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If you find yourself in the darkness….it is partially a solitary battle. Trying to get out of that tunnel backwards, by retreating will not work.
You have to sit with the darkness and interact with those fears, angers, grief or sadness demons. You need to let your inner child know that you are confronting those demons for them, because the child in incapable to battle them or defend against them.
If you try to run away from that tunnel, the demons will always follow you, because they refuse to be ingnored. Your inner child will continue to feel rejected and abandoned by you, because you are not integrating the demons.
If you experienced trauma at early ages, those demons are still haunting the child.
An incident of coming face to face with evil or darkness, will trigger the old fears, because they were never consoled and accepted.
You can sit with these feelings and let your inner child know that you accept them, love them, and will always protect them.
Once the child realizes it is not abandoned then the process of integrating the fractured child parts, and fractured memory pictures, can begin.
image from pinterest Link HERE
Each picture has a meaning attached to it. The meanings of things during childhood are programmed into you by others, who were concerned with their own agenda. You can change the meaning that your subconscious holds about these memories.
Take your time as you walk through the dark tunnel. You will get to the other side stronger and with greater ability to perceive truth.
Any feelings you are carrying of shame, guilt, or obligation to violate your authentic self, are part of this veil.
There is more to see and perceive….and there are more possibilities that exist….and more possibities that you can create. People limit you by telling you what you cannot and should not do.
The darkness does not have to be pushed aside, in order for you to survive it.
Painful emotions are guides, telling you not to go in a certain direction.
Your emotions are an alert system that is important for you to pay attention to.
Others are not living your life. They do not have any right to dictate how you feel about their behaviors and words. They do not have any right to program your mind with the meaning they want you to attach to things.
Your brain and your emotions are your own. You have a right to feel how you feel, and to care about those feelings. Others who discount your feelings are not supporting you and those people are not good for you.
Highly sensitive people and empaths are criticized by the ones who want to dominate over and subjugate them.
They will tell you that you are “too sensitive” or that you are “over reacting.. “
They may even deny things they say and do, in order to gaslight you.
When you try to set boundaries with them, they tell you they never did what you are remembering them doing….or they just plain say that your needs are irrelevant.
This is to create ficticious examples of how your “highly sensitive person” qualities are not valid. If these people can make you question your perception of reality, then they can manipulate how you feel about yourself.
Do not discount or minimize your feelings.
Experience them and integrate all parts of you into the whole. Others will attempt to fracture your parts, because this disables you from being powerful.
You have a great purpose and there are many possibilities all around you. Accept and love yourself for who you are.
Photography by Karina Chernova – see more of her work HERE
As you begin to integrate the light and the darkness of the old and new demons, you will begin to see how you belong in the world.
You have purpose and are part of all life. Your gifts are special and unique. .
Listen to those people that nourish your soul…rather than those people that seek to cripple your spirit. Find others who can validate your worthiness ….
Highly sensitive people and empaths are in the minority.
It is important for you to exist in an environment that supports you. Seek out those who value your gifts and accept you for who you are.
Note – If you are interested in life coaching for expanding and blossoming your unique gifts, or help finding your direction, please feel free to visit my web site and join the email list.
-overcoming narcissistic abuse
-dealing with the “red pills” and truth being revealed to you
-hypnosis and NLP
-compassionate conversation and validation
When you are with a devil of a partner, you do not see their dark side at first. The really good predators are skilled at creating a shared psychosis…an illusion that you are two perfectly matched souls….destined to be together
When you are with an authentic partner, who has true compassion for you, they do not feel the need to state things like….
I have compassion for you.
I don’t usually have compassion for other people, but I have compassion for you.
Other people do not really understand you or see you. But only I see the real you.
No one sees your talent but me.
I am the only one who has really loved you.
I am the only one who could really love you.
You are so different from other people that I am the only one who understands you.
You are too special to be with anyone but me.
No one will love you the way I do.
You are the only one who can save me.
I would die without you.
You would die without me.
You and I do not belong in this world.
We are nothing without each other.
You can only do great things if you are with me.
I will kill myself if you leave me.
I will kill myself if you….
I will kill myself if you don’t….
My life was nothing before you.
You don’t need anyone but me.
Your friends are not really your friends. Only I am.
Everyone always lets me down in the end.
Everyone disappoints me sooner or later.
