Eliza

eliza 2.

image from pinterest

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The midnight wind swept her hair

Like silken darkness across her face

She glanced once from side to side

Then continued with bold strides

Across broken rocks and fallen branches

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Her aching feet finally arriving

Toes pointed toward the black iron gates

Eliza removed an object from her bag

Moonlight splashing a reflection

Onto the cold steel of the barrel

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She thrust as hard as her body could bare

And the object flung over the gates

Into the blackness of the overgrowth

That strangled the cemetary markers

Looking like strange alien spiders

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The cold black steel disappeared

The evidence was swallowed up

Never to have existed in the first place

Eliza trembled at her imagination

Half with dread and half with remorse

That she could never pull the trigger

Even pointed at that god forsaken monster

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The sound of her name broke the silence

And echoed through the streets

She turned towards the direction

From where the creature was beckoning

Dropping her face and hunching forward

She slowly began to make her way back

To home where the creature kept her

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eliza

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Shamanic Approach to Healing from Emotional Abuse

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soul retrieval drumming

.image from pinterest

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I recently came across the Native American Shaman  concept of Soul Sickness. I found this idea very interesting and it seemed to coincide with other things that I write about. There is a phenomenon that occurs with many abuse victims, which is a kind of leaving one’s own body during the abuse. 

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The idea is that the victim’s brain cannot accept the level or type of abuse into their reality.

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In order for the brain to protect itself from trauma, it takes itself into a derealization / depersonalization state. This is something that you may have experienced if you ever in an abusive situation, or even any life threatening situation. 

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Depersonalization is a state the brain goes into, in order to protect you.

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The feeling of this state is likely somewhat different for different people, but there is similarity in the way people describe this state. The feeling is as if one can see their body and how it is involved in the event, but it is as if the body belongs to another person. 

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The order of the events is processed, but it is like someone else is doing the motions, and handling the things that are happening. If someone was hitting you, then you would see the body being struck, but not really relate to that body as being your own. You could block your face from being hit but it would feel like someone else was actually controlling those hands which no longer feel like you are attached to your hands.

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Derealization is the feeling that the whole scene is like you were watching it in a movie. You may not even really know for sure if it were really happening. You might wonder if it is actually a dream or a nightmare that you are actually in. The scene does not feel like you are an active part of it. It is more like observing a dream or watching a movie. 

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Soul Sickness. as the Shamans see it, is when the soul has become ill, or parts of it have left the body all together. During a situation, such as sexual abuse, the soul was going to be damaged by experiencing it, so rather than be there for the trauma, it just left the body entirely. 

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This idea of part of you leaving the situation, because it could not endure it, is the same as the derealization and depersonalization experience. The person is there, but not all of them is there to be traumatized. 

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But trauma is sustained nonetheless, because the very situation of being forced to go into a derealization state is traumatizing. If the soul, or part of the soul was forced to exit from the body, then you were left with something missing.

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Either way, there is a damage sustained by the soul, or the spirit part of you, in a addition to your brain and body. 

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It is often discussed these days that mental abuse is the worst part of physical or sexual abuse. It is clear that the emotional / mental trauma is even worse than the physical experience, or the bruises which are left.

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Even the women who have had acid thrown in their faces, now live with extreme mental pain, and humiliation to have to be forced to exist every day with those scars….reminders of the cruelty and heartlessness of the men who inflicted them.

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The Shaman theory is that the soul has left the body and now the person lives as an incomplete person, because that important part of them has fled. The soul need to be retrieved. 

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They believe in doing rituals called Soul Retrieval, in order for that person to get the missing part back. Before the soul retrieval, the person will live with depression. anxiety and all manner of mental, and physical illness. The soul retrieval process is to help the person to become whole again.

 Many abuse survivors experience a feeling that something is wrong with them, even years after the abuser has left.

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There is sense that they are different than other people, in a way that makes them carry toxic shame. This is very difficult to explain to anyone who has not been through abuse.

