C-PTSD from Emotional / Mental Abuse

crying child

image from Pinterest 

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Trauma during childhood and teenage years leaves fractured pieces of yourself, existing  in time. As you begin to accept those child parts that feel abandoned, you will begin to realize that time is not as linear as we have been programmed to perceive it. 

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All of those parts of you exists now. You can reach out to them and bring them into yourself to integrate those fractured parts, so they do not feel rejected and abandoned. 
This will help you to be more in the present, so that you can think more clearly and see what you want and what you can do with your life. 
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C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is caused by being in on-going emotional / mental abuse from people that you feel entrapped with. There is no way to leave the situation, when you are a child and you are stuck in whatever situations your parents put you into. ..

Emotional abuse and other kinds of abuse cause emotional wounds. These wounds do not heal on their own. They need to be cared for and attended to. 

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image from Pinterest

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These emotional wounds are not able to heal while you are still in the abusive situations. Usually children are so used to the way they are living that there is no real frame of reference to know that you are being abused, or the degree to which the abuse is. 

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Wounded children feel abandoned and left behind by their adult self as well as by everyone else.   

There is a need for proper integration of these child parts into the whole of yourself. It is like there is still a wounded child inside of you that is waiting for someone to rescue them. Doing inner child work can help the fractured parts to become integrated. 

In many cases, many of the memories of emotional abuse during childhood are blocked out and not filed as normal memories. Some things are remembered and many more traumatic events are left unresolved and unhealed. 

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 If you have C-PTSD from childhood trauma, abuse, or chaotic events, your may have fractures and wounds in your subconscious. This can cause depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and other kinds of mental illness.
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The feeling that you do not belong anywhere and that you are out of place can come from the fractured child parts feeling abandoned. They need to be accepted and nurtured. 

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You can connect with that child that still resides within you. Tell them that you love them and that you are now able to hold and protect them. Let me know that they survived the situations that they are still feeling stuck inside of…to repeat over and over. 

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You can allow the child to take you hand, and give them permission to stop living in that trauma…repeating the event and the feelings over and over. 

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This will help to ease some of the emotional flashbacks that you experience as an adult. The emotional flashbacks are the child’s way of being heard and telling you that they need to be protected from experiencing similar fear to the originating event. Any similar situations can trigger you to be transported right back the the fight or flight feelings, and chemical response as the original trauma. 

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 Life Coaching sessions are available by appointment, usually scheduled a weak ahead of time. See the gentlekindness coaching web site and contact me with a message. 
I am working on some hypnosis audios for healing the wounded child and helping the fractured parts to integrate. If you want to get updates about the audios, feel free to follow the Facebook Page,or to sign up on the contact page at the Gentlekindness coachingweb site. 

Aftermath of Narcissistic, Mental Abuse

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If you grew up in an abusive household, then you were desensitized to abuse. You were conditioned that abuse is part of your life, and you may not even recognize milder forms of abuse than what you experienced as a child.

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When I say “milder”… I don’t actually feel that way. Society has conditioned us that certain kinds of abuse are not really abuse. Plus, the covert tactics of abuse often cannot be seen or proven.

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You have probably had toxic people sneak across your boundaries, and permeate the cracks in your borders, many times. You may have some clear boundaries, or none at all.

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Children in emotionally healthy families are taught about personal boundaries. They has someone to teach them what to do when someone was abusing them, or taking advantage of them. If you has one or both parents that were conditioning you that your feelings don’t matter, then you were not given the proper “software” for your brain.

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Having your self esteem crushed down as a child /teenager, is detrimental. It has long lasting effects on the subconscious.

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As an adult, you now need to learn the skills for survival that you should have been taught as a child. You need the support to build your self esteem back up.

Being surrounded regularly by people who minimize you, is the worst thing that can happen for your self esteem. If you continue to draw toxic people towards you, then you will never realize a sense of self.

