There was a huge mix up about the timing today of my daughter’s graduation activity at her church youth group.
She told me a week ago that they had a senior recognition night, that is a kind of graduation ceremony for the kids that are homeschooled.
Since they do not have a graduation off the stage in a traditional way, this is a very thoughtful idea that the youth pastor had and I thought it was a great idea.
My daughter told me that it was this evening but she had to check on the time. I reminded her a few times during the week, but today she still did not know the time.
I thought she probably had to be there early, since she was in the event. I was trying to get her to find out what time the event started, so I could get myself and my other daughter into a decent seat.
You know how these things are if you are not early…you end up standing in the back.
I also wanted to know what time she had to be there. Somehow the entire week went by and she did not know the time.
Then I woke up this morning and she had left me a note that she had been called into work by her new job. She had agreed to work 12 to 4pm.
I wished she had told them no because the time frame was really crunched. She wanted me to pick her up around 4pm. This means sitting in the mall parking lot from ten of 4 until probably 4:15 waiting for her.
That was my time frame for taking a shower and getting my younger daughter bathed and ready to go also. I also needed to stop and pick up fast food for my dinner.
I was guessing this event would be around 7pm and I was trying to communicate with my daughter via texting for her to try to get another ride home.
Having to drive to the mall, wait for her, and drive back was going to take an hour right out of the middle of my time to get my other daughter and myself ready.
Then she texted me that the event was at 6pm. The time was getting shorter and shorter and my anxiety was getting more and more.
I did not understand anyone taking work hours until 4om when the graduations started at 6. To me this meant she was supposed to be there at 5:30 and had barely any time to get ready and eat dinner.
I guess she felt like she had to tell them yes, but they did not really deserve a favor of her coming in at the last minute on her graduation day.
They have cancelled her days a few times. They tell her to come in and then they call and say they do not need her.
I think they are taking advantage of her because she is young and naive, but that is for another post.
So, my ex husband ended up going to get her, because I was all frazzled about being able to get the other kid and myself ready on time. He was good and went to get her, which made me happy.
He had not gotten back with her and they should have been back by 4:30. I checked my messages and she had sent me a text that her boyfriend had picked her up.
I called my ex husband and apologized that he was still waiting there for her and told him she had already gotten picked up.
I got the younger daughter and myself ready and we headed off to stop by McDonald’s to grab food to eat in the car. This was already 5:30 and we would make it to the church by 6, if we ate in the car on the way.
I got to the church and no one was there. No cars in the parking lot. I was afraid that she had told me the wrong place to go.
I called my ex husband on the phone and asked if I was at the right church and he said yes. They were still at the house together – my daughter who is graduating, my ex (her father) and her boyfriend.
I asked again what time she had been told to be there and I heard her in the background saying she thought it wa 6pm. At this point it was five minutes to 6 pm and they were 20 minutes away. chatting together in the house.
I asked the father how they were still at the house if the thing starts in 5 minutes. He said something like they were on their way. I heard my daughter say something about her class going for ice cream first.
I asked the father, who was standing next to my daughter to ask her what time this event starts. Is it that they are meeting for ice cream in 5 minutes and then the event starts at 7pm?
She kept saying “I thought it started at 6 and we were going for ice cream first.”
I kept trying to get an answer about what time the event started. My younger daughter and I were sitting in my car, and we did not know whether to go inside, to sit there or to drive somewhere else for a while.
My younger daughter has anxiety issues and sitting in the parking lot indefinitely was not a viable option for me.
My ex said that they were getting ready to come there. This still did not make any sense and did not answer my question as to what time I was supposed to be in a seat in the auditorium.
No one seems to think it mattered and they thought i was being unreasonable that I kept asking what time the event started.
I asked them to tell me that they did not know, if they did not know. But not to keep going around my question and not answering it.
I asked them if they knew or if they did not know. Even an answer of “We do not know” would be something of an answer. But they kept saying things like “we thought it started at 6. and We thought we were getting ice cream at 6”
To me those two thoughts “It starts at 6” and “we are meeting the class for ice cream at 6” are contradictory.
One of them meant that I had to be there and in a seat by 6. The other meant that I had to be there and be in a seat by 7 or maybe 8, who knows ?
I finally got my daughter’s boyfriend on the phone who said that my daughter did not know but they were on their way there and to stay where I was. At least this was some kind of understandable response
A lot if the conversation was very hard to hear. There was something about the way my ex had the phone on speaker and people were not near the phone, that made it very hard to hear anyone.
My daughter was the hardest to hear, because she has a soft feminine voice. The male voices were coming through a bit better.
