a relationship of unconditional love would look or feel like. People that grew up without unconditional love often do not know how to find it as an adult.

This society has become one based on “dealing out” affection, appreciation and love as if it were a commodity.

There are different types of love in different kinds of relationships to each other.

Friendship love is different from romantic love. Love of a mentor is different from love for an elderly neighbor that has been like a grandmother to you have known for years.

Unconditional love should ideally be two sided. One sided unconditional love can become a situation of manipulation and abuse. There are plenty of examples of one-sided unconditional love relationships.

These  one-sided unconditional love relationships often involve one selfless person who understands this concept and another person who takes advantage of it. Relationahips like these are likely to end up being exploitative and abusive.

Healthy relationships should support you, rather than pull you down.  Unconditional love is when two people choose to love and care about each other.

That love is not contingient on the person being perfect. It is based on loving someone for who they are as a person.

Withholding of love and affection is not used as a weapon. Love is not handed out based on someone acting like the person you want them to be. It is not withheld as a tool to manipulate them into compliance.

I am not referring to feeling closer to someone when they are being closer to you. I am not discouraging giving someone approval when they are loving to you.

A relationship of mutual unconditional love is a choice to try to be patient. It is not jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst about someone.

It is giving someone a chance to communicate with you in a non-judgemental atmosphere of kindness.

Relationahips where both people choose daily treat the other person with value and respect can be rewarding and foster an atmosphere of calmness, trust and safety. These are relationahips where both people can grow and live in a mentally and emotionally supportive environment.

Our society seems to be getting more and more competitive and it is becoming more focused on individual achievement than on relationships.

There is generally more value placed on external representations of worldly success than there is value for interpersonal hhumanity and kindness.

Predators who seek out and target victims for exploitation, in a variety of ways, are becoming more skilled. There are even blogs and web sites that are designed to instruct people how to be more narcissistic.

These blogs I have come across teach that the Machiavellian philosphy of “the ends justifies the means”  and they condone man’s inhumanity to man.

As a sensitive or empathic person it is difficult to avoid becoming victimized by people with little or no empathy. Once people are victimized or severely emotionally (or otherwise)  injured, they often retreat into a safety zone of distrusting others.

Even one or two relationships in your life that are based on unconditional love and kindness, would add great value and comfort to your life. There are still people who have the ability to offer this to you.

The people that still understand the value of relationships are also sometimes the ones who are most easily injured by the people who see no value in trusting relationships. Other people have become bitter and no longer believe anyone is worth bothering with.

Finding these golden few caring relationships in your life isdifficult. Lessons are often learned in painful, sometimes devastating ways.

Learning about abusive personalities and how to deal with manipulative people has now become a survival skill. It is necessary to know the red flags of an abusive person and to be able to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship early on.

In order to find healthy friendships and partner relationships we must learn how to set healthy boundaries. In turn we have to respect the boundaries of others.

Wasting our time on relationahips that do not nurture and support us is time we could be spending with someone much better for us.

Even interactions with family members who deplete our energy, and lower our self esteem, should be minimized.

Life is too short and you are to valueable to settle for unfullfilling relationahips. Material things do not make up for meaningful relationships.

Value yourself and believe that there are people who would value you for the person who you are inside. You are worth it and your quality of life matters.

Seek Compassion from People Who Have Empathy for You

compassion

Take a Step Forward

Sometimes when we take a step forward, even when we are uncertain where it will take us, new doors will open up in front of us.

Lovers

Some people EXPECT,

they feel entitled to what they want

Their lovers are dolls,

Their friends are their puppets

Other people can love and

drink in your fullness,

without even emptying your glass

They pour you good wine,

and cherish the time

that they are given by you

from your heart

Mark my words my sweet darling

beware of the few

who appear to be what they are not

For they will pour you fine wine

while they drink you half blind

and you won’t miss your soul

till it’s gone

They sing a sweet song

to lure you along

and then drag you until you’re destroyed

The ones who say one thing

and then do some other thing

are the ones that you have to avoid

So keep your eyes open

and never forget what you’re worth

dear child

because you are unique

Watch what they do

and find one that’s true

to the face that they put on

for you

Teenager Teen Relationships, Dating and Choosing a Partner Wisely

When you are a teenager, or a preteen, you are learning about yourself and also learning about what kinds of people you like to be around. You are hopefully living a happy, healthy life, but I realize that many of you are not living a homelife that is mentally healthy.

Some of you have supportive parents and others of you have abusive parents. Whether they abuse is physical, sexual or mental / emotional , any kind of  abuse will affect your judgement about selecting friends and boyfriends / girlfriends.

You have to know who you are. You are on a path of self discovery. As you learn about yourself, you also need to believe in yourself.

You are still developing your self esteem and your value system. You are still developing your personality and how you present yourself to the world. You are learning how to interact, how to attract others and what to do with them, once you attract them.

Here are some important things for you to remember, when you are dating.

1. You matter ! Your feelings and your thoughts matter.

2. Trust your feelings and your intuition. If you feel like something is wrong with w certain person, or a certain relationship, then listen to that intuition. It is there as an alert system for you.

3. Do not let others choose for you. People think they know who you are and who would be a good match for you, but they do not. You know what you want and need. NO one else can pick someone for you.