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Your identity is being controlled by others. They are not treating you this was because you deserve it. That is just a gaslighting tactic they use to make you stay around them.

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No, people don’t mistreat you because there is something innately wrong with you. In fact most codependents and  empaths are compassionate, creative, intelligent people.

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Of course, the narcissists are not creative or empathic. They are rarely as intelligent as they will tell you they are. In fact, you should put up a red flag in your mind, anytime you hear someone constantly, and repeatedly telling you how intelligent they are….how successful they are…how much people like them….how people always do what they say….or how much of a “good person” they are.

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Anyone can say those things. How someone describes themselves should be compared to their behavior and actions. It is not a normal behavior for someone to spout about their intelligence…etc…regularly.

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If you have C-PTSD from on-going emotional / mental abuse growing up, then you will be targeted by narcissists. That pattern will continue, as you re-play the events and situations of your childhood….subconsciously trying to reslove the un-resolveable.

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You cannot change these kinds of people. Their treatment of you has probably caused you depression, PTSD, an anxiety disorder….and possibly suicidal thoughts …..All of which you may feel is due to some kind of mental illness in you.

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It is all part of their game. They intentionally cause you to be emotionally and mentally unstable.

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Then they make you believe that you need them. You are helpless…according to their “supposed” opinion of you . ….and you are convinced by them that you cannot possibly navigate the big bad world without them.

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In the mean time, the “Big Bad World” is either living in your home, bossing you around at work, or undermining any efforts you make towards being independent and autonomous.

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If you are an adult with a living narcissistic parent, they are probably still disrespecting you, and treating you like a child….and not in a good way. (I don’t treat my children this way)

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You need to re-wire the false beliefs that were programmed into your brain. You can Get Coaching, to help you with that.

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You need to evaluate each of your relationships, and see whatever truths that you have been brainwashed not to see. You can Get Coaching for that too.

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You need to be validated for all the abuse and gaslighting. You guessed it….you can Get Coaching for that one too !

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Do you need a compassionate person to listen to you…and really hear you? You can Break the Chains that hold you back from really blossoming in the world.

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Isn’t it time that these toxic people stopped using us? Isn’t it time for their cruel tactics to have some light shed on them?

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Why should we continue to bow down to their fear tactics…or even care what they think about us? The opinion of a toxic person, about Who You Are, does not count at all.

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Why?

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Because malignant narcissists constantly lie. They twist the truth around, and spin things in their favor….ALL THE TIME.

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We are NOT subservient to them. Their version of the truth is always twisted. Therefore, their opinion about you is not valid.

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Wouldn’t you like to get to discover the Real You? Unravel the lies from the truth. Counter the effects of the gaslighting on your mind.

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You need to feel calmer and more confident. You can Get Coaching  for that.

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You need to be heard, and to realize the beauty within you. That beauty that has been crushed and bruised.

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You can get your situation validated. You can be heard. You can get coaching for dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

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Don’t let wondering about the cost stop you from calling to get coaching.

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I work with anyone who is a good match for coaching with me. If I feel I can help you, then I will work with you to individualize a plan.

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Gentlekindness coaching.com  – Annie

 

Emotophobia from Emotional Abuse

emotophobia

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image source Pinterest

Emotophobia is the fear of unpleasant emotions, not to be confused with emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.

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There is little online about emotophobia, so I thought this would be a great topic to write about. People that suffer from emotophobia need to understand what it is and what causes it. It is the first step to healing.

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The few articles I found offered the suggestion to “stop treating negative emotions as if they are your enemies and can harm you.”

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This implies that emotions themselves cannot harm you. But abusive situations are different from normal ones. There are two basic reasons that people who grew up with abuse can end up with emotophobia. 

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The narcissistic parent does not allow their child to be an individual. When the child expresses their feelings and thoughts that are different that the parent wants them to be, the parent reacts with punishment of some kind. 