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During verbal and emotional abuse, people are called names, degraded, gaslighted, demeaned, and treated as non-humans. Their humanity is stripped from them, as is the humanity stripped from people who are sexually and physically abused. 

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The experience of sexual abuse is too much for a person to bear that their own body was involved in the acts, so they detach from their bodies in a way to not be a part of the sexual abuse. Later on, this can lead to eating disorder, cutting and other kinds of self harm. There is a disharmony between the body and the  mind. The mind no longer accepts the body as its own. 

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The missing link between the mind and the body could be spiritual in nature. I think that it makes sense to try to include a spiritual element to healing from abuse. When someone experiences rape, or the on-going abuse of a narcissist, they are broken in some way. There is a lack of wholeness that stays with you. 

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While medications for the depression, and anxiety disorders, which usually follow abuse, can be helpful, it is not the entire picture. We are spiritual beings, and having your soul raped by a personality disordered person, is traumatizing on every level. 

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I believe that healing needs to be all encompassing of the entire person.

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A holistic approach to healing is more likely to generate healing, than by simply dealing with it from one angle. If you are healing from abuse, I would recommend trying a variety of healing modalities.

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Traditional therapy and medications need to be complemented by healing methods which speak to other aspects of the entire person. We are emotional beings and mental and physical beings. But we are also spiritual beings, and the spirit is sensitive to being traumatized by abuse, just as much, or more than the other aspects of ourselves.

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Most people that have been abused feel that there is a darkness about it.

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There is a malicious, dark element to abuse that is carried by the survivor. It is hard to explain to people who have not experienced it.

 It is like a feeling of darkness that is carried with you. 

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I think that this darkness has something to do with the spiritual aspect of abuse.

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When someone who has a darkness about them, invades your personal freedom, and boundaries, there is something that you pick up from them. The darkness feels like it follows you into your nightmares, and lingers around you. 

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I do not think this darkness can be ignored, if we are to heal from abuse. Many people do not speak of it, because it is so hard to define and explain. It is beyond the physical world. 

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So, let us treat ourselves as whole humans, including all the aspects of our humanity.

You have innate self worth, and that reality was stripped from you be a person that has elements of darkness about them.

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It does not make you dark like they are, but you may be carrying that feeling that the abuser’s darkness somehow was stuck to you and you are doomed to carry this darkness in your mind .

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There is nothing wrong with you that makes you less worthy than other people.

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You would not feel that way, if it were not for the abuse you endured and suffered through. Psychopaths and narcissists have a way of leaving a part of themselves to haunt you, but it is time to get rid of that. 

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It is unfair for you to have to carry toxic shame, feelings of darkness and low self esteem, just because someone decided to use you as an object for their own dark designs. They wanted to strip you of your power to blossom and to be free. We do not have to let them have their way, years after the abuse is over. 

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I wish you all healing and peace of mind, as you continue on your journey of healing, love and empowerment. You have a greater purpose in the world than you are even aware of. You are a light that can bring light to others. 

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Namaste,

Annie – Holistic Methods for Healing from Abuse …join the emailing list at the link below

gentlekindnesscoaching.com

Social Rules and Stigma Keeps Victims in Abusive Relationships

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Society has conditioned us to stay in abusive relationships. The marriage vow is “for better for worse” and this mentality is often used by the churches and the families of victims, to send them back into the abusive relationship. 

I have clients that have told me about pastors and counselors that have told them that relationships are 50 – 50, and if there is something wrong it is equally both partners’ responsibility. These victims are given some kind of advice about how to be a better partner, and then sent right back to the dangerous person rather than getting the support they need to leave the abuser. 

Families and friends of victims are often the same way. They remind the person about the commitment they made, and that “everything is not always roses”. They have no idea what it is like to live in an abusive relationship, or how mentally dangerous these abuser are. 