Later on, my ex husband and my daughter came to the car. They said that the event was next week.
This did not make me mad and it was okay because I had other things to do tonight. Next Sunday is fine.
What bothered me was that they approached the car like I was going to yell at them or something. They somehow perceived the last conversation as me being in some kind of unreasonable mood.
I don’t understand that asking for what time I am supposed to be at a graduation is unreasonable.
My ex makes me look bad to my daughter a lot . He has done it for years. He acts like he is smarter and makes fun of me like I am a space cadet hippie flower girl.
He tells her I am unreasonable when I ask for very basic common sense things like for them to coordinate times with me in a realistic manner.
Just because I am compassionate and empathetic and he is not, has nothing to do with who is more intelligent. I have more education and I have been able to work and keep jobs, which he has not.
So, they approach the car all dramatic and he says “You tell her! I am not doing it” like it was some kind of big deal that she had gotten the date wrong.
He acts like a big child who is getting another kid to think things about me that are not true. It is like a form of bullying . Emotional bullying to make me the one that is made of, talked about and left out .
I have never gotten mad about mistakes that my daughter makes. I have never made her feel stupid or punished her for getting something wrong or for not being able to do something.
The minor inconvenience of having gone out there on the wrong day, is really not a big deal to me.
My younger daughter loved the drive and getting out of the house. She also ended up going to the ice cream place with all of them and had a great time. So it was all fine.
He made my daughter feel like I was going to be mad. He made her afraid to tell me that she had gotten the date wrong. There is no basis in my history of interacting with them at all, for this. In the past, he has more mad about being inconvenienced than I have.
In fact next week he has a gaming day (role playing games) scheduled with his guy friend and now he is telling me that he has to go to play role playing games, rather than go to her graduation next Sunday.
So, how am I coming out to be the bad parent? I do not think it is fair at all.
So, after they told me that the thing was next week and not this week, I said Ok no big deal but can we find out what time it starts next week and also what time the students need to be here
That was we will not be late and I coordinate getting my other kid there and everything.
My daughter did not answer me at all. He answered for her instead of letting her speak for herself.
saying “She has all week to find out the time”
I said to him “but can she find out the time or can we call and find out?”
He said “She just told you that she would find out the time. Didn’t you hear her?”
“No. I did not hear any response.” The answer from my ex that she had a whole week to find out was sufficient to him. This meant that I was supposed to know that I would know what time it was.
But she had a whole month to find out and she still did know the day of the event. I do not see how “She has a whole week to find out” is a definitive answer that they are telling me that they will find out.
Neither of them would say that they would call or email to find out. My ex kept giving me evasive frustrating answers. Then he would say “didn’t you hear her?” and when I said no he said in front of her
:”that is because you are not listening to her”
Like I am intentionally not listening to my own daughter. Why would I not listen to an answer to a question that I need to know the answer to.
She had clearly just stood there and refused to speak. Probably because the situation was making her nervous and upset. I can understand that she was not answering because she was nervous and upset
But what I cannot understand is why he said “She just told you that she would call and check” when it never happened and I was right there in front of them..
This is gaslighting crap. I hate it.
The he said that earlier on the phone she had told me she was running late by accident. I never heard her say that because I could not hear her voice well enough to make out anything she was saying during that phone call.
This was all right in front of her,, He said “well you were not listening to her”
I said ‘ I did not hear her and that is not the same as not listening.
Later in the evening I talked to him alone. I told him that he should not tell my daughter that I do not listen to her or that I was not listening to her.
The phone connection was bad. They were right next to the fan in his room and he did not bother to turn it off so I could hear. I told them I could not hear her at all.
He said to me “I did not tell her that you were not listening to her”
This is a lie. He word for word said “You did not hear her because you were not listening”
He said “I did not say you were not listening. I said you did not hear her and you misinterpreted that to mean something else.
As much as I study about gaslighting and as much as I listen to hypno tracks and all kinds of things…I still feel frustrated by the gaslighting that lies to my daughter about me and makes me look like the bad guy.
It is not fair and he has done this kind of thing for years. HIs parents do the same things, even worse.
They tell my daughters I am a bad mother. I am stupid. etc. They create this reality about me that it the opposite of who I really am.
I have disabled the reblog for this post. I have been having a recent problem with reblog etiquette . There is nothing in this post that should be of any value to any mental health blog.
It is personal and not general information that needs to be reblogged. I am just connecting with my wordpress friends to vent. Thank you
Comments of validation and support for my frustration of the situation are welcome. Thank you to my friends.
GentleKindness 