Complex PTSD

image from Pinterest HERE

Trauma during childhood and teenage years leaves fractured pieces of yourself, existing  in time. As you begin to accept those child parts that feel abandoned, you will begin to realize that time is not as linear as we have been programmed to perceive it. 

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All of those parts of you exists now. You can reach out to them and bring them into yourself to integrate those fractured parts, so they do not feel rejected and abandoned. 

This will help you to be more in the present, so that you can think more clearly and see what you want and what you can do with your life. 

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C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is caused by being in on-going emotional / mental abuse from people that you feel entrapped with. There is no way to leave the situation, when you are a child and you are stuck in whatever situations your parents put you into. 

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Emotional abuse and other kinds of abuse cause emotional wounds.

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These emotional wounds are not able to heal while you are still in the abusive situations. Usually children are so used to the way they are living that there is no real frame of reference to know that you are being abused, or the degree to which the abuse is. 

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Wounded children feel abandoned in time, and there is no proper integration of these child parts into the whole. It is like there is still a wounded child inside of you that is waiting for someone to rescue them. Doing inner child work can help the fractured parts to become integrated. 

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If you have C-PTSD from childhood trauma, abuse, or chaotic events, your may have fractures and wounds in your subconscious. This can cause depression, anxiety disorders, OCD and other kinds of mental illness.

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The feeling that you do not belong anywhere and that you are out of place can come from the fractured child parts feeling abandoned. They need to be accepted and nurtured. 

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I am working on some hypnosis audios for healing the wounded child and helping the fractured parts to integrate. If you want to get updates about the audios, feel free to follow the Facebook Page,or to sign up on the contact page at the Gentlekindness coachingweb site. 

Aftermath of an Abusive Relationship – Self Care

Who Are You Really?

This concept of “supposed to” …is a brainwashing by society. It keeps people functioning on autopilot like drones.

“Supposed to”…keeps people in abusive marriages.

“Supposed to”….makes children hide bruises their parents put on them, and lie about how their patents actually talk to them…(scream at them)

“Good wives” …are “supposed to” …stand by their husbands…”no matter what”.

There’s another 2 dangerous brainwashing phrases.

“Good…are sipposed to…

” Good wives do this…”

“Good daughters protect their mother’s image and reputation…”no matter what”…..(even if she is abusive behind closed doors)

“Good citizens work 9 to 5 and don’t complain about their job, even if they are miserable”

“Good people”…accept the roles they are expected to do. …accept the identity forced on them by their family…

“Good men”…do what is “expected of them by others”

You can be a good person, and still be living life the way you want to. As long as you are not hurting other people….( the relatives that say you hurt them by living your own life don’t count as “hurting people”)

Other people do not live inside of your body, and they do not have to experience the consequences of your choices. They live their own lives, and they make their own choices.

If you experienced in-going emotional abuse, or emotional neglect as a child….

If you lived with a narcissistic parent…

If your parent was an alcoholic or addicted to substances…

If your world growing up, had no room for being able to express and deal with your own needs and feelings.  ..

Then you probably have C-PTSD, from abuse that was on-going, and you were entrapped in the situation.

What’s worse…is if the abusive parent…or the enabler parent…told you they loved you…and that their behavior of shutting you down, when you tried to express your needs, was a loving act.

Abuse that is disguised as love or concern for the victim, is more harmful. It is gaslighting, and it confuses the reality of the victim. It causes PTSD .

So, many survivors of childhood abuse, have C-PTSD as adults. There are “emotional flashbacks” that suddenly cause you to feel fear, sadness or anger.

You were conditioned to focus your attention on the narcissistic parent. Your needs and feelings were of no consequence.

The result of years of this kind of mind manipulation, can often be the emergence of “People Pleaser Syndrome.”

This explains why you might believe those conditioned phrases like “Good girls don’t disagree with their family”….or “real men stay in the relationship…or the job they are in …..even if tbey are miserable.

Why?

Because…. “your feelings don’t matter.”