4. Do not choose someone, in accordance with  what the social group wants you to do. Not only will individual people want to “set you up” , but the social group itself may have rules about who you can and cannot date.  Be careful to think for yourself and not to let others think for you.

5. If you do not like being with someone, you never will. Do not try to force yourself to like a guy that you do not like, just so that you can have a boyfriend / or girlfriend. You are better on your own than with someone who you just do not like.  Do not think that you can Make yourself like them, by hanging out with them.

6. Relationships Should be Balanced. There should be give and take in relationships. It should not be one-sided, where one person gets their way all the time. One person should not be dominating over the other person.

7. No Abuse!  The No Abuse Rule Cannot be Broken. No one can abuse you for any reason that makes it okay. Abuse includes being physically rough with you. This includes talking you into sex that you do not feel comfortable with. 

Abuse is also any emotional or mental torment. If anyone is manipulative with you, by making you feel bad (guilty, shame, sad, scared) then that is abuse.

Abuse can be mental abuse, which could be trying to make you into someone you are not. Making you feel stupid, making you feel embarrassed in front of other people. Being nicer to your friends than to you. There are many mentally and emotionally abuse behaviors and you can read about them in some of my other posts.

8. Your Parents Can Not Choose for you.  Your parents may thing they know someone who would be a good match for you. Most guys will act a certain way in front of your parents, that does not allow your parents to see everything about them. There is not enough information that your parents can get from any girl or boy that you like, in order to know how they will treat you.

PLEASE NOTE – If you have good parents that are not abusive, they will be looking out for you. I did say that they cannot choose someone for you, however they can WARN YOU if someone seems to be abusive or a very bad match for you. When you have feelings for someone, it is easy to miss red flags, but your parents may pick up on them.

9. Communication is Very Important. You should be able to communicate with the person you are dating, You should be able to talk about your thoughts, opinions and your feelings.

If they shut you down, and do not care about your feelings, then you should move on and let them go.

If they always have to be right and do not want your opinions or thoughts about things, they are a potential abuser and you need to get out.

10. It is okay to be on your own. It is okay to not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You do not have to be with someone all the time, or at all. If you have recently come out of a break up, then it is good to wait a while before jumping into a new relationship. Your emotions need to heal before you will have a good perspective to make good choices.

It is ok to be on your own. You do not need to be with someone, in order to be cool. You do not need someone in order to be happy. In fact some people will make you miserable.

It is ok to be on your own, just because you want to. You have a  lot of things to do, with school, family and activities. Relationships take time and you may not have the time right now.

It is okay to be on your own. It is okay if no one has asked you out. There are always some girls who seem to get asked out all the time. You might be the one that no one seems interested in.

This is probably because you are a real person. You are not all fluff and puff. You have depth and intelligence. There will be someone that will really respect and love you for that. But the “click” people and the “popular”  crowds do not like independent thinkers.

Be yourself. Do Not Change to fit in. DO not change to get a guy. be yourself and the right guy will come along. You would not be happy with these superficial people anyway. You would be frustrated and bored.

You need someone with some depth and intelligence. You will have to wait patiently until that special person comes along, because there are not as many independent thinkers as there are “crowd pleasers”

Guess what? This guy is also wondering where you are ! He is somewhere with people that he does not fit in with. He is the one not getting asked out,  because he does not fit in with the group. They are waiting to meet you. 

Light the Menorah / Ode to an Angry Ex-Boyfriend

We were standing in the back of a parking lot
You and I
Next to a huge pile of fertilizer
A big smelly pile of manure
You were smoking cigarettes

I was trying to make small talk with you
One year of living together
You still didn’t really get me
Didn’t understand the way I see things

Your cigarette was almost done
I looked at the manure mountain
Don’t drop it near the manure
I said
We don’t want to light the menorah!

I laughed out loud at my play on words.

You just looked at me
Wondering whether or not to be offended

You usually came to the conclusion
to be offended
Before I could explain anything
You wanted to be offended
You were always seeking a reason to be angry with me lately

You said “What do you mean?”
Looking very annoyed
I said “a menorah is something with candles that you light,
We are standing next to manure.
It was a play on words”

You looked more annoyed and confused
You said,
“But what do you mean?”

Me – “The manure fertilizer is flammable.
A menorah is candles that light with fire”
You – “It doesn’t make any sense. Why did you say it?”

Me – “It was a joke.”
You demanded, “Explain it to me!”

Me – “The moment is gone. It isn’t funny if I have to keep explaining it.
Just let it go.”

Then I had another thought about the manure
This big pile of fertilizer is like our communication.”

You – “I don’t understand”

I explained, “Our communication is like the manure”

You – “I am still trying to figure out why you were talking about a menorah”
Me – “I know”
You – “Why did you say it?”
Me – “It was a joke”
You – “How was it funny?”
Me – “It isn’t funny anymore.”

You – “I don’t understand”
Me – “I know”
You – “What do you mean?”
Me – “The way we communicate with each other”

You – “What is the point?”
Me – “The point is that our communication is like this pile of manure.”
You – “I don’t understand”
Me – “That’s the point.”
You – “What is the point?”
Me – “That you don’t understand the point.”

You – “You don’t make sense when you talk. Can’t you just say what you mean, like other people ?”
Me – “I am saying what I mean.”
You – “I don’t understand”
Me – “In not understanding, you do understand”
You – “I don’t understand you”
Me – “I know”

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