Every relationship I have ends up with them abusing me. You will do the same.
Everyone leaves me. So will you.
No one is willing to give me what I need.
I never get enough help from anyone.
People should help me and do what I ask, without wanting something in return.
If you really loved me you would not expect things in return for doing everyhing I ask you to do.
How can I believe you love me if you are not waiting by the phone when I call?
How can you do things for other people when I am so needy?
How can you do things for yourself (like take a shower) without checking that I am okay first?
I should not have to be there for you to prove my love.
Love is about you being there for me and doing things for me that I can do myself.
Love is being there for me when you have an impotant business meeting to go to.
Love is being there for me, when your friend or family member has an emergency.
Love is about being there for me when you have an emergency.
Love is being there for me when you are sick or sleep deprived.
Love is giving up all your friends and family for me.
Love is you knowing that my job is more important than yours, but that I not help you pay your bills.
Love is YOU paying attention to MEEEEEE and me ignoring, rejecting, demeaning, minimizing and lying about you.
If you were brought up in a chaotic, dysfunctional, emotionally abusive or negligent childhood then you were taught not to focus on your own needs. As an adult you are at a disadvantage in taking care of yourself.
You might notice that other people draw boundaries and get what they want easier than you do. This is because they were taught that their needs matter and that you have to take care of yourself or no one else will.
Those of us with “People Pleaser Syndrome” were taught ..” if you cater to someone else then eventually that person will take care of you.”
You are supposed to keep sacrificing for others until they appreciate you for what you have sacrificed for them. Unfortunately people most often do not change from “being catered to” to “taking care of you.”
The problem is that the people around you get trained … “spoiled”…that you do not mind being the one they take advantage of. You are the one whobwill come through no matter how inconvenient or painful it is for you.
If you have C-PTSD from abuse as a child (including emotional / psychological) abuse then you are likely to have depression and anxiety disorders.
Many people that were not nurtured and guided to be independent adults now have C-PTSD and do not even know what is wrong with them. As much as you may want to forget your childhood ever existed, it is that early proframming that is still ruling your subconscious thinking, from behind the scenes.
You are not even aware why you make the choices you make. In fact many of your behaviors do not feel like choices at all. You are programmed to respond to people in ways that make you unhappy and even upset with yourself.
The holidays can be miserable for adult children that come from families that programmed them to ignore their true inner voices. But you inner voice is trying to tell you what you really need.
You have just as much of a right to enjoy the holidays as anyone else does. Let your conscious rational brain see when things are not balanced in your relationships.
Before you say yes to anything during the holidays, tell the person you need to think about it. Give yourself time to find out if the things you are choosing are best for you.
Your first response to people within a few seconds is coming from your programming that other people installed directly into your brain hard drive. But you have the right to override it.
You can refuse to respond to people right away. Just tell them you need to think about it and you will gey back to them. This simple action will tell people that you are a person and that if you choose to what they want it was because you decided to figure it into your schedule.
People may be shocked and resistant to your changing methods but if they always get their way then it is your turn. If you have always done what they want you to on the holidays then you can take one year to do things differently.
Take time to think through what choices best support you. Then do not let people emotionally manipulate you. Other adults such as parents . siblings and in laws do not have the right to demand you to cater to them, especially if they do not care about your feelings and needs.
Taking time to respond will allow you to think about and remeber which people care about you as opposed to which ones manipulate and take you for granite.
The people that manipulate your time are taking your time away from people who you would be happier being with and who deserve your time more.
There is no rule against taking time for yourself or spending it differently than you usually do. Change can be good for the soul and it is also good for your cognitive functionling. When you always go on auto-pilot, your brain loses plasticity.
The plasticity of your brain gets less flexible when you stay in a routine that never alters. It makes it harder for you to rhink of possibilities and options. Making small changes in your behaviors can increase this plasticity and allow you to see more choices.
For every option you see, there is another one that you are not seeing yet, but you might see it if you give yourself time before you commit to things toobfast.
People are not in control over you as much as it feels like. When dealing with manipulative family members you just go outbof your way to please people who neve4 give you the love and acceptance you need anyway.
Allow time for yourself and for people who will appreciate you more. There may be someone you would like to make time for that you have not thought of because they are not the “squeeky wheel.”