If you were conditioned to ignore your own inner guide, that leads you in the direction that is best for you…then you may not even know how to feel, or hear, or interact with that guide.

Your inner voice wants to guide you in directions toward being supported, following your passion….and away from the pain.

You have been conditioned to fear tbe anger and dissapointment of others as a real threat. But the conditioning you experienced can be re-wired.

“People Pleaser Syndrome” does not really protect you.

It is an illusion.

People who expect you to sacrifice your own dreams for their agenda, are not really your friends….and they are crossing your personal boundaries.

Why?

Because no one taught you anout how to set healthy boundaries, or told you that it is perfectly okay to say “no” to someone…as long as you are not hurting them.

Their claim that your making your own choices, and becoming independent of them, is invalid. Narcissistic parents love to make their adult children feel shame and guilt for “going against them.”

In healthier families, the adult children are treated with respect and dignity…..not made to “be a good son”…..and do what is expected of you by the family.

These patterns can become embedded in the subconscious mind. Then it becomes easy for any narcissist you come acrods, during your life, to manipulate you with shame, guilt, or by attacking your integrity or self esteem.

I am not encouraging you to be bad person. But simply this..

You have the right to decide what “good” means to you…

You have the right to choose who to help…and who to say..”no” ..to.

You can begin to hear and feel that inner guide that wants you to listen to it.

Your true feelings can guide you and allow you to follow your core values. It is the path that matters, more than the individual goals.

So….

Be a “good woman.

Be a “good man.”

Be a “good multi-faceted, spiritual being, that is living a life here on the earth”

Be authentic.

Practice saying no.

Pay attention to your feelings, and honor them, by choosing paths that align with those feelings.

Be yourself! 💕💕💕💕💕💜💜💕💕💕💕💕💕🐇🐇💕💜💕💜💝💜💝💕🐇🐢🐼🐣👻💕💜💕

 

Abusive Relationships – Substandard Living Conditions

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Many cases of narcissistic abuse end up in the financial devastation of the victim. But long before the end of the relationship, some victims are living far below what is humane and healthy.

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Because the narcissist does not see you as an individual human being with rights and boundaries, your living conditions are often of no concern to them.

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Basic needs for healthcare, spending cash, healthy environment, and safe living environment are often refused by the narcissist. The victim lives behind closed doors is despicable, inhumane conditions, that they are too embarrassed and ashamed to speak of outside of the home.

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Even after the relationship has ended, and the victim begins to interact with other victims, this is a dark secret that is kept hidden. There is extreme shame about having to live in sub-human conditions and it is even hard to explain.

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Since the victim is so used to being doubted and gaslighted, this secret is never talked about for fear of re-traumatization. The victim just cannot take any more minimization or disbelief of their reality.

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They also cannot tolerate any more shaming than they have already endured from the narcissist, and from others who disbelieved any parts of their truth.

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This post is just to let you know that other victims have also lived in sub-human conditions at the hands of a narcissist. It may be one of the most powerful ways the narcissist controls you.

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When you are suffering just to exist, there is no energy for anything else. Your self esteem is completely crushed and you fear letting anyone into your home to see how you live.

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This has the effect of completely isolating you from potential helpers, friends and anyone who might try to bring any light of truth into the dark reality tunnel the narcissist makes you exist in.

Reaction Seeking Behavior

Guided Meditation Lavendar Light

Good night to you. Sending my love and healing energies for you to take hold of. Draw them in as well as the other beautiful energies that are swirling in waves all around you.

Things exist that you do not see because you were programmed not to accept them into your reality. Everything is made of energy and nothing is as permanent or fixed as it may seem.

Close your eyes and let go of what you have always been taught. Let go of what others have told you.

Forget what you know.

As if you have been transported to a new reality. One that you cannot predict based on any information from your experiences.

Open your eyes to discover what it there. Look beyond the obvious, the usual, and the normal.

Expect nothing…expect everything….without predispoosed ideas and conditioned biases.

Don’t fixate your eyes on any particular thing. Breath in the violet colored light energies that are now  flowing into you like waves of light.