Physical abuse always escalates and the compliance of the victim with the abuser does not stop the abuse. It does not matter how much the victim tries to please the abuser. That is not the reason the partner is abusing them. It is not because they are not a good partner. 

Relationships that are emotionally and mentally abusive are just as dangerous. Victims of these relationships cannot prove they are being abused, and their reality is confused. Many suicides each year happen due to this kind of abuse. Accidents happen due to sleep deprivation, and illnesses occur in the victims because of the stress. 

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My Narcissistic Abuse Blog on Tumblr Turned 1 Today !

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Narcissistic Abuse Blog on Tumblr   HERE

 

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Psychopaths Brain Images are Different in MRI Scans

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There are biological differences in the brains of psychopaths, compared to people that do not have psychopathy , otherwise known as anti-social personality disorder. 

The emotional regions of the brain do not light up in an MRI, as opposed to the way they light up in an MRI of a non-psychopath. There are also differences in the amygdala, which it the fight or flight center of the brain. 

Whether or not these differences are something people are born with or not is something that is still debated. It is possible that psychopaths have a personality that causes them to want to behave in certain ways that through repetition of these behavioral patterns, trains the brain to behave differently. 

The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is the part of the brain that regulates behavior. It is the restraining mechanism that keeps people from doing things that they are not willing to suffer the possible consequences of. People usually weigh out the possibilities of their actions before they act, but psychopaths seems to lack this function in their brains, according the the MRI scans. 

Psychopaths are not insane or psychotic. They have knowledge of right and wrong. They are impulse driven, but they are aware of the nature of their behavior. The actions of psychopaths are intentional and they choose to behave as predators. They see other people as their prey and they have no remorse over their actions when they hurt other people. 

Some scientists believe that there is a possibility that the brains of psychopaths can be altered with surgery. This is a topic of morale debate. Some scientists believe that surgically altering the brains of psychopaths is a way to save society of the consequences of the actions of convicted criminals once they are released. 

Of course, only a small number of psychopaths are in prison. Many psychopaths are fully functioning members of society and they blend in unnoticed by others. The victims they prey upon are mostly not believed because their wounds are not always physical.

Watch this documentary to learn more about these predators that walk among us. There are many psychopaths in all walks of life, and they are very good at masking their true nature and mirroring normal emotions. 

High functioning psychopaths are able to fool most anyone they choose to. Their victims are behind closed doors and when they tell anyone about their abuse, their story usually sounds unbelievable. 

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Are You Attracting Abusive Partners ?

When You Are Sleeping with a Psychopathic Narcissist

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vampire sexy.image from pinterest here

 

When you are with a psychopathic narcissist for a partner, you do not see their dark side at first. The seasoned predators are skilled at creating a shared psychosis…an illusion that you are two perfectly matched souls….destined to be together.

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When you are with an authentic partner, who has true compassion for you, they do not feel the need to state things like….

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I have compassion for you, even though it does not show.

I don’t usually have compassion for other people, but I have compassion for you.

Other people do not really understand you or see you. But only I can see the real you.

No one sees your talent but me.

I am the only one who has really loved you.

I am the only one who could really love you.

You are so different from other people that I am the only one who understands you.

You are too special to be with anyone but me.

No one will love you the way I do.

You are the only one who can save me.

I would die without you.

You would die without me.

You and I do not belong in this world.

We are nothing without each other.

You can only do great things if you are with me.

I will kill myself if you leave me.

I will kill myself if you….

I will kill myself if you don’t….

My life was nothing before you.

You don’t need anyone but me.

Your friends are not really your friends. Only I am.

Everyone always lets me down in the end.

Everyone disappoints me sooner or later.

Every relationship I have ends up with them abusing me. You will do the same.

Everyone leaves me. So will you.

No one is willing to give me what I need.

I never get enough help from anyone.

People should help me and do what I ask, without wanting something in return.

If you really loved me you would not expect things in return for doing everything I ask you to do.

