Self Love is not Selfishness

self care

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Mother’s Love for Teenage Daughter Poem

*This is a poem I wrote for my daughter when she was 16 years old, after a traumatic sweater incident.   As out children get older, we come to the realization that we will not always be able to protect them from the troubles in the world. The ideal of “Mommy can Fix Everything with a Kiss”  becomes something like a dream from a past life.  There is a sadness to this realization that they will be going out into a world that often has darkness to it. So the little “fixes” we can offer take on a whole new meaning. 

 

With my Own Two Hands

Sirens whiz by on the road outside
Someone unknown to me is in trouble
I say a silent prayer.

The six o’clock news shows a video
People are homeless from a hurricane
I offer a silent prayer.

An accident occurs on the road as I drive
A person is in trouble
I call 911 on my cell.

My daughter spills hair dye on the new sweater
Her grandmother gave her for Christmas.
She cries.

I take her to the store and buy her an identical one

I tell her Grandma will never know
Happy to do it because

at least
for now…
She still has problems I can fix
With my own two hands.

Baby Sunflower

kayla baby sunflower

I just came across this baby picture of my younger daughter, as I was cleaning out some old boxes. I remember putting this sunflower head piece on her. She was such a beautiful baby 🙂

And now she is still beautiful 🙂 

 

New Part Time Job

I got a job today as a Mother’s Helper. I found the job on Sitter City.com. It is about 15 minutes away, so that is not bad at all.

The lady is very nice and she has two pre-teen kids. They just need someone there for company, snacks, homework and things like that. I felt a very good vibe with the lady and I feel good about having a part time job that has regular hours.

Once I get a few more Life Coaching clients and a few guitar student. then I should become more financially stable. That will be a great relief.

When I lost my CNA job due to licensing problems I cashed out an IRA from my last job. This money lasted me to live on since May. I was very careful to spend it sparingly.

But a few days ago the balance, which was once 4,000 dollars had finally become $ 1.50. That is to say One Dollar and fifty cents.

I stayed calm and did not completely panic, although I felt like it. Then I got 3 responses from my resume the next day.

So I think I will make it another week and then I will be paid by the new job. I actually had to borrow 30 dollars from my 18 year old for gas and a little bit of food. I felt shameful to have to do that. But now I know I can return her money soon.

I do have a few life coaching clients and that is going very well. I really love that work. I mostly have people who are recently out of an abusive relationship or who are dealing with social anxiety and self esteem issues.

You never quite know where life will take you. You have to take a step now and then and follow along until you create a path in under your feet.

It is nice to meet new people. I enjoyed visiting with the lady this evening. I have been self isolating for too long after getting out of the abusive relationship I was in.

It is time to dip my toe back into the pool. The water always feels cold at first but it warms up.

Crystal Clear Lake with Cloud Reflections – photography

duck with cloud reflection

The water at the park on this day was crystal clear. It was like a mirror. You could see the clouds and the trees in the water like they were real.

The ducks were all out enjoying the sunshine and my daughter found some great opportunities for pictures, using my cell phone camera.

My daughter, the little photographer,  took lots of pictures this day. I will divide them between posts. . I was impressed at how well these came out. I promised her I would post them for you all to see.

duck tress clouds

Chocolate Chip Pancakes for a Late Night Snack !

Okay so I am going to make my daughter chocolate chip pancakes at 10 pm. This is something I do once in a while just for fun. She loves to tell her friends that her mother is a little crazy and makes chocolate chip pancakes for a late night snack.

Life has to be whimsical for me sometimes and I like to share that with my kids. They are only young once and sometimes things should just be for fun .

I am taking her to the grocery store to get the pancake mix and then we will be making them, 

Try to do something like this…that is off the wall and does not make any logical sense. It does not hurt anyone and it breaks up the regular schedule and the monotony of being on autopilot.

Don’t Have What It Takes ? Improvise !

improvise

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Possibilities are Waiting for You to Find Them

possibilities

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You are More Than They Tell You

you are more

People around us, especially our family members can tend to underestimate us and place us in a box of what they think they know about us.