As you breath the softness of the lavendar waves you can allow it to fill your body in fullness until it begins to penetrate through you and radiate outwards to surround you in calmness.

Sit in the stregth of stillness and you can feel the beautiful colors of the energies you choose to flow around you and envelope you in safety and now uplifting your consciousness to a higher plane.

You are one with these energies and you are beginning to understand that their movement within you and all around you, is being created by you and at the same time it was always there.

We tend to see what we expect to see but there is more. Your existence and your mind extends beyond the physical body that your spiritual self happens to be living inside of.

You are only confined to the body because you have been taught that this is true. Many beliefs held by your subconscious are restricting.

See with pure eyes and the invisible  becomes visible. Stillness becomes movement. Movement becomes energy that causes your mind to become still and the feelings in your body to detach from discomfort.

Draw the softness of the energies around you and into you as you realize you are one with them.

Namaste

 

Colors Guided Meditation

Relax your body

Feel your shloulders and neck muscles relaxing

Feel the muscles in you face release and allow all facial expression to rest

Especially those small muscles around your mouth, lips and jaw

Relax your chest and feel the beating of your heart become slower and more even

Like a soft drum ever so gently thumping a rhythm for your ears to hear

Notice as your nervous system begins to respond sympathetically to the slow beating of your heart

As you begin to relax even deeper, you can begin to recognize the beautiful energy fields flowing all around you

As you feel the weight of your body sinking deeper towards the ground, you realize that you can breath in the lavendar, indigo or gold colored energies around you

As you notice that you are sinking deeper into a state of trance, you can breath deeply the color of the energy field that best supports you

Draw that color into your body and notice the feeling of that energy filling you all the way to the tips of your toes and fingertips

Draw the color into you and you will notice the energy is calming you and energizing you at the same time

Exhale a different color

This is the color of negative feelings and any bad energies that others have put into you

As you feel your toes tingle from the positive energies on the inhale…

Draw all the negative energies from inside of your body and exhale them to send them out of you

You can see the color of this negative energy and notice that the color varies on the exhales

As your body becomes even more relaxed, you realize these bad energies are no longer serving you

And it is okay to let them leave

You notice tngling energy in your shoulders, neck and you begin to have a deeper sensation of the calming , healing energies that are drawn into your body with each breath

And you feel safe letting the negative, bad energies leave you

As you become filled with the beautiful color that you feel all around you, you realize that these energies are always around you

You just have to relax and notice and observe them

Breath in the energizing colors

And exhale the negative ones

Inhale through your nose

Exhale through your mouth , releasing these sick energy build ups from your chest

You can continue until you feel you have released everything you needed to

Namaste

Annie💕

 

 

 

 

My Top Favorite Self Care Behaviors

Self care is part of self parenting. If you have C-PTSD from childhood abuse, emotional trauma, or neglect, then you were probably not taught to care for yourself.

If your emotional needs were regularly discounted then you were trained to ignore your feelings about being uncomfortable, and taught to hide those feelings. You were not able to get what you needed to make your environment feel safe and comfortable.

If your parents did not make an effort to care for your need to feel safe and comfortable, then you were programmed into discounting your own comfort needs.

Everone has the need to feel comfort, safety and pleasure. It is not selfish to have these needs. It is normal and it is part of the survival instinct.

As an adult who came from a narcissistic pareny or otherwise dysfunctional family, you have to learn how to parent yourself now. …Not in the same way you were parented as a child. But in a nurturing, compassionate way.

Learning thow to care for yourself will allow you to have more energy and patience ti share your love with other people.

Love the loving. Maintain behaviors of self love and then show compassion to people who have the capacity for love and empathy. Do not waste energy trying to change unloving people.

So here is a list of my top 10 favorite self care ideas. Please share your own favorite ideas in the comments below.

1. Wrap up in hot towels from the dryer. You don’t have to be doing wash at the time. Just toss 2 or 3 nice towels in the dryer and dry them on high, for 10 or 15 minutes. Then wrap up in them.

