Red Flags you are Dating an Abuser

I am a member of a closed group on facebook for domestic abuse. I have noticed a lot of people asking what the red flags are for a potential abuser , in order that they can avoid getting into a relationship like that again.

I realized from reading these posts that a lot of people have no idea what any warning signs are that you are involved with an abusive personality. Truthfully. a few years ago, I did not know myself. It is very easy to overlook certain behaviors and chalk them up to the person having a bad day.

Many abusive people are very nice at the beginning of the relationship, as were both of the abusers I was in relationships with. But looking back , there were red flags that I overlooked.

The most recent relationship that I got out of a year ago was nice at the beginning. He was very doting and payed attention to me and I liked that. I do remember ignoring things with him, because I wanted to take his side and be supportive.

There was one incident that is clear in my mind. My boyfriend came home and he was very upset and angry. He was driving a taxicab at that time and there was an incident when he went to pick up a lady who had called for a cab to get home from work.

The client  ended up  called the office to complain that she saw him banging his hands angrily on the steering wheel .. She was getting ready to come out of the store when she could see his angry outburst.

The boss called him on his cell phone ,  told him to come back to the office,. They had to send another driver because the lady would not get into the cab with him.

He took no responsibility for being wrong and felt completely justified in his actions because he did not get his way. The woman should have come running out to the cab the second it got there

He thought the boss was unjustified in sending another cab for the customer. He was angry at the boss for sending him back to the office . Everyone was wrong except for him. The lady was rude to call the office. The boss was wrong for discussing his temper with him. He said “what I do inside of the car is my business.”

He exaggerated and overreacted to all situations His way was always right and everyone had to give him what he wanted.

He knew more about everything that the people he worked for. There were problems with every boss he had. This included current ones as well as jobs he mentioned from the past. He liked to tell stories about how he got even or planned to screw them over to get even. Everybody owed him an apology or  penance for what they did to him.

The colleges he took classes at or got degrees from were at fault for misleading him about the job market. People that interviewed him were “RUDE” for not calling him back to tell him they. decided to hire someone else and why.  It was everyone’s fault but his own that he did not have more money – his parents, his past clients, his coworkers, his past business partners and his present business partners and his ex wife.

No job  kept him  for very long.  I remember when he worked at a retail store and he tried to tell them a different way to organize the merchandise. They told him to please follow the way he was told to put it out. He was so mad and he told me “I was just trying to show them a better way.”  He had never worked in retail before and had no idea how they did things and why. He wa fired from this job , which was the 3rd job he lost after I knew him.

He was quick to anger over anyone getting in the way of what he wanted. He was never wrong. He was never responsible for anything. It was always someone else’s fault.

He once called a lady walking down the street a slut. When I asked him why, he said that it was her dress. When I looked at her dress it seemed normal. I did not recognize this as a contempt for women.

Red Flags to be on Alert for are…

Criticism and disresect  of women

Jealousy

Need to control your schedule

Need to know where you are at all times

Anger when you do not respond to texts and voice mails right away

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Accusing you of sleeping with other guys

Isolating you from family and friends

Having to always be there, even when you are just having girl talk

Control of the money

Making you account for your day in detail

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with resect

Chauvinistic

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

There are more,but that is the list that comes to my head. We can do a follow up to this post. Please put any suggestions in the comments section.

Stay safe.

Annie