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Emotional punishments are typical from narcissistic parents, when the child asserts their boundaries, their feelings, or otherwise asserts their identity as an individual. 

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Living with a parent that can suddenly explode, means to be on constant vigilant duty to protect the parent from becoming upset. In some cases the child has to take on the parenting role. 

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Part of keeping the parent from becoming upset, is to keep any negative feelings of your own to yourself. So you are basically brainwashed into thinking that all negative emotions are bad, both yours and those of the people around you. 

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Saying “No” to people can be difficult because it brings up the symptoms of the C-PTSD.  Adrenaline and cortisol are released into the body, alerting the person that there is a threat. Even if the threat is imagined, the physiological response is the same. The feelings of panic in the body are the same as if there is an actual danger or threat of danger.

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People with emotophobia are wired to control their own emotions and the emotions of the people around them. We feel responsible to comply with people, in order to keep them from becoming angry or upset. This is called People Pleaser Syndrome.

 

There is an association between someone becoming upset and being hurt yourself. Complying with other people helps to keep the PTSD response at bay. The anxiety that an abused person feels when they are near someone who is becoming angry, can be overwhelming. 

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image source Pinterest

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This anxiety is then coupled with the fact that you are not “supposed to” express how you are feeling. So when the adrenaline kicks in from the PTSD response, the person just wants to shut it down as fast as possible.

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It is better to avoid it all together and just keep the people around you content. At least that is how it can feel.

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.For people that have emotophobia, emotions were the enemy and they were followed

by consequences.

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People that grew up in mentally abusive childhoods were not permitted to have emotions like other people are. It is not safe for them to express their feelings 

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The expression of emotion, which represents being an individual, is often punished by abusive parents.

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Adults who were emotionally abused as  children do not always recognize the abuse. They think that if they were not physically injured by their parents that everything else was okay. You may have felt that something was wrong when you were a child. If you did then you probably were emotionally and mentally abused. 

Narcissistic parents and other overbearing, manipulative parents do not want their children to develop independent thoughts and ideas.

They do not want their children thinking in terms of their own needs at all. When their children expressed feelings, the parents retaliated.

Punishments from the silent treatment to aggressive verbal abuse of the child are used.

Physical consequences may also follow as a matter of course, when a child showed anything resembling disobedience, including not feeling what they were told to feel.

These mentally abusive parents, want the focus on themselves and their needs. They demand for the child to cater to their ever changing desires and demands.

In order to survive in this type of environment, the child must learn to constantly read the parent’s body language and tone of voice.

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They must anticipate the desires and moods of the parent. If they fail to do so, it is met with negative consequences.

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If the child expresses disagreement, or unhappiness with the parent, they will likely invoke the anger and wrath of the parent.

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image source Pinterest

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Even a facial expression of disagreement with the parent can bring out their anger.

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For their own protection, these children and teenagers learn to disguise their feelings and push them down.

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They do not want the parent to see their feelings because it will be used against them.

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If you grew up in this type of environment, then feeling negative emotions was the enemy. It is not something we have suddenly developed an irrational fear of as adults.

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This environment causes C-PTSD, which is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, in many people. This is carried over into adulthood.

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So, the advice to “stop treating emotions as if they were the enemy” and to tell people that feeling emotions is safe, does not make sense to someone with C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse.

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Adults can also develop emotophobia from ongoing abusive relationships with a partner. Women become afraid to disagree with their partner because they fear his anger.

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Abusive people do not tolerate independence from their partner. When the victim asserts the fact that they are an individual person, it is met with extreme resistance or anger from the narcissist.

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Again, the brain rewires the neural connections to avoid showing negative feelings. This is a necessary survival tactic at the time.

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It is not easily undone. The subconscious brain wants to do everything to protect you. Living with an abusive parent requires the brain to alter neural pathways, in order to make you hypervigilant about the parent’s emotions.  It learns to focus more on their feelings than on yours, so that you can survive.