2. Cover yourself in soft blankets. Buy one special blanket that has your favorite texture. Running your hands over pleasing textures can calm the nervous system, similar to petting a soft furred animal.

3. Take a warm shower or bath. You don’t have to wait until you need to bathe. Hot steamy showers have a healing effect and calm the nervous system. Submersing yourself in a bath of warm water will help you be mindful of the present moment.

4. Listen to music that makes you feel empowered. Your favorite music has a direct effect on your nervous system and will generate dopamine and feel-good chemical responses.

5. Petting and playing with your favorite kind of animals. Animals are living spiritual beings. Different people are drawn to different animals for different emotional and spiritual energies that these animals have.

6. Water has healing properties. Drinking clean water…swimming in water… and being near the ocean, stream… or a beautiful sparkling lake…all have spiritually uplifting possibilities.

7. Creating your perfect sleep space. Your sleeping area needs to be a calm haven of nurturing and soothing quality. Alter your lighting with red or other colored light bulbs in a table lamp. Add soothing sounds and textureus. The colors should be ones that are important to you and have an affect on your nervous system.

8. Uplifting words. Read or watch videos by people who inspre you. Your self esteem should feel boosted after spending time with a message that energizes and validates you.

9. Learn to say NO, without feeling obligated to make them agree that your reasons are valid. Being afraid to say NO to people will cause you to be forced into situations that deplete your energy and your self esteem.

10. Create things that are inventive, artistic, authentic or unique. Draw, color, craft, write a poem, sing in your unique voice, write, create a new yoga routine, rearrange items in a unique way, decorate a box, add fringe to your lampshade with a hot glue gun, change the laces in your sneakers to colored ones, make a beaded bracelet, plant some flowers, choose your favorite material at JoAnne fabrics and lay it on your table for a table cloth, buy a bag of buttons at the craft store and sew them onto your tops and jackets, add some coloful garnishes to your dinner plate….explore….create…don’t worry about comparing your creativity to others….be yourself!

 

 

Trouble Organizing, Managing, and Proritizing

If you have executive function problems, due to PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression or ADHD or autism, I can feel your frustration.

Executive function is an impotant function of the brain that can be interfered with by many things including ptsd from abuse and gaslighting, and even ADHD and autism.

People with diminished  execucutive function can have extreme difficulty doing any or all of the following..

1. Organizing materials for a task or project

2. Planning and organizing things

3. Scheduling and keeping up with the schedule

4. Getting things done on time

5. Arriving places on time

6. Figuring out how to allow enough time for all the different parts of a task or project

7. Staying calm while trying to organize and manage things

8. Delegating tasks and responsibilities to others

9. Self motivating to stay on task and keep up with tbe schedule

10. Prioritizing things that cannot all be done the same day

11. Remembering appointments and things you need to do

If you have problems with your executive function part of your brain, you may feel frustrated or blame yourself. Negative self talk will create more anxiety, frustration or depression.

The first thing is to be understanding with yourself. Be patient and plan ahead.

Have calendars, date books, appt books, note pads, memo pad on your cell phone and time clocks with you wherever you need them. You may need multiples of calendars etc.

Give yourself the exrra time needed for tasks. Leave spaces in between activities and appointments, in order to keep your anxiety down to a minimum. You best work is done when you are feeling relaxed and confident.

Be compassionate with yourself and remember that the executive function problem is a real physiological issue in the brain. It was caused by whatever your particular circumstances were.

It is not your fault. Figbting it, ignoring it, or blaming yourself for it will not help. It will make it worse. Your memory will refuse to work if you add anxiety on top of the executive function issues.

Sleep is also important. Sleep deprivation adds to memory problems.

Blessings and compassion,

Annie

Peaceful Healing of Water

Standing close to the shimmering lake

The ripples in the water have a calming effect

I feel the gentle motion of the water 

Sending flowing energies into me

Filling my mind with calmness

Creating a clarity in the midst of the brain fog

*Photo taken at Wharton Lake in New Jersey on my cell phone camera