Families gossip and talk about other members. There ends up being a perception of each person in the family that is carried by most of the family members.

Then it is passed on as factual  information to other family members but it is not factual. It is opinions of other people about you. This is the perpetuation of your narrative, and your picture as others see you.

You may be disappointed when you bring up an idea to your family or friends of something new you want to try or something you want to be. They still have you in their box, that lives in their heads and will tell you who you are and that you are not suited to do anything other than what you have always done.

Not only that, they are not even aware of all the things you have done, or all the skills you have. You have done things that were not in front in front of them that they know nothing about.

In fact, people get so stuck in their perceptions that you could do something right in front of them that shows a new side of you and they will not even process it.

You are capable of doing more than you are already doing. You are capable of being more than you have been allowed to be. You have potential for all sorts of things. If it is something that you feel called to do, then you can find a way to meet that calling.

Don’t let people put you in a box and keep you there. If they insist in keeping you in a box that exists in their heads, then so be it. Let that box exists for them. You do not have to live in it.

You do not need the approval of family or your friends to expand yourself and begin to reach out for the things you really want in life. There is no point in your life that you cannot grow, learn, and change. You are not stuck with the You that others see.

Sometimes it is best not even to tell people what you are working on or studying. If you know they will discourage you and bring you down, then you may want to keep some of your dreams and ventures to yourself. You do  not have to have their support.

If you feel that you need some guidance, support or inspiration you can seek that outside of your family and friends. You can find people on line to talk to.

You can find a great Life Coach that specializes in the area you are working on. There may be support groups and networking groups online and even in your community.

Do not limit yourself to who other people tell you that you are. Do not accept your rank within your siblings, to be your rank in the world. Do not accept your role within your family to be your role in society.

You are unique and special, with special gifts. If your family does not think you can be anymore than they see you as right now, then they are wrong. You can find your own personal strengths. Some of them might even be the very things your family or friends consider your weaknesses.

If one of your siblings is a writer and the family considers them “the writer” of the family, that has nothing to do with whether or not you can become a writer. If your cousin is considered “the teacher” of the family, that does not have anything to do with whether or not you can be an amazing teacher.

No one in the family has the right to claim a role and then say than you have to settle for a different one. It does happen within the family, but it does not have to translate to your interaction with the world.

Just because you are not in a leadership role in the family, does not mean that you cannot take a leadership role outside of the family. Just because the family may call you the less intelligent one, or the lazy one does not make it true. These are just labels that they chose to put on you, in order to further the agenda of the family.

Some people in your family may even have been telling you that you cannot accomplish things, just to keep you down. There are advantages for certain kinds of people, in crushing down another family member’s self esteem.

You can pursue whatever you dream to pursue and become good at it. You can try different things until you find what calls to you.

Don’t let other people tell you who you are and who you are not. It is not up to them. Spread your wings and fly the direction that you want to.

Dreaming of the Ocean Creative Visualization

Calming myself by picturing lying on a beautiful exotic beach. One day I would like to go to one.

If you close your eyes and do a creative visualization, you can feel yourself someplace you would like to be.

Creative visualization is good for anxiety relief and can distract you from pain ( to a point)

I hear the ocean waves. I hear those sea gulls. I feel the warmth of the sun touching my skin. I feel the light ocean breeze blowing across my skin.

For a realistic visualization that will pull you in, use every possible sense. Touch, feel on your skin, temperature.

Smell. Taste. I think I would be sipping cold ice tea or to make my visualization even better…ice cold Corona with lime wedges.

Hearing. The sounds of the waves,…

Beach Dreaming

Scheduled post. I am probably asleep. I will check in with you all, when I wake up from my nap. I was too sick to sleep well for nights in a row.

Actually last night I never slept. I just laid in the bed and then got up to go the ER a round 5am.

Ahh, the ocean waves sound so beautiful. ..

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