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It takes years to develop this survival tactic and to detach from and avoid negative emotions. The brain becomes wired to discourage entering into situations that may cause negative emotions.

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To undo what was a learned survival skill takes a lot of work in re-wiring the brain.

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Telling someone “emotions are your friends” does not work, especially without any idea why the person feels such anxiety about emotions like anger and sadness.

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The problem with emotophobia is that having it makes you easier for people to manipulate. People that want their way all the time, can use emotional manipulation to make you want to comply, rather than experiencing the pain of the emotophobia symptoms. 

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Realizing that you allow people to have their way, in order to avoid upsetting them is the first step to healing. Then you can understand that people get upset sometimes and unless you are in danger from them in some way, you can endure the feelings you will go through when they react to you. 

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You can begin to recognize when someone is trying to emotionally manipulate you. They will not take no for an answer. They use shame and guilt to get you to do things. Another sign is that their reactions to things will be far out of proportion to the “slight” they should be perceiving. 

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You have just as much of a right to your boundaries as anyone else does. People should not get their way just because they play on your fear of upsetting them. Experiencing emotions such as sadness, fear and anger is normal. You can learn that you can sit with emotions and get to the other side. 

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**for information about coaching, hypnosis, and NLP for people with C-PTSD and emotophobia see my web site HERE or follow the gentlekindness facebook page HERE

Bullying and Shaming is Abuse

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Setting Boundaries with Manipulative People

  1. Other people do not get to decide what upsets you and what does not.
  2. Other people have no frame of reference about your life, to be able to decide if you are being “too sensitive” or “hyper sensitive” . No…they just don’t get to!
  3. Shaming someone is not love or support in any way, no matter how they attempt to twist things around to convince you. No shaming! Don’t accept it!
  4. People do not have the right to tell you how to perceive reality or to question you perception of reality. No they don’t! Just say NO !
  5. You are completely entitled to your feelings and to feel hurt when someone is….. mean, disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish, sarcastic, deceitful, dishonest, disappointing, exploitative, condescending or minimizing to your reality. (image from Pinterest link HERE)puppet.jpg
  6. Someone insisting you perceive things the way they tell you to all the time is gaslighting you.
  7. You have the right to a conversation with a loved one about abusive or hurtful behavior. You are not being abusive to them when you point out behavior that hurts you and express your feelings about that behavior!!!
  8. Conversations about your feelings that always turn around somehow to be about their feelings, is a red flag of narcissistic abuse.
  9. No demeaning behavior, embarrassing you, disrespectful behavior or condescending attitudes have to be tolerated. It does not prove that you love them…it is just evidence that you have been desensitized to that kind of treatment.
  10. Excuses for their behavior that make you the cause of it, are UNACCEPTABE !

 

*PLEASE NOTE **If you are in an abusive relationship with someone that you fear may become violent, then please do not provoke them ! …. Get help, and carefully plan your escape from them. …..Do not risk violence to yourself or your children….. Pathological people can suddenly become much more violent when confronted by a partner. 

Sweet to Your Bitterness

I was strong
to do all you commanded
I was weak
to make that choice

I was brave
to face your twisted mind
I was fearful
of your retaliation

I was beautiful
but you did not see
I was ugly
as you made me

I was loving
to your unlove
I was generous
to your selfishness

I was soft
to your hard heart
I was flexible
to your inflexibility

I was sweet
to your bitterness
I was gentle
to your callousness

I was stable
to your insanity
I was creative
to your destruction

I was light
for you to extinguish
I was hope
for you to disbelieve

I was peace
to your terrible violence
I was honesty
to your lies

I was intelligent
before I met you
I was stupid
as you made me feel

I was whole
and you took it all
I was broken
and you crushed the pieces

I was blind
But now I see
Not Because of you
But Because of Me

Is Your Partner Abusive?

abusive man

image from the back of a pamphlet displayed on facebook

Please know that the behaviors on this list are not normal. If your partner is displaying any combination of these behaviors you need to get out. It is not always easy, but you can get advice and help from local sources like a women’s shelter. your primary care doctor, social services organizations and your police. 