How can I believe you love me if you are not waiting by the phone when I call?

How can you do things for other people when I am so needy?

How can you do things for yourself (like take a shower) without checking that I am okay first?

I should not have to be there for you to prove my love.

Love is about you being there for me and doing things for me that I can do myself.

Love is being there for me when you have an impotant business meeting to go to.

Love is being there for me, when your friend or family member has an emergency.

Love is about being there for me when you have an emergency.

Love is being there for me when you are sick or sleep deprived.

Love is giving up all your friends and family for me.

Love is you knowing that my job is more important than yours, but that I not help you pay your bills.

Love is YOU paying attention to MEEEEEE and me ignoring, rejecting, demeaning, minimizing and lying about you.

Are you a Magnet for Abusive Partners?

Join Gentlekindness coaching on facebook

design edited blue

art by my daughter Delenn Yake

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If you are interested in learning more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse…

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If you are in an abusive relationship…

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If you grew up with abusive parents…

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If you have C-PTSD from emotional and mental abuse…

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If you feel like you keep attracting narcissists and psychopaths…

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If you want to get some traction back into your life after abusive relationships…

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Join us on the gentlekindness coaching facebook page  

for information and support 

Abuse, Isolation and Re-traumatization

abuse corner

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Domestic abuse shatters your self esteem because you are treated in such an inhuman way.  No…worse than that…you are treated worse than an animal.

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Domestic violence and mental / emotional abuse take away your dignity and leave you feeling heavily weighted with shame. It is hard for people who have not been through abuse to understand the shame, and it is hard to explain to them.

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The events which occur behind closed doors, in an abusive house, are dofficult to tell people about. If you try to tell them and they do not believe you, this can be very painful and re-traumatizing.

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Because you cannot tolerate any more pain, you will likely give up after being re-traumatized a few times by people you thought would believe you.

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Some of the events are hard for people to believe, particularly if they knew your abuser, and the abuser treated them completely differently than they treated you. Not only that, the abuser also treated you differently in front of other people, than they did when you were alone with them.

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You will be accused of lying, misconstruing events, having a bad memory, misunderstanding the abuser’s intentions and of being mentally unbalanced. People do not believe that you interpret, perceive or remember events and situations accurately.

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The reason this is particularly painful, is that the abuser also accused you of the very same things, many times. They said they did not really “bump” into you that hard, you bruise easily, and that they have been very patient with your over-sensitivity.

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They told you that you have a tendency to forget things, to misinterpret things and even to be abusive to them and not think you were being abusive.

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Your reality was has been so twisted around that it took a great effort to regain your faith in your own perception of reality. Even now, you may have the habit of questioning what you see and heat. But your gut tells you when something is wrong about how someone is treating you.

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Sometimes the pain of being re-traumatized, minimized, disbelieved, and humiliated all over again can make you self-isolate. You may have cut off contact with people, or you just do not talk to people about anything personal.

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There is a natural human need to connect with others. Feeling alone and isolated can extend the abuse. If you are still living with abuse, then you may be very isolated from other people.

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Sometimes hearing your very own story, from someone else who is telling their story, can be surprising, because you feel like you are the only one. The abuser quite intentionally caused you to feel that you were very different from other people.

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They intentionally isolated you, for a few reasons. They did not want you to have outside support or objective opinions. They wanted to be able to have full access to your brain, allowing keys to no one.

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As you are beginning to read about the patterns, methods, and intentional techniques of the abuser, you will be surprised how they are all the same. That being said….these methods are extremely effective and soul raping.

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The feeling of isolation, both during and after abuse can cause extreme depression and it can cause anxiety disorders. You can feel mentally and emotionally isolated in a room full of people.

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As you continue on your journey towards healing, you will find your authentic self. You will slowly grow more balanced over time and be able to re-build your self confidence.

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You are special and unique. The abuser targeted you because you were compassionate and understanding. These qualities are still a part of you and they make you an important and special person.

 

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