Think of what you would actually like to do during the holidays. If things are triggering to your anxiety or depression then you can …
Blow them off…
Keep the time to a minimum and then go do something you want to do…
Change something about your behavior that makes it more bearable such ad not agreeing to everything right away ( remember…I need to think about it)…
Don’t cater to people’s emotions who are minimizing or neglecting you feelings, wishes and rights…
Take control back for some aspect of the events and activities (do not do everthing the way they expect you to)…
Let people know that you have as much right to enjoy ( or at least not be miserable) during the holidays as they do…
Say “no” and let them figure out their next step…
Take notes for yourself about what people say and do so that they do not change the truth around to manipulate your memory. …
Set you own time table as far as what times you are able to come and go…other people do just this
All people have needs to survive. We need to have proper shelter, food and health care. People need to feel safe and that their needs will be met.
Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs theory in 1943. He stated that people have needs that must be met before other ones. The basic needs for shelter and safety must be met for all people.
There is no room for fun, learning, socializing or self-actualizing without the basic needs being met first. The person fails to thrive. All the things other people do are just not the priority. The safety is the priority and dominates the person’s thoughts and emotions.
When someone is in a living situation where these needs are not met, they are left feeling vulnerable and afraid. The situation is unsafe and potentially life threatening.
There are different types of domestic abuse. All of them involve the person being stripped of their self-esteem and being denied basic needs that every human has.
There are men and women who experience violence against them in their own home. There are episodes of violence and there is a constant threat of violence. This threat forces the brain to be on alert and suspicious all the time.
The brain is not designed to be in this state for a prolonged periods of time and damage can occur to the way the brain assesses the possibility and level of potential threats for years to come.
There are domestic abuse situations which involve financial abuse. People are controlled financially and cannot take care of their own needs. I lived in an abuse situation years ago in which I had to go without heat for most of a very cold winter.
My money was controlled and I was not “allowed” to purchase heating oil. I still fear the cold and feel very unsafe and can go into a state of post traumatic stress when I fear that I will be forced to be cold. Even the oncoming winter is frightening to me.
When a person is not taken care of and not permitted to take care of themselves, it causes a trauma. It is terrifying to feel that you are in danger of freezing, going hungry, going without medical care and any other basic needs. When someone denies you basic human needs it is frightening and creates a horrible feeling of vulnerability.
Living in these types of abusing situations also causes severe damage to a person’s self-esteem. They may doubt their own ability to provide for their own basic needs for years after the original trauma.
The feeling of being vulnerable and in danger is carried in the brain and in the nervous system. Any situation which is a reminder of the original traumatic abusive situation can trigger a post traumatic stress attack. The person will collapse under the weight of the fear and not be able to function normally.
In addition to traumatic attacks (like severe panic attacks), the person can have a constant feeling of being unsafe. They feel that any minute something could happen to put them in a place of fear and danger.
Most people have never been in a dangerous situation of violence of of being in danger of starving or freezing to death. They have never been in a situation where someone threatened to cause them to lose their job unless they were compliant.
We have lived through an on-going situation of terror and physical and mental abuse. Being forced to go without basic needs is mentally abusive as well as physically abusive.
It is also emotionally abusive. We need to be loved. How could the person we trusted and loved, allow us to suffer like that? They made us feel that we were at fault or that we did not deserve to be taken care of. We did not deserve to be able to take care of ourselves.
It is difficult for people to understand the post traumatic stress that can result from living in a domestic abuse situation. It can take years to feel safe again or the person may never feel truly safe ever again.
It is hard to trust people again. A person who survived domestic abuse trusted someone who violated them in the worst possible way. They treated them like they were not human. It is very hard to truly trust anyone again after that happens to you.
It is hard to trust situations. I trusted that I would have food and heat once. Now I never really feel confident that my current situation will be able to be maintained. It often feel like I am just a hair from losing my job, even when there is no reason to think that.
I am often anxious on my way home from work as to whether or not the house will still have heat. The fear does not subside until I enter the door and feel that the heat is working.
It is a terrible thing to live with post traumatic stress disorder. It is sad that so many people do not understand how we feel. We are not crazy.
We have lived through situations where there was a very real threat. In our minds, what is to keep it from happening again. Our good judgement? Clearly our judgement let us down already. How can we trust ourselves?
My hope is for awareness that will generate some understanding. I also pray that all of the many people suffering PTSD from domestic abuse are able to one day find peace and a feeling of safety.