Abusers become more abusive with time. The abuse always escalates. Be safe and leave in a way that does not anger them. Do not confront them. Remove important documents from your home and keep them in a safe place, along with other necessities. You can leave them at a house of someone you trust. 

Take every safety precaution that the women’s shelter tells you to. You do not have to stay with an abuser. You do not deserve the abuse. It is a lie they tell you, to make you put up with it.

Visit my web site for more information and healing methods – gentlekindnesscoaching.com  

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Aftermath of Narcissistic Abuse

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can be brutal…even worse than the abuse when you were in the relationship. If you are wondering why you seem to be in worse shape now, than when you were in the relationship, you are not alone.

The narcissist intentionally caused you to become addicted to your role, and your identity, that they made you accept. During the idealization phase they bombarded you constantly with messages and phone calls.

This was to intentionally alter your chemicals, in order to create an addictive bond with them. This is a very addictive bond, in which the brain and the body become dependent upon interaction with the abuser.

The idealization phase causes an addiction due to chemicals like dopamine, which are released in your body. The narcissist ensures that your brain becomes accustomed to constant contact with them. This is why they bombard you with calls and texts. 

You were conditioned to crave this interaction, their approval, and their validation of your reality. Within a month or so, your brain began to be unable to regulate your stress level without the narcissist regulating them for you.

This is part of their design. The narcissistic psychopath  intentionally creates a chemical addiction in you. This makes their Silent Treatments, and demeaning behaviors so much more painful, when the devaluation phase is in full swing.

After all….is there any relationship you have ever bern in…other than with a narcissist or a psychopath…that caused you such high levels of toxic loneliness, feelings of emotional dis-regulation, and mental pain…..when you were apart from them for a few days….or did not hear from them for a few hours, when they had promised to call….

This is addiction. It has physiological evidence in your brain. You could see it, if you had an MRI machine handy. This is intentional and this is what the Love Bombing is all about.

It is also why they revert….although temporarily…to the idealization phase….anytime they feel they are losing their hold on you. By reverting to the idealization phase temporarily, the narcissist confuses your brain as well as creating a chemical explosion in you.

When the narcissist revisits the idealization phase you feel a sense of hope…you will not….and cannot leave them.  Your brain always craves that next fix of chemicals… and the narcissist knows this.

They intentionally use this addiction to manipulate you. They hold a power over you, like no other person can.

And when the relationship ends, you go into a terrible withdrawal of these chemicals that you were trained to be addicted to.

You crash fast and hard. The symptoms are similar to that of any drug addict that has been cut off from their drug of choice. It is not your fault.

It is not your fault. It was done without your consent. You never asked for this. You never saw it coming. You never saw it happening to you.

The withdrawal from narcissist or a psychopath is terrifically painful, and grueling to go through. You are the most vulnerable during this stage of recovery, to be hoovered back in by the apologetic narcissist.

It is understandable why victims go back to the narcissist, if they attempt to hoover them back.  In within the first six months. The chemical addiction and withdrawal symptoms seem to have a painful hold on survivors of a narcissist, for 6 months or more.

So why does your life fall apart? It is like what any other addict experiences. All aspects of your life are affected….from your emotional and mental states, to your physical health and immune system.

Keeping up with daily living activities is very difficult. Going to work is difficult. You become sleep deprived from insomnia, because your brain cannot self regulate your nervous system.

You are not crazy. A person that told you they cared about you, intentionally messed up your brain. They would do it all over again if they got the chance….and they may try…

Being tortured by someone you loved…and probably still love….is the worst form of betrayal.

Visit my gentlekindness coaching for narcissistic abuse facebook page HERE

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Narcissists Drink Your Tears and Your Anger


 

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